Gift Exchange with the BESTIE

So for Christmas this year, Mel and I decided to fill a big box full of things that we thought one another would like, or that reminded us of the other. My box got here on Monday, because unlike me, she's not a procrastinator. Luckily, her's got to her on Christmas Eve, so it all worked out....I am going to show you what I got, and this is just a thank you post, as well. Although, words can't express how grateful I was to receive so many wonderful things from her. She really went above and beyond in the friend department :)

This is the outside of the box, I think I have the same stickers, which happens a lot with Mel and me, since we shop at the SAME place for most of our stickers ;) 

Looking inside, before I started opening things :) She says she wraps like a 5 year old, but I think she did a great job :)

ignore the receipt, lol

Lip Smackers and candy, I think I died and went to heaven ;)

Tinkerbell Stationery and like a thousand + stickers, I only took this picture, it doesn't do justice to all the stickers she put in there, but I figured I wouldn't bore you with thousands of pictures HA!

This book is so cute, hubby called it a coffee table book, and it would go on ours, if we had one ;) It has pictures of animals and some parts are just too funny..I think anyone who is prone to have blue days (i.e. everyone) should have this book....

LOTS of note cards and a list pad and notebook and a note pad, all very pretty!!

8 Nail Polishes, all different colors, all beautiful, my basket of nail polishes is now almost over flowing, I might need a new one, ha! I used that light pink and I think the pink in the left corner on my toes, but it might be the one next to the light pink, I can't really tell from the picture, ha!

Tinkerbell things from Disney, the key chain is on my keys already, and the I'm going to put that pin on my purse, the mints aren't that great tasting, but I love the tin, and will find some use for it, I think my business cards would fit perfectly in there!

A tote bag from Disney with this really pretty pattern, it is a good size, and would be perfect for a towel and sunscreen for the beach, but I think I might just use it as a purse!!

Mel and I have an obession with Holly Madison, I got her 6 pairs of her knee high socks for her box, and she got me this best friends candy necklace, and then of course, some pens so I can write her on those sweet note cards ;)

Coloring books, which are just super cute!! 

And my FAVORITE thing from the box....are ya'll ready for this, I don't think you are....

Tinkerbell PJ's - I put them on as soon as I opened them, and I haven't taken them off (except I just did since we're about to leave, ha)

I mean to tell ya that I have the bestest friend in the world!!!! The box I sent looks pitiful compared to the one she sent me...But she loved it and that is ALL that matters to me!!!!!

Thanks SO much Mel for my awesome stuff, you ROCK, I just wrote you a letter, it will go in the mail tomorrow, with our Christmas Cards (New Years Cards really, lol, and once people start to get them, I'll post about them, they're the free ones I got from shutterfly.com)

Birth Mother's Christmas Poem

This time of year can be so hard on us birth moms. Especially those who haven't seen their children in person since they were born. My heart aches to be with him on special days, but knowing that he's happy and healthy and has a wonderful and loving home to grow up in eases that pain a little.

I remember 3 Christmases ago like it was yesterday, sure my son is only 2, but this is his 3rd Christmas after all. I bawled my eyes out as I laid in bed. I don't know if my dad or brother knew, if they did they just left me alone and let me grieve. I remember laying there, feeling empty, and alone. My heart breaking. I truly knew what Mary felt when Jesus died on the cross. Can you imagine what it would have been like for her if she had known he was to die? And in a way, that's how it was for me at the beginning of my pregnancy, not knowing that my child wouldn't be mine. And the first few weeks, he was going to be mine. Somehow though, I knew he wasn't meant to be with me. And I imagine that Mary felt the same peace when she found out the fate of Jesus. Knowing it was for the best, and knowing that good things were to come from it. And that is exactly what happened to me. My son saved me. It might sound silly, or far fetched, but I truly believe in my heart that if I had kept him things would have been so different, and gone so much worse for us. I'm so thankful to be the wife of an amazing man, and spending our 2nd Christmas, in a row at that, together. Which is so rare in military families.

Anyways, I'll leave you with this, and please keep my family in your prayers, it's the first Christmas without my grandmother. Also pray for those overseas away from their families fighting for our wonderful country, and for those birth moms suffering, and the potential adoptive parents who are waiting for their children.

*I got this from Stefanie over at Becoming Stefanie Despain, a fellow birth mother*

A Birthmother's Christmas

by Shonna K.

It was the night before Christmas

and all through the world

Birthmothers were praying

for their precious boys and girls.

One certain Birthmother

Was trying not to mourn

For this Christmas was the first

Since her baby had been born

Knowing her decision

Was one for the best

She lights a candle in memory

Then sits down to rest.

