5 years, to the day

It didn't dawn on me until today, that it hasn't just been 5 years since I gave birth and placed my son, but 5 years to the day.

J was born on a Tuesday morning, I signed the papers on a Wednesday morning. Wednesday was also the day that I held him for the first time and last time. It's also the day he got to leave the hospital. Sleeping in the hospital Tuesday night wasn't as bad as Wednesday because I knew my son was under the same roof, but Wednesday night, knowing he was sleeping somewhere else, it was really hard. Leaving the hospital without him was probably even harder. It's not natural for a mother to walk into a hospital with her son safely inside her, and to leave without him.

The day after his birthday is almost always worse than his birthday. They're both pretty hard on me. But I have an amazing support system. My husband is great, he doesn't understand, but he's here for me and knows when I need him. And all my friends are great. I don't know where I'd be without them.

I started a couple years ago, having cake and celebrating his birthday. I think it was just too hard the first few years. But now that I've started, I don't think I ever want to not do it.