Preparation

So, I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for 3 years now, I’m not ashamed of that, and most people know that. I started them the day my son was born. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened had I not done that. Seeing as I had post partum, on top of the emotions of the adoption. It took a few tries to get the right combo, and once I got to Hawaii, it took 3 psychiatrists, but we finally got it, just a few months before my husband left for Afghanistan! So, now I’m doing really well, and feeling really great. Sure I have some moments, but I chalk that up to being “normal.”

Well, a few weeks ago I talked with my psychiatrists about getting off my anti-depressants (I’m was on 2) so that when the husband gets home we can start trying for kids. The anti-anxiety med is mostly used at night for RLS, and is okay to take when pregnant. So I’m not worried about that one. So last month I started tapering off one. And this week I talked with my psychiatrist again about the other one. The one I’m still on is a little trickier to tapper off, but we’re going to do it slowly, and with his assistance. We’re going this one in 2 steps, as opposed to 1 like the other one. I’m taking half of a pill for now, and when I go back to see the psychiatrist we will half that dose, and then from there stop it altogether.

We’ve done research, and we know that there isn’t that much out there about the medicines I was/am on doing any damage during pregnancy. But I would feel better if I’m off them. But wouldn’t be angry if I have to be on one of them. Because I’m doing fine without the other. We’ll see how I do off the other one. My psychiatrist said that it I might not feel any different off this one right away, so we’re going to see how I do.

I’m excited to start this new chapter, and I’m excited for my husband to be home. It’s been one hell of a year. So here’s to baby making! Well, let’s get my husband home first! HA!

Oh and I’m done with therapy! I had my last session this week! She said I’m doing so well that we really have no more to do!!!

Love is sacrifice

A friend posted about the difference between “Love” and “In Love,” and her definition of “Love” really hit home for me, and I’m sure it will hit home for everyone. But it really hit home in defining my decision to place.

Here is what she said: “Ok, so love is active: we do it.  I feel love is an attitude that chooses what is best for another person, rather than what is easiest or most pleasurable for us.  Love is sacrifice. Love is a choice.  Loving someone (truly loving a person) usually lasts a lifetime. You grow to love someone for who they are and accept them for that.”

The phrase that came out of my mouth over and over when explaining my reasoning, and even now, 3 years later, as I tell my story, is that I wanted to do what was best for my son. It wasn’t until I had made the decision and was okay with the decision that I started to think of myself, and realize that even though it’s natural for a woman, a mother more specifically, to want to raise their children, I knew that this adoption was best for me too. As much as I wanted to raise him, I knew that it was not the best thing for me either.

And if you think placing him was easy, think again, placing him wasn’t easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t pleasurable either, it was actually quite the opposite. Like I said, it’s not natural for a mother to not parent. It isn’t natural for a mother to leave the hospital empty handed.

No matter how much I tried to NOT attach myself to him, it happened. And when I realized that it had happened, it hit me super hard.

When people say that they couldn’t believe they could love someone they’d never met so much, they’re not lying. And I couldn’t believe how much I loved him, even when I tried so hard to NOT attach myself. It’s inevitable.

Updates & his birthday

I know this is kind of late, but better late than never!!!

I’ve gotten several emails and even a letter in the mail from my son’s adoptive mother. My first email was on his birthday, and it just made that day so much more special. She sent some family pictures they had done, and they were really cute!

Then a few weeks later she sent some more. Just pictures from life, and the last 6 months. I so enjoyed seeing them. And then this week she sent pictures from their birthday and Christmas.

I can’t get over how TALL he is and how much he is looking like a child and not a baby or toddler. And I can’t help but see his birth father in him. The poor kid has the guys hairline.

He’s doing really well though. He’s growing and developing. He’s right on target. Which is quite amazing since he had a rough first 6-8 months of life. He’s come a long way. And it is so wonderful to see him doing well.

On his birthday, I was hanging out with my friends, and decided it would be a great idea to get a cake, and celebrate his birthday. So we went to see Arthur Christmas and then went to Chili’s for drinks and dinner.

3 Years

It’s hard to believe that I went to bed 3 years ago with my son with me, and then woke up to go deliver him, and give him to his adoptive family.

