I can tell the latter is not going to be an easy milestone. One year wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sure I was sad to not be able to celebrate with him and share in that day. But I guess since I had just gotten to Hawaii it wasn't really on my mind too much. I remember my husband asking me to go somewhere with him. I don't know if it was because he knew I didn't want to be left alone that day or if he just wanted me to go with him. Either way, I was so grateful for that. I definitely don't want to be stuck alone this year either and I'm praying so hard that my husband will be in town around that time and not away.
I'd like to do something special on that day but at the same time I'd also like to just go about my day as if it were a regular day. Its hard to forget that day altogether though. I mean, my life changed so much Dec 10, 2008 and I don't think anyone forgets the day they delivered their children, even if they're no longer with them. The year might get fuzzy but his birthday will always be remembered.
I said earlier I could tell it is going to be rough, and its because I've been more irritable and moody lately. And that usually makes me even more emotional than ever. And I'm going to be on pins and needles waiting for a new update on him. I never realized how much I'd miss him and how much I'd want to know how he's doing and what he looks like. But I just love to see his picture and hear how he is doing. And having to wait to hear from them is hard. I didn't think itd be like this. And I thought there would be more openness. And it hurts every time I think about what they said about cutting back on contact. And I kick myself every time I doubt them, because they've come through every time this far. I just can't stand that open adoption isn't legally binding. And I kick myself for not being more verbal about what I wanted before the adoption was finalized.
This whole experience has made me trust and rely on God so much and its made me a better person, but at the same time its killed me. I'm not the same girl, some days I hardly recognize myself. I've become bitter, and I've gotten mean. My poor husband has gotten the worst of it, and I feel horrible. I'm working on these issues in therapy but they're still such big things. I honestly don't know if I will ever get past this. I want to move on and make a better life for me. But I'm still so afraid of letting go. Its almost as if I need this pain to make me know I'm alive.
So Sunday is my 1 year anniversary with my husband and its also Halloween. I can't wait to hand out candy and see all the kids dressed up. And I cannot wait to taste the cake I'm having made...what I wouldn't give for some cake now ha!
Amanda
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