Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Letter to Adoptive Parents:
Letter to Birth Parents:
I can tell the latter is not going to be an easy milestone. One year wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sure I was sad to not be able to celebrate with him and share in that day. But I guess since I had just gotten to Hawaii it wasn't really on my mind too much. I remember my husband asking me to go somewhere with him. I don't know if it was because he knew I didn't want to be left alone that day or if he just wanted me to go with him. Either way, I was so grateful for that. I definitely don't want to be stuck alone this year either and I'm praying so hard that my husband will be in town around that time and not away.
I'd like to do something special on that day but at the same time I'd also like to just go about my day as if it were a regular day. Its hard to forget that day altogether though. I mean, my life changed so much Dec 10, 2008 and I don't think anyone forgets the day they delivered their children, even if they're no longer with them. The year might get fuzzy but his birthday will always be remembered.
I said earlier I could tell it is going to be rough, and its because I've been more irritable and moody lately. And that usually makes me even more emotional than ever. And I'm going to be on pins and needles waiting for a new update on him. I never realized how much I'd miss him and how much I'd want to know how he's doing and what he looks like. But I just love to see his picture and hear how he is doing. And having to wait to hear from them is hard. I didn't think itd be like this. And I thought there would be more openness. And it hurts every time I think about what they said about cutting back on contact. And I kick myself every time I doubt them, because they've come through every time this far. I just can't stand that open adoption isn't legally binding. And I kick myself for not being more verbal about what I wanted before the adoption was finalized.
This whole experience has made me trust and rely on God so much and its made me a better person, but at the same time its killed me. I'm not the same girl, some days I hardly recognize myself. I've become bitter, and I've gotten mean. My poor husband has gotten the worst of it, and I feel horrible. I'm working on these issues in therapy but they're still such big things. I honestly don't know if I will ever get past this. I want to move on and make a better life for me. But I'm still so afraid of letting go. Its almost as if I need this pain to make me know I'm alive.
So Sunday is my 1 year anniversary with my husband and its also Halloween. I can't wait to hand out candy and see all the kids dressed up. And I cannot wait to taste the cake I'm having made...what I wouldn't give for some cake now ha!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Adoption is a complex thing. No question about it, and it's true that some children are taken away from their mothers. But that is not to say that all adoptions go that route. I did not have my child taken from me, I decided that adoption was the best option for him and myself. And calling myself a birth mom is a compliment, not something I take lightly either. But it is what I chose to call myself. You can chose to call me what you want, as long as it isn't hurtful and said to my face, I'm okay with it. Heck, call me a nasty name to my face, that's fine, I'm secure enough in my decision to know that what you say isn't true. And I refuse to believe that using the term "birth mom" or "biological mom" implies that we will one day not be family. My son is my flesh and blood and that will never change, you can't change someone's DNA, and you can't change the fact that I carried and nurtured and delivered a healthy and beautiful baby boy, thus making him my biological/birth son.
The times are a lot different now, and most adoptions are not forced placements. Sure some of those exist, and people have their children taken away from them every single day. But just because you are one of the ones whose children was taken away doesn't make it okay for you to degrade those of us who decided to give their children what we could not. My heart goes out to those who have lost their children and those who did not have a choice, really, it does. I can not imagine the heartache you are going through, but please, don't take your bitterness out on others who choice to be called something other than what you think is necessary.
There are some terms that I wouldn't want to be called, and some I would never call another birth mom, but like I said, call me what you want, it doesn't change the fact that I am a
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I'm making recipe cards, note cards, baby sitter notes, change of address notes, miss you notes, personalized note cards, invitations for almost any event, baby announcements, and I'm sure that if you can't find what I have, I could come up with it. I only have prices for the recipe cards right now, but once I finalize some details and get prices for other things I will be down to business!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
It's not a secret how I got pregnant, and I still struggle with the fact that I put myself in that situation, and allowed myself to be so dumb. And I feel guilty. It'll be 2 years in December, and some days the guilt feels as strong as it did back then. There will be a few days where I won't feel guilty, but once I start thinking about it and dwelling on it, then it's just all downhill from there.
It's also not a secret that I never once said the reason for placing him for adoption was for myself, it was always what was best for him, but really, it was what was best for me too. And I feel guilty for thinking that, and I feel like I shouldn't move on and move forward, because somehow it means I'm forgetting. Even though I know that letting go of the guilt does not mean forgetting, and that forgiving myself for the situation is not forgetting. It's weird to describe and kind of makes me look stupid, but it's a fight between my logical brain and my illogical brain. I'm a smart person, or so I'm told, no that was a joke...I'm a smart person because I know that if I move forward with my life, and if I forgive myself and let go of the guilt then I won't forget my son, but I think when you're hurting you can't see it. But then again, I still knew that it wasn't true...
Anyways, I wrote a question over at my community on BlogFrog, I'm going to try and be more active on it, but we'll see, ha!
