Birth Mother’s Day

So Saturday was Birth Mother's Day. I think I've written about it before. It's a day to remember the ones who selflessly gave a child up for adoption. I've never really actively celebrated. I usually just get a simple Happy Mother's Day on Mother's Day. But this year, I tried to go out of my way to make it special for a few of the Birth Mother's in my life.

I have never been acknowledged by the adoptive family for mother’s day. It kind of bummed me out, and it still does, I just try not to let it affect my mood. This year was no different. I got NOTHING from them for Mother’s Day. She was already a mother when they adopted the baby, but she was a mother again because of me. And I feel like they just don’t appreciate it. I am sure these feelings are normal, and are probably for nothing, but still, I have them. And I’ve never been one to push aside my feelings, or not voice them. At least on my blog, I would never tell them how I really felt because I don’t want to jeopardize the updates I am suppose to get every 6 months. Which, if my math is correct is this month. I always get so anxious waiting for them. And I’ve also gotten worried in the past that they won’t come. I’m trying really hard not to do it this time. And I think I’ve said it before, but I just hate being the person who worries and complains about things that are out of my control. It just sucks because we had such an open dialogue before the baby was born, and I honestly didn’t think it would change after, but it changed big time. They decided to unfriend me around Mother’s day after he was born. Talk about a low blow. It hurt me so much. I knew it was coming. I had a message from them a few months before telling me they were going to do it. I just didn’t think they’d wait so long, or do it around Mother’s Day. I know their reasoning behind it, and I completely understand. I just think it was wrong and rude. And because we were friends, and had such an open dialogue during the pregnancy I thought it would stay the same, so I didn’t put much in the openness agreement. In fact, I don’t really think we have one.

Anyways, this was suppose to be about Birth Mother’s Day and the controversy, I guess that can be for another day.

An open letter to my 1st son - Mother's Day Mania

Better late than never, sorry this wasn't written yesterday, but life got in the way, in a good way! So, Mama M. left the linky open for me, which I am SO grateful to her for. Thank you so much Mama M! You're truly an amazing person!

Happy Mother's Day!

It's the last day of the Mother's Day Mania! And of course Mama M. over at My Little Life has to get all emotional and such on Mother's Day. This one is going to be especially emotional for me because well, you'll see...Here's the topic: let's write a letter to our firstborn...the one's that made us "mama's" for the first time!

Enjoy your day!

Dear J,

Yesterday was Mother's Day, my 2nd one since you were born. It was much better than last year. Still hard, but better. Today however, you are 17 months old, and I find myself thinking of you every minute of the day today so far. My heart longs to hold you, and kiss you and love on you. I know that is not an option, and I am so grateful for your parents who give you all the love and protection you deserve.

The day you were born was the best and worse day of my life. I never imagined how hard it would be to leave a hospital without your child. But it was even harder to stay in the hospital without my child, knowing that you were not down the hall from me was so hard.

I know you are doing well with your new family, and I have no doubt  that I did what was best for you. But that doesn't change the way it hurt. I never imagined the pain.

No matter what anyone tells you, just because I did not plan to get pregnant, and just because I made some bad decisions that led me to having you, I DO NOT REGRET YOU! I hope one day to give you a journal from your first year, so you can understand the true feelings I felt, and the exact circumstances to your conception. I think it's important you know exactly where you came from. I would rather you hear it from me, and nobody else.

I hope one day that we can talk, and you can understand how much I truly loved you! And how much I wanted so much more for you than I could give you at the time. I am so grateful to your parents for stepping in and taking you into their lives and hearts as one of their own. I am so blessed to know that they will love you and take care of you, and I am so blessed to know that you will have a wonderful older brother to look up to and be friends with, and to help you along the way. You are truly loved by so many people, not all children can say that they have 2 sets of families that love them. But just know that your biological family loves you more than you will ever know. It is true that some of them don't know about you, but I can totally tell you that the ones who do love you so much, and if they don't now, then they will once they realize what a great person you will become, and when they can truly understand why I did what I did. The ones who don't know about you only don't know for protection. Not because I was ashamed, but because I didn't want to hurt them more than I had hurt them already. I couldn't bare to put them through this, I had no idea how much this would hurt, but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But just know that it was the best thing to do.

Please remember that I love you and only wanted what was best for YOU. I never once thought that I'd be able to do the things I've done by putting you up for adoption, YOU were the only one I thought of in making my adoption plan, and you are still the only one I think about when I think about my decision.

