Journal

The adoptive parents gave me a basket of things at the hospital. One of those things was a journal. Maybe tomorrow I'll take pictures of the basket and journal and post them on here! It was truly a great gift!

So, I started a journal shortly after my son was born. I had been toying with this idea for a while, I've kept a journal off and on throughout my teenage years and in college. Before they gave me the journal I had thought about writing about my experience to my son.

I'm a pretty stubborn person, I came to realize that while pregnant - my old therapist told me that I was, and after looking back at how I handled certain things in my life, I had an epiphany - I AM STUBBORN.

I knew the adoption was going to be hard. I had expected that. I mean, who expects that handing over your only child would be a piece of cheesecake?(I've been reading a lot of The Pioneer Woman today!) I mean really - people are just DUMB if they think this is an easy way out. (That is another topic for another day mind you) Well, my stubborn self decided I didn't need to write to get through this, and that I didn't need to talk about my feelings.

BOY was I wrong, seeing as I ended up at Valley in January. (The local mental health hospital)

You see, half way through my pregnancy my therapist took a new job, and left me for a job that allowed her to work from home. Well she did set me up with my therapist now, and this is where my point comes in.(if I even have a point...) Up to a certain point, I can't really remember when, I never left her office with a dry eye. It was so foreign to me to cry in therapy. I hardly ever cried with my other therapist. I was almost ready to quit seeing this therapist because I didn't want to cry any more. HUGE MISTAKE! Glad I didn't make that one! She suggested I start a journal, so I told her about my idea about writing to him. And she thought it was a wonderful idea. I had heard about that idea a few years back. It's always easier to write to someone than just to write to nobody.

Well last night I wrote in my journal for the first time in over a month. I hadn't been doing a very good job at keeping it up. (big shocker there, huh) And I had been wanting to write in it on every 10th of the month, seeing as he was born on Dec. 10. Well this month I forgot, well I thought about it, but just neglected to for no other reason than I didn't know what to say. Not only was it his 7 month birthday but it was my 24th birthday. The last few entries in the journal I seem to be repeating myself. Telling him how sorry I am I haven't kept it up, and how I'll do better. And I really let that get to me last night because I was like, WOAH, those are empty promises and if he sees them as those then how are we going to have a positive reunion. We wouldn't.

Anyways, I'll get to what I was trying to tell you about now since this is clearly LONG enough. I decided (and told him in my entry last night) that I would no longer just write willy-nilly. I would however, choose ONE (or 2) things to write about and then close. So I haven't started yet, but I think I might start tonight, erm this morning. (3am much)

If you got to this point in the entry, thanks for reading. Sorry I was so long winded tonight.