Preparation

So, I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for 3 years now, I’m not ashamed of that, and most people know that. I started them the day my son was born. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened had I not done that. Seeing as I had post partum, on top of the emotions of the adoption. It took a few tries to get the right combo, and once I got to Hawaii, it took 3 psychiatrists, but we finally got it, just a few months before my husband left for Afghanistan! So, now I’m doing really well, and feeling really great. Sure I have some moments, but I chalk that up to being “normal.”

Well, a few weeks ago I talked with my psychiatrists about getting off my anti-depressants (I’m was on 2) so that when the husband gets home we can start trying for kids. The anti-anxiety med is mostly used at night for RLS, and is okay to take when pregnant. So I’m not worried about that one. So last month I started tapering off one. And this week I talked with my psychiatrist again about the other one. The one I’m still on is a little trickier to tapper off, but we’re going to do it slowly, and with his assistance. We’re going this one in 2 steps, as opposed to 1 like the other one. I’m taking half of a pill for now, and when I go back to see the psychiatrist we will half that dose, and then from there stop it altogether.

We’ve done research, and we know that there isn’t that much out there about the medicines I was/am on doing any damage during pregnancy. But I would feel better if I’m off them. But wouldn’t be angry if I have to be on one of them. Because I’m doing fine without the other. We’ll see how I do off the other one. My psychiatrist said that it I might not feel any different off this one right away, so we’re going to see how I do.

I’m excited to start this new chapter, and I’m excited for my husband to be home. It’s been one hell of a year. So here’s to baby making! Well, let’s get my husband home first! HA!

Oh and I’m done with therapy! I had my last session this week! She said I’m doing so well that we really have no more to do!!!

Updates & his birthday

I know this is kind of late, but better late than never!!!

I’ve gotten several emails and even a letter in the mail from my son’s adoptive mother. My first email was on his birthday, and it just made that day so much more special. She sent some family pictures they had done, and they were really cute!

Then a few weeks later she sent some more. Just pictures from life, and the last 6 months. I so enjoyed seeing them. And then this week she sent pictures from their birthday and Christmas.

I can’t get over how TALL he is and how much he is looking like a child and not a baby or toddler. And I can’t help but see his birth father in him. The poor kid has the guys hairline.

He’s doing really well though. He’s growing and developing. He’s right on target. Which is quite amazing since he had a rough first 6-8 months of life. He’s come a long way. And it is so wonderful to see him doing well.

On his birthday, I was hanging out with my friends, and decided it would be a great idea to get a cake, and celebrate his birthday. So we went to see Arthur Christmas and then went to Chili’s for drinks and dinner.

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

So Big

I got a few pictures in my email, as part of my update. They're from his bday party in December. He's so big, I can't even imagine how big he is now...I'm sure even bigger then the Dec pictures.

He looks happy. And that makes me happy. It makes my decision easier to cope with. Not that he might be unhappy had I kept him. But just that it helps solidify that I did what was best. I'm looking forward to more pictures and a letter. Ya'll just don't know how much these things mean to me...

posted from Bloggeroid

Waiting pays off

So I haven't gotten an update yet, but I did hear from the adoptive mom, and one is on its way. She is going to email Christmas and birthday pictures and then snail mail the other pictures and a letter. Some things came up and that's why its been a while. She sent me a fb message, it was definitely a surprise, a good one. So my waiting is going to pay off...

posted from Bloggeroid

Still waiting...and Army Wife stuff

I'm still waiting for an update. But I think I'm okay with that. At least in this moment I am. And we all know how things, emotions, can change on a dime.

I usually don't talk about the Army Wife side of my life on this site since I have a blog just for it, but I'm going to talk about it today...because the emotions are the same as with the adoption, in that they change on a dime.

I went to a welcome home ceremony last night, 2 of my neighbors just got home. It was bittersweet. I almost cried as they were coming in from the busses, but I was able to get it together. I cannot wait for it to me waiting for my husband to come in from the busses.

We are 1/6th of the way thru this deployment. I think I like thinking of it in fractions. It makes it seem less daunting. And it makes it seem like its moving faster than say using percentages.

Anyways. I think I'm off to bed. I didn't get to sleep til 3am, and woke up at 9am...

I plan on sleeping in tomorrow.

Oh and I don't think I will ever use the computer to update my blog now that I have the Blogger app on my phone lol!!!