The wick of the candle

flickers with light

The wind outside is howling

She finds little comfort on this lonely night

For this is the first of many

She will feel this great loss

For her child reaps the benefit,

She simply pays the cost

She takes out an album

And gently dusts off the cover

It is all she has left

To feel like a mother.

She treasures each photo

of her little one

They are her only ties

To her precious son.

Silently a tear

Slips down her cheek

She wipes it away quickly

So she doesn't appear weak.

Christmas will never

be the same again

She will always be thinking

of her little man.

She knows through her pain

For him this was right

But her unselfless deed

Gives little comfort that night.

Her arms are still empty

Her heart is still breaking

He is with somebody else

And she is left aching.

Her heart sits on each page

Of that dusty book

In his eyes, his little face

The way that he looks.

The clock strikes midnight

It is officially Christmas morn

The first that he's had

Since the day he was born

She can't hide her pain

She can't hide her tears

This is the first of many

Long, painful years

But the light that she sees

At the end of all this

Is the smile on his face

He is truly blessed

With that thought

She slowly readies for bed

To sleep all night

Dreams of him in her head

She slowly lays down

And heads off to sleep

Knowing his memory

She will always keep.

Merry Christmas Ya'll!

Christmas Meal, Boxes, Gifts, and Sickness

I had not realized it had been so long since I updated, geez, but I have a good excuse...I've been sick since Thursday (Dec. 16) with a stomach bug from hell. And I thought I was better, but I just don't know. We'll find out. Hubby said it could last 3 weeks, I hope not. I'm suppose to be baby sitting this week and next week, and I had to cancel this week, as I was so sick, and I didn't want to get him sick. I'm hoping to be 100% better by Christmas. I have a big meal planned for Christmas, and if I can't eat it, then I'll be sad, and there certainly isn't any reason to make it if neither of us can enjoy it.

The hubby has had to go to work even though he's been sick, but I haven't left the house for more than a few minutes since I got sick. He is in charge of the salute battery for a funereal service at the end of the month, so he's had meetings and practice. This will be a huge honor, and be a great addition to his resume! It is kind of sad because it means someone died, but this was an older gentlemen, who had been sick for a while. He is being laid to rest at Punchbowl, which the hubby told me is like the Arlington of the Pacific. The hubby wasn't sure if he'd have to do this, but then they found out his wife is placed there, so that sealed the deal.

So today, I knew that if we didn't get to the commissary then we wouldn't have food for Christmas. So we went, and I wanted to make The Pioneer Woman's Sweet Potatoes, but guess what, the commissary was OUT of sweet potatoes, they had a TON of regular baking potatoes, but NO sweet potatoes, apparently everyone bought them this morning. I was quite sad, those sweet potatoes are SO good, I'm going to look tomorrow, or just go to a different grocery store, which we'll end up paying an arm and a leg, but I think it'll be worth it for these sweet potatoes! I will have to look, I'm sure we'll have enough food without them, but I wanted them for Thanksgiving, but didn't do them, and thought they'd be great for Christmas. I found a recipe for a slow cooker ham, I bought a very tiny one, since I'll be the only one eating it, but it has a cherry glaze on it, and I'm kinda excited. Steven found a Cornish Hen, which we're probably dumb, but thought it'd be the same as a chicken, so we'll see. I have no idea what to do with it, but I'm sure I will find something. If not we have chicken nuggets, lol....I'm gonna make the staple green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, and have suckatash, which has become a tradition at big meals!

I finally got my besties gift box out in the mail on Saturday. I know she doesn't care that it won't be there by Christmas, but I DO...I just had to wait and make sure I had the perfect things in it. And I wish I had done more, but I know she will LOVE everything. Her box for me is under our tree, as she asked me to wait til Christmas Eve, and even though she told me when I was sick I could open it sooner, I'm going to wait. I want something to open on Christmas, since I had my crock pot given to me early...

The hubby thought he was slick, and so I'm getting something else for Christmas, I told him not to get it for me, since we're trying to be on a budget, but he took his Christmas money from my grandfather and bought me something small from Kay's, I have no idea what it is, and I wouldn't even know about it, if we hadn't have used his car the other day, as he left the bag on the passenger seat, I know that whatever it is I will love, and there is also another surprise down in my stocking, so that is fun. He has his gift already, and he uses it every night, it's a wi-fi music player thing, it can pull music off any device in our home via the wi-fi connection and play it. It's pretty neat.