That was a rough night, I was anxious about everything, but I was so ready to be done with the pregnancy, that I don’t think it really sunk in as to what I was really doing.

I knew I was going to go through with it, I never once questioned that. I didn’t necessarily want to give him to the adoptive family, but I knew that keeping him was not what was best for him, or myself.

The first few nights after the birth and placement were pretty rough. It didn’t dawn on me until after how much of an impact this had all taken on me, or would have taken on me. And it hit like a ton of bricks.

You know how people who have gone through a loss, especially an infant loss (or adoption), say that they wake up thinking they heard a baby? That didn’t really happen to me, it was more of an emptiness. I’d wake up feeling empty. My arms felt empty, my womb felt empty. I’d find myself rocking myself to sleep. Crying until I could no longer cry.

I’m just so glad that I’m not there, at that point any more. I miss him like crazy, and I think of him EVERY DAY! But I’m happy with my decision, and my life. I really wouldn’t want to change a thing. And I think that says a lot about where I’m at.

So happy birthday son. I love you and miss you so much!

National Adoption Day

Whoops, I forgot that yesterday was National Adoption Day, I was just so busy yesterday…I didn’t even get on the computer…

Every day to me is adoption day, honestly there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about adoption and how it’s affected my life and my son’s.

It’s such a blessing, for all sides of the triad. It gives hope to all sides.

It gives hope to the birthmother who doesn’t know how she’s going to raise a child alone, or who just doesn’t want to raise a child. It gives hope to the adoptive parents, who have probably been through hell and back to try and have kids of their own, and who have probably done countless tries of IVF and who have might have been waiting for a child through adoption for years, and then one sweet day, they finally get their miracle. It’s hope for the children of adoption, they’re given a better life. And that is something to celebrate…

Sinking

I feel myself sinking…slowing drifting into depression. Into the darkness.

This holiday season is fast approaching, and with that comes the 3rd birthday of my son, and the emptiness that I sometimes feel when it comes to him. It’s just not natural to carry a child for 9 months and give birth to a baby, and then proceed to go home empty handed and spend the rest of your life without them. I remember the first few weeks, luckily I never woke up in a panic thinking I heard him or afraid I’d miss a feeding. But I did feel empty, my arms felt empty. I’d rock myself to sleep, instead of an infant, because it felt so weird to be going to bed without him. I would cry myself to sleep, begging God to bring him back. Knowing that he was better off with his new family, and that I’d be better in time. Knowing that I did what was best for everyone involved. I gave the best gift to a family who could no longer have children, and I gave the best gift to my son - a mother, father and brother, 2 of those things I couldn’t give him, well, the brother part is something I could have eventually, but the dad part, sure I could have met someone to take the roll, but that void would have still been there, and he deserved to have a father, a loving father, a Godly father.  He will always know how much he is loved, and wanted.

But another reason I’m starting to feel a little depressed is because this will be the 1st Christmas without my husband home. It won’t be our first Thanksgiving apart, we spent our first Thanksgiving apart, and granted the circumstances are totally different, as he was in Hawaii and I was still home, it still stunk. But at least we got to spend last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I’m going home to the mainland for Christmas. I’m not too excited about the traveling, but I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family. But it’s not going to be the same. By all accounts we’re lucky to have spent 2 Christmases in a row together, but it doesn’t make the fact that we’re not together any easier. And I just feel so bad for him, because he’s all alone, and I’ll be with friends and family…

I put on a good front for people, on the outside I look great, but inside, I’m slowly creeping inside myself. I know I have friends who won’t let that happen, and I’m so incredibly lucky.

So, to my friends and family, thanks in advanced. I love ya’ll more than anything!

Surprise

I was going through my reading list on blogger, and I saw my picture, I was like, uh, what, and then I remembered that a few months ago, Monika from BirthMom Buds Blog contacted me to be the spotlight blogger! And she told me that it would run on Oct 14, which is today, and I forgot, even though I knew it would happen, I just forgot…so go here and check it out, it’s just another little part of my story and journey as a birthmom.