Waiting

I'm not sure what is going on, but I keep checking the mail daily for an update. I got the last one in November, so if I've done the math right, its been 7 months.
He's 2 1/2, so I thought it was still every 6 months. There was nothing in the last update to make me think they weren't going to send one in 6 months. I know things happen and they are probably busy. But even if you're busy, you could sit down and write a few sentences saying, hey sorry things are busy, we don't know when but we will send some pictures.
I mean, I know I didn't send an update until Jan, but I wanted to get pictures and stuff put together, and I was kind of hoping for a short update after his birthday and Christmas. But I don't have a schedule to keep on. I didn't say I'd update on me, you're the ones who wanted something, and I obliged. I don't think I've over done updates, I send them after you send one. I send mothers day cards, and you don't send me one, I just don't understand. I honestly don't think I over stepped any boundaries, and I would think that since we are all adults they would let me know if I have. I wouldn't think they'd just stop updates altogether. I know its still early June. But its been 7 months...maybe they're waiting for my birthday...but why? That'll be 8 months by then.
I know I worry every time it comes time to get an update, but I've never had to wait this long. And I do feel bad, I know they don't owe me anything, but I don't feel like its too much to ask that they keep their word. And I never thought they'd be the type of people too go back on their word.
But then again, they've done some things I didn't think they ever would....(that's another issue for another day)

Deployment número uno

My husband left a few days ago. He'll be gone a while, 12 months. I haven't really written about it much on here since this is mainly my adoption blog, but I figured I'd owe ya'll an explaination as to why I've not posted in a really long time.

So, back in March we went to the mainland, we were there for 2 weeks, and I really didn't have a computer to update one when I was there. We had a good trip. It was so stressful though. I'm glad to be back home. We spent time in Atlanta, Dahlonega, and Chattanooga. We saw everyone we could, and spent as much time with them as we could. It was hard to fit everything in but I think we did a pretty good job. I am not looking forward to another trip like that though, if I'm being honest. I told people I'd be back while the husband is deployed, but quite honestly, I don't know if I want to. I'm happy in Hawaii, and I'm comfortable here. Plus, flying to the mainland is SO expensive.

I'm doing a lot better with this than I thought I would, I have only really cried when he was getting on the bus, and other than that, I've been fine. That may make me sound like a heartless bitch, or that I don't care about him, but I do care, and I am not heartless, I just know that there is no use in crying for him when he isn't going to be able to do anything for you. I've gotten emails almost every day, and he's called a few times. It's hard though, because the internet where ever he is sucks, and there is a delay. We mostly email and skype IM. I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've been sick, so that makes it hard to stay super busy. I just mostly want to lay in bed and watch tv. And I don't know if it's because of the deployment or the illness. It could be both.

I've been missing my son lately too. It has been almost 5 months since I got an update, and I'm hoping I get one soon. It's suppose to be every 6 months, so I'm hoping for May. I know every time around the time I'm suppose to get an update I get upset, and think they won't send one, but I think that's just a fear all birth parents in semi-open adoption have. It's natural, if you think about it. Especially if it's been a while, I know for me, it's kind of like, did they forget about me, do they know it's time, I just hate the not knowing. And I hate not having control. I also hate the fact that they didn't acknowledge the package I sent them. A simple thank you note would be nice, or a little note saying they got it. I don't think they need to thank me for it. But just let me know you got it. Let me know you liked it, or let me know if he enjoyed the book I sent. I got the book for free, and I want to know that they use it, that they read it to him, and that I didn't win the book for nothing, that it could have gone to someone else, who would have used it. I guess I may never know, but I hope they at least tell me in the next update.

My Adoption Story part 2

Since it's a new year I thought I'd catch up my adoption story, from where I left it off last time, which you can read here.

I left off with the good-bye, which was Dec. 11 2008, a day after he was born. I have not seen or held him since Dec. 11 2008. I get pictures and a letter about how he's doing, but that is NOT the same as seeing him and holding him, I don't care who you are, that just doesn't compare.

I couldn't leave the hospital for another day or two since I had gestational diabetes and a c-section. So the night he left was worse than the night he was born. I think because I knew he was no longer in the same place, that he was no longer just down the hall in another room in the hospital. I don't remember the rest of the time I was in the hospital, or leaving. I think I blocked the time out. Every day after that for about a week or two was just a blur. The next day I really remember is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I know I cried myself to sleep a lot the first month or so, but I really remember Christmas and how I pleaded with God to somehow let me have my son. My heart and arms felt empty. I felt empty.

Around January of 2009 I wasn't doing well, emotionally, mentally. I tried to go back to work, but the next day I was admitted into the local mental facility. I spent almost 2 weeks there, we changed my medicines, and I attended all the groups and classes they offered. I learned how to deal with my grief and how to cope. As much as I hated going, and as much as I did not want to go, I'm so thankful that I went. By Feb. 2009 I was doing the out patient program, so I could work, and I was no longer working with the children at the after care program. I knew that I just wasn't going to get better if I worked with children, they reminded me of what I would miss out on. I started working with my dad, filling in for his bosses daughter, and I was suppose to go full time after his daughter got back.

