Betrayed

I feel so utterly betrayed. Like the family I placed with was telling me what I wanted to hear just to get my baby and now that they have him and it's final they don't have to do what they said.

They have recently taken me off their facebook accounts, and as June fastly approaches I'm starting to doubt I'll get my second update.

About a month after the birth they wrote me an email telling me they were cutting out communication.

A little background - they have been friends of mine for 3 years now. We have over 150 friends in common on facebook and got pretty close throughout my pregnancy.

I was up for hours last night worrying about whether I was going to get it and why they have decided to all of a sudden delete me and all sorts of other things.

I was going to leave her a nice email on Mother's Day but said to hell with that when I noticed they had deleted me from facebook. And she didn't even acknowledge me.

Mother's Day

So Mother's Day is in a week. I'm not looking forward to it for many reasons. One being my son is no longer with me, but another because my boyfriend leaves for Benning that day. And we just found out that we might not get to spend weekends together like we thought. Another reason is because it just happens to be his 5 month birthday too. I've tried to not let it bother me, and get me down, but there is just this overwhelming feeling of regret and sadness. I'm sitting at the boyfriends house alone, as he is out getting our tent and other stuff from the campsite. He let me stay behind, I kind of wish I had gone ahead with the others to go swimming, as now I'm just sitting and not doing anything. I guess I could shower and clean up from camping, but I'm feeling really lazy, or maybe it's just hung over.

The boyfriend's cousin has a nephew who is just a few months old. He is the most precious baby I've seen in a while, besides mine of course! Well the other night at the Mexican restaurant I held him. Steven was so proud of me for being able to hold him and not get upset. He was very surprised I wanted to hold him at all. But he was just to cute and snugly to pass up! Hahaha - he fell asleep on me and it was the best feeling in the whole world. For a moment it was almost as if I was holding my lil man again.

I also went and hung out with Lauren and her son, who is just a month younger than my lil man. It was the first time I saw him. He is precious too. I didn't know if I could handle it and afterwards I was kind of bummed out, but I think it went really well. I'm making progress I think.

I'm just not looking forward to Mother's Day....so much is happening on that day and I'm so sad about it all.

Updates

Things are going pretty well. I'm having more good days than bad days. Finally - but I'm sure I will always have bad days. Hopefully the good days will out number the bad days.

I have a new boyfriend. He lives 3 hours away and is in the Army. He's definitely the best ever. Totally different than the one I was dating before him, who I've not talked to in a long long time, thankfully. He decided someone who wasn't in his life was more deserving of him than I was, and for that I'm grateful. I was thinking of ditching him anyways, since he lied to me all the time. Steven in the new boyfriend, and he's going to Officer Basic in about a month and then Oklahoma in July and then he's off to Hawaii in December. He's for sure the sweetest boyfriend I've had in a long time and for that I'm grateful.

The adoption has been very hard on me, but I found someone who makes living bearable. And I found someone who would be super excited if/when my son comes back in my life!!!!!!

The Funk times a million

The funk I referred to was the depression. I would snap out of it, if you could snap your finger and be over it, but that doesn't work, believe me, I've tried. [yes i know some of you are picturing me doing it, and yes i did actually try...it was quite hilarious....you shoulda been there, lol]

The Funk

is getting worse.