Christmas trip 2011

So much for thinking the new blog design would help me update more often. Whoops.

I guess I could go back in time, to my trip home. Especially since I didn’t even write about it at all here.

It was great. Better than I thought it would be. And much needed.

I hated being there without my husband, but it was nice to not spend Christmas alone, even though I wouldn’t have been alone in Hawaii.

I spent a lot of time traveling on my trip. I think I put at least 2000 miles on a car. I drove from Atlanta, to Dahlonega, to Chattanooga, to Nashville, back to Chattanooga, back to Dahlonega and then back to Atlanta. Driving places in between at each stop.

The first stop was Atlanta, to stay the night with my grandfather. He took me to dinner at the Country Club, and my Aunt and Uncle joined us. It was nice, it felt like old times, spending the night, that is. If my grandmother had still be living it would have been exactly like old times. But she’s been gone 2 years now, and Granddad and I talked about her, and shared memories. It was nice. He misses her so much. I hope that my husband and I have that kind of love. They were married for 50 years.

Then I drove up to Dahlonega and spent a few days with the husband’s family. It was nice to see his mom and dad, and grandparents. I got to meet his great-grandmother as well. I spent some time with his cousins and Aunts and Uncles, and even went to dinner with his friend. It was really nice.

Then I drove up to Chattanooga to spend time with my family and friends. I took my mom and sister to dinner with my best friend and her daughter, of course we went to my favorite Chinese restaurant, Formosa! Then I helped Emily with her daughter, it was so nice spending so much time with Emily. It was just like old times. Emily and I drove up to Nashville for the day, to have lunch with my father. It was nice. We were going to see the hotel all decorated for Christmas, but it was $18 to park, we said no way, plus the parking lot is far away from the hotel and it was raining, and we had no umbrella, and her 2 year old.

I spent a lot of time with my sister too. I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Night at my mom’s house. We drove to Atlanta for Christmas with my grandfather and his sister and her husband. Mom and I made Chicken Divan and Rice, and my Uncle brought Costco Apple Pie for desert! We went back home that evening, and I took my sister to see Breaking Dawn, for my 3rd time. The night before, I took mom and my sister to see Sherlock Holmes.

I went back to Dahlonega to spend more time with the husband’s family. And then I went down to Atlanta to spend the night with my grandfather and have dinner with him and my Aunt and Uncle again.

The next day I was flying back to Hawaii. On my way to the airport, I got a text and then a call that my flight was cancelled. Due to airplane maintenance. So when I got there, I went to the ticket counter, waiting in line, and finally calling the airline, they weren’t going to be able to put me on a plane until later that evening. I was told her that was not an option. So she called Delta, and got me a non-stop flight, only kicker, I had less than an hour to get checked in and board. I got a confirmation number, and went over to Delta, which of course was in the opposite terminal. When I got there, the conformation number wasn’t working. So I got in line, again. The guy told me he didn’t know if he could get me on the plane. I was like, wtf, I want on this plane, and the lady I talked to said I was…anyways, he got me on, and I didn’t have to pay to check my bags!

I ended up getting 2 meals and 1 snack out of the flight, and I think we will only fly Delta non-stop from here on out. And I also ended up getting into Hawaii close to 2 hours ahead of time!

New Years Eve was spent with good friends, eating good food, drinking good wine/champagne, and watching fireworks!

new years

So I guess I’ll jump on the bandwagon and write about new years. It was amazing, and pretty, and just what I needed!

We had good German food, great cake, and lots of booze. I introduced everyone to Poinsettia's – champagne and cranberry juice, we played a game, and then sat outside with a fire and made s’mores. We then watched the Fireworks from Waikiki, Pearl Ridge, and some other places all from my friend’s back/front yards.

It was really the best way to ring in the new year without our husbands.

2012 is a big year…lots to look forward too! I am so excited!

Sinking

I feel myself sinking…slowing drifting into depression. Into the darkness.

This holiday season is fast approaching, and with that comes the 3rd birthday of my son, and the emptiness that I sometimes feel when it comes to him. It’s just not natural to carry a child for 9 months and give birth to a baby, and then proceed to go home empty handed and spend the rest of your life without them. I remember the first few weeks, luckily I never woke up in a panic thinking I heard him or afraid I’d miss a feeding. But I did feel empty, my arms felt empty. I’d rock myself to sleep, instead of an infant, because it felt so weird to be going to bed without him. I would cry myself to sleep, begging God to bring him back. Knowing that he was better off with his new family, and that I’d be better in time. Knowing that I did what was best for everyone involved. I gave the best gift to a family who could no longer have children, and I gave the best gift to my son - a mother, father and brother, 2 of those things I couldn’t give him, well, the brother part is something I could have eventually, but the dad part, sure I could have met someone to take the roll, but that void would have still been there, and he deserved to have a father, a loving father, a Godly father.  He will always know how much he is loved, and wanted.