A few months after his birth he got acid reflux really bad. The doctors thought it was just that. But his parents kept pushing. The mom's mom was getting sick, and they moved up the date they were moving so they could go be with her, and help with her. As soon as they moved they got him into see a new doctor, and she quickly put him in the hospital for some tests, I think they changed doctors another time, and finally found out what was wrong with him. The doctor said that this was something that should have been found earlier, and that he had not seen a case this bad in a very long time. What had happened is that his stomach wasn't emptying fast enough, and because of this, a piece of skin grew over the opening. They did a procedure and fixed the problem, and he was good as new! About a month after the surgery the doctor who performed it was in a fatal car accident. I'm not sure if I wrote about how God worked in the adoption in part 1, but this was just another way of seeing just how much God was working in this situation. Even though her mom passed away shortly after they moved there, God moved them there just in time to find out the real problem with him and someone who could fix the problem. Just one more sign that God was ALL over the adoption! (And if I haven't written about that before, let me know and I will write about it...)

While all that was going on with him, I started dating a guy I met through a friend I met in the mental facility, which was a really bad idea, he was really no good for me, and it didn't last long, thankfully. A few weeks later I met another guy online. When I was pregnant a friend of mine told me about okcupid.com, a free dating site, which I joined for fun, there were a lot of quizzes you could take, and a blog you could write on. I had met a few guys there, and dated one or two, but this guy I met late Feb. 2009 was different. Neither one of us was looking for a serious relationship, I was still dealing with my feelings, and trying to find out what I wanted to do. And he was about to graduate from college, commission into the Army and move to Hawaii. We met for the first time the last weekend of March, and what was suppose to be just a day or two turned into the whole weekend. We hit it off right away. And by the time he left, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He spent tons of gas money coming to Chattanooga to see me, and I would drive to him. In May he graduated from college, and commissioned, and shortly after that he went to Fort Benning, GA for training. We were use to not seeing each other every day, but we spent every weekend in his home town, because he wasn't able to come farther. Then he went off to Oklahoma for the rest of his training. I went for a week while he was there, but that turned into a month, and then ended up having to go back. In August we got engaged, and had set the date for Nov. 14, 2009, but due to his not having enough leave, we had to move it up 2 weeks, which was Oct. 31. We drove home from Oklahoma just in time for our wedding (Oct 29), and went to Atlanta for our honeymoon for a few days, and drove to Chattanooga to pack ALL my things and move them to his grandparent's house for pack out. He left for Hawaii Nov. 7, and I had to wait to come until I was on his orders. I left for Hawaii on Dec. 5, just 5 days before my son's 1st birthday. And now we are getting ready for our first deployment. My husband will be gone 12 months, but since we've been in Hawaii he's been gone twice now, and will leave again for another month soon, and every time I've been fine. I know I will be just fine once he leaves for good. I'm so glad to know that I will be okay, it's such a good feeling. The training that has taken him away for a month twice, and almost a third time, isn't just training for the soldiers, but for the wives/husbands as well.

I've gotten 3 updates since moving to Hawaii, 1 of which my dad had to send me because they sent it to his house before they got my new address. I've been here for 2 birthdays now, 2 Christmases, 1 Mother's Day. I'm so thankful that I found my husband when I did. He's been great. He's completely understanding of my feelings, and is just all around supportive. Sure there are times he doesn't understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling that way, but we've been so open with one another, that he'll just give me space, and I give him space. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but not every relationship is roses and candy canes. We've had our ups and downs.

I struggle with the adoption, just in different ways. It's always on my mind, but it isn't something that stops me from doing day to day things. And I'm no longer really really sad about the whole thing. There are times when I wish for more contact, and when I wish I could hold him and hug him and love on him. But the letters and pictures I get, even though they're so far apart from each other, help me to see just how good he's doing, and how happy he is.

And that is my adoption story up to this point....

Almost 2 years Already?!

Well, the whole blog everyday for Adoption Awareness was kinda shot to hell, oops...it happens, so I guess I'll just share the update I got, well, highlights, I don't post pictures of my son, the ones they send me are theirs, and they didn't give me permission to share them, and the only ones I share them with are family and very close friends. But I will share some things they shared with me.

He's almost 2 years old....he'll be 2 Dec 10...
-He has a great sense of humor, and is starting to get a 2 y/o attitude
-He's a tattletale - whenever his older brother does something wrong he runs and tells their mom
-He loves to dance, and has great rhythm
-He sleeps with a train or a car every night
-He LOVES candy, and was a doctor for Halloween
-He knows about 20 sign language signs
-He can say a handful of words and sentences, he has a physical therapist to help with his speech
-He is quite the little traveler still, they travel a lot, the last update I got they had gone to visit Chattanooga, and there were pictures of him at the park and children't museum.
-They've been to the beach several times, and they sent a picture of him and his brother sitting looking out to the ocean with the older brother's arm around him, it is precious! And then one of my son laying in the sand, it looks almost professional.
-There were some really great pictures, and I have a few favorites, there is one of him with a tootsie roll and he's got this expression of joy and hyperness, ha!
-He is such a ham, and every picture shows his personality so well. It is amazing to see how he's changed, and how big he's gotten.

