Vacay All I Ever Wanted

So, it's about 2 weeks until my 25th birthday, yikes, how sad. But less than 2 weeks til we go to Maui! (Hence the title)

Things here are going, slowly, but going. I wish I could just snap fingers and have the house in order, or the laundry done, or the kitchen clean. I'm seriously ready to be settled, but yet, I can't get the energy or motivation to do it. I look at things, and say, oh I wish that were this way, and I also think, oh I think I could do this with that, but I don't, it's like I'm not capable. Something in me just can't do it. I'd say maybe the vacay will help me find my motivation. Or getting ready for it will. I know things need to be clean before we leave, so we don't get infested with bugs, but at the same time, I just don't want to. No motivation = a messy messy house. And this isn't the first time this has been a problem. Growing up I never cleaned. I hated it. And another thing that would happen is I would start going through something, and cleaning it out or what not, and I'd get side tracked with something in it. Like one time in High School or something, I came across love notes from an ex-boyfriend, and I decided to rip them up in tiny tiny pieces, and then place them in a candle glass holder and burn them, in my room, with no window open. My mother thought the house was burning down. But, I wanted to get rid of those things, and I thought fire would work. Apparently, I've never been very smart. HA!

So we're getting ready for a ton of stuff, aside from the vacay, there is nothing else FUN going on, but stuff that has to be done. Like 2 trips to the Big Island for the LT for a few weeks each time, where I'll be alone. Which kind of helps prepare for the whole him being gone for a year. It still sucks. But it helps to remember that this time apart is time he needs to be prepared for the deployment, and he needs this more than I need him at home. I'd much rather him go on the deployment with as much training as possible than going with none and ending up hurt. I think a few weeks here and there are better than living my life with out him. And it's how I need to think about this to get through it. It might not be a good way, but it's mine, and I like it. If it upsets some, then BLAH...I'm sure it will. Because I've been doing that a lot lately. And for that I just say I'm sorry and I didn't mean to.

I really am trying to be better about this whole blogging thing, but it kind of goes along with the house work/unpacking thing. I just can't seem to do it. I don't feel like I have anything to say, and I feel like whenever I do talk it upsets someone. And everyone knows how that makes me feel. I hate it. And I don't mean to, I'm just honest, and I say what I mean. I don't feel like sugar coating anything, and I'm just not going to walk on egg shells any more. But I do try to watch what I say, and think before I say it.

So, I have some catching up to do in the blog world, and I've tried to visit everyone, and if I don't leave a comment it doesn't mean that I haven't read, just that I can't think of anything to say.

New meds & other random things

So, my doctor took me off of 2 of my meds, raised 1 to 150mg and added a new one. I'm trying Lunesta, just 1mg right now but I'm thinking I will have to raise it as I'm still wide awake at 1am when I laid down at 10. It worked great last night. But idk why tonight would be different. Makes no sense. I could understand if I'd been on it for awhile because all meds do that to me. Hence why we have had to raise and change meds. I think I've tried lunesta before. But I honestly have been on so many meds in the past 6 or so years they all run together. If this one doesn't work she's going to put me on ambien, which I don't want to do. I have heard too many horrible things about it and its an addictive medication and with my track record on meds, it could easily become a problem. And I would like to avoid that.

Something I wanted to talk about is death, no I don't wanna die. But several people around me are. First my grandma in January and then my aunt a few weeks ago, along with a few other family members I wasn't close to or friends of family members. But there have also been celebrity deaths. But the ones that hit me the hardest are the ones who die too young or commit suicide. Back a few months ago there was layla grace who was just a baby, and then a week or so ago a girl I went to high school with passed, and then this week another young man passed. And in the last few months I've heard of countless suicides. They were way to young and all but layla grace and the ones who took their own lives were healthy. And it makes you question God and what His meaning is and the meaning behind these deaths. The ones I mentioned first were all from old age, you know, the circle of life type thing. And I guess you could call them all that, but is it really the circle of life when someone dies at the age of 5 or younger, or in their 20's?

And there really are no words. Just confusion. But for the outsider, the ones not that close to the death, we need to help those who hurt. And help them see it is all apart of God's big plan. God"s timing is perfect, even in death, and even if we don't see it now, God will reveal his plans to us in His time. Ultimately God knows when we will all die. Even those who pass unexpectedly. It all goes back to God forming us before we were even a thought in our parents minds. And He had how we would live mapped out. So if you've recently lost a loved one or a friend. Remember that God loves you and your loved one or friend and that it might not make sense now but in time you will be shown the true meaning behind their death. And remember that if they believed in God and were forgiven of their sins then they are in heaven looking down on us and have perfect bodies and are no longer in pain and no longer sad or lonely or hurting. They are dining with Our Father and He is taking perfect care of them.

I hope I can get some sleep now. That sure would be nice. But to ensure I do, benedryl here I come. Ha! Ole faithful.

Amanda

Group therapy run down

So I went to group. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Only 4 people and 2 dr's. I'm the youngest, but we all seem to get along (for now ha)

I tried not to talk much. I didn't open up about me that much, more than I wanted but it just worked itself out. I feel like I helped someone in group. I could relate and was telling her what helped me. And even though the situations were different. It was still grief, so the process is the same. And that is all I can say about that, you know the whole privacy thing!

I'm glad I went, my doctor is glad I went and that I will go back.

I started this post Tuesday night but am just now finishing. I am going to start another one since I'm up.

Amanda

Group Therapy

My psych wants me to start going to group therapy, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Grouped help when I got out of Valley, but I felt like I had to go, that I wouldn't have been released if I didn't agree to go.

I'm going to go, give it the ole college try.

