Preparation

So, I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for 3 years now, I’m not ashamed of that, and most people know that. I started them the day my son was born. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened had I not done that. Seeing as I had post partum, on top of the emotions of the adoption. It took a few tries to get the right combo, and once I got to Hawaii, it took 3 psychiatrists, but we finally got it, just a few months before my husband left for Afghanistan! So, now I’m doing really well, and feeling really great. Sure I have some moments, but I chalk that up to being “normal.”

Well, a few weeks ago I talked with my psychiatrists about getting off my anti-depressants (I’m was on 2) so that when the husband gets home we can start trying for kids. The anti-anxiety med is mostly used at night for RLS, and is okay to take when pregnant. So I’m not worried about that one. So last month I started tapering off one. And this week I talked with my psychiatrist again about the other one. The one I’m still on is a little trickier to tapper off, but we’re going to do it slowly, and with his assistance. We’re going this one in 2 steps, as opposed to 1 like the other one. I’m taking half of a pill for now, and when I go back to see the psychiatrist we will half that dose, and then from there stop it altogether.

We’ve done research, and we know that there isn’t that much out there about the medicines I was/am on doing any damage during pregnancy. But I would feel better if I’m off them. But wouldn’t be angry if I have to be on one of them. Because I’m doing fine without the other. We’ll see how I do off the other one. My psychiatrist said that it I might not feel any different off this one right away, so we’re going to see how I do.

I’m excited to start this new chapter, and I’m excited for my husband to be home. It’s been one hell of a year. So here’s to baby making! Well, let’s get my husband home first! HA!

Oh and I’m done with therapy! I had my last session this week! She said I’m doing so well that we really have no more to do!!!

Love is sacrifice

A friend posted about the difference between “Love” and “In Love,” and her definition of “Love” really hit home for me, and I’m sure it will hit home for everyone. But it really hit home in defining my decision to place.

Here is what she said: “Ok, so love is active: we do it.  I feel love is an attitude that chooses what is best for another person, rather than what is easiest or most pleasurable for us.  Love is sacrifice. Love is a choice.  Loving someone (truly loving a person) usually lasts a lifetime. You grow to love someone for who they are and accept them for that.”

The phrase that came out of my mouth over and over when explaining my reasoning, and even now, 3 years later, as I tell my story, is that I wanted to do what was best for my son. It wasn’t until I had made the decision and was okay with the decision that I started to think of myself, and realize that even though it’s natural for a woman, a mother more specifically, to want to raise their children, I knew that this adoption was best for me too. As much as I wanted to raise him, I knew that it was not the best thing for me either.

And if you think placing him was easy, think again, placing him wasn’t easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t pleasurable either, it was actually quite the opposite. Like I said, it’s not natural for a mother to not parent. It isn’t natural for a mother to leave the hospital empty handed.

No matter how much I tried to NOT attach myself to him, it happened. And when I realized that it had happened, it hit me super hard.

When people say that they couldn’t believe they could love someone they’d never met so much, they’re not lying. And I couldn’t believe how much I loved him, even when I tried so hard to NOT attach myself. It’s inevitable.

National Adoption Awareness Month

I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2

Surprise

I was going through my reading list on blogger, and I saw my picture, I was like, uh, what, and then I remembered that a few months ago, Monika from BirthMom Buds Blog contacted me to be the spotlight blogger! And she told me that it would run on Oct 14, which is today, and I forgot, even though I knew it would happen, I just forgot…so go here and check it out, it’s just another little part of my story and journey as a birthmom.

Needs and Wants

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye Hardwick

This quote is from Birthmom Buds and it is just something that is so true.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I really feel like God wants me to be a mother, to raise children. But I know that the timing was off. I knew that what I had to offer a child at the time was not going to give my son everything he NEEDED, not so much what he wants, but what he needs. Sure I could have given him those things, but at what cost. Welfare and WIC and Foodstamps, crappy healthcare and even crappier childcare. Now, I’m not knocking those things, because I know that they’re needed, but those are temporary solutions to your problems, they’re not something that should be used long term. At least, in my opinion. I was on WIC when I was pregnant, so I’m really NOT against these programs. But I was only on it while I was pregnant, and then never went back on it. I was also drawing unemployment at one point, but that is temporary as well.