It's really hard to believe that it will be 2 years soon. And with the happiness of getting this update, there is sadness that I have to wait 6 months to get more. I have to go get his ornament and I'm going to get some baby pictures of me made so I can send them, I've been meaning to do that for a while, I'm also going to send some wedding pictures. Along with a little letter and I got this really cute card for his birthday too.

25 years old and a sprained ankle in Maui

So Saturday was my birthday, the big 2-5! It was great, the LT got me a pearl necklace, on top of the Maui trip, it was an impromptu gift, seeing as we were walking around this little town and they had this shop where you picked an oyster from a bowl of water and blessed it and then they opened it for you, and there was a HUGE pearl in it, and then I got to pick a charm to go with it!

And then the next day, which was my actual birthday, we went driving the Road to Hana, it took us 9 hours to do the whole road, and it was like one lane roads that were two way, and not enough room for 2 cars to drive, several unpaved roads, and a million curves, but the waterfalls were amazing, and some of the stuff we saw was great too...but this next picture explains it all....

So this is what happens when I lose my footing on gravel. We were going to go down to a Black Sand Beach, and well, BAM, I fell on my ass, and I cut my foot up and sprained it and even cut my right forearm pretty bad too....

And my husband is the best, and went and took a pic of the flavors they had and showed me, and even got me a bag of ice, I got Watermelon, Cherry and Strawberry....

It was the best ever, and I even got another one on Sunday at the aquarium! How exciting, I love me some shaved ice. It was so good!

I rode around the aquarium and air port in style, in a wheel chair, I felt special, but going through security with a wheel chair and crutches is NO BUENO, and SLOW...and word of advice, if you have a GPS and you have the case that can go on the car dash, put it in your checked bag because they'll test it because the sand or whatever looks like a bomb...

I've got a sprained ankle, if you couldn't tell from the picture, but I also have a bone fragment in a ligament or something, so I have to see an orthopedic, and I also have to get a new license, since my license expired Saturday, on my 25th birthday....which just happened to be the same day I sprained my ankle, ugh....and the LT is working, and we have to find time to get my license, and he has to take my to the dentist if we can't do it before Thursday, and so I'm pretty stressed, but I had a great vacay and birthday, and I think I will NEVER forget it!

Vacay All I Ever Wanted

So, it's about 2 weeks until my 25th birthday, yikes, how sad. But less than 2 weeks til we go to Maui! (Hence the title)

Things here are going, slowly, but going. I wish I could just snap fingers and have the house in order, or the laundry done, or the kitchen clean. I'm seriously ready to be settled, but yet, I can't get the energy or motivation to do it. I look at things, and say, oh I wish that were this way, and I also think, oh I think I could do this with that, but I don't, it's like I'm not capable. Something in me just can't do it. I'd say maybe the vacay will help me find my motivation. Or getting ready for it will. I know things need to be clean before we leave, so we don't get infested with bugs, but at the same time, I just don't want to. No motivation = a messy messy house. And this isn't the first time this has been a problem. Growing up I never cleaned. I hated it. And another thing that would happen is I would start going through something, and cleaning it out or what not, and I'd get side tracked with something in it. Like one time in High School or something, I came across love notes from an ex-boyfriend, and I decided to rip them up in tiny tiny pieces, and then place them in a candle glass holder and burn them, in my room, with no window open. My mother thought the house was burning down. But, I wanted to get rid of those things, and I thought fire would work. Apparently, I've never been very smart. HA!

So we're getting ready for a ton of stuff, aside from the vacay, there is nothing else FUN going on, but stuff that has to be done. Like 2 trips to the Big Island for the LT for a few weeks each time, where I'll be alone. Which kind of helps prepare for the whole him being gone for a year. It still sucks. But it helps to remember that this time apart is time he needs to be prepared for the deployment, and he needs this more than I need him at home. I'd much rather him go on the deployment with as much training as possible than going with none and ending up hurt. I think a few weeks here and there are better than living my life with out him. And it's how I need to think about this to get through it. It might not be a good way, but it's mine, and I like it. If it upsets some, then BLAH...I'm sure it will. Because I've been doing that a lot lately. And for that I just say I'm sorry and I didn't mean to.

I really am trying to be better about this whole blogging thing, but it kind of goes along with the house work/unpacking thing. I just can't seem to do it. I don't feel like I have anything to say, and I feel like whenever I do talk it upsets someone. And everyone knows how that makes me feel. I hate it. And I don't mean to, I'm just honest, and I say what I mean. I don't feel like sugar coating anything, and I'm just not going to walk on egg shells any more. But I do try to watch what I say, and think before I say it.

So, I have some catching up to do in the blog world, and I've tried to visit everyone, and if I don't leave a comment it doesn't mean that I haven't read, just that I can't think of anything to say.

18 Months

If you would have told me 18 months ago that I would be married and living in Hawaii, I probably would have laughed at you and told you that you were out of your mind. Little did I know, HA!

So I think Tuesday (June 1) I got my 18 month update!! I was anixiously awaiting it, checking the mail box every day with baited breath, and was EXCITED to see it! And it was HUGE - a 7 page letter and 29 pictures!!!