I'll write a post either tonight or tomorrow about how it went. Probably tomorrow because I'm going to my psych tomorrow too. So I'll probably just lump that post together.

I'm nervous and my anxiety is super high. Thank goodness for my anxiety medicine.

I won a gift card, and this is what I got - finally posting this, ha

About a month ago I guess, I entered a giveaway for a gift card for hand stamped jewelry from Nelle & Lizzy. I have been wanting a necklace for MONTHS and just couldn't justify spending a lot of money, so I thought, what the heck, $50 bucks towards a necklace will take a good chunk outta the price...

I had joked with Robin, who hosted the giveaway, on twitter the day she was suppose to draw about how since I hadn't heard from her I hadn't won, but she hadn't drawn yet. So a few hours later she posted on twitter that I won, and how funny it was that I had just asked and then she drew my number/name!

Anyways, so I had been looking at the jewelry site since I entered, trying to figure out what I wanted, so when I got the email from the site that I won and to call to place my order I just had to wait til we got paid to make my purchase because, even though I had $50 it was still gonna cost me some money, but not as much if I had bought it out right!

So I think Friday I got my package by UPS, and I looked at the hubs and was like, are you expecting anything, because I don't think I am, because I was expecting this to take a whole lot longer! So I was VERY surprised when I looked at the package and it was for ME!

This little Thank You card was in it, and it was wraped in a very pretty lavender colored tissue paper

Then this is the box w/ a cute Nelle & Lizzy ribbon, so cute!

I think I had read on Robin's blog about this give away that they pack it in fresh lavender, but I was still supre excited when I opened the box and it smelled heavenly!!

I picked this super cute heart w/ our last name on it, and the first birthstone charm is January, and then the other one is July. I have the site bookmarked, so when we have babies we can add their birth stones! I haven't taken it off since I got it!

I LOVE IT!!!!

Getting to Know You

Because I really really really needed something to get my mind off things, I decided to do Getting to Know You Sundays w/ Keely over at Mannland5

*To play..copy the questions..answer them..then come back here and link up*

The questions..

1. If a person has a booger in their nose. and you can see it, do you tell them?


2. What are you passionate about?


3. How long have you been blogging?


4. What is your favorite "summer" drink?


5. What is your favorite type of music?


6. Something I do before I go to bed is......?


7. My Summer vacation plans are...?


8. My favorite must have, can't live without, beauty product is?






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1. If a person has a booger in their nose. and you can see it, do you tell them?
More than likely I would. It would depend on how well I knew the person. But I'd maybe do the whole rubbing my nose, or wiping at my nose to get their attention, ha!


2. What are you passionate about?
Nothing any more, or right now, nothing. Use to be a lot of things, but recently I could care less about things....(as in like the last hour...)

3. How long have you been blogging?
Off and On for YEARS, back when Xanga was big!

4. What is your favorite "summer" drink?
Coke, Sweet Tea, Margaritas, Icee's

5. What is your favorite type of music?
Country and Pop

6. Something I do before I go to bed is......?
take my meds, I can't sleep without them, sometimes I'll read, cuddle with the LT, normal stuff...

7. My Summer vacation plans are...?
Hanging out, going to Maui in July and just spending as much time with the LT before he deploys next year!!

8. My favorite must have, can't live without, beauty product is?
Uhm, do hair ties and bobby pins count?!?!?! Face wash with an exfoliator is a big one too....use to be make up, Clinque mostly, but I hardly wear make up now, but I wash my face when I shower, or with face wipes...

18 Months

If you would have told me 18 months ago that I would be married and living in Hawaii, I probably would have laughed at you and told you that you were out of your mind. Little did I know, HA!

So I think Tuesday (June 1) I got my 18 month update!! I was anixiously awaiting it, checking the mail box every day with baited breath, and was EXCITED to see it! And it was HUGE - a 7 page letter and 29 pictures!!!

I'm not going to post the pictures, because well, this is a public blog, but I will just tell you that he is growing like a weed and gaining weight like a champ!

Some high lights from the letter:
- he is 25lbs 13oz which is a BIG difference from before he had surgery to fix his tummy issues.
- he's only 18 months old but he has a bigger testimony than most; was diagnoised with acid reflux which was just a side effect of what was really wrong, moved and found a new doctor who found the real problem, did surgery and then a month or so later that doctor was in a car wreck and passed, I mean, WOW...)
- he's just like his momma was when she was little - ear infections a lot, but unlike me, he had to have tubes, and has only had 1 infection since!!
- he has asthma and takes oral steriods and breathing treatments, but is doing well!
- he LOVES to dance, and apparently has his own little dance and great rythme (he doesn't get that from me, but I do love music!)
- he is a little traveler! (been to TN, GA, LA, FL, and a few others)
- he has 12 teeth (as of the letter)
- he and his older brother got matching PJ's for Christmas, and saw Santa, and they both LOVED him!
- he had a blast eating birthday cake! (there is a picture of his face covered in cake! adorable)
- he loves to show off his belly, and there were quite a few belly pics, let me just say, he's got the cutest tummy!
- he's doing really well in every area (including conegtive) except walking and talking - but he learned to stand on his own!
- he knows some sign language, but loves to point and say "uh uh" more!
- he makes the funniest faces too!!

That is just a few things. There really was SO much info in the letter, and I just soaked it up like a sponge, and I've read it like 4 or 5 times, and looked at the pictures over and over and over!!

I still don't really see me in him, all I see is the sperm donor, but reading about him makes me know he's MY son! And I'm sure if I would compare his pictures to my baby pictures I'm sure I'd see me. But I don't know where those are, ha!

Hope all is well with ya'll, sorry for the lack of posts. I just hadn't felt up to posting. But I will try to do better.