Getting to Know You part 1

I LOVE finding new Meme's! And I found a Sunday one, thanks to Robin @ Lolidots!!! It's called Getting to Know You, over at MannLand5! To play just go to MannLand5, get the questions, copy and paste them to your blog, and then go back and link up!!! :)

The questions..


1. If you could star in any movie genre..what would it be..romance..horror..comedy..suspense or action?
Probably a Romantic Comedy!

2. Do you recycle?
Yes, we do recycle, we put the cardboard/paper on the curb and take our cans to the parking lot of the Commissary because they'll give you 5 cents per can! Hey, I'll take any little bit we can get!!

3. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes, right after high school, a guy I dated wanted to go and needed a DD, it was not a good experience. A stripper tried to make out with my boyfriend and then me...

4. Do you have a nickname?
Manda, MandaPanda, Mander, Mandi, Sissy, Wifey

5. What's a name you can't stand to be called?
I use to get annoyed when people would call me Sarah (my first name) but now it doesn't bother me. But really, I don't have anything that I hate, besides the normal curse words, and degrating things people call woman...and this reminds me of what my grandmother says a lot "You can call me whatever you want, as long as you don't call me late for dinner!" ha
6. What are your Summer staples?
Tank Tops, Flip Flops, Sunscreen, oh wait, those are my year round staples now =P

7. What was the last thing you bought for yourself?
Oh geez, a candy bar, lol....

8. Are you happy with your boob size?
Yea, I don't mind having big ones, they get in the way sometimes, but I'd rather have big ones than small ones! haha

Some Change is Good, right?!

It's a new comment system that a lot of people are using these days. I hate to become a follower and do like they are, but it truly does make sense, and is super easy to respond to comments, unlike the Blogger system. Here is the deal - it's called Disqus (this is the register link), it is a FREE service, and you can even sign into it with your OpenID (I'm not sure what that is...), it's just an easy way to keep track of comments you've made, and comments I get. And it makes it easier to know if someone responds to your comments, and keeps you from having to find the persons link and blog, because lets face it, having to go through all those steps is just pain stakingly dull. Ok, so here is how it works. You can go to Disqus and create an account, or you can create it when you leave a comment. There is a "name" "website" and "email" form under the comment box. Fill it out so I can respond to you, make a Disqus account if you'd like. If you already have one, then sign in, or just fill it out and hit respond. I hope I've made it clear, if you don't understand something please e-mail me - mandanegley09[at]gmail[dot]com

The Triad and how you refer to all sides

I got a comment on "How to" part 2 from April @ Adopting our Third, I'm going to paste it in here, and link to her site, because it was a good question.

I've noticed that at times you call your child's adoptive parents "my adoptive parents." Some birth mothers find it offensive for adoptive parents to call their child's birth mother "my birth mother." What's your take on this?

I can't answer for ALL birth parents, but for me, it doesn't bother me at all. Since we were all friends before the adoption and since we have a lot of mutual friends we decided to use those terms to keep it private. That is not to say people didn't figured out who their birth mother was, and who I placed my son with. But we still keep that private. I think as time has gone by I don't mind them using my name now, but when I first got pregnant I was very ashamed, and felt very guilty. So I didn't want people to know, but as the pregnancy progressed, and I got sicker, more and more people found out. And they just put two and two together. I do get upset when people who I did not tell, or they did not tell, talks to others about our situation. I know there is one person who figured it out on their own, and was talking to people and telling them that I had a baby and gave it to my adoptive parents. I was not happy, and I don't think it is right for anyone to spread things around, even if they are true, that aren't theirs to spread. But that is a different blog, for a different day. Back to the topic at hand...

When they talk about the adoption, they will always say, "Please pray for OUR birth mother" and when I talk about them, I usually call them MY adoptive parents, sometimes THE adoptive parents. It just depends on my mood, and how I am feeling about it at the time. Sometimes I refer to them as the people who adopted my son. I try very hard not to use their names when telling people about it because I feel like that would be an invasion of privacy. But in telling my story, sometimes I feel like it is just easier to say their last name, because I did have 2 people mention asking the couple that did adopt him. (See how confusing that was, so to confuse people less, I'll say "The Red's" (not their last name, but an example...) Like I'll say, someone asked me if I had thought about "the Red's" and I will then go into why I had thought about them and why I didn't think they would be up for it. If that makes ANY sense, ha! I also try not to go into too much detail in as to why they choose adoption. It isn't my story to tell, but people will ask why they decided to adopt, and so I'll tell them that she is unable to get pregnant because she had her ovaries removed. I don't tell them why or how, just that they were removed. And I also tell people that they were thinking about adopting before she lost the ovaries, as they had always wanted 2 bio children and then to adopt. God just had other plans for them, seeing as they just have 1 bio child.

