Wednesday, April 14, 2010

WOW

I merely reposted the Adoption Awareness graphics so that the few new readers who have been touched by adoption could see them and snag them. I never imagined it would generate new readers or commenter's. I am in AWE! As I said on Twitter the other day "Is in awe of all the love I've gotten from reposting the adoption awareness graphics. I didn't expect that. Or do it for the attention. Thnx" I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. Wow, I really needed it. I have been having a very rough few days. And I'll get into them, after I post this picture of how I am thinking about getting my hair cut on Friday, it might be a little longer and definitely won't be blonde, hahaha


Ok, now back to how I've been feeling lately. I think that since it has been 4 months since I got an update that I am just feeling SO upset and unsure about things. I don't have a recent photo of him, I don't even have a picture from his first birthday because they sent my 1 year update before his birthday. I just don't know how I feel about it. I should be getting one in 2 months. Now that he's 1 it'll be every 6 months. And when he turns 4 it'll be yearly. I'm trying not to be picky, or selfish, and I'm so grateful that they do provide updates, but I would love more frequent ones, at least until he's a little older. The first few years they change so much, and he was so behind in things because of his illness. Like when I got my 1 year update, he hadn't started walking yet, and he was just Army crawling. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much, and I know it was my decision to give him a better life, but a part of me just misses him more than anything. I think all these feelings are normal, and I'm sure they are. But they still hurt and stink.

Apparently some people where afraid I would try to get him back once Steven and I married. Well, they're just stupid, that is not even possible. Even if we had all the money in the world, no judge would ever take a child from the home they've known for so long. Unless there was something going on inside that home, that was deemed unfit for a child. But he is in a loving and caring, stable environment. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about what could be if I had met Steven sooner, or that it would be nice to raise my son with him. BUT that is not possible, and it definitely isn't in the best interest of my son. I don't regret my decision, and I don't wish I could change it. And for people to think that and not bring those fears to me is just stupid. And they should just leave well enough alone. I was really pissed off when I heard that. And I have no idea who all said it. But they are in no position to judge or tell me how to live or what to do. I hope they read this and realize how retarded they were for even thinking something like that. I hope they read this and see how much pain that caused me, and realize the stupidity of it. I mean, seriously. Someone I talked to about it, said they probably thought that because I refer to him as "my son" well, I'm here to tell you that no matter what I call him, they would probably still think that. And no matter what I call him it won't change the fact that he is MY SON, I carried him for 9 months, he is HALF me...just because I'm not parenting doesn't mean he is less my son or isn't my son. And just because I refer to him as my son doesn't mean that I'm not moving on or I'm living in the past. I think I've come a long way in the past 16 months.

I don't feel like I should justify things, or explain myself, but I do. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like I owe people an explanation, I don't feel like they deserve one. I don't know them well enough to think I need to explain things to them. I certainly wouldn't expect the same from them, if the roles were reversed. I realize that my situation is kind of scary for some people, and that people walk on egg shells around me, with things they say or do. But I think they should stop. If you feel the need to talk about me behind my back, then you should be able to say it to my face. I've always hated confrontation, but finding things out just hurts all the more, and makes me hate to be in group settings, or have friends, because I'm always worried they're talking about me when I'm not there. And crap like that just feeds on that fear. Makes it more real. I'm flattered that they think about me all the time, but at the same time, it's like, move on with your life. Your life isn't perfect, far from it. So concentrate on yourself, and I'll concentrate on me. KTHNXBYE....

There are so many people around here pregnant, especially in our Battalion, because they just got back from Iraq at the end of last year, so all deployment babies. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset seeing all the pregnant ladies and new borns. I am extremely happy for everyone who is expecting, don't take my being upset as unhappy for them, because I am super happy for them, but I just have baby fever pretty bad. My uterus tugs, and pulls and I just get this urge to have a baby. But we are waiting. I keep telling people, we rushed everything else, this is one thing where we can take our time! I mean, we've only been married 6 months this month, and have known each other 1 year, so we need time. Time to enjoy one another, and find our groove. I'm in no way prepared for a child, and I'm in way ready to get pregnant, but when you are surrounded by several pregnant woman, it's hard not to want to have one! Ha!

Ok, well, this is long enough, let me know what ya'll think about the hair cut, and I'll post pictures when I get it done! Again, I appreciate all the link love ya'll gave me from the repost I did, it meant the world to me!!

4 comments:

Robin said...

So many complicated feelings! I'm the adoptive mother and I think I have every one of those feelings, too -- just for different reasons, i guess. Thank you for helping me see the "other" perspective. It's not "other" though, is it -- it's shared.

Holly said...

I'm adopted and I'm glad I found your blog! I think it's very interesting! :)

I'm sorry those people have said such insensitive things to you, that must be very difficult to deal with. :(

AKD said...

I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with such ignorance and lack of compassion. Hugs to you.

April said...

Hi, I just found your blog. Do you communicate with the adoptive parents of your son? I wish I would hear from my girls' birth mothers so I could know whether they wanted more or less updates. I want to contact them, but don't know if I should since both women arranged contact only through the agency (both have moved without leaving the agency a forwarding address).