Needs and Wants

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye Hardwick

This quote is from Birthmom Buds and it is just something that is so true.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I really feel like God wants me to be a mother, to raise children. But I know that the timing was off. I knew that what I had to offer a child at the time was not going to give my son everything he NEEDED, not so much what he wants, but what he needs. Sure I could have given him those things, but at what cost. Welfare and WIC and Foodstamps, crappy healthcare and even crappier childcare. Now, I’m not knocking those things, because I know that they’re needed, but those are temporary solutions to your problems, they’re not something that should be used long term. At least, in my opinion. I was on WIC when I was pregnant, so I’m really NOT against these programs. But I was only on it while I was pregnant, and then never went back on it. I was also drawing unemployment at one point, but that is temporary as well.

My son now has a roof, food, clothes, and two loving parents, and an awesome big brother. All of which I couldn’t really provide. Sure I had a roof and food and clothes, but what kind of childhood would he have had if I had raised him. He wouldn’t have known his father, as he didn’t want anything to do with him, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t force the guy to even pay child support, let alone force him to see the kid he didn’t want anything to do with.

It didn’t seem like a healthy choice for my son, battling it out in court with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him, and forcing this guy to pay for a child he wanted nothing to do with. I just can’t imagine the negative effects that would have had on him later in life.

I’m sure my son will have problems later in life, issues with the adoption, but I’d hope he’d realize that what I did, I did for him, and to give him a better life. And as much crap as I give the birthfather, I do hope that one day he comes around and realizes that this amazing little boy is his son, and will want to know him.

And I hope my son can see that I really did put his needs over my wants, because I really still feel like I did, to this day. I have no regrets about giving him a better life. And in turn, I gave myself a better life as well.

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

Officially Suck

I officially suck at blogging. I mean, hell, it’s almost been 2 months…

Not much is going on here, I’m super busy working and hanging out with friends. It sure does make the time go by so much faster.

I’m actually off work for a week or two, they’re on the mainland. So I’m catching up on sleep, and chores. But mostly sleep. I’ll try to catch up on blogging too.

Saturday will be 6 months down, 6 months to go in the deployment front. And the hubby sent me these wonderfully beautiful flowers to “celebrate” making it halfway through the deployment.

I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot lately too. But seeing as he’ll be 3 in a few months, he’s not so much a baby anymore is he…it’s so hard to imagine that it’ll be 3 years in December. I mean, it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.

I still miss him a lot, and I’m sure I will miss him for the rest of my life. Which I’m sure some people just don’t understand, because I don’t understand…I don’t know how I can miss him when I never really knew him or had him, you know. So it doesn’t make much sense that I miss him. But I guess, that’s just the miracle of childbirth, you carry this thing around with you for 9 months, and even though you try like hell not to get attached, you end up attached.

So Big

I got a few pictures in my email, as part of my update. They're from his bday party in December. He's so big, I can't even imagine how big he is now...I'm sure even bigger then the Dec pictures.

He looks happy. And that makes me happy. It makes my decision easier to cope with. Not that he might be unhappy had I kept him. But just that it helps solidify that I did what was best. I'm looking forward to more pictures and a letter. Ya'll just don't know how much these things mean to me...

posted from Bloggeroid

Waiting pays off

So I haven't gotten an update yet, but I did hear from the adoptive mom, and one is on its way. She is going to email Christmas and birthday pictures and then snail mail the other pictures and a letter. Some things came up and that's why its been a while. She sent me a fb message, it was definitely a surprise, a good one. So my waiting is going to pay off...

posted from Bloggeroid

Father’s Day

So, I always tell my father and grandfather’s Happy Father’s Day, but for the most part, Father’s day for me is just any other day. I think if the sperm donor had been better to me, I might feel differently, but since he was such a jerk, and never really ever took responsibility for our son, I just don’t care for the day. And I don’t think I ever will until my husband and I  have children of our own.

Someone at one of the adoption/birthmom blogs I follow mentioned doing a birthfather’s day, like there is birthmom’s day, but for me, I don’t feel like they deserve a day. I know there are birthfather’s out there who are great guys, and who helped the birthmom out, but since that wasn’t my experience, I have no reason to want to celebrate them. I’m sure this isn’t going to be a popular outlook on it, but it’s my personal feelings, and my personal opinion, and I think I’m justified in feeling this way because of the experience I had. And if you don’t like it, then just keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

The adoptive father has done more for him in the 2 1/2 years then the sperm donor could have ever done in 18+ years. It’s sad to think about it, it’s upsetting and frustrating, and it pisses me off.

It’s not fair that he just moved on with his life, acted as if this never happened. I’m sure if you asked him if he had kids he’d say no. But here I am taking on the sperm donor’s responsibility and going on with my life the best way I know how. And trying so hard not to allow my personal feelings for this guy influence how my son will feel about him.

I don’t know what the sperm donor is doing these days, and for all we know in 10 years he could be married and a wonderful father. But for now, he’s just a dead beat sperm donor who doesn’t even deserve a blog post about him, but yet, here I am…

And if anyone has a problem with me calling him sperm donor, read above, keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

Still waiting...and Army Wife stuff

I'm still waiting for an update. But I think I'm okay with that. At least in this moment I am. And we all know how things, emotions, can change on a dime.

I usually don't talk about the Army Wife side of my life on this site since I have a blog just for it, but I'm going to talk about it today...because the emotions are the same as with the adoption, in that they change on a dime.

I went to a welcome home ceremony last night, 2 of my neighbors just got home. It was bittersweet. I almost cried as they were coming in from the busses, but I was able to get it together. I cannot wait for it to me waiting for my husband to come in from the busses.

We are 1/6th of the way thru this deployment. I think I like thinking of it in fractions. It makes it seem less daunting. And it makes it seem like its moving faster than say using percentages.

Anyways. I think I'm off to bed. I didn't get to sleep til 3am, and woke up at 9am...

I plan on sleeping in tomorrow.

Oh and I don't think I will ever use the computer to update my blog now that I have the Blogger app on my phone lol!!!

Waiting

I'm not sure what is going on, but I keep checking the mail daily for an update. I got the last one in November, so if I've done the math right, its been 7 months.
He's 2 1/2, so I thought it was still every 6 months. There was nothing in the last update to make me think they weren't going to send one in 6 months. I know things happen and they are probably busy. But even if you're busy, you could sit down and write a few sentences saying, hey sorry things are busy, we don't know when but we will send some pictures.
I mean, I know I didn't send an update until Jan, but I wanted to get pictures and stuff put together, and I was kind of hoping for a short update after his birthday and Christmas. But I don't have a schedule to keep on. I didn't say I'd update on me, you're the ones who wanted something, and I obliged. I don't think I've over done updates, I send them after you send one. I send mothers day cards, and you don't send me one, I just don't understand. I honestly don't think I over stepped any boundaries, and I would think that since we are all adults they would let me know if I have. I wouldn't think they'd just stop updates altogether. I know its still early June. But its been 7 months...maybe they're waiting for my birthday...but why? That'll be 8 months by then.
I know I worry every time it comes time to get an update, but I've never had to wait this long. And I do feel bad, I know they don't owe me anything, but I don't feel like its too much to ask that they keep their word. And I never thought they'd be the type of people too go back on their word.
But then again, they've done some things I didn't think they ever would....(that's another issue for another day)

Birth Mother’s Day

So Saturday was Birth Mother's Day. I think I've written about it before. It's a day to remember the ones who selflessly gave a child up for adoption. I've never really actively celebrated. I usually just get a simple Happy Mother's Day on Mother's Day. But this year, I tried to go out of my way to make it special for a few of the Birth Mother's in my life.

I have never been acknowledged by the adoptive family for mother’s day. It kind of bummed me out, and it still does, I just try not to let it affect my mood. This year was no different. I got NOTHING from them for Mother’s Day. She was already a mother when they adopted the baby, but she was a mother again because of me. And I feel like they just don’t appreciate it. I am sure these feelings are normal, and are probably for nothing, but still, I have them. And I’ve never been one to push aside my feelings, or not voice them. At least on my blog, I would never tell them how I really felt because I don’t want to jeopardize the updates I am suppose to get every 6 months. Which, if my math is correct is this month. I always get so anxious waiting for them. And I’ve also gotten worried in the past that they won’t come. I’m trying really hard not to do it this time. And I think I’ve said it before, but I just hate being the person who worries and complains about things that are out of my control. It just sucks because we had such an open dialogue before the baby was born, and I honestly didn’t think it would change after, but it changed big time. They decided to unfriend me around Mother’s day after he was born. Talk about a low blow. It hurt me so much. I knew it was coming. I had a message from them a few months before telling me they were going to do it. I just didn’t think they’d wait so long, or do it around Mother’s Day. I know their reasoning behind it, and I completely understand. I just think it was wrong and rude. And because we were friends, and had such an open dialogue during the pregnancy I thought it would stay the same, so I didn’t put much in the openness agreement. In fact, I don’t really think we have one.