I'm not going to post the pictures, because well, this is a public blog, but I will just tell you that he is growing like a weed and gaining weight like a champ!

Some high lights from the letter:
- he is 25lbs 13oz which is a BIG difference from before he had surgery to fix his tummy issues.
- he's only 18 months old but he has a bigger testimony than most; was diagnoised with acid reflux which was just a side effect of what was really wrong, moved and found a new doctor who found the real problem, did surgery and then a month or so later that doctor was in a car wreck and passed, I mean, WOW...)
- he's just like his momma was when she was little - ear infections a lot, but unlike me, he had to have tubes, and has only had 1 infection since!!
- he has asthma and takes oral steriods and breathing treatments, but is doing well!
- he LOVES to dance, and apparently has his own little dance and great rythme (he doesn't get that from me, but I do love music!)
- he is a little traveler! (been to TN, GA, LA, FL, and a few others)
- he has 12 teeth (as of the letter)
- he and his older brother got matching PJ's for Christmas, and saw Santa, and they both LOVED him!
- he had a blast eating birthday cake! (there is a picture of his face covered in cake! adorable)
- he loves to show off his belly, and there were quite a few belly pics, let me just say, he's got the cutest tummy!
- he's doing really well in every area (including conegtive) except walking and talking - but he learned to stand on his own!
- he knows some sign language, but loves to point and say "uh uh" more!
- he makes the funniest faces too!!

That is just a few things. There really was SO much info in the letter, and I just soaked it up like a sponge, and I've read it like 4 or 5 times, and looked at the pictures over and over and over!!

I still don't really see me in him, all I see is the sperm donor, but reading about him makes me know he's MY son! And I'm sure if I would compare his pictures to my baby pictures I'm sure I'd see me. But I don't know where those are, ha!

Hope all is well with ya'll, sorry for the lack of posts. I just hadn't felt up to posting. But I will try to do better.

Don't Know How to Bring it Up

Lately I have been so BLAH...some things are on my mind, that I don't know who to talk to about them. I'm afraid to mention it to anyone, I might bring it up tomorrow at my psych. but it's just so confusing, and I don't know if it would help or hinder.

I wish I could go into detail about what it is, but I'm just not ready. I also haven't had much to talk about lately. And I've gotten so behind on blogs, and and SIF's community that I feel so weird going back into there, but I think I need it. I think I might be able to talk to them about what is bothering me.

I think part of it is that I'm ashamed of how I got myself in the situation of having to choose between adoption and parenting that I just don't want to put it all out there because I don't want people to think ill of me. I am so scared of what people say about me behind my back, good or bad, I just hate to think people do talk about me. And I hate being in situations that make me vulnerable. I love hanging out with the people I've met here so far, but I am so scared of what they think of me, and what they'll think of me when they hear about my past. WHICH is silly because all the ones who know about my past have been nothing but NICE and LOVING and UNDERSTANDING. It all goes back to the tug of war my rational brain and irrational brain! Which is for a whole different blog post...

My Birth Story

I figured I'd participate in today's topic of Mother's Day Mania, because, well, I have a birth story. And it isn't amazing or wonderful or amazing, but it's unique, or well, not so much in the open adoption world, but it's mine, and it's great! Go see Mama M over at My Little Life to link up and see the other days of Mother's Day Mania!!

Let's start with the fact that my due date was Dec. 11, 2008, and that I had gestastional diabetes. About 2/3 through my pregnancy I switched doctors, I did not like my first doctor, he offered to adopt my son, and that was creepy. Plus he wasn't taking some of my concerns seriously and what have you. Besides, I had heard GREAT things about this midwife, and I was set on NOT doing a c-section, but that's for later, ha!

Because I had GD the midwife did not want me to go past my due date. So, with that being the case, I called the family and said, ok, well, I've had no change, but we're going to have a baby on or before Dec. 11 regardless, so you might as well come on up. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, Dec. 8, and I thought it would be nice for the adoptive mom to come with me. But I freaked out at the last minute and called a friend FREAKING OUT asking her to meet me there. God love her, she had her WHOLE family packed in the car, and took time out to come with me, she was late, but she was there. I still look back and think about how blessed I really was, I just didn't see it then, and I took things for granted, and I hate that, but it was a bad time in my life. So, anyways, by the time I got to the doctor's office I was ok, not as freaked, and ready to get some news about when the baby would come. The midwife talked with us for a while, and then did a pelvic exam, and decided that I was too small to birth a child of what she thought was a 8 1/2 lbs baby. But to make sure she wasn't wrong, she took us over to the ultra sound room, and we got to see the little guy one more time in my belly, it was very special for the adoptive mom because she had never been around to see an ultra sound, but she had all the pictures. The midwife even gave us some 3D pics, all for free, I loved it! Anways, my midwife said while in the ultra sound room, lets give it another week. You should have seen the faces on the 3 of us in that room. My eyes bugged outta my head so far I think I might have knocked her down. I was like, WOAH WOAH WOAH...you said you didn't want me to go past my due date, AND the adoptive family is already in town, and they can't just come and go as they please. So she was like, OK lets do a c-section this week. So, since my due date was Thursday, Dec. 11, I thought it would be super neat to try and have him on Dec. 10, since my birthday is July 10, and my brother's is January 10, I just thought it was fitting. All worked out and I was able to go in on Dec. 10!