My son now has a roof, food, clothes, and two loving parents, and an awesome big brother. All of which I couldn’t really provide. Sure I had a roof and food and clothes, but what kind of childhood would he have had if I had raised him. He wouldn’t have known his father, as he didn’t want anything to do with him, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t force the guy to even pay child support, let alone force him to see the kid he didn’t want anything to do with.

It didn’t seem like a healthy choice for my son, battling it out in court with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him, and forcing this guy to pay for a child he wanted nothing to do with. I just can’t imagine the negative effects that would have had on him later in life.

I’m sure my son will have problems later in life, issues with the adoption, but I’d hope he’d realize that what I did, I did for him, and to give him a better life. And as much crap as I give the birthfather, I do hope that one day he comes around and realizes that this amazing little boy is his son, and will want to know him.

And I hope my son can see that I really did put his needs over my wants, because I really still feel like I did, to this day. I have no regrets about giving him a better life. And in turn, I gave myself a better life as well.

Officially Suck

I officially suck at blogging. I mean, hell, it’s almost been 2 months…

Not much is going on here, I’m super busy working and hanging out with friends. It sure does make the time go by so much faster.

I’m actually off work for a week or two, they’re on the mainland. So I’m catching up on sleep, and chores. But mostly sleep. I’ll try to catch up on blogging too.

Saturday will be 6 months down, 6 months to go in the deployment front. And the hubby sent me these wonderfully beautiful flowers to “celebrate” making it halfway through the deployment.

I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot lately too. But seeing as he’ll be 3 in a few months, he’s not so much a baby anymore is he…it’s so hard to imagine that it’ll be 3 years in December. I mean, it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.

I still miss him a lot, and I’m sure I will miss him for the rest of my life. Which I’m sure some people just don’t understand, because I don’t understand…I don’t know how I can miss him when I never really knew him or had him, you know. So it doesn’t make much sense that I miss him. But I guess, that’s just the miracle of childbirth, you carry this thing around with you for 9 months, and even though you try like hell not to get attached, you end up attached.

Countdown fun

Got this from Red Hot :)

ten. Favorite Places to be. 
1. Anywhere with the husband
2. Sleeping
3. At home
4. With friends
5. Starbucks
6. Maui
7. The sofa
8. Computer chair
9. Neighbor's house
10. With loved ones

nine. Weird things about me
1. I don't like when my volume on the tv, radio, computer is an odd number, but I'm okay with it ending in a 5...
2. I love to plays Sims 3
3. I'm addicted to Facebook, and I'm pretty good at stalking
4. I can't wait to have children, but I'm in no rush
5. I have an addiction to nail polish and Scentsy scent bars
6. I try not to judge people - everyone has done things they're not proud of, and who am I to make a judgment about you, when I'm not perfect...
7. I love to dance, but I'm not good at it at all...
8. I will never eat another gummy bear in my life
9. My very best friend and I have never met in person, but we are closer than some of my family members...

eight. Things I am going to do this summer
1. Go to Maui
2. Stay in Waikiki
3. R&R
4. Work
5. Go to Vegas
6. Walk
7. Tan
8. Take hubby back to airport :(

seven. Things I am thinking of. 
1. My husband
2. Son
3. Babies
4. Family
5. Friends
6. Food (I'm hungry)
7. Sleep (didn't sleep well)

six. Things I am wearing. 
1. Old Navy Capris
2. Wal Mart Shirt
3. Silly Bandz (Hello Kitty, Tinkerbell)
4. Slippah's (flip flops)
5. Wedding ring
6. Birthstone ring

five. Things I am worried about
1. Hubby leaving
2. Money
3. Flying to Maui
4. Deployment
5. ???

four. Things on my floor
1. Clothes
2. Drinks
3. Shoes
4. Laundry Baskets

three. Things I want to do today
1. Play Sims
2. Cuddle
3. Sleep

two. Things I will reveal
1. We are not trying to get pregnant, but we're not preventing it.
2. I love having my husband home for R&R but a part of me can't wait for him to go back so we can get this deployment over with.

one. A Secret
Well, hmm, I was planning on coming home in August, but I just don't think I'm going to be able to afford it. So instead, for Labor day I might meet up with a friend in Vegas.

So Big

I got a few pictures in my email, as part of my update. They're from his bday party in December. He's so big, I can't even imagine how big he is now...I'm sure even bigger then the Dec pictures.