Yes, I truly feel I wouldn't be where I am today had I raised you myself, but that doesn't mean I regret having you or giving you to your family. It just means that this is the path that I was able to take, and that it is how I feel. I'm a strong believer in not regretting things, because even if they weren't the best of circumstances, it made me who I am, and your decisions will make you who you are. Don't let your past get in the way of your future. And don't you ever regret anything, because you need to learn from your mistakes, and move forward, and look back on those things, and know that they made you the man you are going to be. I wouldn't be the woman I am if it hadn't been for things I did in my past.

You don't know about this question now, but I'm sure you'll hear it a lot as you get older, it's "if you could go back in time and change anything, would you?" Well, the answer should be NO, if you take one thing I teach or tell you, this should be it. Your past molds you, and makes you the person you are meant to be. God never puts more on you than you can handle, and God never makes you walk alone. God wouldn't let you go through heartache for nothing, and He will always give you your hearts desire. It might not be on your timing, but it will happen. Please know that I love you, pray for you often, think about you daily and wouldn't change a thing about what led me to you.

Love, Your Birth Mother

This is was so hard to write, but once I started it just flowed. It's not meant to make sense to anyone but me, and it's not for anyone but me and my son, but it helped to write it down so much, and I just want to thank Mama M. again for allowing me time to get this done, and link up. I am so thankful for all the great ladies I've met in the blog world, and I am daily humbled by the comments that I get. If I can help ONE person who finds themselves in my shoes, then I've done what I've set out to do. And if I help more, than that's great too! This blog started out as something for me, but I'm trying to turn it into so much more now.

My Birth Story

I figured I'd participate in today's topic of Mother's Day Mania, because, well, I have a birth story. And it isn't amazing or wonderful or amazing, but it's unique, or well, not so much in the open adoption world, but it's mine, and it's great! Go see Mama M over at My Little Life to link up and see the other days of Mother's Day Mania!!

Let's start with the fact that my due date was Dec. 11, 2008, and that I had gestastional diabetes. About 2/3 through my pregnancy I switched doctors, I did not like my first doctor, he offered to adopt my son, and that was creepy. Plus he wasn't taking some of my concerns seriously and what have you. Besides, I had heard GREAT things about this midwife, and I was set on NOT doing a c-section, but that's for later, ha!

Because I had GD the midwife did not want me to go past my due date. So, with that being the case, I called the family and said, ok, well, I've had no change, but we're going to have a baby on or before Dec. 11 regardless, so you might as well come on up. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, Dec. 8, and I thought it would be nice for the adoptive mom to come with me. But I freaked out at the last minute and called a friend FREAKING OUT asking her to meet me there. God love her, she had her WHOLE family packed in the car, and took time out to come with me, she was late, but she was there. I still look back and think about how blessed I really was, I just didn't see it then, and I took things for granted, and I hate that, but it was a bad time in my life. So, anyways, by the time I got to the doctor's office I was ok, not as freaked, and ready to get some news about when the baby would come. The midwife talked with us for a while, and then did a pelvic exam, and decided that I was too small to birth a child of what she thought was a 8 1/2 lbs baby. But to make sure she wasn't wrong, she took us over to the ultra sound room, and we got to see the little guy one more time in my belly, it was very special for the adoptive mom because she had never been around to see an ultra sound, but she had all the pictures. The midwife even gave us some 3D pics, all for free, I loved it! Anways, my midwife said while in the ultra sound room, lets give it another week. You should have seen the faces on the 3 of us in that room. My eyes bugged outta my head so far I think I might have knocked her down. I was like, WOAH WOAH WOAH...you said you didn't want me to go past my due date, AND the adoptive family is already in town, and they can't just come and go as they please. So she was like, OK lets do a c-section this week. So, since my due date was Thursday, Dec. 11, I thought it would be super neat to try and have him on Dec. 10, since my birthday is July 10, and my brother's is January 10, I just thought it was fitting. All worked out and I was able to go in on Dec. 10!

So, I'm chilling at home, waiting for Wednesday, and my old doctor's nurse called to see how I was doing, because I just left, with no reason, no explanation, and so I told her I felt more comfortable with a female, and that I wanted a midwife, but that it seems silly since I'm having a c-section, so my mid wife won't be able to delievery him. So she wished me luck, and then 5 min later called me back, saying that the original doctor wanted to do my c-section. I declined polietly with the excuse that we already had every thing set up. Besides, I was afraid he would try to get my child from me, and not give it to the adoptive family, and I was not going to have that.

