It's not a secret how I got pregnant, and I still struggle with the fact that I put myself in that situation, and allowed myself to be so dumb. And I feel guilty. It'll be 2 years in December, and some days the guilt feels as strong as it did back then. There will be a few days where I won't feel guilty, but once I start thinking about it and dwelling on it, then it's just all downhill from there.
It's also not a secret that I never once said the reason for placing him for adoption was for myself, it was always what was best for him, but really, it was what was best for me too. And I feel guilty for thinking that, and I feel like I shouldn't move on and move forward, because somehow it means I'm forgetting. Even though I know that letting go of the guilt does not mean forgetting, and that forgiving myself for the situation is not forgetting. It's weird to describe and kind of makes me look stupid, but it's a fight between my logical brain and my illogical brain. I'm a smart person, or so I'm told, no that was a joke...I'm a smart person because I know that if I move forward with my life, and if I forgive myself and let go of the guilt then I won't forget my son, but I think when you're hurting you can't see it. But then again, I still knew that it wasn't true...
Anyways, I wrote a question over at my community on BlogFrog, I'm going to try and be more active on it, but we'll see, ha!
6 comments:
Guilt. It is a word that is so short yet sooooooo big! That guilt is a normal thing for us birth mothers because after all, no one is designed to have a baby and not raise it. You will confront these thoughts and feelings many more times in your life and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
You see, through my guilt I was able to discover what it was that REALLY made me sad about my adoptions. I was able to embrace that guilt and force myself to understand just what my heart was feeling ... regardless of what logic my head told me. SUre, I know that I did what was best for my children and my situation at the time. But all the good that I have done in my life will not erarse the immense sense of loss that I felt then, and even now. I know this may seem crazy to say, but you have to have that guilt in order to heal. You have to understand the loss and what it means to you in order to work through it.
Not an easy task at hand, but I am here to tell you that you are not alone.
Mandi I struggle with the same thing...I know our children are in the families they were meant to be in, and we put our own needs and wants aside to give them the best we could. And it is hard to admit that the best for them wasn't neccessarily us. The ironic part is that we felt guilty for getting unintentionally pregnant, guilty for considering adoption, guilty for going through with the adoption, guilty for not raising them....yet we made an active, loving choice to help make the best out of an unplanned situation. I haven't figured out a way to make complete peace with the guilt either, yet sometimes it helps to remind myself that I could be feeling a different kind of guilt had I chosen to raise my daughter. Guilt at not being able to provide a father for her. Guilt at not having a trust fund so I didn't have to work all the time and leave her in daycare to support us. Guilt that she has no siblings or cousins. Etc. One thing that helps put guilt in it's proper place, for me, is to remember that I placed my daughter for her to have the best life, and also for me to move on and start over. I know that when she is old enough to understand she will be proud and happy that I chose to move forward, not get trapped in this situation, make some positive life changes, find a wonderful husband, etc. I think that moving forward and living a life that your son will be proud of is not anything to be ashamed of or feel guilty about! Hugs to you!
Thanks ladies for your insightful words! It means a lot!
That makes a lot of sense; it definitely is not stupid. I'm glad you're with a good counselor who can talk with you through all of this- it's big stuff that i can't imagine going through, and i think you are doing really well with it. you are a very strong woman.
Thank you Natalie!! Love you!
You are seriously so incredible Amanda, and you gave your son the gift of life and chose for him a family who will always love and care for him. In my mind, there is nothing to feel guilty for at all! But I do get what you're saying about your logical vs. your illogical mind. Mine is constantly battling too...
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