Anyways, this was suppose to be about Birth Mother’s Day and the controversy, I guess that can be for another day.

A Poem, A Package, and Cross Stitch

When I first saw this poem I thought it would be great to cross stitch and frame for the adoptive family. I hadn't started yet, I couldn't figure out how to do it, or what to use. Well, Hobby Lobby online had a special $2.95 shipping deal, so I figured what the heck, I'll go ahead and get the stuff. I also got some stuff for a special piece for my house, I have to get different thread for that one, as the colors I got weren't what I had in mind. Anyways,  back on track...I started putting the poem on the fabric. It is a long poem, and I think I should have gotten a wider piece, and it might take two to get the whole poem on it, but I think it will turn out well. I'll post pictures when I'm at least done with the first stanza. Maybe ya'll can tell me what you think, please be honest, let me know if it sucks. I'll post pictures tomorrow, as I'm hoping it will be somewhat done....at least the first stanza. I call it that, but I don't know what else to call them, lol....I'm using blue thread and I'm going to back stitch in black. I'm trying to think if I want to put a boarder around it or not, I haven't decided. I think it depends on how long it turns out to be, and well, yea, I'm rambling, sorry...


I did send off a package to the adoptive family. I included the book I won from Kelsey, a christmas ornament I picked up, and the main reason it was so late in going out is because I decided to include some pictures from when I was a child, and the wedding and our first year here in Hawaii, and instead of using 1 hour, I did site to store on wal mart because it was so much cheaper than 1 hour or even to have them shipped here, it would have cost more than the pictures to ship them, and call me cheap, but I wasn't going to do that when I could have them shipped to the local wal mart for free....so I picked those up, and sent them along with a birthday card, a pretty long letter and then a note explaining why it was kind of late, I mean, I have no schedule as to when to send things, but they did send one to me between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I felt bad waiting. Anyways, they should get it next week. I hope they enjoy the book as much as I did, and I can't wait to get one for myself. The ornament I got was a cute little bear that was wearing a shirt that said "I <3 Hawaii" and I think he had a surf board, I can't remember. I thought it would be neat to give him an ornament from somewhere I lived, I think next year I'll send one from Tennessee or Georgia, but I don't know. His first ornament from me was Noah's Ark, because my mom wanted to give him my Noah's Ark music box, so I thought it was something neat to do. Last years was just a sugar cookie 2 with a bear....I was going to get the 3rd one this year, but I wanted something different. I'm sure I'm putting way to much thought into his ornaments, and I am sure right now he doesn't give a rats ass about them, lol...


The hubby will be able to talk again in 6 days, I can't wait....I haven't been having a hard time with it, until lately, the last couple days. He'll be home in just 2 weeks too :) Well, a little over 2 weeks. But either way, I miss him. I've tried not to complain, and I really don't feel like stating that I miss him is complaining. But if you think it is, then know that I don't mean it that way, and if you think it is complaining you can just skip this section...




Here is the poem put to music, it is quite touching...



So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure 
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore. 
But lately I've been thinking, 
Cause it's all I've had to do. 
And in my heart I feel that I 
Should give this child to you. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.


If you choose to tell him, 
If he wants to know, 
How the one who gave him life 
Could bear to let him go. 
Just tell him there were sleepless nights, 
I prayed and paced the floors, 
And knew the only peace I'd find, 
Was if this child was yours. 

And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours. 

This may not be the answer, 
For another girl like me. 
But I'm not on a soapbox, 
Saying how we all should be. 
I'm just trusting in my feelings, 
And I'm trusting God above, 
And I'm trusting you can give this baby 
Both his mothers' love. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, 
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

The inner workings of my mind...

I find it really hard to write when things are going well for me. The last few weeks have just been good for me. Nothing special about them, just good weeks. And I'm so grateful for them.