So, I went to the hospital for a tour, and to talk to them about the situation, and what was happening. The adoptive mom wanted to be in the room, but I didn't think it was possible, but I asked, and of course they said yes, so I told her they said yes, but that I was going to have to think about it, and let her know the morning of, because I wasn't sure I'd want her there. And the hospital set up the other OR in case I couldn't handle the baby in the same room with me, they had 2 stations set up, and were ready to do what I wanted. It was great, they were wonderful, and I don't think I could have been luckier. So the morning of the delievery, I had a few people there with me, and they waited through the c-section, and were there for me. It was awesome. I allowed the adoptive mom to witness the birth, and I even kissed him and saw him right after he was born, which I was not planning on doing, but I wouldn't change that. I have pictures of me and him, and him and my dad, who I wanted in the room with me, and of me and the adoptive mom and baby, and of adoptive mom and baby. We got lots of them.

After they wisked him away with adoptive mom, they set to work getting me all clean and ready for recovery. I didn't see my son again until the next day. If I had known then what I know now I would have wanted to spend WAY more time with him. I would have asked for alone time with him, but that wasn't what happened. And I had a room full of people when I saw him for the first time after his birth. And he didn't get to spend much time with me, I was so sad. But later that day, I went to his room and spent a few more minutes with him. I cried like a baby when I left him that time. The first night I slept alright, I asked for something to help me sleep, but I think it was an ok night because I knew he was just down the hall. The next night was horrible. Because he got to leave the hopsital, but I had to stay. And then there was the whole leaving the hospital without my son. It was so hard. The next weeks and months were so hard on me, and I got very depressed, but that is for another time. This is suppose to be about his birth. And so that is how my son entered the world.

He weighed 7lbs 9 oz., was 20 3/4 in long and was born at 10:02am

He weighed a lot less than what they thought he would, but that's ok, I wouldn't have changed anything about how he got here. And he actually only weighed 1 oz less than I did when I was born. I remember how much I weighed because it was the same as my birthday, 7/10, ha!

Mother's Day Thoughts

Last Mother's Day was pretty good, except for the fact that my adoptive family didn't send me a card or anything for Mother's Day. (Which I wasn't expecting, just thought it might be nice, you know) My family and friends made it quite enjoyable though, so that was good. I think people didn't know how to act, so I'll let ya know, just simply tell me Happy Mother's Day, and leave it at that. The thought counts, those 3 words, with maybe I love you, or something like that will do wonders! Again, another post for another time, ha!


Turns out AM's mother was getting sicker, and it turns out they were going through their own things. I was just too upset to see it, until now. I didn't even send AM a Mother's Day card.

Well, this year, since AM's mother passed last year(and as soon as I found out about it I sent a card expressing my sympathy and love), I thought it might be nice to send her a quick note, just saying Happy Mother's Day, thinking about you often, hope all is well, look forward to hearing from you and getting my update. Nothing too overbearing or rude, I wasn't trying to step on toes, or make them uncomfortable. I am getting anxious about my next update, I should get it in a couple months, and I am almost positive they will send it, but I just wanted to send a note, you know. It was so short, it said Hi, hope all is well, thank you, love you, give my love to the boys, and happy mother's day, looking forward to my next update. I think I might have put a sentence about doing well in Hawaii and enjoying married life. I'd hope they don't take it the wrong way, or think it's too intrusive. I really don't want to ruin my chances of getting that next update. I wasn't even implying I wanted it right now, just that I was looking forward to it, and enjoy them, ha...so we'll see, I am not expecting a card or anything in return, just thought it would be nice for me, as part of my healing. (which is another post on its own, ha)

I just figured since I'm in a better place, I would start sending a card for Mother's Day, and I will more than likely send a Father's Day card. I really wish I had done it last year because the AD will have gone above and beyond in almost 2 years what the Biofather couldn't have even managed in our son's life time, let alone a few short years. The AD is just an amazing guy, loves God, his wife and his boys, in that order (which is how it should be, btw). I don't know what his plans are now, but when we were talking about adoption he was wanting to become a Chaplin in one of the Armed Forces (I can't remember) and he wanted to get a degree from Seminary, and they both wanted to have the AM be able to stay home with the boys. Which is great! Anyways, this is about Mother's Day, not Father's Day, ha! But I think I did a pretty good job picking a family for my son. Sometimes I think that maybe my son wasn't ever meant to be mine, but the adoptive family's son. Like God used me as a surrogate. But I know that he is my son, he's my flesh and blood, I just think God gave him to me, so I could give him to the adoptive family. It helps me to move forward, and helps me to realize I did what was best.