He looks happy. And that makes me happy. It makes my decision easier to cope with. Not that he might be unhappy had I kept him. But just that it helps solidify that I did what was best. I'm looking forward to more pictures and a letter. Ya'll just don't know how much these things mean to me...

posted from Bloggeroid

Waiting pays off

So I haven't gotten an update yet, but I did hear from the adoptive mom, and one is on its way. She is going to email Christmas and birthday pictures and then snail mail the other pictures and a letter. Some things came up and that's why its been a while. She sent me a fb message, it was definitely a surprise, a good one. So my waiting is going to pay off...

posted from Bloggeroid

Father’s Day

So, I always tell my father and grandfather’s Happy Father’s Day, but for the most part, Father’s day for me is just any other day. I think if the sperm donor had been better to me, I might feel differently, but since he was such a jerk, and never really ever took responsibility for our son, I just don’t care for the day. And I don’t think I ever will until my husband and I  have children of our own.

Someone at one of the adoption/birthmom blogs I follow mentioned doing a birthfather’s day, like there is birthmom’s day, but for me, I don’t feel like they deserve a day. I know there are birthfather’s out there who are great guys, and who helped the birthmom out, but since that wasn’t my experience, I have no reason to want to celebrate them. I’m sure this isn’t going to be a popular outlook on it, but it’s my personal feelings, and my personal opinion, and I think I’m justified in feeling this way because of the experience I had. And if you don’t like it, then just keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

The adoptive father has done more for him in the 2 1/2 years then the sperm donor could have ever done in 18+ years. It’s sad to think about it, it’s upsetting and frustrating, and it pisses me off.

It’s not fair that he just moved on with his life, acted as if this never happened. I’m sure if you asked him if he had kids he’d say no. But here I am taking on the sperm donor’s responsibility and going on with my life the best way I know how. And trying so hard not to allow my personal feelings for this guy influence how my son will feel about him.

I don’t know what the sperm donor is doing these days, and for all we know in 10 years he could be married and a wonderful father. But for now, he’s just a dead beat sperm donor who doesn’t even deserve a blog post about him, but yet, here I am…

And if anyone has a problem with me calling him sperm donor, read above, keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

Still waiting...and Army Wife stuff

I'm still waiting for an update. But I think I'm okay with that. At least in this moment I am. And we all know how things, emotions, can change on a dime.

I usually don't talk about the Army Wife side of my life on this site since I have a blog just for it, but I'm going to talk about it today...because the emotions are the same as with the adoption, in that they change on a dime.

I went to a welcome home ceremony last night, 2 of my neighbors just got home. It was bittersweet. I almost cried as they were coming in from the busses, but I was able to get it together. I cannot wait for it to me waiting for my husband to come in from the busses.

We are 1/6th of the way thru this deployment. I think I like thinking of it in fractions. It makes it seem less daunting. And it makes it seem like its moving faster than say using percentages.

Anyways. I think I'm off to bed. I didn't get to sleep til 3am, and woke up at 9am...

I plan on sleeping in tomorrow.

Oh and I don't think I will ever use the computer to update my blog now that I have the Blogger app on my phone lol!!!

Waiting

I'm not sure what is going on, but I keep checking the mail daily for an update. I got the last one in November, so if I've done the math right, its been 7 months.
He's 2 1/2, so I thought it was still every 6 months. There was nothing in the last update to make me think they weren't going to send one in 6 months. I know things happen and they are probably busy. But even if you're busy, you could sit down and write a few sentences saying, hey sorry things are busy, we don't know when but we will send some pictures.
I mean, I know I didn't send an update until Jan, but I wanted to get pictures and stuff put together, and I was kind of hoping for a short update after his birthday and Christmas. But I don't have a schedule to keep on. I didn't say I'd update on me, you're the ones who wanted something, and I obliged. I don't think I've over done updates, I send them after you send one. I send mothers day cards, and you don't send me one, I just don't understand. I honestly don't think I over stepped any boundaries, and I would think that since we are all adults they would let me know if I have. I wouldn't think they'd just stop updates altogether. I know its still early June. But its been 7 months...maybe they're waiting for my birthday...but why? That'll be 8 months by then.
I know I worry every time it comes time to get an update, but I've never had to wait this long. And I do feel bad, I know they don't owe me anything, but I don't feel like its too much to ask that they keep their word. And I never thought they'd be the type of people too go back on their word.
But then again, they've done some things I didn't think they ever would....(that's another issue for another day)

Birth Mother’s Day

So Saturday was Birth Mother's Day. I think I've written about it before. It's a day to remember the ones who selflessly gave a child up for adoption. I've never really actively celebrated. I usually just get a simple Happy Mother's Day on Mother's Day. But this year, I tried to go out of my way to make it special for a few of the Birth Mother's in my life.