I'm going to take it one step further and touch on what we call the child. I call him MY son, because well, he is my flesh and blood, and even though I don't parent him, he will always carry my genes, and I feel like he will always be my son. They call him their son, because legally they are his parents, his guardians, so it just makes sense. Sometimes I have referred to him as OUR son. Because we all love him the same. Sometimes I get upset when I hear them say that he is their son, because it seems like they are forgetting who gave him life, but I know it isn't true, that they realize my part in our sons life. But that is something that I have to deal with. Again, these things are all on a case by case basis, and I can't talk for all birth mothers. But for me, I don't have any problem with what they refer to me as or what they call our son. And I hope they don't mind me calling them MY adoptive parents.  

I hope that answered the question, and please, if you have a question, don't hesitate to ask. I more than likely will answer you privately or post it as a blog, unless I don't feel comfortable answering, and then I will privately let you know that I got the question, but I don't feel comfortable answering right now.

Another thing April suggested is doing a "What TO Say to Birth Parents" - I am going to try to compile some things, but really I can't think of anything right now, and since so many people are different I think it would be hard to generalize that. But I may think of a way to do a post about what people have said to me that have helped. Or what you could say to ME to help. And not make it about just birth parents. Like I said, I'm not sure how that one is going to work, but just know I'm thinking about it, and appreciate the suggestion and questions. And if you have anything else you'd like to see on my blog I am totally open to suggestions.

"How to" part 3

Ok, this is the last post of the "How to" series - I did have someone ask to do a What TO say, so I'm going to work on that one. I think it will be much harder to come up with things because it really depends on a lot of things. But I will do my best to get that out there! And be looking for a FUN post later today, I figured ya'll would want something FUN after all this serious stuff!! =P

11. I was also told I would be able to move on with my life, and do things I might not have been able to do if I had kept him. That is very true; however, most people don’t think about that when they decide to place their child for adoption. I can tell you that my first thought was my son, I never thought about what it would be like for me after the adoption. I was an afterthought, and it never occurred to me what I’d be able to do once the adoption was settled. And I always say that if I hadn’t had gone through this then I wouldn’t be where I am today. But I never imagined how my life would be after I gave my son a better life. And it wasn’t an easy road for me. And I will continue to suffer from time to time. This leads into #12…


12. Nobody can prepare you for what it will be like after you sign those papers that say that child is no longer yours. And telling someone that it’s for the best and that you will be happy is kind of like #10, you have no idea what the future holds for birth parents. The road isn’t paved with smooth concrete; it’s paved with sharp rocks and curves. Please, don’t say it’s for the best. I know you think you are helping, but really, you’re not telling the birth parent anything they don’t already know. I wish someone had told me how bad it was going to hurt, leaving the hospital and going home empty handed. And some days I just don’t want the reminder that I left my heart with someone else. Because the truth is, I think about it every day. I have a HUGE hole in my heart, and no amount of words, love, talking, more children, NOTHING can fill that hole.

13. A lot of people like to think of us as selfless and wonderful, strong and brave, and tell us that we should feel good about our decision because we just made a family very happy. All of that is TRUE, but what about ME and MY FAMILY?! We suffered a loss, and all you can think of is the other family, and how HAPPY they are?! At the expense of mine. I get that you’re trying to make me feel better, but by saying that you are actually making me feel like chopped liver. Seriously, adoption was the hardest decision I have had to make, and it didn’t just affect me, it affected my family, and when you bring up the happiness the adoptive family is feeling it just stabs at that wound and makes it BLEED.

14. Some people like to think that since I’m in a semi-open adoption that I have a lot of contact with them. And I know people mean well when they ask me, but asking me if I’ve heard from them just reminds me that I can’t just pick up the phone and talk to him. If I hear from them, I will tell you. I will shout from the roof tops, and CHEER. Because I will know that he is actually doing really well, and is actually thriving in the new environment. But reminding me that I don’t have constant contact is just cruel. Even if you mean well. I will answer, and I usually don’t get mad when it is family or close friends who ask me. But if I don’t know you well enough, please don’t ask. It just takes me to a dark place.

15. This goes along with #11, with the whole, moving on thing. And I even had the adoptive family say it to me, but that they needed to not have as much contact so they could move on and that too much contact is “unhealthy.” Those words cut me SO deep. It was fairly early on after his birth, and since we had been friends before, and had become very close during my pregnancy, I thought it would continue. So people have told me that having contact isn’t healthy. But I beg to differ. I think it helps me; it makes me realize that I did make the right choice, and that he is better off. That isn’t to say that he would be miserable with me, because I’m sure we would have been just fine. But I LOVE hearing from them and I LOVE getting pictures of him, and seeing how happy and healthy he is. So my having some contact is not UNHEALTHY, but helps me move forward with my life, and helps me to heal. I also don’t think it is right to tell someone what is or is not healthy for them if you are not a doctor. And all my doctors have said limited contact is fine. So until you get a doctorate please keep those comments to yourself.