It's late here now, and I'm going to go to bed, LT has been asleep for a few hours now, he has to get up at 3am, so he went to bed early. Thanks for letting me vent, ha!

Mother's Day Question Answered

Ronnie and Suzi @ New Languages, New Loves asked the following question, so I thought since Mother's Day is right around the corner I would touch on this subject!

Great post again. As we approach Mother's day, I often wonder what is the best way to acknowledge this day with our son's birth mom. If you are comfortable, I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

That is a GREAT question. It is a tough subject, and a very touchy subject. The thing about Birth Mother's is not every Birth Mother is the same. Some take things very hard, other's not so much. I know my parents and friends and family had no idea what to do for me on that day.

The one when I was pregnant my father bought me a teddy bear that was bare foot and had an ice cream cone w/ a pickle on top and her shirt said "bear foot and pregnant" it was super cute. He took his girlfriend and me to dinner (which I then threw up after ward since I had hyperemesis). The next Mother's Day he got me a gift card to Bath & Body Works and took us to lunch again, that I did not throw up after ward! My brother even wished me a happy Mother's Day.

From a stand point of my family and friends, I had a GREAT Mother's Day, but my adoptive family did not acknowledge me AT ALL. They even ended our Facebook friendship around that time, when they told me in Jan. they were going to end it then. So I got very upset about how that went down. We never talked about how holidays were going to go, or if we would even acknowledge them. I just figured they would want to pay some respect to me since if it weren't for me they wouldn't have him. We didn't even talk about our Facebook friendships when talking about how much contact. I just assumed they would continue to be my friends like they were before I had him. We talked daily, she would message me on Facebook daily asking me questions, and what have you. I felt like they used me as an incubator, and all they wanted was my child, and they could care less about me. That was a very low place for me, because I hated feeling that way, and I would like to believe I was wrong in thinking that. But I got over it. I moved on, and since they didn't do anything for me last year, I am not expecting anything this year.

Side note: I should be getting an update in June, seeing as he'll be 1 1/2, and I'm suppose to get an update every 6 months now.

Anyways, there is something you might be interested in....Not many people know about it, because it isn't a holiday that is recognized by a lot of people, but it's called Birth Mother's Day. Here is an article about it and when it is, and what it is. It doesn't really make sense to me when Birth Mother's Day is, because it says it is the Saturday before Mother's Day, so I don't know if they mean the week before, or the day before. I think it is the day before Mother's Day, because I found this list of Holidays(and it had a date by the holidays), you should take a look, there are some bizarre things going on in May. (Here is a link about Mother's Day)

Birth Mother's Day is just another way you can THANK your birth mother for the gift she gave you. She should be honored, and you should tell her often how grateful you are for what she's done.

Mother's Day

So Mother's Day is in a week. I'm not looking forward to it for many reasons. One being my son is no longer with me, but another because my boyfriend leaves for Benning that day. And we just found out that we might not get to spend weekends together like we thought. Another reason is because it just happens to be his 5 month birthday too. I've tried to not let it bother me, and get me down, but there is just this overwhelming feeling of regret and sadness. I'm sitting at the boyfriends house alone, as he is out getting our tent and other stuff from the campsite. He let me stay behind, I kind of wish I had gone ahead with the others to go swimming, as now I'm just sitting and not doing anything. I guess I could shower and clean up from camping, but I'm feeling really lazy, or maybe it's just hung over.

The boyfriend's cousin has a nephew who is just a few months old. He is the most precious baby I've seen in a while, besides mine of course! Well the other night at the Mexican restaurant I held him. Steven was so proud of me for being able to hold him and not get upset. He was very surprised I wanted to hold him at all. But he was just to cute and snugly to pass up! Hahaha - he fell asleep on me and it was the best feeling in the whole world. For a moment it was almost as if I was holding my lil man again.

I also went and hung out with Lauren and her son, who is just a month younger than my lil man. It was the first time I saw him. He is precious too. I didn't know if I could handle it and afterwards I was kind of bummed out, but I think it went really well. I'm making progress I think.

I'm just not looking forward to Mother's Day....so much is happening on that day and I'm so sad about it all.