Today

*Disclaimer: This is MY blog, and these are MY thoughts, I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel bad or in no way want things to get back to the adoptive family. MY thoughts don't mean I'm not happy with them or that I hate them or don't love them, they are just MY feelings. And I think that I'm entitled to my feelings and should be able to write about them whenever and however I want to, and shouldn't have to feel as if I need to edit myself, so be warned, lol*

You know, yesterday was a pretty good day, seeing as it was my son's 2nd birthday, but today, well, that's a different story because today marks 2 years since I last held him and saw him in person, and well, I miss him. I didn't think I would be so shut out of his life, I never thought I'd be the birthmom who only gets letters and pictures every so often. See, I knew the family before I got pregnant, and I didn't think it was necessary to make a iron clad openness agreement. There was talk about a calendar of his milestones that she'd send me, and an official letter and pictures once a year, but I never thought they'd shut me out as much as they ended up doing in the end. I wish I had the knowledge then to make these things, and I hate that it is too late. I did email the attorney about a month after the birth to plea for more updates, and I asked for every 6 months, and they came up with every 3 months until he's 1 and then every 6 months til he's 4, and then yearly.

I know I'm lucky to even get updates, but it just stinks when you were thinking you'd have more than that. And it stinks when you feel as if you were just an incubator for this family, and they were saying things and doing things just so you'd give them your child. And since I'm being real here, that is how I felt a few months after the birth and adoption. I felt betrayed, I felt let down, I felt as if they used me. And that is a horrible feeling to feel when you're speaking of friends, and my son's parents. But it was how I felt at the time, and how I sometimes feel from time to time. Please don't tell me it's the Devil, because I think my thoughts are completely justified, and that would just piss me off. Please don't try to make me feel better, I'm not looking for that, nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just simply putting it out there.

Everyone asks if I could go back what would I do differently, and well, I don't think that answering that question would necessarily mean I regret anything, but just that if I had known what I know now then there would be some things I'd do differently. For instance, I would have asked for time alone with my son. And that I'd be able to spend more time with him. I got to see him twice after he was born, and hold him twice, but if I could have held him longer, or spent more time with him, I think it would have been just that much more of a memory. But instead, there were 4 people visiting me, the adoptive mom and a nurse, and the nurse was very pushy about how he needed to go get tests, that could have waited a few more minutes. I did get to see him again that day, but it was as they were leaving the hospital, so it was rushed as well. Another thing I'd do differently is the openness agreement, I would have made sure I knew exactly what to expect from them after the birth, and in regards to our friendship on facebook and what not. Instead I just assumed things, and that ended up hurting me in the end. I kind of understand what they meant, but it was as if they weren't thinking about my feelings, but only theirs, and that sucked. They were so interested in how things were going before he was born, and how I was doing before he was born, it was almost as if they just didn't really care any more.

I'm quite lucky, I know. And I cherish the updates I get, and look forward to them. I love the adoptive family so much, and I'm so grateful to them for giving my son a life I just was not able to at the time, and they will always have a special place in my heart, as they tell me I will in theirs. It just is really hard sometimes. And I think that I just needed to write these feelings down and get them out there, so they're no longer lingering inside me. And it does feel a little better. It just will always hurt, and the day it stops hurting is the day I will want to curl up in a ball and die. I know that will never happen, and no matter what happens in my life I will always love my son, even when my husband and I start having our own children. And I know that even when I don't think about him, I still love him and won't ever forget him. But right now, he's almost always on the forefront of my mind, and the hole in my heart that longs for him is quite large, and nothing seems to cure that. I know time will, and time has helped, just not as much as I'd hope it would have.

Christmas Wish List, what the heck

I kind of already bombarded Facebook with a few of the books I want, and I figured I'd post them here, take up less space, and be less annoying ;)

Here is how to gift Kindle books, you need to use my husband's email, which if you write me an email I will give it to you that way. Our amazon account is linked through him, so my Kindle is linked to that account...(mandanegley09[at]gmail[dot]com)

Cross Roads & Deja Vu - Fern Michaels (Books 18 & 19 in the Sisterhood series, and yes I've read them all up to those two, and there is a 20th coming out in 2011)
Happy Ever After - Nora Roberts
The Guest List - Fern Michaels
Dear Emily - Fern Michaels (this one is a 2 in 1 book, LOVE those)
Exclusive & The Scoop - Fern Michaels (It's the Godmother's series...)
Any of the 3 Chelsea Handler books :)

Heather McDonald's book, You'll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again

This purse skirt in Pixie Pink Medallion, Floral Fanfare, Peacock Paisley, Onyx Medallion and/or Embroidered Crimson; or a gift certificate :)

A 3-pack or 6-pack of scents from Scentsy: any of the scents from the Fall/Winter, Bakery, Spa, Romance(especially You Go, Girl) collections, or you could just get a gift certificate from Scentsy too!

1LT promotion pictures

*copied from the other blog, but I'm just too proud of him to not share here*

Doing work before the formation...

Saying the Oath...

Pinning my husband :) 

SOOOO Proud of him, the first thing person he thanked was ME, melted my heart!!

No longer a butter bar, he's my handsome 1LT now, and boy I couldn't be more proud of him!!