I have never been acknowledged by the adoptive family for mother’s day. It kind of bummed me out, and it still does, I just try not to let it affect my mood. This year was no different. I got NOTHING from them for Mother’s Day. She was already a mother when they adopted the baby, but she was a mother again because of me. And I feel like they just don’t appreciate it. I am sure these feelings are normal, and are probably for nothing, but still, I have them. And I’ve never been one to push aside my feelings, or not voice them. At least on my blog, I would never tell them how I really felt because I don’t want to jeopardize the updates I am suppose to get every 6 months. Which, if my math is correct is this month. I always get so anxious waiting for them. And I’ve also gotten worried in the past that they won’t come. I’m trying really hard not to do it this time. And I think I’ve said it before, but I just hate being the person who worries and complains about things that are out of my control. It just sucks because we had such an open dialogue before the baby was born, and I honestly didn’t think it would change after, but it changed big time. They decided to unfriend me around Mother’s day after he was born. Talk about a low blow. It hurt me so much. I knew it was coming. I had a message from them a few months before telling me they were going to do it. I just didn’t think they’d wait so long, or do it around Mother’s Day. I know their reasoning behind it, and I completely understand. I just think it was wrong and rude. And because we were friends, and had such an open dialogue during the pregnancy I thought it would stay the same, so I didn’t put much in the openness agreement. In fact, I don’t really think we have one.

Anyways, this was suppose to be about Birth Mother’s Day and the controversy, I guess that can be for another day.

Deployment número uno

My husband left a few days ago. He'll be gone a while, 12 months. I haven't really written about it much on here since this is mainly my adoption blog, but I figured I'd owe ya'll an explaination as to why I've not posted in a really long time.

So, back in March we went to the mainland, we were there for 2 weeks, and I really didn't have a computer to update one when I was there. We had a good trip. It was so stressful though. I'm glad to be back home. We spent time in Atlanta, Dahlonega, and Chattanooga. We saw everyone we could, and spent as much time with them as we could. It was hard to fit everything in but I think we did a pretty good job. I am not looking forward to another trip like that though, if I'm being honest. I told people I'd be back while the husband is deployed, but quite honestly, I don't know if I want to. I'm happy in Hawaii, and I'm comfortable here. Plus, flying to the mainland is SO expensive.

I'm doing a lot better with this than I thought I would, I have only really cried when he was getting on the bus, and other than that, I've been fine. That may make me sound like a heartless bitch, or that I don't care about him, but I do care, and I am not heartless, I just know that there is no use in crying for him when he isn't going to be able to do anything for you. I've gotten emails almost every day, and he's called a few times. It's hard though, because the internet where ever he is sucks, and there is a delay. We mostly email and skype IM. I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've been sick, so that makes it hard to stay super busy. I just mostly want to lay in bed and watch tv. And I don't know if it's because of the deployment or the illness. It could be both.

I've been missing my son lately too. It has been almost 5 months since I got an update, and I'm hoping I get one soon. It's suppose to be every 6 months, so I'm hoping for May. I know every time around the time I'm suppose to get an update I get upset, and think they won't send one, but I think that's just a fear all birth parents in semi-open adoption have. It's natural, if you think about it. Especially if it's been a while, I know for me, it's kind of like, did they forget about me, do they know it's time, I just hate the not knowing. And I hate not having control. I also hate the fact that they didn't acknowledge the package I sent them. A simple thank you note would be nice, or a little note saying they got it. I don't think they need to thank me for it. But just let me know you got it. Let me know you liked it, or let me know if he enjoyed the book I sent. I got the book for free, and I want to know that they use it, that they read it to him, and that I didn't win the book for nothing, that it could have gone to someone else, who would have used it. I guess I may never know, but I hope they at least tell me in the next update.