So, I'm chilling at home, waiting for Wednesday, and my old doctor's nurse called to see how I was doing, because I just left, with no reason, no explanation, and so I told her I felt more comfortable with a female, and that I wanted a midwife, but that it seems silly since I'm having a c-section, so my mid wife won't be able to delievery him. So she wished me luck, and then 5 min later called me back, saying that the original doctor wanted to do my c-section. I declined polietly with the excuse that we already had every thing set up. Besides, I was afraid he would try to get my child from me, and not give it to the adoptive family, and I was not going to have that.

So, I went to the hospital for a tour, and to talk to them about the situation, and what was happening. The adoptive mom wanted to be in the room, but I didn't think it was possible, but I asked, and of course they said yes, so I told her they said yes, but that I was going to have to think about it, and let her know the morning of, because I wasn't sure I'd want her there. And the hospital set up the other OR in case I couldn't handle the baby in the same room with me, they had 2 stations set up, and were ready to do what I wanted. It was great, they were wonderful, and I don't think I could have been luckier. So the morning of the delievery, I had a few people there with me, and they waited through the c-section, and were there for me. It was awesome. I allowed the adoptive mom to witness the birth, and I even kissed him and saw him right after he was born, which I was not planning on doing, but I wouldn't change that. I have pictures of me and him, and him and my dad, who I wanted in the room with me, and of me and the adoptive mom and baby, and of adoptive mom and baby. We got lots of them.

After they wisked him away with adoptive mom, they set to work getting me all clean and ready for recovery. I didn't see my son again until the next day. If I had known then what I know now I would have wanted to spend WAY more time with him. I would have asked for alone time with him, but that wasn't what happened. And I had a room full of people when I saw him for the first time after his birth. And he didn't get to spend much time with me, I was so sad. But later that day, I went to his room and spent a few more minutes with him. I cried like a baby when I left him that time. The first night I slept alright, I asked for something to help me sleep, but I think it was an ok night because I knew he was just down the hall. The next night was horrible. Because he got to leave the hopsital, but I had to stay. And then there was the whole leaving the hospital without my son. It was so hard. The next weeks and months were so hard on me, and I got very depressed, but that is for another time. This is suppose to be about his birth. And so that is how my son entered the world.

He weighed 7lbs 9 oz., was 20 3/4 in long and was born at 10:02am

He weighed a lot less than what they thought he would, but that's ok, I wouldn't have changed anything about how he got here. And he actually only weighed 1 oz less than I did when I was born. I remember how much I weighed because it was the same as my birthday, 7/10, ha!

WOW

I merely reposted the Adoption Awareness graphics so that the few new readers who have been touched by adoption could see them and snag them. I never imagined it would generate new readers or commenter's. I am in AWE! As I said on Twitter the other day "Is in awe of all the love I've gotten from reposting the adoption awareness graphics. I didn't expect that. Or do it for the attention. Thnx" I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. Wow, I really needed it. I have been having a very rough few days. And I'll get into them, after I post this picture of how I am thinking about getting my hair cut on Friday, it might be a little longer and definitely won't be blonde, hahaha


Ok, now back to how I've been feeling lately. I think that since it has been 4 months since I got an update that I am just feeling SO upset and unsure about things. I don't have a recent photo of him, I don't even have a picture from his first birthday because they sent my 1 year update before his birthday. I just don't know how I feel about it. I should be getting one in 2 months. Now that he's 1 it'll be every 6 months. And when he turns 4 it'll be yearly. I'm trying not to be picky, or selfish, and I'm so grateful that they do provide updates, but I would love more frequent ones, at least until he's a little older. The first few years they change so much, and he was so behind in things because of his illness. Like when I got my 1 year update, he hadn't started walking yet, and he was just Army crawling. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much, and I know it was my decision to give him a better life, but a part of me just misses him more than anything. I think all these feelings are normal, and I'm sure they are. But they still hurt and stink.