Monday, October 11, 2010
First, I'm an advocate for open adoption, if I know of someone leaning toward adoption I try and get them to take the open adoption route. So I don't think its wrong that Catelynn and Tyler get to see or want to see their daughter. Its just very hard on me to see people with their birth children, especially when its been a while since I've gotten an update on mine. It has nothing to do with Catelynn and Tyler as people, as I think they're the best ones on the show. And this might come off selfish, but its not meant to be, but its all about how it makes me feel and how I can handle it. And if I can't handle something then I don't think I should put myself in that situation and so I don't have to watch the show. I really didn't have to blog about why I'm not going to, but it just brought up feelings I wanted to get off my chest....
As for Maci, I don't think she's a bad person, per say, I just don't agree with everything she's done and all she's said to Ryan. I also don't agree with how Ryan handled things. And really that's all I meant by her being a reason why I didn't want to watch it any more.
But the main reason I think I need to stop is because of the adoption story lines. I hope that cleared things up and I hope if ya'll had questions you'd ask...I won't get upset or not be your friend anymore. Promise! I wrote that other blog really late so I might have left stuff out...sometimes my brain and fingers get out of sync.
I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant...I never really agreed with what MTV was doing, I don't think there is anything glamorous about teen pregnancy and unwed pregnancy. But it happens, and I think it is something that should be brought up. I don't like how they continued to have Gary and Amber fighting in front of Leah, and I don't like that they didn't step in and stop it, or use their resources to get them help, because honestly, if someone is going to use physical violence on someone they claim to love, then they need help, something is wrong. I don't like how Gary would let his friend talk him into being rude to Amber when he was trying to do something nice for her. But I watched anyways...it was a guilty pleasure, not something I'm proud of, not something I'd go back and redo...
I couldn't believe Farrah's mom would hit her, and then have knives in her hand when the cops showed up and not think that was wrong. And I don't see how she didn't know how the death of the father of Sophia didn't effect Farrah...I don't care if they were broken up at the time, someone your daughter loved, and made a child with just died, don't you think it might effect her a little, couldn't you be a bit more sympathetic? I think there is hope for their relationship though, now that they are going to therapy, and I think it is great that the therapist stood up for Farrah and was like, dude shut your mouth and listen to your daughter, and stop trying to make it okay, when clearly it's not right now...
And I just don't even want to get into the Maci thing, she makes people from Chattanooga look bad. Especially with that horrible tan job...no, seriously though, it's just horrible...
But the MAIN reason I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant is because of the adoption storyline they've taken. Catelynn and Tyler are great people, and I think what they did was awesome, I mean, obviously, I chose what they did for my son, but it is just so hard for me to see/hear of people who have open relationships with their children that they placed for adoption. And I don't know if I will be able to handle it on the Finale, and so I'm going to fast forward, I've decided to watch it, since I've watched the whole season anyways, but I'll fast forward through the reunion part...then there is another girl, who was suppose to be on last season's 16 & Pregnant, but I've seen her for the new season, and she blogged about her experience with adoption and her decisions, and when she would get people who were trying to give her support she would bad mouth them or get smart with them, but there were people who were just rude to her. But the ones who were nice and trying to help her didn't deserve that, and I don't think it was fair to the adoptive parents or her daughter to flip flop back and forth with yes I'm going to adopt and no I'm not, I mean, she went so far as to give the child to them, and take her back not once, not twice, but I think three times. And that to me is just hurtful. It's one thing to not know what you want to do, and to realize that you've made a mistake, but a child is not a toy or a dog, and you can't just give it back every time things get hard. I'm half curious how they spin it, or show it, and I'm half curious to see what she ended up doing, because I stopped following her blog after the 2nd time of taking her and giving her back. I just couldn't stomach it any more, and I couldn't stomach the rude comments she was getting, and the rude stuff she was saying back to people.
If there is one thing I've learned, in adoption, and in life in general, it's that you honestly can't say what you would or wouldn't do until you've been put in the situation, and what works for me, might not work for you.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I look at their situation and mine. And they are very different but at the same time, so similar.
I'm so grateful for my families support, including my in laws, and I know Catelynn has Tyler and his mom, but I don't know where I would be if it hadn't have been for my dad, mom, Jennie, my brother, my sister and the support group I had during my pregnancy and the few months after. It took me a long time to realize just how blessed I was. No, that's not true, I think I knew how blessed I was, I think I was just so upset and hurt I couldn't see how I was hurting them and how my actions weren't showing that I knew that. I've wanted to reach out and say how deeply sorry I am to those I hurt, and in a way I guess this is my apology, I just don't know how to do it, or what to say, and its just been so long that sometimes I feel like its best to leave well enough alone.
I look back and see how I treated them and acted, and I can't help but blame them for being upset or not wanting anything to do with me. I wouldn't want anything to do with me. I've written an apology in my head numerous times, but it just doesn't ever seem like enough or the right words.
I'm not perfect, and I'm not 100% better yet, and I honestly don't think I will ever be 100% better when it comes to my son, but I'm well enough to see that I took people for granted and I apologize. For everything, for taking ya'll for granted, for acting as if it was no big deal when it really was a huge deal. And I thank you for being there for me through my pregnancy and the few months after, for making sure I got help, for planting the seed. I'm sure words will never be enough to tell ya'll how sorry I am and how much ya'll meant to me and helped me. But to finally write it out feels good.