A friend posted about the difference between “Love” and “In Love,” and her definition of “Love” really hit home for me, and I’m sure it will hit home for everyone. But it really hit home in defining my decision to place.
Here is what she said: “Ok, so love is active: we do it. I feel love is an attitude that chooses what is best for another person, rather than what is easiest or most pleasurable for us. Love is sacrifice. Love is a choice. Loving someone (truly loving a person) usually lasts a lifetime. You grow to love someone for who they are and accept them for that.”
The phrase that came out of my mouth over and over when explaining my reasoning, and even now, 3 years later, as I tell my story, is that I wanted to do what was best for my son. It wasn’t until I had made the decision and was okay with the decision that I started to think of myself, and realize that even though it’s natural for a woman, a mother more specifically, to want to raise their children, I knew that this adoption was best for me too. As much as I wanted to raise him, I knew that it was not the best thing for me either.
And if you think placing him was easy, think again, placing him wasn’t easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t pleasurable either, it was actually quite the opposite. Like I said, it’s not natural for a mother to not parent. It isn’t natural for a mother to leave the hospital empty handed.
No matter how much I tried to NOT attach myself to him, it happened. And when I realized that it had happened, it hit me super hard.
When people say that they couldn’t believe they could love someone they’d never met so much, they’re not lying. And I couldn’t believe how much I loved him, even when I tried so hard to NOT attach myself. It’s inevitable.