Monday, November 14, 2011


I feel myself sinking…slowing drifting into depression. Into the darkness.

This holiday season is fast approaching, and with that comes the 3rd birthday of my son, and the emptiness that I sometimes feel when it comes to him. It’s just not natural to carry a child for 9 months and give birth to a baby, and then proceed to go home empty handed and spend the rest of your life without them. I remember the first few weeks, luckily I never woke up in a panic thinking I heard him or afraid I’d miss a feeding. But I did feel empty, my arms felt empty. I’d rock myself to sleep, instead of an infant, because it felt so weird to be going to bed without him. I would cry myself to sleep, begging God to bring him back. Knowing that he was better off with his new family, and that I’d be better in time. Knowing that I did what was best for everyone involved. I gave the best gift to a family who could no longer have children, and I gave the best gift to my son - a mother, father and brother, 2 of those things I couldn’t give him, well, the brother part is something I could have eventually, but the dad part, sure I could have met someone to take the roll, but that void would have still been there, and he deserved to have a father, a loving father, a Godly father.  He will always know how much he is loved, and wanted.

But another reason I’m starting to feel a little depressed is because this will be the 1st Christmas without my husband home. It won’t be our first Thanksgiving apart, we spent our first Thanksgiving apart, and granted the circumstances are totally different, as he was in Hawaii and I was still home, it still stunk. But at least we got to spend last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I’m going home to the mainland for Christmas. I’m not too excited about the traveling, but I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family. But it’s not going to be the same. By all accounts we’re lucky to have spent 2 Christmases in a row together, but it doesn’t make the fact that we’re not together any easier. And I just feel so bad for him, because he’s all alone, and I’ll be with friends and family…

I put on a good front for people, on the outside I look great, but inside, I’m slowly creeping inside myself. I know I have friends who won’t let that happen, and I’m so incredibly lucky.

So, to my friends and family, thanks in advanced. I love ya’ll more than anything!