Preparation

So, I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for 3 years now, I’m not ashamed of that, and most people know that. I started them the day my son was born. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened had I not done that. Seeing as I had post partum, on top of the emotions of the adoption. It took a few tries to get the right combo, and once I got to Hawaii, it took 3 psychiatrists, but we finally got it, just a few months before my husband left for Afghanistan! So, now I’m doing really well, and feeling really great. Sure I have some moments, but I chalk that up to being “normal.”

Well, a few weeks ago I talked with my psychiatrists about getting off my anti-depressants (I’m was on 2) so that when the husband gets home we can start trying for kids. The anti-anxiety med is mostly used at night for RLS, and is okay to take when pregnant. So I’m not worried about that one. So last month I started tapering off one. And this week I talked with my psychiatrist again about the other one. The one I’m still on is a little trickier to tapper off, but we’re going to do it slowly, and with his assistance. We’re going this one in 2 steps, as opposed to 1 like the other one. I’m taking half of a pill for now, and when I go back to see the psychiatrist we will half that dose, and then from there stop it altogether.

We’ve done research, and we know that there isn’t that much out there about the medicines I was/am on doing any damage during pregnancy. But I would feel better if I’m off them. But wouldn’t be angry if I have to be on one of them. Because I’m doing fine without the other. We’ll see how I do off the other one. My psychiatrist said that it I might not feel any different off this one right away, so we’re going to see how I do.

I’m excited to start this new chapter, and I’m excited for my husband to be home. It’s been one hell of a year. So here’s to baby making! Well, let’s get my husband home first! HA!

Oh and I’m done with therapy! I had my last session this week! She said I’m doing so well that we really have no more to do!!!

Love is sacrifice

A friend posted about the difference between “Love” and “In Love,” and her definition of “Love” really hit home for me, and I’m sure it will hit home for everyone. But it really hit home in defining my decision to place.

Here is what she said: “Ok, so love is active: we do it.  I feel love is an attitude that chooses what is best for another person, rather than what is easiest or most pleasurable for us.  Love is sacrifice. Love is a choice.  Loving someone (truly loving a person) usually lasts a lifetime. You grow to love someone for who they are and accept them for that.”

The phrase that came out of my mouth over and over when explaining my reasoning, and even now, 3 years later, as I tell my story, is that I wanted to do what was best for my son. It wasn’t until I had made the decision and was okay with the decision that I started to think of myself, and realize that even though it’s natural for a woman, a mother more specifically, to want to raise their children, I knew that this adoption was best for me too. As much as I wanted to raise him, I knew that it was not the best thing for me either.

And if you think placing him was easy, think again, placing him wasn’t easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t pleasurable either, it was actually quite the opposite. Like I said, it’s not natural for a mother to not parent. It isn’t natural for a mother to leave the hospital empty handed.

No matter how much I tried to NOT attach myself to him, it happened. And when I realized that it had happened, it hit me super hard.

When people say that they couldn’t believe they could love someone they’d never met so much, they’re not lying. And I couldn’t believe how much I loved him, even when I tried so hard to NOT attach myself. It’s inevitable.

The light

 

*courtusy of swagbucks*

So, It’s almost February. Which means we’re ALMOST at the end of this deployment. I cannot wait, this deployment has taught me a lot about myself. It’s taught me a lot about being married, and about our relationship…I know the LT has learned a lot as well. I’m not quite sure what all he’s learned, and that is really a post for him to do, if he so chooses.

Our future in the Army is really really uncertain. And when most of the friends I’ve made during this deployment know their next step, the LT and I don’t know ours. It’s scary, and I’m getting really tired of people asking me what’s next. And I really really don’t like talking about what’s going on. For a few reasons, one being I have no idea what is going on. I just know that things aren’t set in stone yet, and we’re in a holding pattern.

I just can’t wait for him to be home, so we can figure this out. This whole not getting to talk to him a lot really is for the birds, and I’m trying to be okay with it. But when I see others who get to talk on the phone with their husband daily, sometimes multiple times a day, it makes me feel like shit. It’s not that my husband doesn’t want to talk to me, it’s just that he’s busy. And that he doesn’t have access to internet or phones like others. I can’t get mad at him. I don’t ever get mad him for it. He’s in a warzone for crying out loud. So getting upset that he hasn’t called or texted or messaged is pointless.

I usually don’t stress if it’s been 23 hours since the last Facebook message, but I always laugh at myself when I see that, and think of all those insecure wives who flip if it’s been 12 hours. Can you just see how they would react if this was WWI, WWII, Korea, Vietnam when you probably got NOTHING, no R&R, these deployments were way longer than 12 months… Or when we first got into Iraq and Afghanistan when all you got were censored letters. You’d have no idea where exactly your husband was, what he was doing, or how he was doing. We are SO lucky these days, that people take it for granted…

5 question Friday–Jan 20

I figured I’d partake in it this week since one of my questions made the cut :)

---

Rules for 5QF:

Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then watch for the linky post to appear Friday morning and LINK UP!

Oh, and remember (pay close attention...this is the important one)...HAVE FUN!

Questions for Friday, January 20th: (Special thanks to@Lovely_Lici,

@trooppetrie, @lifeafterplacin, @my4redheads, and vacationed out me for their question suggestions! I would love to link you in a future 5QF, so come on over to my community or watch for my Thursday afternoon shout out for questions on Twitter and offer up your best question suggestions! Remember to @5crookedhalos me and usehashtag #5QF if you go the Twitter route!)

