Friday, March 20, 2009

I miss him

I miss my lil guy. I've never regretted anything in my life. Until now. I know deep down I did the right thing, but did I really. I wish I could see the future so I know for sure I did the right thing. He's too little to understand now and he's too little now to know any different, so I'm sure he's happy, but he'd be happy with me too. And what if he years down the road he hates me for what I did or didn't do. I couldn't live with myself he hates me. And what if his parents don't tell him that I did it because I loved him, what if they just let him hate me and don't tell him why I did what I did. I know the what if's are no where to be, but I am here and I don't know how to get outta them. I can't stop thinking about them.

I wish I didn't have to work today, I want to just lay in bed all day. I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. I've even been taking my night time meds like I'm suppose to, plus some. Nothing seems to work. I don't get it. I NEED SLEEP or I'm going to die. And I'm not not sleeping because I'm napping, because I'm not. I go to bed at like 9 or 10 and toss and turn and have the worst dreams ever. They are freaking crazy, I have no clue what the heck they mean and I just can't get over it. I know that if I were sleeping I probably wouldn't be second guessing myself and regretting this, but I'm not sleeping. And the only thing I can think to do is take 3 sleeping pills instead of 1 because 1 doesn't do shit and 2 barely does anything. But if I take 3 I'll run out faster...I talked to my therapist about it, but she told me to give it a week, other doctor would have been like, ok lets change your meds...not give it a week....sleep is the most important thing when you are depressed.

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