Apparently some people where afraid I would try to get him back once Steven and I married. Well, they're just stupid, that is not even possible. Even if we had all the money in the world, no judge would ever take a child from the home they've known for so long. Unless there was something going on inside that home, that was deemed unfit for a child. But he is in a loving and caring, stable environment. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about what could be if I had met Steven sooner, or that it would be nice to raise my son with him. BUT that is not possible, and it definitely isn't in the best interest of my son. I don't regret my decision, and I don't wish I could change it. And for people to think that and not bring those fears to me is just stupid. And they should just leave well enough alone. I was really pissed off when I heard that. And I have no idea who all said it. But they are in no position to judge or tell me how to live or what to do. I hope they read this and realize how retarded they were for even thinking something like that. I hope they read this and see how much pain that caused me, and realize the stupidity of it. I mean, seriously. Someone I talked to about it, said they probably thought that because I refer to him as "my son" well, I'm here to tell you that no matter what I call him, they would probably still think that. And no matter what I call him it won't change the fact that he is MY SON, I carried him for 9 months, he is HALF me...just because I'm not parenting doesn't mean he is less my son or isn't my son. And just because I refer to him as my son doesn't mean that I'm not moving on or I'm living in the past. I think I've come a long way in the past 16 months.

I don't feel like I should justify things, or explain myself, but I do. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like I owe people an explanation, I don't feel like they deserve one. I don't know them well enough to think I need to explain things to them. I certainly wouldn't expect the same from them, if the roles were reversed. I realize that my situation is kind of scary for some people, and that people walk on egg shells around me, with things they say or do. But I think they should stop. If you feel the need to talk about me behind my back, then you should be able to say it to my face. I've always hated confrontation, but finding things out just hurts all the more, and makes me hate to be in group settings, or have friends, because I'm always worried they're talking about me when I'm not there. And crap like that just feeds on that fear. Makes it more real. I'm flattered that they think about me all the time, but at the same time, it's like, move on with your life. Your life isn't perfect, far from it. So concentrate on yourself, and I'll concentrate on me. KTHNXBYE....

There are so many people around here pregnant, especially in our Battalion, because they just got back from Iraq at the end of last year, so all deployment babies. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset seeing all the pregnant ladies and new borns. I am extremely happy for everyone who is expecting, don't take my being upset as unhappy for them, because I am super happy for them, but I just have baby fever pretty bad. My uterus tugs, and pulls and I just get this urge to have a baby. But we are waiting. I keep telling people, we rushed everything else, this is one thing where we can take our time! I mean, we've only been married 6 months this month, and have known each other 1 year, so we need time. Time to enjoy one another, and find our groove. I'm in no way prepared for a child, and I'm in way ready to get pregnant, but when you are surrounded by several pregnant woman, it's hard not to want to have one! Ha!

Ok, well, this is long enough, let me know what ya'll think about the hair cut, and I'll post pictures when I get it done! Again, I appreciate all the link love ya'll gave me from the repost I did, it meant the world to me!!

New look

Someone on the Blog Frog Community I frequent posted a link to this awesome site that has FREE blog templates for Blogger! I love the layouts and templates. They are super cute! I haven't looked at the prices for the customizable stuff but I'm sure it is pretty fairly priced.

I also went back to the original editor so I have spell check. That was one thing that was annoying to me. I like to be able to check my spelling, because I'm a horrible speller. And I always feel stupid when I do misspell a word. I'm an educated person, I should know how to spell. But I don't, ha! Oh well...I'm not a fan of this editor, but I like having a spell check. Am I just retarded and don't know where the spell check is on the new editor, or is there really no spell check?

"My son" vs. "the baby"

So last week I was talking with a lady who I admire and look up to. Not only as a wife but as a Christian and mother. So when this topic was brought up I listened and took it into consideration. I even prayed about it and talked to a close friend about it. And also remember I'm human and might have misunderstood what she was trying to say and it happened over a week ago so its a bit foggy.
The lady, we will call her Q because well 'Q' is a left out letter I think (along with 'X' and 'Z' but I'm getting off topic, ha). Ok so Q said that calling my son just that, 'my son' I was not distancing myself enough away from the situation and that in order to move on I should use some generic term like 'the baby' or whatever. Now before you go saying what does she know or how does she figure, believe me when I say she knows. And for privacy reasons and what have you I can't divulged that info. So here we go, she also said to think about it and not stop just because she said to. I am a logical person and realize different people cope in different ways. And she reminded me of that because she mentioned that what works for one won't work for others. Which is totally true. I mean, really. I honestly can sit(lay) here and tell you I have been thinking and praying over this issue since last Tuesday. And I think I'm finally able to publicly say that no matter what I call my son he will always be just that, my son.
His last name might be different and I might not be there for every little thing but he is half me. He carries on my mom and dads genetics. Not his adoptive parents genetics. Mine. And I don't think changing what I call him will make my life any different. He is who he is. Just like I am who I am. (popeye just popped in my head 'I yams what I yams' ha) ok so now that it is almost 2 hours since we laid down and the hubs is sound asleep on my shoulder while I write this on my phone, I think its ok for me to go to sleep. It feels good to not be fighting this alone...I guess, or whatever. I'm super sleepy now and making no sense. So its my cue to stop this post right now. So good night or good morning.
Amanda
(I'm praying this works since I'm emailing it to blogger from my phone, eeep)

Labels

I went through my past posts, and put labels. However, you can't see what they are on my site for each posts. Even though I have the settings to show it under the time stamp and what not. So who knows. Maybe it'll show up when I change my layout. But I'm not sure when that will be because I really like this one right now.