1. Where do you hide the reeeally good snacks?

I don’t have to, no kids, yet, and some of the snacks I like, hubby doesn’t. Plus, hubby is deployed, so he can’t get to them anyways. Now, when he gets home, that’s another story. He might eat me out of house and home and all my goooood snacks because he’s been deprived (which isn’t true at all bc I did send him tons of goodies)

2. Do u keep your vehicle clean or am I the only one who has things falling out of their van?

I have every intention of keeping my car clean, but I just can’t seem too…things aren’t falling out, but it isn’t clean…

3. Have you ever been to Vegas?

Not yet, going in May, just booked our hotel. I bought the groupon – 2 night stay for 2 adults and 2 kids, 1 bottle of alcohol at the Hard Rock Hotel – we’re going to stay 4 nights…I bought 2 groupons. So our Hotel is paid for, for the most part, I think we just have to pay some fees, but other than that, free :) And 2 bottles of booze, why yes please!!!!!

We are going to Peepshow for sure…and probably a couple Cirque show, and I’m going see if I can sweet talk my hubby into seeing Phantom, We are also going to see Cirque De Soleil: KA…I’m waiting for the hubby to wake up and get back to me about what other shows he wants to see.

4. Warm room light blankets or cold room warm snuggly blanket?

Cold room, snuggled in blankets, And I have to sleep with the AC on, we have a window unit, and I have to have the white noise, thanks to my hubby…but I’ve always needed to be in a cold room to sleep. I do love to snuggle in my blankets..but sometimes you’ll find me with one leg out of the covers and one leg under…I get hot…and I am a restless sleeper, so the covers can be found in a ball when I wake up, or even on the floor, or even half on the floor, LOL

5. What is the worst airplane/flying experience you've ever had?

Hmm, I’ve not had a horrible experience ever to be quite honest. I’ve had some long layovers, and what felt like I’d never make it some where. So I guess I can talk about that…and then the last time I flew it was quite eventful, so I’ll tell that story as well.

The first one is when I flew out to Oklahoma to spend a week or so with the hubby, who was then just the boyfriend. We bought the tickets for me to fly into a small airport in Wichita Falls, TX – and I got stuck in Dallas/Fort Worth. I thought I was going to miss the connecting flight since we got into DFW kind of late. I was relieved to know it was delayed, crazy right, not everyone felt that way though. And I quickly changed my tone when we had been stuck for hours…the reason I was flying in closer to Lawton, OK was because the hubby was only allowed to drive so far, and DFW was out of his “box” and we thought Wichita Falls, TX would be better…They only have 1 plane that goes to and from DFW and Wichita Falls. So they finally got the plane fixed, and we finally got there. No, fast forward to the time for me to leave, we didn’t think we needed to be there really really early, but we were wrong because we showed up with what we thought was plenty of time, but they had already boarded the plane and it was ready for take off…OOPS…so we had to wait for the money to buy a ticket, and this time we flew me from Oklahoma City, OK…

So now onto the next story – the one from the mainland here when I was in town last month…on my way to the airport to fly back, I got a text, I had them set up to tell me if my flight was cancelled or delayed. It said the flight had been delayed, I was like, oh okay, cool. Then not even 5 minutes later I get another text siting it was cancelled due to plane maintenance. Well CRAP -  I wanted to get back to Hawaii for New Years, and I had a connector in Phoenix, and I was worried about missing it. So I went to the ticket counter, and had to wait in line, because obviously a lot of people needed a new flight. So an agent was going down the line, giving a number, so I called. The lady told me the next flight was that evening, it was a little after 9 at this point, not happening…so I told the lady I didn’t care how I got there, or what stops I made, I just wanted to get to Hawaii, and on the next available flight that wasn’t going to involve waiting in an airport for 9 hours…so she found one through Delta, I was flying US Airways. So she said the only thing is it leaves in a little over an hour, and I had to run to the other terminal, because well, you know, things can’t be easy…I’m on the phone with her, trying to push all my bags on a cart to the other terminal, just to get a confirmation number that didn’t work because she didn’t hold a ticket. I get in line after trying the code myself on a computer, and an agent helping, and then getting asked why I was in line by another agent, well, I’m in line because I have a confirmation code that doesn’t work, I’m suppose to be in this line. I finally get to the counter and the guy is like, well, I don’t know if I can get you on this fight. OH HELL NO HOME BOY…I was told I had a seat, give me a seat…turns out he was able to, they paid for my bags and since it was a non-stop flight I got 2 meals, 1 snack, and a ton of free drinks, soda and water of course…so moral of the story, fly Delta non-stop from Atlanta to Hawaii or from Hawaii to Atlanta, you get 2 free meals and a snack, and free entertainment!!!

Updates & his birthday

I know this is kind of late, but better late than never!!!

I’ve gotten several emails and even a letter in the mail from my son’s adoptive mother. My first email was on his birthday, and it just made that day so much more special. She sent some family pictures they had done, and they were really cute!

Then a few weeks later she sent some more. Just pictures from life, and the last 6 months. I so enjoyed seeing them. And then this week she sent pictures from their birthday and Christmas.

I can’t get over how TALL he is and how much he is looking like a child and not a baby or toddler. And I can’t help but see his birth father in him. The poor kid has the guys hairline.

He’s doing really well though. He’s growing and developing. He’s right on target. Which is quite amazing since he had a rough first 6-8 months of life. He’s come a long way. And it is so wonderful to see him doing well.

On his birthday, I was hanging out with my friends, and decided it would be a great idea to get a cake, and celebrate his birthday. So we went to see Arthur Christmas and then went to Chili’s for drinks and dinner.