Ok, I think this is long enough(6 pages and 3,767 words), and some of them may seem like I’m repeating myself, and I think I might have in some cases, but it’s not being edited, and I’m going to leave it alone. I said I wasn’t going to edit it, and I have only a little, I’ve more added than changed things. But like I said in the first post, this is about what I have to say and not about how I said, remember? So, if there are mistakes, misspellings (which shouldn’t be since I wrote this in Word, even though I just noticed the new blogger posting page has a spell check…), coma splices or other grammatical errors, please look over them! I hope this helped ya’ll to understand some of what a birth parent goes through, and helps you to remember to think before you speak! Again, thanks for taking the time for reading this and I just want to thank Anna at Adoptive Momma of Two for linking to these posts, and allowing me the chance to educate. I’m thinking about doing other posts like this in the future, if you like stuff like this, or have questions, or things you’d like to see on my blog, please comment or email me, just put in the subject line my blog name and that way I won’t automatically send it to spam!!

"How to" part 2

There are about 15 that I've come up with, so I'm doing them 5 at a time, so there is one more post after this, I appreciate all the comments and I am glad that I have helped some realize the errors of their ways! I honestly thought I was going to stop at 12 or 13, but I was able to think of a few more. So thanks for taking the time to read and comment!!!

6. Some people told me that I was a bad mother for even thinking about adoption. I’m here to tell you, that I am a great mother, who put her child’s needs before her own. I’m a great mother because I realized that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own, and that I couldn’t give him what he needed more than anything, a stable environment with a mother and a father. No matter how much I wanted to keep him, no matter how hard I tried, I could not give him what he so desperately deserves, a father.


7. Some people told me that legally the father has to pay, and that legally the father has to do this and that. YES, a father SHOULD pay and be a part of a child’s life. But I didn’t feel like battling a man who refused to believe this child was his, who refused to take the consequences of his actions. I’ve seen way too many people suffering and trying to get their dead beat baby daddy’s to pay child support, or spend time with their children. And I didn’t feel that was fair to put my son in that situation. I grew up in a broken home. I know the toll it had on me, and I could not imagine putting a child through that. The birth father stopped talking to me after I told him I was pregnant, and I only held onto his phone number so I would be able to get a hold of him if I needed him to sign papers. (And before someone jumps on me about that statement, I told him what I was planning on doing, and gave him PLENTY of chances to talk to me about this, so it’s not like I didn’t give him a choice, because I did….) And I did need him to sign the papers, and even when he met the lawyer to sign the papers giving up his rights (but didn’t say whether he was the father or not) he told him that it wasn’t his kid. And the lawyer said “probably not, but I still need your signature.” When the lawyer told me that, I laughed. Of course he wasn’t the father, because of course, since I slept with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend or my husband that must make me a slut, and that must mean this child could have 15 different fathers. Hello, this isn’t Maury. And I knew who the father was, I may have gotten myself in a bad situation, but I was not sleeping with multiple men. And I don’t need people asking me if I’m sure he’s the father, or he can’t be the father. Because I know who I slept with, and when I slept with them, and when I got pregnant.

8. I have never been asked, but I know some have been asked if they received any payment. I did get asked if they helped with my medical expenses. They did not. I know that in some situations adoptive parents will pay for the medical expenses of the birth mother, my adoptive parents did not. However, it is illegal for adoptive parents to outright give money to the birth parents. They can pay medical expenses, and I encourage you to ask for the help, I however, did not. Since I knew the adoptive parents fairly well, I didn’t feel right asking for them to pay for my medical bills. They did pay for the adoption counselor; however, the lady I decided to go with was NOT helpful. (I can touch on that later) I was brought up to never ask how much something cost, or how much someone gets paid. It is just rude. Just like you wouldn’t ask an adoptive parent how much their adoption cost, you should not ask a birth parent how much they received. Chances are they only received enough for medical expenses, if anything at all. I know some agencies will help birth parents with the medical costs. We went with a private attorney and therefore I was unable to receive any assistance from an agency. Some people when they ask about the medical expenses say things like, well, they should because they would more than likely have those same medical costs if they were pregnant themselves. Which may be true, however, I was very sick and in and out of the hospital, so I racked up quite a bit of medical costs, and all pregnancies are different, so who’s to say they would have had the same expenses as I did. There is no telling.

9. The most annoying one I got was people would thank me for choosing life. That is so annoying. I really have no words to argue that one though. I heard it every time someone heard my story, or heard what I was doing. It’s like, if you knew me AT ALL, then you would know that abortion was NOT an option for me. Even though I got pregnant out of wedlock doesn’t mean I am not a Christian and believe that a child is a child at conception, and that abortion is the killing of babies. Because guess what, I’m a Christian, I just strayed and made a mistake. But my son didn’t have to suffer because of my wrong doings. I am not in any way attacking anyone who has had an abortion at one time or another; I am merely stating what I believe. And why I didn’t go that path.

10. Nobody knows what the future holds, except God, so this next one is just DUMB. “You can always have more children later.” Well, possibly. But like I said, you’re not God. And only God knows the plans He has for me. Thanks for the vote of confidence though, I mean, I guess. That is just, ugh. That’s all I can think when this one comes to mind. Its like, are you trying to make me feel better, because you suck at it. First of all, how do you know that I will want children later, or that I will even be able to get pregnant again? There are several cases where birth mothers find themselves suffering from secondary infertility. So telling someone they will have a baby later could possibly hurt them later on in life, when they in fact cannot have another child. Again, it all boils down to thinking before you speak.