WOW is all I can really say to all the wonderful comments. They mean a lot and are a great encouragement, especially on a bad day. Thank you Emily, Roni, Heather, Maris, and Coco through Roni!!!!!
Everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong this morning and afternoon, but now I think things are ok. I got lost on the way back to a friend's house this morning, then I had to go to the bank to put a check in there so I could get gas, but the bank wasn't open yet, so I had to wait for my dad to bring me money because I was below empty. Luckily he doesn't work far from where I was and the gas station was just across the street from the bank. THEN I got to work and find out they closed schools early because of "severe weather" - which it is now sunny outside. We had a storm, but it lasted all of 30 minutes. Go figure, but I guess if they had not have closed schools early then the storm would have been much worse, but what gets me is that nobody called me. Nobody said, hey don't worry about driving 20 minutes to get to work just to turn around and drive 20 more minutes. What a waste of gas - ugh....I think all these little things got to me because yesterday was the 2 month birthday of the baby and I had a good day yesterday, so maybe my sub-conscience is trying to get me. The people at the outpatient want me to go back into inpatient, but I don't want to and I think I'll be ok. We'll see, I told them I wouldn't hurt myself, that I'd get help if I needed it and that I wanted to give it a few more days of work before I took such a serious step, again. I don't want to be a "repeat offender" but if I have to then I have to, but I don't think I have to or need too.
So, today 2 months ago I got to spend about an hour with my son and he went home from the hospital without me. It's kind of bittersweet, but more bitter than sweet. I miss him and can remember every moment of the time I had with him like it happened yesterday. I also can remember what I didn't do and what I wanted to do and what I wish I had done. I know those things are stupid to do and think, but I think them anyways. I'm going to run out and get a journal - another one. I'm going to journal to myself as well as the baby. I started the journal to the baby right before Christmas. My therapist and psychiatrist thought it would help. And it does. I've also had people tell me to journal to myself. Which is kind of what this is. Wow this is long, I'm sorry - Thanks again to the wonderful ladies who left me comments on my last one!!!