I think I did this growing up too, I started a journal when things weren't so great, and would write in it all the time, but then, once I was feeling better, or things were going well, I'd stop. I've done that now, with the journal I started for my son. The 1st year after he was born I wrote almost every day, I filled a WHOLE journal before his 1st birthday, but now that I've gotten a second one, I haven't written much in his 2nd year of life. I feel bad, I feel guilty when I don't write to him. And I know I should write to him NOW when I'm doing well, so he can see that side of me, but it is SO hard to just sit down and write. I did write the other night. And it felt good. But I have found myself doing the same thing with my blog. I need to sit down and write down some topics I want to write about, some things that I want to discuss. I started this blog for myself, as an outlet, and then I decided to take it in a whole different direction as a tool for other's to go to for help. I want to help people with it, but I can't help people if I don't write. But I can't seem to find the motivation to write when I'm doing well.

And I'm SO thankful to be doing better, and to have been doing better for more than a week. I hope it stays, but the reality of it is that it probably won't. It never stays long. So I feel like writing in my blog or journal is going to take away from the time I have to enjoy this period of time where I am happy. Which really is stupid.

And this is pretty much what goes on inside my head on a daily basis...it's a constant dialog of gosh I hope I'm happy tomorrow; geez what's causing this; what might cause me to be unhappy; when will this end; if I take the time to write in a journal or blog I might take away from my happy time; and so on and so on....

Anyways, I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a lot more, but I am going to try to do better at blogging, I am going to write down some ideas, and go from there. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment....

What's Your Advice for Teens?

I really am over the 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom thing, but there just wasn't anything on TV, so I got sucked in, and it was the Reunion show for the 2nd season. It seems that they have someone who choices adoption in every season. Which is great, that they show the struggles, but Lori, the one from Season 2 that placed was asked what she would say to Teens, she said to choice adoption.

Well, it got me thinking about what I would tell teens/young adults...and it isn't to choice adoption, or use contraception, but instead to NOT have sex, to wait until you're married and settled. BUT that if you do decide to have sex, then be on birth control AND use condoms. No teenager and young adult is ready for the responsibility a child brings. Even if you do make an adoption plan, and follow through with it.

You might feel like you're ready to have sex, but believe me, you're not. And the guy you're with just might not be there forever. And getting pregnant isn't going to make him stay, it might even push him away. Lucky for me, I didn't feel that way, I think cutting all communication with the father, and realizing that things weren't going to work out with us helped save me a lot of heartache, a different kind of heartache, but heartache nonetheless.

If you do find yourself in a situation where you are young and pregnant, then please, think about ALL your options. And seek the counsel of someone older and wiser, and who has been in your shoes. Talk to someone who had a child young, and kept it, then talk to someone who followed through with their adoption plan, even talk to someone who had an abortion. Educate yourself. Weigh ALL your options. Don't be afraid to talk to your parents.

Do research, and don't make any rash decisions. And if you're reading this, and find yourself in this situation, please don't hesitate to contact me.

My Adoption Story part 2

Since it's a new year I thought I'd catch up my adoption story, from where I left it off last time, which you can read here.

I left off with the good-bye, which was Dec. 11 2008, a day after he was born. I have not seen or held him since Dec. 11 2008. I get pictures and a letter about how he's doing, but that is NOT the same as seeing him and holding him, I don't care who you are, that just doesn't compare.

I couldn't leave the hospital for another day or two since I had gestational diabetes and a c-section. So the night he left was worse than the night he was born. I think because I knew he was no longer in the same place, that he was no longer just down the hall in another room in the hospital. I don't remember the rest of the time I was in the hospital, or leaving. I think I blocked the time out. Every day after that for about a week or two was just a blur. The next day I really remember is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I know I cried myself to sleep a lot the first month or so, but I really remember Christmas and how I pleaded with God to somehow let me have my son. My heart and arms felt empty. I felt empty.