A Poem, A Package, and Cross Stitch

When I first saw this poem I thought it would be great to cross stitch and frame for the adoptive family. I hadn't started yet, I couldn't figure out how to do it, or what to use. Well, Hobby Lobby online had a special $2.95 shipping deal, so I figured what the heck, I'll go ahead and get the stuff. I also got some stuff for a special piece for my house, I have to get different thread for that one, as the colors I got weren't what I had in mind. Anyways,  back on track...I started putting the poem on the fabric. It is a long poem, and I think I should have gotten a wider piece, and it might take two to get the whole poem on it, but I think it will turn out well. I'll post pictures when I'm at least done with the first stanza. Maybe ya'll can tell me what you think, please be honest, let me know if it sucks. I'll post pictures tomorrow, as I'm hoping it will be somewhat done....at least the first stanza. I call it that, but I don't know what else to call them, lol....I'm using blue thread and I'm going to back stitch in black. I'm trying to think if I want to put a boarder around it or not, I haven't decided. I think it depends on how long it turns out to be, and well, yea, I'm rambling, sorry...


I did send off a package to the adoptive family. I included the book I won from Kelsey, a christmas ornament I picked up, and the main reason it was so late in going out is because I decided to include some pictures from when I was a child, and the wedding and our first year here in Hawaii, and instead of using 1 hour, I did site to store on wal mart because it was so much cheaper than 1 hour or even to have them shipped here, it would have cost more than the pictures to ship them, and call me cheap, but I wasn't going to do that when I could have them shipped to the local wal mart for free....so I picked those up, and sent them along with a birthday card, a pretty long letter and then a note explaining why it was kind of late, I mean, I have no schedule as to when to send things, but they did send one to me between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I felt bad waiting. Anyways, they should get it next week. I hope they enjoy the book as much as I did, and I can't wait to get one for myself. The ornament I got was a cute little bear that was wearing a shirt that said "I <3 Hawaii" and I think he had a surf board, I can't remember. I thought it would be neat to give him an ornament from somewhere I lived, I think next year I'll send one from Tennessee or Georgia, but I don't know. His first ornament from me was Noah's Ark, because my mom wanted to give him my Noah's Ark music box, so I thought it was something neat to do. Last years was just a sugar cookie 2 with a bear....I was going to get the 3rd one this year, but I wanted something different. I'm sure I'm putting way to much thought into his ornaments, and I am sure right now he doesn't give a rats ass about them, lol...


The hubby will be able to talk again in 6 days, I can't wait....I haven't been having a hard time with it, until lately, the last couple days. He'll be home in just 2 weeks too :) Well, a little over 2 weeks. But either way, I miss him. I've tried not to complain, and I really don't feel like stating that I miss him is complaining. But if you think it is, then know that I don't mean it that way, and if you think it is complaining you can just skip this section...




Here is the poem put to music, it is quite touching...



So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure 
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore. 
But lately I've been thinking, 
Cause it's all I've had to do. 
And in my heart I feel that I 
Should give this child to you. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.


If you choose to tell him, 
If he wants to know, 
How the one who gave him life 
Could bear to let him go. 
Just tell him there were sleepless nights, 
I prayed and paced the floors, 
And knew the only peace I'd find, 
Was if this child was yours. 

And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours. 

This may not be the answer, 
For another girl like me. 
But I'm not on a soapbox, 
Saying how we all should be. 
I'm just trusting in my feelings, 
And I'm trusting God above, 
And I'm trusting you can give this baby 
Both his mothers' love. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, 
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

The inner workings of my mind...

I find it really hard to write when things are going well for me. The last few weeks have just been good for me. Nothing special about them, just good weeks. And I'm so grateful for them.

I think I did this growing up too, I started a journal when things weren't so great, and would write in it all the time, but then, once I was feeling better, or things were going well, I'd stop. I've done that now, with the journal I started for my son. The 1st year after he was born I wrote almost every day, I filled a WHOLE journal before his 1st birthday, but now that I've gotten a second one, I haven't written much in his 2nd year of life. I feel bad, I feel guilty when I don't write to him. And I know I should write to him NOW when I'm doing well, so he can see that side of me, but it is SO hard to just sit down and write. I did write the other night. And it felt good. But I have found myself doing the same thing with my blog. I need to sit down and write down some topics I want to write about, some things that I want to discuss. I started this blog for myself, as an outlet, and then I decided to take it in a whole different direction as a tool for other's to go to for help. I want to help people with it, but I can't help people if I don't write. But I can't seem to find the motivation to write when I'm doing well.