But another reason I’m starting to feel a little depressed is because this will be the 1st Christmas without my husband home. It won’t be our first Thanksgiving apart, we spent our first Thanksgiving apart, and granted the circumstances are totally different, as he was in Hawaii and I was still home, it still stunk. But at least we got to spend last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I’m going home to the mainland for Christmas. I’m not too excited about the traveling, but I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family. But it’s not going to be the same. By all accounts we’re lucky to have spent 2 Christmases in a row together, but it doesn’t make the fact that we’re not together any easier. And I just feel so bad for him, because he’s all alone, and I’ll be with friends and family…

I put on a good front for people, on the outside I look great, but inside, I’m slowly creeping inside myself. I know I have friends who won’t let that happen, and I’m so incredibly lucky.

So, to my friends and family, thanks in advanced. I love ya’ll more than anything!

Father’s Day

So, I always tell my father and grandfather’s Happy Father’s Day, but for the most part, Father’s day for me is just any other day. I think if the sperm donor had been better to me, I might feel differently, but since he was such a jerk, and never really ever took responsibility for our son, I just don’t care for the day. And I don’t think I ever will until my husband and I  have children of our own.

Someone at one of the adoption/birthmom blogs I follow mentioned doing a birthfather’s day, like there is birthmom’s day, but for me, I don’t feel like they deserve a day. I know there are birthfather’s out there who are great guys, and who helped the birthmom out, but since that wasn’t my experience, I have no reason to want to celebrate them. I’m sure this isn’t going to be a popular outlook on it, but it’s my personal feelings, and my personal opinion, and I think I’m justified in feeling this way because of the experience I had. And if you don’t like it, then just keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

The adoptive father has done more for him in the 2 1/2 years then the sperm donor could have ever done in 18+ years. It’s sad to think about it, it’s upsetting and frustrating, and it pisses me off.

It’s not fair that he just moved on with his life, acted as if this never happened. I’m sure if you asked him if he had kids he’d say no. But here I am taking on the sperm donor’s responsibility and going on with my life the best way I know how. And trying so hard not to allow my personal feelings for this guy influence how my son will feel about him.

I don’t know what the sperm donor is doing these days, and for all we know in 10 years he could be married and a wonderful father. But for now, he’s just a dead beat sperm donor who doesn’t even deserve a blog post about him, but yet, here I am…

And if anyone has a problem with me calling him sperm donor, read above, keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

Birth Mother’s Day

So Saturday was Birth Mother's Day. I think I've written about it before. It's a day to remember the ones who selflessly gave a child up for adoption. I've never really actively celebrated. I usually just get a simple Happy Mother's Day on Mother's Day. But this year, I tried to go out of my way to make it special for a few of the Birth Mother's in my life.

I have never been acknowledged by the adoptive family for mother’s day. It kind of bummed me out, and it still does, I just try not to let it affect my mood. This year was no different. I got NOTHING from them for Mother’s Day. She was already a mother when they adopted the baby, but she was a mother again because of me. And I feel like they just don’t appreciate it. I am sure these feelings are normal, and are probably for nothing, but still, I have them. And I’ve never been one to push aside my feelings, or not voice them. At least on my blog, I would never tell them how I really felt because I don’t want to jeopardize the updates I am suppose to get every 6 months. Which, if my math is correct is this month. I always get so anxious waiting for them. And I’ve also gotten worried in the past that they won’t come. I’m trying really hard not to do it this time. And I think I’ve said it before, but I just hate being the person who worries and complains about things that are out of my control. It just sucks because we had such an open dialogue before the baby was born, and I honestly didn’t think it would change after, but it changed big time. They decided to unfriend me around Mother’s day after he was born. Talk about a low blow. It hurt me so much. I knew it was coming. I had a message from them a few months before telling me they were going to do it. I just didn’t think they’d wait so long, or do it around Mother’s Day. I know their reasoning behind it, and I completely understand. I just think it was wrong and rude. And because we were friends, and had such an open dialogue during the pregnancy I thought it would stay the same, so I didn’t put much in the openness agreement. In fact, I don’t really think we have one.

Anyways, this was suppose to be about Birth Mother’s Day and the controversy, I guess that can be for another day.

2010 in Review

I borrowed this from Stefanie, I thought it was a good survey, kind of sums up the whole year of 2010...so here goes!!


1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?:
Went to Maui, somewhere I had never been, and went on a submarine ride
Spent each other's birthday's together, first time EVER, he left for Oklahoma right before my birthday when we were dating, and we started dating after his birthday.
Celebrating 1 year of marriage, in the same place.
Had our first Thanksgiving together(in the same place, last Thanksgiving we were on opposite sides of the country, sorda - he was in Hawaii, I was in Georgia)
I made my first Ham and Cornish Hen for Christmas, and we spent Christmas in the same place, again, which if you're a military family, you know it is quite rare to spend multiple holidays/special occasions together.


