I go through phases where I post on Adoption.com's Forum for Birthparents. And right now is a phase. I use phase for a lack of a better term, I think. I'll go faithfully every day for a few weeks, and then I'll go a month or two without even going there. But this time I've been going back for about 2 months now I guess. I post to give support. I post to gain support. I've asked questions, and I've answered questions. I have tried to be supportive and not hurt feelings. And I'd like to think I'm doing a pretty good job at it.
The Forum is open to all sides of the Triad! So anyone can post on any topic, there are sections for each Triad and for internation adoptions, domestic adoptions and foster parents. But you can post on any section. At times I feel like its unfair, and that an Adoptive parent shouldn't be on a Birthparent section. But I don't voice that because well, they can give us insight to how the parents who are raising our children might be feeling. I don't venture onto their sections. I stay on the Birthparent ones. Inside the Birthparent one are several sub-categories. One of them is Birthfather's. I hardly go into that section, as I have a very poor image of Birthfathers. I have read some great stories from Birthfathers, of their love for their placed children and the hurt they feel. But because of my situation and because the man who got me pregnant was not a good man, I can't call him Birthfather, I can't call him Dad. He is "sperm donor" to me, and he has always been that way. I'm sure it might offend some people, and while on the forum I referred to him as such and put a warning and apology that if it offended anyone that I was sorry and that it was not meant to offend. Someone explained how it might hurt my son's feelings later in life when we are in reunion to hear his "father" referred to as "sperm donor" and that I should rethink calling him that. I then replied that when referring to this man I do not use "sperm donor" to my son, never once in my letters or journal to my son has it been "sperm donor." But I can't call this man a father or dad. And I explained that. Well, apparently, according to her, because I have not seen anything telling me I can't use that term, it is against the rules of the Forum to use "sperm donor" in anything not related to artificial insemination. I have taken that into consideration, and won't call him "sperm donor" on the Forum, but this is my blog and I have no rules for myself, well, I do, but you know what I mean. So I will refer to him as "sperm donor" here and find something else to call him on the Forum. I explained to them on the Forum that I am NOT going to sugar coat my son's father and make him think he was a great man. This man is NOT a great man. He is a horrible person, and a poor excuse of a man. Not only did he get me pregnant, but he got 3 or 4 other women pregnant. Denying all 4 or 5 kids.
Someone else, who was in a similar situation with the her son and his birth father said that people do change, and that we don't know what he future holds. She gave a great example of how people do change. And how her son's birth father has changed and is a positive person in her son's life now that they are all in reunion. She said she was very weary of it and told her son to be careful and what not. So I know they can change, and we don't know what the future holds, but for now, and since the adoption is so new and he probably hasn't changed. He will remain "sperm donor" to me. And when the day comes that I am in reunion with my son, I will tell him about the man is father was, and since I don't have a relationship with this man now I will tell my son that I don't know what his father is like at the present time, just how he behaved and acted at the time of the adoption. It's the least I can do for my son.
Something else I want to say is that I do not place ALL blame on the "sperm donor" because I was just as much to blame as him. I put myself in the situation that got me pregnant. I have taken responsibility for my actions and I am dealing with the consequences. I never once meant to make it seem like I wasn't to blame for what I went through. I never once meant to make people think I was better than this. I know to a few I came off that way. And for those people I have talked it out and made ammends with them.
I never once claimed to be perfect. For in fact, I am so far from perfect it isn't funny.