And I'm SO thankful to be doing better, and to have been doing better for more than a week. I hope it stays, but the reality of it is that it probably won't. It never stays long. So I feel like writing in my blog or journal is going to take away from the time I have to enjoy this period of time where I am happy. Which really is stupid.

And this is pretty much what goes on inside my head on a daily basis...it's a constant dialog of gosh I hope I'm happy tomorrow; geez what's causing this; what might cause me to be unhappy; when will this end; if I take the time to write in a journal or blog I might take away from my happy time; and so on and so on....

Anyways, I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a lot more, but I am going to try to do better at blogging, I am going to write down some ideas, and go from there. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment....

What's Your Advice for Teens?

I really am over the 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom thing, but there just wasn't anything on TV, so I got sucked in, and it was the Reunion show for the 2nd season. It seems that they have someone who choices adoption in every season. Which is great, that they show the struggles, but Lori, the one from Season 2 that placed was asked what she would say to Teens, she said to choice adoption.

Well, it got me thinking about what I would tell teens/young adults...and it isn't to choice adoption, or use contraception, but instead to NOT have sex, to wait until you're married and settled. BUT that if you do decide to have sex, then be on birth control AND use condoms. No teenager and young adult is ready for the responsibility a child brings. Even if you do make an adoption plan, and follow through with it.

You might feel like you're ready to have sex, but believe me, you're not. And the guy you're with just might not be there forever. And getting pregnant isn't going to make him stay, it might even push him away. Lucky for me, I didn't feel that way, I think cutting all communication with the father, and realizing that things weren't going to work out with us helped save me a lot of heartache, a different kind of heartache, but heartache nonetheless.

If you do find yourself in a situation where you are young and pregnant, then please, think about ALL your options. And seek the counsel of someone older and wiser, and who has been in your shoes. Talk to someone who had a child young, and kept it, then talk to someone who followed through with their adoption plan, even talk to someone who had an abortion. Educate yourself. Weigh ALL your options. Don't be afraid to talk to your parents.

Do research, and don't make any rash decisions. And if you're reading this, and find yourself in this situation, please don't hesitate to contact me.

My Adoption Story part 2

Since it's a new year I thought I'd catch up my adoption story, from where I left it off last time, which you can read here.

I left off with the good-bye, which was Dec. 11 2008, a day after he was born. I have not seen or held him since Dec. 11 2008. I get pictures and a letter about how he's doing, but that is NOT the same as seeing him and holding him, I don't care who you are, that just doesn't compare.

I couldn't leave the hospital for another day or two since I had gestational diabetes and a c-section. So the night he left was worse than the night he was born. I think because I knew he was no longer in the same place, that he was no longer just down the hall in another room in the hospital. I don't remember the rest of the time I was in the hospital, or leaving. I think I blocked the time out. Every day after that for about a week or two was just a blur. The next day I really remember is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I know I cried myself to sleep a lot the first month or so, but I really remember Christmas and how I pleaded with God to somehow let me have my son. My heart and arms felt empty. I felt empty.

Around January of 2009 I wasn't doing well, emotionally, mentally. I tried to go back to work, but the next day I was admitted into the local mental facility. I spent almost 2 weeks there, we changed my medicines, and I attended all the groups and classes they offered. I learned how to deal with my grief and how to cope. As much as I hated going, and as much as I did not want to go, I'm so thankful that I went. By Feb. 2009 I was doing the out patient program, so I could work, and I was no longer working with the children at the after care program. I knew that I just wasn't going to get better if I worked with children, they reminded me of what I would miss out on. I started working with my dad, filling in for his bosses daughter, and I was suppose to go full time after his daughter got back.

A few months after his birth he got acid reflux really bad. The doctors thought it was just that. But his parents kept pushing. The mom's mom was getting sick, and they moved up the date they were moving so they could go be with her, and help with her. As soon as they moved they got him into see a new doctor, and she quickly put him in the hospital for some tests, I think they changed doctors another time, and finally found out what was wrong with him. The doctor said that this was something that should have been found earlier, and that he had not seen a case this bad in a very long time. What had happened is that his stomach wasn't emptying fast enough, and because of this, a piece of skin grew over the opening. They did a procedure and fixed the problem, and he was good as new! About a month after the surgery the doctor who performed it was in a fatal car accident. I'm not sure if I wrote about how God worked in the adoption in part 1, but this was just another way of seeing just how much God was working in this situation. Even though her mom passed away shortly after they moved there, God moved them there just in time to find out the real problem with him and someone who could fix the problem. Just one more sign that God was ALL over the adoption! (And if I haven't written about that before, let me know and I will write about it...)

While all that was going on with him, I started dating a guy I met through a friend I met in the mental facility, which was a really bad idea, he was really no good for me, and it didn't last long, thankfully. A few weeks later I met another guy online. When I was pregnant a friend of mine told me about okcupid.com, a free dating site, which I joined for fun, there were a lot of quizzes you could take, and a blog you could write on. I had met a few guys there, and dated one or two, but this guy I met late Feb. 2009 was different. Neither one of us was looking for a serious relationship, I was still dealing with my feelings, and trying to find out what I wanted to do. And he was about to graduate from college, commission into the Army and move to Hawaii. We met for the first time the last weekend of March, and what was suppose to be just a day or two turned into the whole weekend. We hit it off right away. And by the time he left, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He spent tons of gas money coming to Chattanooga to see me, and I would drive to him. In May he graduated from college, and commissioned, and shortly after that he went to Fort Benning, GA for training. We were use to not seeing each other every day, but we spent every weekend in his home town, because he wasn't able to come farther. Then he went off to Oklahoma for the rest of his training. I went for a week while he was there, but that turned into a month, and then ended up having to go back. In August we got engaged, and had set the date for Nov. 14, 2009, but due to his not having enough leave, we had to move it up 2 weeks, which was Oct. 31. We drove home from Oklahoma just in time for our wedding (Oct 29), and went to Atlanta for our honeymoon for a few days, and drove to Chattanooga to pack ALL my things and move them to his grandparent's house for pack out. He left for Hawaii Nov. 7, and I had to wait to come until I was on his orders. I left for Hawaii on Dec. 5, just 5 days before my son's 1st birthday. And now we are getting ready for our first deployment. My husband will be gone 12 months, but since we've been in Hawaii he's been gone twice now, and will leave again for another month soon, and every time I've been fine. I know I will be just fine once he leaves for good. I'm so glad to know that I will be okay, it's such a good feeling. The training that has taken him away for a month twice, and almost a third time, isn't just training for the soldiers, but for the wives/husbands as well.

I've gotten 3 updates since moving to Hawaii, 1 of which my dad had to send me because they sent it to his house before they got my new address. I've been here for 2 birthdays now, 2 Christmases, 1 Mother's Day. I'm so thankful that I found my husband when I did. He's been great. He's completely understanding of my feelings, and is just all around supportive. Sure there are times he doesn't understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling that way, but we've been so open with one another, that he'll just give me space, and I give him space. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but not every relationship is roses and candy canes. We've had our ups and downs.

I struggle with the adoption, just in different ways. It's always on my mind, but it isn't something that stops me from doing day to day things. And I'm no longer really really sad about the whole thing. There are times when I wish for more contact, and when I wish I could hold him and hug him and love on him. But the letters and pictures I get, even though they're so far apart from each other, help me to see just how good he's doing, and how happy he is.

And that is my adoption story up to this point....

Birth Mother's Christmas Poem

This time of year can be so hard on us birth moms. Especially those who haven't seen their children in person since they were born. My heart aches to be with him on special days, but knowing that he's happy and healthy and has a wonderful and loving home to grow up in eases that pain a little.

I remember 3 Christmases ago like it was yesterday, sure my son is only 2, but this is his 3rd Christmas after all. I bawled my eyes out as I laid in bed. I don't know if my dad or brother knew, if they did they just left me alone and let me grieve. I remember laying there, feeling empty, and alone. My heart breaking. I truly knew what Mary felt when Jesus died on the cross. Can you imagine what it would have been like for her if she had known he was to die? And in a way, that's how it was for me at the beginning of my pregnancy, not knowing that my child wouldn't be mine. And the first few weeks, he was going to be mine. Somehow though, I knew he wasn't meant to be with me. And I imagine that Mary felt the same peace when she found out the fate of Jesus. Knowing it was for the best, and knowing that good things were to come from it. And that is exactly what happened to me. My son saved me. It might sound silly, or far fetched, but I truly believe in my heart that if I had kept him things would have been so different, and gone so much worse for us. I'm so thankful to be the wife of an amazing man, and spending our 2nd Christmas, in a row at that, together. Which is so rare in military families.