In other news, I have a post I have been working on for some time. Guess what it's about. Writers block/Creative block....go figure, no wonder I'm still working on it! HA!

My Adoption Story part 1

It just occured to me that I had not posted my adoption story. So here it goes...

I think I found out I was pregnant in March or April of 2008. My best friend and I were hanging out, like we normally did. We were talking and some how we got on the topic of pregnancy. She asked me some questions, I answered, and she was like, you're pregnant. I was like, whatever, NO. So we went to the drug store and bought a test. I took it, instant positive. I was like, WTH, so we went back and bought 2 more. I took a second one at her house again, positive...I ended up staying there that night, and decided that in the morning I would take another one. Freaking positive again...crap. I had called the guy who I thought was the father and told him. He made up some bull about how he couldn't be the father because he had a low sperm count, that he had it tested for a gay friend who wanted him to be a sperm donor...YEA RIGHT...at the time I was not sure if he was the father or if it was the guy before him. The dates were too close at the time. Well, about a week later I guess, I told my father. I went to the doctor, and found out about how far along I was, and knew right away that the guy I had called that weekend was in fact the father. Only problem is he denied it up and down.

I think every woman thinks they are going to parent when they first find out they are pregnant. I know I did. But then I thought about my options. Abortion was NOT an option for me. I knew a couple when I went to school who had a few miscarriages and how I thought they would make great parents. That is when the adoption plan came to theory. I e-mailed my friend, and told her what was up. We talked, they decided to pray it over and give me an answer when they got back from a mission trip. They knew God would let them know while there. And sure enough, they got the answer. She called me shortly after the trip, and told me they were honored, but that God wasn't leading them in that direction at the time. She mentioned another couple I knew, who I will bring up in a bit. I don't know if most of you knew that the people you asked to raise your child were going to say yes or no. I knew they were going to say no. So it wasn't a big surprise. And I don't think it affected our relationship at all.

Well, another good friend of mine had mentioned the same couple to me at another time. The first 16 weeks of my pregnancy were ROUGH, in and out of the hospital for dehydration and not being able to eat. Well, the last time I was in the hosptial (before I had him) a friend was having surgery and was going to come out of it not able to have children. I knew they wanted to adopt at some point. They had mentioned it to me before I got pregnant. But their plan was to have 2 of their own and then adopt. Well, they had 1 bio child  when they found out they couldn't have another. I had thought about them, but I knew that her hormones were all over the place and I didn't know if she could handle the adoption, and this that and the other. Well, after 2 people said "hey have you thought about so and so" I had to start praying about it. At the same time the mom had been emailing me and asking me questions, and I honestly dont remember how she found out I was pregnant, or how I told her. But one email she asked for me number. I thought it was really odd. But gave it to her anyways. A few days or a week or so later she called me and asked if they could pray about adopting my son. I said yes, and told her how 2 other people had mentioned them. A few months later they were going to a wedding out of state and were going to be coming through Chattanooga. They stopped for the weekend and took me to dinner and told me that they were in fact interested in adopting my son. Like I knew with the first couple, I knew they were going to say yes, and that I had in fact found the parents of my son. We kept in contact through email and phone calls. I sent them the ultra sound pictures in the mail after the appiontments, and we got a lawyer who could do out of state adoptions. I met with him and signed the papers I could sign before the birth and read over the ones I'd sign after the birth. We talked about how open we wanted it, and how we would handle things. Things kind of got swept under the rug when it came to that aspect, and it wasn't until after the birth I stepped up and said I wanted more communication. (but again, that's for later...)

I had gestational diabetes, and so the doctor did not want me to go past my due date. So the week I was due the mother came up to Chattanooga. She went to my last appointment with me and we set up the c-section for Wednesday (my appt was on Monday). I was unsure of whether I wanted the mom in the OR with me or not, and had told her that I would let her know the day of the birth. I knew it would mean a lot to her, but I just wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it. She got to witness the birth. So I let her come in. I got to see my baby boy right after he was born and love on him a little...seeing as I was still on the table...HA! They took him to get tested and what not, she went with him and stayed with him for the rest of the stay. The nurses at the hospital were super nice and had set up the OR next to mine in case I wouldn't be able to handle him in the same room with me. Our original plan was for me to NOT see him until the next day. And I really only saw him right after he was born. And didn't see him again until the next day. I got to spend some time with him, and hold him and love him and tell him how much I loved him. He was doing really well so they let him go "home" that day as well. The parents had to stay in Chattanooga for a short time, not sure of why, but it had to do with paper work and stuff. I had 10 days after signing to change my mind, which I wasn't going to do, but the law and stuff...it was so hard to say good bye. I cried my eyes out when I handed him to her. I remember hugging her and telling her how thankful I was for her. And how I knew my son was in good hands.

I think this is where I'm going to leave it for now. I'm tired, and this is long enough.