2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
I didn't make any last year, and didn't this year...


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
Nobody really close, but I had a lot of friends give birth....


4. Did anyone close to you die?:
My grandmother passed a year ago this weekend...and my great-Aunt passed also...


5. What countries did you visit?:
None this year, but I went to Maui, that was the extent of my traveling, my husband will go to Afghanistan later this year....


6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?:
A cleaner house, more money, closer friends (who live closer), better relationship with family and my husband (not that we have a bad one)


7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: 
Jan. 9, July 10, Oct. 31, Dec. 10 - those dates will always be special to me


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
Spending time apart from my husband twice, it might sound stupid, and those whose husbands deployed last year and spent longer away might hate me, but it was just a few months after I moved to Hawaii, THOUSANDS of miles from friends and family, and I made it through both those months just FINE! And it helped me realize my strength and that I would be able to get through the 12 month deployment....


9. What was your biggest failure?:
Housework, bahahaha


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
I sprained my ankle in July, and I suffer from depression and an anxiety disorder


11. What was the best thing you bought?:
oh geez, we didn't really make many big purchasing, and all the small purchases were pretty much clothes and food related, but for my birthday I got a very pretty pearl necklace from Maui and a Kindle, and at Christmas got a PlayStation Move, Crock Pot, and an open hearts necklace from Kay's...


12. Whose behavior merited celebration?:
I really don't know, nobody's behavior really stands out...


13. Whose behavior made you appalled?:
I really don't know, nobody's behavior really stands out...


14. Where did most of your money go?:
BILLS....food, gas...


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Spending birthdays, and holidays with my husband, and getting to spend our 1st anniversary together.


16. What song will always remind you of 2010?:
Airplanes by B.o.B.
Dear John, Mine, Back to December by Taylor Swift
Firework by Katy Perry
and there are probably more that I just can't think of now, lol


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?: happier
ii. thinner or fatter?: maybe a tad bit fatter...
iii. richer or poorer?: uhm, richer maybe....


18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Going to the beach with my husband, not procrastinating, cleaning the house more, doing dishes more, getting to know more people...


19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
Procrastinating, sleeping...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?:
We spent Christmas together, I made a ham and a cornish hen and some sides, we exchanged our gifts early, but had a few small things to open on Christmas day...this was the 2nd Christmas in a row we got to spend together, next year we might not be so lucky :(


21. What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2010?:
Hmm...I think falling and spraining my ankle was really embarrassing, I felt so bad, and I pretty much ruined the rest of our trip to Maui, thank goodness we were leaving the next day....


22. Did you fall in love in 2010?:
well, I originally fell in love in 2009, but I fall in love with my husband more and more every day


23. How many one-night stands?:
NONE...


24. What was your favorite TV program?:
Chelsea Lately, hands down...Modern Family, Cougar Town, Better With You, General Hospital


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: 
No, I pretty much hated the same people, totally kidding ya'll...I don't hate anyone!


26. What was the best book you read?:
The Bridal Quartet books by Nora Roberts, and the last few books from the Sisterhood Series by Fern Michaels


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
Katy Perry, I'd heard her stuff before, but recently just fell in love with her! Especially Firework...

28. What did you want and get?:
A crock pot, some video games, a Kindle


29. What did you want and not get?:
I'm not sure, I honestly can't think of anything...


30. What was your favorite film of this year?:
Eclipse, and I have such a bad memory I can not remember any of the other's I saw, oh Inception was one I saw and liked, and I think Iron Man 2, Sherlock Holmes, Avatar, and maybe a few others...


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
We went to Maui on vacation, and I turned 25! I got a very pretty pearl necklace, and a Kindle!


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
Spending time with my husband, meeting new people, and getting updates on my son


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?:
Comfy....I'm totally all about whatever is comfortable, not so much fashionable, but all about the comfort!


34. What kept you sane?:
I'm not sane, never have been ;) Probably therapy and meds! And the updates I got on my son...


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
Chelsea Handler, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Jo Koy, Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey


36. What political issue stirred you the most?:
The pay raise freeze Obama is putting on all Military, as if sending them overseas to fight for our country and spending countless months/years away from their families you're going to NOT give them raises every year...how about YOU take a pay freeze Obama, and everyone else in politics....


37. Who did you miss?:
Well, my family and friends on the mainland, and my son for sure


38. Who was the best new person you met?:
I met so many wonderful new people this year that to choose just one would be totally unfair to the rest! 


39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Never go to bed angry, and don't send your husband away angry; also that I will be okay when my husband deploys...


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Airplanes by B.o.B. 
"Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now 
(wish right now, wish right now)"


Dear John by Taylor Swift
"Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress cried the whole way home
I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young to be messed with
The girl in the dress wrote you a song
You should've known
You should've known
Don't you think I was too young
You should've known"


Firework by Katy Perry
"Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon"