This time of year can be so hard on us birth moms. Especially those who haven't seen their children in person since they were born. My heart aches to be with him on special days, but knowing that he's happy and healthy and has a wonderful and loving home to grow up in eases that pain a little.
I remember 3 Christmases ago like it was yesterday, sure my son is only 2, but this is his 3rd Christmas after all. I bawled my eyes out as I laid in bed. I don't know if my dad or brother knew, if they did they just left me alone and let me grieve. I remember laying there, feeling empty, and alone. My heart breaking. I truly knew what Mary felt when Jesus died on the cross. Can you imagine what it would have been like for her if she had known he was to die? And in a way, that's how it was for me at the beginning of my pregnancy, not knowing that my child wouldn't be mine. And the first few weeks, he was going to be mine. Somehow though, I knew he wasn't meant to be with me. And I imagine that Mary felt the same peace when she found out the fate of Jesus. Knowing it was for the best, and knowing that good things were to come from it. And that is exactly what happened to me. My son saved me. It might sound silly, or far fetched, but I truly believe in my heart that if I had kept him things would have been so different, and gone so much worse for us. I'm so thankful to be the wife of an amazing man, and spending our 2nd Christmas, in a row at that, together. Which is so rare in military families.
Anyways, I'll leave you with this, and please keep my family in your prayers, it's the first Christmas without my grandmother. Also pray for those overseas away from their families fighting for our wonderful country, and for those birth moms suffering, and the potential adoptive parents who are waiting for their children.
*I got this from Stefanie over at Becoming Stefanie Despain, a fellow birth mother*
A Birthmother's Christmas
by Shonna K.
It was the night before Christmas
and all through the world
Birthmothers were praying
for their precious boys and girls.
One certain Birthmother
Was trying not to mourn
For this Christmas was the first
Since her baby had been born
Knowing her decision
Was one for the best
She lights a candle in memory
Then sits down to rest.
The wick of the candle
flickers with light
The wind outside is howling
She finds little comfort on this lonely night
For this is the first of many
She will feel this great loss
For her child reaps the benefit,
She simply pays the cost
She takes out an album
And gently dusts off the cover
It is all she has left
To feel like a mother.
She treasures each photo
of her little one
They are her only ties
To her precious son.
Silently a tear
Slips down her cheek
She wipes it away quickly
So she doesn't appear weak.
Christmas will never
be the same again
She will always be thinking
of her little man.
She knows through her pain
For him this was right
But her unselfless deed
Gives little comfort that night.
Her arms are still empty
Her heart is still breaking
He is with somebody else
And she is left aching.
Her heart sits on each page
Of that dusty book
In his eyes, his little face
The way that he looks.
The clock strikes midnight
It is officially Christmas morn
The first that he's had
Since the day he was born
She can't hide her pain
She can't hide her tears
This is the first of many
Long, painful years
But the light that she sees
At the end of all this
Is the smile on his face
He is truly blessed
With that thought
She slowly readies for bed
To sleep all night
Dreams of him in her head
She slowly lays down
And heads off to sleep
Knowing his memory
She will always keep.