Anyways, I'll leave you with this, and please keep my family in your prayers, it's the first Christmas without my grandmother. Also pray for those overseas away from their families fighting for our wonderful country, and for those birth moms suffering, and the potential adoptive parents who are waiting for their children.

*I got this from Stefanie over at Becoming Stefanie Despain, a fellow birth mother*

A Birthmother's Christmas

by Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Today

*Disclaimer: This is MY blog, and these are MY thoughts, I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel bad or in no way want things to get back to the adoptive family. MY thoughts don't mean I'm not happy with them or that I hate them or don't love them, they are just MY feelings. And I think that I'm entitled to my feelings and should be able to write about them whenever and however I want to, and shouldn't have to feel as if I need to edit myself, so be warned, lol*

You know, yesterday was a pretty good day, seeing as it was my son's 2nd birthday, but today, well, that's a different story because today marks 2 years since I last held him and saw him in person, and well, I miss him. I didn't think I would be so shut out of his life, I never thought I'd be the birthmom who only gets letters and pictures every so often. See, I knew the family before I got pregnant, and I didn't think it was necessary to make a iron clad openness agreement. There was talk about a calendar of his milestones that she'd send me, and an official letter and pictures once a year, but I never thought they'd shut me out as much as they ended up doing in the end. I wish I had the knowledge then to make these things, and I hate that it is too late. I did email the attorney about a month after the birth to plea for more updates, and I asked for every 6 months, and they came up with every 3 months until he's 1 and then every 6 months til he's 4, and then yearly.

I know I'm lucky to even get updates, but it just stinks when you were thinking you'd have more than that. And it stinks when you feel as if you were just an incubator for this family, and they were saying things and doing things just so you'd give them your child. And since I'm being real here, that is how I felt a few months after the birth and adoption. I felt betrayed, I felt let down, I felt as if they used me. And that is a horrible feeling to feel when you're speaking of friends, and my son's parents. But it was how I felt at the time, and how I sometimes feel from time to time. Please don't tell me it's the Devil, because I think my thoughts are completely justified, and that would just piss me off. Please don't try to make me feel better, I'm not looking for that, nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just simply putting it out there.

Everyone asks if I could go back what would I do differently, and well, I don't think that answering that question would necessarily mean I regret anything, but just that if I had known what I know now then there would be some things I'd do differently. For instance, I would have asked for time alone with my son. And that I'd be able to spend more time with him. I got to see him twice after he was born, and hold him twice, but if I could have held him longer, or spent more time with him, I think it would have been just that much more of a memory. But instead, there were 4 people visiting me, the adoptive mom and a nurse, and the nurse was very pushy about how he needed to go get tests, that could have waited a few more minutes. I did get to see him again that day, but it was as they were leaving the hospital, so it was rushed as well. Another thing I'd do differently is the openness agreement, I would have made sure I knew exactly what to expect from them after the birth, and in regards to our friendship on facebook and what not. Instead I just assumed things, and that ended up hurting me in the end. I kind of understand what they meant, but it was as if they weren't thinking about my feelings, but only theirs, and that sucked. They were so interested in how things were going before he was born, and how I was doing before he was born, it was almost as if they just didn't really care any more.

I'm quite lucky, I know. And I cherish the updates I get, and look forward to them. I love the adoptive family so much, and I'm so grateful to them for giving my son a life I just was not able to at the time, and they will always have a special place in my heart, as they tell me I will in theirs. It just is really hard sometimes. And I think that I just needed to write these feelings down and get them out there, so they're no longer lingering inside me. And it does feel a little better. It just will always hurt, and the day it stops hurting is the day I will want to curl up in a ball and die. I know that will never happen, and no matter what happens in my life I will always love my son, even when my husband and I start having our own children. And I know that even when I don't think about him, I still love him and won't ever forget him. But right now, he's almost always on the forefront of my mind, and the hole in my heart that longs for him is quite large, and nothing seems to cure that. I know time will, and time has helped, just not as much as I'd hope it would have.