Around January of 2009 I wasn't doing well, emotionally, mentally. I tried to go back to work, but the next day I was admitted into the local mental facility. I spent almost 2 weeks there, we changed my medicines, and I attended all the groups and classes they offered. I learned how to deal with my grief and how to cope. As much as I hated going, and as much as I did not want to go, I'm so thankful that I went. By Feb. 2009 I was doing the out patient program, so I could work, and I was no longer working with the children at the after care program. I knew that I just wasn't going to get better if I worked with children, they reminded me of what I would miss out on. I started working with my dad, filling in for his bosses daughter, and I was suppose to go full time after his daughter got back.

A few months after his birth he got acid reflux really bad. The doctors thought it was just that. But his parents kept pushing. The mom's mom was getting sick, and they moved up the date they were moving so they could go be with her, and help with her. As soon as they moved they got him into see a new doctor, and she quickly put him in the hospital for some tests, I think they changed doctors another time, and finally found out what was wrong with him. The doctor said that this was something that should have been found earlier, and that he had not seen a case this bad in a very long time. What had happened is that his stomach wasn't emptying fast enough, and because of this, a piece of skin grew over the opening. They did a procedure and fixed the problem, and he was good as new! About a month after the surgery the doctor who performed it was in a fatal car accident. I'm not sure if I wrote about how God worked in the adoption in part 1, but this was just another way of seeing just how much God was working in this situation. Even though her mom passed away shortly after they moved there, God moved them there just in time to find out the real problem with him and someone who could fix the problem. Just one more sign that God was ALL over the adoption! (And if I haven't written about that before, let me know and I will write about it...)

While all that was going on with him, I started dating a guy I met through a friend I met in the mental facility, which was a really bad idea, he was really no good for me, and it didn't last long, thankfully. A few weeks later I met another guy online. When I was pregnant a friend of mine told me about okcupid.com, a free dating site, which I joined for fun, there were a lot of quizzes you could take, and a blog you could write on. I had met a few guys there, and dated one or two, but this guy I met late Feb. 2009 was different. Neither one of us was looking for a serious relationship, I was still dealing with my feelings, and trying to find out what I wanted to do. And he was about to graduate from college, commission into the Army and move to Hawaii. We met for the first time the last weekend of March, and what was suppose to be just a day or two turned into the whole weekend. We hit it off right away. And by the time he left, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He spent tons of gas money coming to Chattanooga to see me, and I would drive to him. In May he graduated from college, and commissioned, and shortly after that he went to Fort Benning, GA for training. We were use to not seeing each other every day, but we spent every weekend in his home town, because he wasn't able to come farther. Then he went off to Oklahoma for the rest of his training. I went for a week while he was there, but that turned into a month, and then ended up having to go back. In August we got engaged, and had set the date for Nov. 14, 2009, but due to his not having enough leave, we had to move it up 2 weeks, which was Oct. 31. We drove home from Oklahoma just in time for our wedding (Oct 29), and went to Atlanta for our honeymoon for a few days, and drove to Chattanooga to pack ALL my things and move them to his grandparent's house for pack out. He left for Hawaii Nov. 7, and I had to wait to come until I was on his orders. I left for Hawaii on Dec. 5, just 5 days before my son's 1st birthday. And now we are getting ready for our first deployment. My husband will be gone 12 months, but since we've been in Hawaii he's been gone twice now, and will leave again for another month soon, and every time I've been fine. I know I will be just fine once he leaves for good. I'm so glad to know that I will be okay, it's such a good feeling. The training that has taken him away for a month twice, and almost a third time, isn't just training for the soldiers, but for the wives/husbands as well.

I've gotten 3 updates since moving to Hawaii, 1 of which my dad had to send me because they sent it to his house before they got my new address. I've been here for 2 birthdays now, 2 Christmases, 1 Mother's Day. I'm so thankful that I found my husband when I did. He's been great. He's completely understanding of my feelings, and is just all around supportive. Sure there are times he doesn't understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling that way, but we've been so open with one another, that he'll just give me space, and I give him space. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but not every relationship is roses and candy canes. We've had our ups and downs.

I struggle with the adoption, just in different ways. It's always on my mind, but it isn't something that stops me from doing day to day things. And I'm no longer really really sad about the whole thing. There are times when I wish for more contact, and when I wish I could hold him and hug him and love on him. But the letters and pictures I get, even though they're so far apart from each other, help me to see just how good he's doing, and how happy he is.

And that is my adoption story up to this point....