I’m pissed, but still glad and some health updates

Things are going good. On the medicine front. Don’t seem to be having an adverse reactions, at least I don’t think so…I did cry last night, but that was due to the reasons I’m pissed…

On the kidney stone front, I have 4 total, 3 in the left – 1 in the right. The one that was causing the most problems was 5mm, the 2 others in my left are about 3 or 4mm, and I think I’m actually passing them too. Not too much pain, but I still don’t think I’ve passed it…or them…I did see the urologist last week. And then on Saturday I ended up going to ACC again…my pain went from 0 to 8 in a matter of minutes. They gave me meds, and sent me on my way. The urologist gave me something to help with my enlarged prostate…it’s a joke people, it’s FloMax, and it’s to help relax your bladder muscles. He wants to see me in 2 weeks if I haven’t passed the stone. I guess I’ll go back in 2 weeks if I haven’t, because I have no idea when I pass them…I should probably call them anyways, I was suppose to call them after my visit with the ACC on Saturday anyways…other than the occasional pain in my left side, I’m good with this. I just wish I didn’t have such retarded kidney’s and urinary tract…which, come to find out, I didn’t have a UTI, so the anti-biotic I took, that gave me more problems, was completely unnecessary and gave me the other problem for no real reason…

Now, on to why I’m pissed and glad…

On the ant infested bathroom front, not so much. I’m so ready to rip housing, maintenance and EcoLab a new one about this. But I’m trying to be calm, with them. In public or on FB, screw that, I’m pissed. I’m pissed I can’t use my own shower. I’m pissed I had to move my toothbrush and toothpaste out of the bathroom, no, that comes after this one, I’m pissed I had to buy a new toothbrush and tooth paste because there were 50 of them on my stuff. I’m pissed that I forgot to get a toothbrush and toothpaste at WalMart that I had to buy a 10 pack of tooth brushes and a 4 pack of toothpaste at freaking Costco because I wasn’t about to go back to WalMart, and I needed a toothbrush and toothpaste that NIGHT….I’m pissed that in the last month EcoLab has had to come out THREE times to spray & bait.

But I’m glad that EcoLab is nice, and that they were accomidating, and that they came today, instead of making me wait til tomorrow. I’m glad that the community manager sees this as a major problem and is eager to find an answer and a resolution. I’m glad that as one resolution EcoLab suggested my ferns and other bushes be trimmed, and that the ugly ferns in front of my house are now gone. I’m glad that the outside of my house is looking much better than it did the 1st time EcoLab came. And I’m glad for friends who let me come over and shower. And who also help me do my taxes. And I’m also glad that after tomorrow it will be March, and that just means I’m that much closer to having my hubby home!!!

Randomz

I’ve been off one of my meds for almost a month, doing great. I’ve been on a reduced dose of the other for a couple weeks. Doing good so far.

I’ve been really busy, but I’ve got this stupid kidney stone that just won’t go away. It all started Feb 6, yes, 16 days ago. I’ve not been a lot of pain, but it’s just been uncomfortable. I’ve had my share of stones, and they’ve all been way worse than this. As in I can’t do anything, except get someone to drive me to the ER so I can get some good drugs. But this time, the only reasons I went into the Accute Care Clinic was for the blood I saw, and then that the pain had gotten worse, and I wanted to get a handle on it sooner, rather than get to the point I needed to goto the ER. Because with my husband being gone, my options are limited. But I have been taking meds, even finished the anti-biotic, and I’m still in pain. I don’t think I’ve passed it, but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t been able to catch it. But because I’m still in pain, I think I haven’t. I’m going tomorrow to the Urologist, hopefully to get some answers. I’m hoping I’ve passed it.

I did spend President’s Day weekend at the Hale Koa with a few of my dear dear friends. We had a great time. The weather held out for us, as we thought it was going to be rainy and cold and nasty. But it was nice. Unfortunately for those on other parts of the island, they weren’t so lucky. They should have met us for a pool day =P

Things are going well here though. Just waiting patiently impatiently for the hubs return. February needs to hurry up and go away!!!!!

Preparation

So, I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for 3 years now, I’m not ashamed of that, and most people know that. I started them the day my son was born. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened had I not done that. Seeing as I had post partum, on top of the emotions of the adoption. It took a few tries to get the right combo, and once I got to Hawaii, it took 3 psychiatrists, but we finally got it, just a few months before my husband left for Afghanistan! So, now I’m doing really well, and feeling really great. Sure I have some moments, but I chalk that up to being “normal.”

Well, a few weeks ago I talked with my psychiatrists about getting off my anti-depressants (I’m was on 2) so that when the husband gets home we can start trying for kids. The anti-anxiety med is mostly used at night for RLS, and is okay to take when pregnant. So I’m not worried about that one. So last month I started tapering off one. And this week I talked with my psychiatrist again about the other one. The one I’m still on is a little trickier to tapper off, but we’re going to do it slowly, and with his assistance. We’re going this one in 2 steps, as opposed to 1 like the other one. I’m taking half of a pill for now, and when I go back to see the psychiatrist we will half that dose, and then from there stop it altogether.

We’ve done research, and we know that there isn’t that much out there about the medicines I was/am on doing any damage during pregnancy. But I would feel better if I’m off them. But wouldn’t be angry if I have to be on one of them. Because I’m doing fine without the other. We’ll see how I do off the other one. My psychiatrist said that it I might not feel any different off this one right away, so we’re going to see how I do.

I’m excited to start this new chapter, and I’m excited for my husband to be home. It’s been one hell of a year. So here’s to baby making! Well, let’s get my husband home first! HA!

Oh and I’m done with therapy! I had my last session this week! She said I’m doing so well that we really have no more to do!!!

Love is sacrifice

A friend posted about the difference between “Love” and “In Love,” and her definition of “Love” really hit home for me, and I’m sure it will hit home for everyone. But it really hit home in defining my decision to place.

Here is what she said: “Ok, so love is active: we do it.  I feel love is an attitude that chooses what is best for another person, rather than what is easiest or most pleasurable for us.  Love is sacrifice. Love is a choice.  Loving someone (truly loving a person) usually lasts a lifetime. You grow to love someone for who they are and accept them for that.”

The phrase that came out of my mouth over and over when explaining my reasoning, and even now, 3 years later, as I tell my story, is that I wanted to do what was best for my son. It wasn’t until I had made the decision and was okay with the decision that I started to think of myself, and realize that even though it’s natural for a woman, a mother more specifically, to want to raise their children, I knew that this adoption was best for me too. As much as I wanted to raise him, I knew that it was not the best thing for me either.

And if you think placing him was easy, think again, placing him wasn’t easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t pleasurable either, it was actually quite the opposite. Like I said, it’s not natural for a mother to not parent. It isn’t natural for a mother to leave the hospital empty handed.

No matter how much I tried to NOT attach myself to him, it happened. And when I realized that it had happened, it hit me super hard.

When people say that they couldn’t believe they could love someone they’d never met so much, they’re not lying. And I couldn’t believe how much I loved him, even when I tried so hard to NOT attach myself. It’s inevitable.