I left off with the good-bye, which was Dec. 11 2008, a day after he was born. I have not seen or held him since Dec. 11 2008. I get pictures and a letter about how he's doing, but that is NOT the same as seeing him and holding him, I don't care who you are, that just doesn't compare.
I couldn't leave the hospital for another day or two since I had gestational diabetes and a c-section. So the night he left was worse than the night he was born. I think because I knew he was no longer in the same place, that he was no longer just down the hall in another room in the hospital. I don't remember the rest of the time I was in the hospital, or leaving. I think I blocked the time out. Every day after that for about a week or two was just a blur. The next day I really remember is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I know I cried myself to sleep a lot the first month or so, but I really remember Christmas and how I pleaded with God to somehow let me have my son. My heart and arms felt empty. I felt empty.
Around January of 2009 I wasn't doing well, emotionally, mentally. I tried to go back to work, but the next day I was admitted into the local mental facility. I spent almost 2 weeks there, we changed my medicines, and I attended all the groups and classes they offered. I learned how to deal with my grief and how to cope. As much as I hated going, and as much as I did not want to go, I'm so thankful that I went. By Feb. 2009 I was doing the out patient program, so I could work, and I was no longer working with the children at the after care program. I knew that I just wasn't going to get better if I worked with children, they reminded me of what I would miss out on. I started working with my dad, filling in for his bosses daughter, and I was suppose to go full time after his daughter got back.
A few months after his birth he got acid reflux really bad. The doctors thought it was just that. But his parents kept pushing. The mom's mom was getting sick, and they moved up the date they were moving so they could go be with her, and help with her. As soon as they moved they got him into see a new doctor, and she quickly put him in the hospital for some tests, I think they changed doctors another time, and finally found out what was wrong with him. The doctor said that this was something that should have been found earlier, and that he had not seen a case this bad in a very long time. What had happened is that his stomach wasn't emptying fast enough, and because of this, a piece of skin grew over the opening. They did a procedure and fixed the problem, and he was good as new! About a month after the surgery the doctor who performed it was in a fatal car accident. I'm not sure if I wrote about how God worked in the adoption in part 1, but this was just another way of seeing just how much God was working in this situation. Even though her mom passed away shortly after they moved there, God moved them there just in time to find out the real problem with him and someone who could fix the problem. Just one more sign that God was ALL over the adoption! (And if I haven't written about that before, let me know and I will write about it...)
While all that was going on with him, I started dating a guy I met through a friend I met in the mental facility, which was a really bad idea, he was really no good for me, and it didn't last long, thankfully. A few weeks later I met another guy online. When I was pregnant a friend of mine told me about okcupid.com, a free dating site, which I joined for fun, there were a lot of quizzes you could take, and a blog you could write on. I had met a few guys there, and dated one or two, but this guy I met late Feb. 2009 was different. Neither one of us was looking for a serious relationship, I was still dealing with my feelings, and trying to find out what I wanted to do. And he was about to graduate from college, commission into the Army and move to Hawaii. We met for the first time the last weekend of March, and what was suppose to be just a day or two turned into the whole weekend. We hit it off right away. And by the time he left, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He spent tons of gas money coming to Chattanooga to see me, and I would drive to him. In May he graduated from college, and commissioned, and shortly after that he went to Fort Benning, GA for training. We were use to not seeing each other every day, but we spent every weekend in his home town, because he wasn't able to come farther. Then he went off to Oklahoma for the rest of his training. I went for a week while he was there, but that turned into a month, and then ended up having to go back. In August we got engaged, and had set the date for Nov. 14, 2009, but due to his not having enough leave, we had to move it up 2 weeks, which was Oct. 31. We drove home from Oklahoma just in time for our wedding (Oct 29), and went to Atlanta for our honeymoon for a few days, and drove to Chattanooga to pack ALL my things and move them to his grandparent's house for pack out. He left for Hawaii Nov. 7, and I had to wait to come until I was on his orders. I left for Hawaii on Dec. 5, just 5 days before my son's 1st birthday. And now we are getting ready for our first deployment. My husband will be gone 12 months, but since we've been in Hawaii he's been gone twice now, and will leave again for another month soon, and every time I've been fine. I know I will be just fine once he leaves for good. I'm so glad to know that I will be okay, it's such a good feeling. The training that has taken him away for a month twice, and almost a third time, isn't just training for the soldiers, but for the wives/husbands as well.
I've gotten 3 updates since moving to Hawaii, 1 of which my dad had to send me because they sent it to his house before they got my new address. I've been here for 2 birthdays now, 2 Christmases, 1 Mother's Day. I'm so thankful that I found my husband when I did. He's been great. He's completely understanding of my feelings, and is just all around supportive. Sure there are times he doesn't understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling that way, but we've been so open with one another, that he'll just give me space, and I give him space. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but not every relationship is roses and candy canes. We've had our ups and downs.
I struggle with the adoption, just in different ways. It's always on my mind, but it isn't something that stops me from doing day to day things. And I'm no longer really really sad about the whole thing. There are times when I wish for more contact, and when I wish I could hold him and hug him and love on him. But the letters and pictures I get, even though they're so far apart from each other, help me to see just how good he's doing, and how happy he is.
And that is my adoption story up to this point....
