The goings on in MY life

I've met someone. I'm really happy about it and at the same time scared to death. After all I've been through in the past year I'm not ready for this. But for some reason my head and heart are telling me otherwise. We've not taken the next step, we're just friends who like one another, but I think I'll be ready sooner than I thought. Who knows. I just hope it doesn't end up like the last few relationships. And I personally don't see that happening.

I am doing outpatient at Valley after spending 8 days in inpatient. The whole adoption has really taken it's toll on me. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm glad I did it, and I know I did the right thing, it just hurts like hell. I know the child is better off, but that doesn't change what I'm feeling or how I feel towards him. It was a little boy - he was 7lbs 9oz and 20 3/4 in long. He looks like his father who doesn't think it's his still - but that is neither here nor there.

I'm doing a lot better, and I really hope it has something to do with the new boy, but that it isn't the only thing making me happy right now. I don't want to have to have him in my life to be happy, and I'm so up and down that it is hard to tell what triggers my moods these days.

I'm thinking about going back to school in the Fall but I need to start saving money NOW...I think I'll go to UTC and finish my teaching degree. I thought about doing the 2+2 program at Chatt State, but idk about it. I'm going to have to really do some research and find out what I want to do and where I want to go.

Please just pray for me, for guidance and knowledge.

Exciting

I got my first update on Friday, what a wonderful Valentine's Day gift!!!! I'll post pictures later, they're not the best since I took pics of the pics, but I'm going to try to make a CD with the originals. But that made my weekend!!! Not to mention the boy!!!

Good Day

So Heather asked if I had seen my son since he left the hospital and the answer is no. I have a semi-open adoption where I'll just get updates and be able to send presents and updates on myself, but no visits. I have mixed feelings about that, but that is for another blog completely. And yes, Heather, journaling has seemed to help a lot.

Today has been so much better than yesterday. I hate to think it is because I've met a guy, but I think it might be. I met a guy. Through a friend. He is pretty great and we have a lot in common. I'll blog about him later, I'm having dinner with my dad tonight and hanging out and even though he's going to be busy doing his taxes, or whatever, I'd rather not be on the computer. And I think dinner might be almost ready.

So today has been a great day. It feels great to say that. I love it! Funny story time: So on my way to outpatient at Valley I spilled coke in my lap. Luckily I was only a minute down the road from my house and only spilled a little. I didn't get upset, pissed off, angry or anything. I was so proud of myself, it did not ruin my morning or my day. So here is how I spilled the coke. I had the can of coke between my legs to open it, after I opened it I came to a stop sign and BAM it tipped back and POW all over my lap - hahaha


I'm so glad today was a good day and I'm so glad I've met this guy. We don't know what we are right now, but we're both ok with that. I'm so comfortable around him and it feels just so natural.

Love ya'll -
Mandi

WOW, 2 months, and a bad day

WOW is all I can really say to all the wonderful comments. They mean a lot and are a great encouragement, especially on a bad day. Thank you Emily, Roni, Heather, Maris, and Coco through Roni!!!!!

Everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong this morning and afternoon, but now I think things are ok. I got lost on the way back to a friend's house this morning, then I had to go to the bank to put a check in there so I could get gas, but the bank wasn't open yet, so I had to wait for my dad to bring me money because I was below empty. Luckily he doesn't work far from where I was and the gas station was just across the street from the bank. THEN I got to work and find out they closed schools early because of "severe weather" - which it is now sunny outside. We had a storm, but it lasted all of 30 minutes. Go figure, but I guess if they had not have closed schools early then the storm would have been much worse, but what gets me is that nobody called me. Nobody said, hey don't worry about driving 20 minutes to get to work just to turn around and drive 20 more minutes. What a waste of gas - ugh....I think all these little things got to me because yesterday was the 2 month birthday of the baby and I had a good day yesterday, so maybe my sub-conscience is trying to get me. The people at the outpatient want me to go back into inpatient, but I don't want to and I think I'll be ok. We'll see, I told them I wouldn't hurt myself, that I'd get help if I needed it and that I wanted to give it a few more days of work before I took such a serious step, again. I don't want to be a "repeat offender" but if I have to then I have to, but I don't think I have to or need too.

So, today 2 months ago I got to spend about an hour with my son and he went home from the hospital without me. It's kind of bittersweet, but more bitter than sweet. I miss him and can remember every moment of the time I had with him like it happened yesterday. I also can remember what I didn't do and what I wanted to do and what I wish I had done. I know those things are stupid to do and think, but I think them anyways. I'm going to run out and get a journal - another one. I'm going to journal to myself as well as the baby. I started the journal to the baby right before Christmas. My therapist and psychiatrist thought it would help. And it does. I've also had people tell me to journal to myself. Which is kind of what this is. Wow this is long, I'm sorry - Thanks again to the wonderful ladies who left me comments on my last one!!!

~Mandi

bad day

I wanna be dead. I wanna just go away. I wanna just go to bed and never wake up again. This hurts sooooooooo bad.

I had been doing so well. I even checked myself into the local psych. hospital. Changed my meds up, got rid of suicidal thoughts, and now they're back. Just know that I wouldn't act out on them, and at this moment I haven't thought about how I would do it, but I have before, and those little thoughts keep coming to the surface. I think it might be because next week the baby will be 2 months old...I can't think of why I'm so upset and sad right now. I've had some real great days lately. I want to be better. I want to the pain to end, but it seems like no matter what I do it doesn't go away or end.

Why I'm Here

My BFF Emily suggested I start a blogspot to write my feelings down in. I just recently placed a son up for adoption. I'm not here to get attention and I'm not here to say I was wronged or I was completely innocent, because Lord knows I'm not. I'm here to share my story with others. In hopes that it will touch someone's life and help them make the right decision for their children, whether it is adoption or raising the child. I want to be someone who others can come to and say, hey I need help. And I want to say to them, hey I'm here for you.

A poem/song

This poem was turned to a song, and it describes what I want for my son.

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.


This poem was based on the writings of a young birth mother, whom she shared with songwriter Michael McClean.

Here is a video with the song on it: