Preparation

So, I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for 3 years now, I’m not ashamed of that, and most people know that. I started them the day my son was born. I’d hate to imagine what would have happened had I not done that. Seeing as I had post partum, on top of the emotions of the adoption. It took a few tries to get the right combo, and once I got to Hawaii, it took 3 psychiatrists, but we finally got it, just a few months before my husband left for Afghanistan! So, now I’m doing really well, and feeling really great. Sure I have some moments, but I chalk that up to being “normal.”

Well, a few weeks ago I talked with my psychiatrists about getting off my anti-depressants (I’m was on 2) so that when the husband gets home we can start trying for kids. The anti-anxiety med is mostly used at night for RLS, and is okay to take when pregnant. So I’m not worried about that one. So last month I started tapering off one. And this week I talked with my psychiatrist again about the other one. The one I’m still on is a little trickier to tapper off, but we’re going to do it slowly, and with his assistance. We’re going this one in 2 steps, as opposed to 1 like the other one. I’m taking half of a pill for now, and when I go back to see the psychiatrist we will half that dose, and then from there stop it altogether.

We’ve done research, and we know that there isn’t that much out there about the medicines I was/am on doing any damage during pregnancy. But I would feel better if I’m off them. But wouldn’t be angry if I have to be on one of them. Because I’m doing fine without the other. We’ll see how I do off the other one. My psychiatrist said that it I might not feel any different off this one right away, so we’re going to see how I do.

I’m excited to start this new chapter, and I’m excited for my husband to be home. It’s been one hell of a year. So here’s to baby making! Well, let’s get my husband home first! HA!

Oh and I’m done with therapy! I had my last session this week! She said I’m doing so well that we really have no more to do!!!

Sinking

I feel myself sinking…slowing drifting into depression. Into the darkness.

This holiday season is fast approaching, and with that comes the 3rd birthday of my son, and the emptiness that I sometimes feel when it comes to him. It’s just not natural to carry a child for 9 months and give birth to a baby, and then proceed to go home empty handed and spend the rest of your life without them. I remember the first few weeks, luckily I never woke up in a panic thinking I heard him or afraid I’d miss a feeding. But I did feel empty, my arms felt empty. I’d rock myself to sleep, instead of an infant, because it felt so weird to be going to bed without him. I would cry myself to sleep, begging God to bring him back. Knowing that he was better off with his new family, and that I’d be better in time. Knowing that I did what was best for everyone involved. I gave the best gift to a family who could no longer have children, and I gave the best gift to my son - a mother, father and brother, 2 of those things I couldn’t give him, well, the brother part is something I could have eventually, but the dad part, sure I could have met someone to take the roll, but that void would have still been there, and he deserved to have a father, a loving father, a Godly father.  He will always know how much he is loved, and wanted.

But another reason I’m starting to feel a little depressed is because this will be the 1st Christmas without my husband home. It won’t be our first Thanksgiving apart, we spent our first Thanksgiving apart, and granted the circumstances are totally different, as he was in Hawaii and I was still home, it still stunk. But at least we got to spend last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I’m going home to the mainland for Christmas. I’m not too excited about the traveling, but I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family. But it’s not going to be the same. By all accounts we’re lucky to have spent 2 Christmases in a row together, but it doesn’t make the fact that we’re not together any easier. And I just feel so bad for him, because he’s all alone, and I’ll be with friends and family…

I put on a good front for people, on the outside I look great, but inside, I’m slowly creeping inside myself. I know I have friends who won’t let that happen, and I’m so incredibly lucky.

So, to my friends and family, thanks in advanced. I love ya’ll more than anything!

National Adoption Awareness Month

I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2

Busy Bee Me

Man, since we got back from Maui I have been so busy. Seriously, I feel like I've not stopped...and I'm sure it will just keep going.

As ya'll know, I sprained my ankle in Maui, and so I had to go to the Quick Care to get it looked at, which they wanted to send me to an ortho, and so I had to go there, then I had to go to the dentist, and then go back to have a cavaity filled, and I had to have a phone session with my therapist since I can't drive, and I had group therapy the week before last, and an FRG meeting, and tomorrow another doctor's appt., and some where I have to go get my license, which might be a 2 trip thing if I can't get the driving test the same day I take the written test, which is just CRAP to me since I have a license, it's just expired, but whatever, I'll pass both...

So, I'm thinking about changing therapist, well, she's really my psych, but whatever...she's dropped the ball a few times, and I just think it's best to go elsewhere. I hate to change, especially since I've been with her since Jan/Feb...but like I said, she's dropped the ball...I'm going to tell her tomorrow if/when she calls for our phone session. Last week she forgot to call for our phone session, so I called the office, and she called back, at that point in time, I was willing to give her another chance, but she forgot to put in a medication for me, and she said she would...this is not the first time she has messed up a medication or prescription...I should have told her to put it in when she changed the dosage before we left for Maui, but I thought I'd have enough to get me through Maui and my next appt, and when I didn't, I told her, and she said she would, and since I can't drive, due to the whole no license thing, I asked a friend to take me by the pharmacy, only to be told that it wasn't in...and they could not get a hold of anyone at the office. Another thing that I want to achieve in changing is the whole group therapy aspect of my therapy plan. The week before last a member of the group got upset and threw a chair into a stack of other chairs, nobody was hurt, but I honestly did not feel safe at the time it happened, nor did I want to go back. (this is all I can say about it, since it did happen in a group therapy setting, and privacy and all that jazz) So that is really the main reason I called my psych last week, was to talk about what happened, and to set up an appt, since she had not called me to set one up...and we talked about it and she said she'd talk to the group leader, and would let me know. She talked to him, and he told her he was working on it, and she asked him to call me. He called me Monday to tell me he had a plan to insure our safety, but when I asked what he was planning to do he would not tell me, nor would he tell me if this person would be there, so I told him that if that person was there, then I would leave, but that I would try it. Well, I ended up not going because I just didn't feel like, and the hubby didn't get home in time, and we had a FRG meeting that night anyways. I haven't heard from anyone about group, and I'm thinking I'm going to go next week, but we'll see. I talked to a friend about it, and they suggested doing 5 minutes at a time, and if the person got angry to leave, so I think that is a logical way to deal with it, and might help with the anxiety of going. But to be honest, I just wasn't that impressed with the leaders attitude about it, nor did I like that he didn't explain what he was going to do to insure our safety, which next to trust is very important...don't you think?

My ankle is doing so much better, it still hurts when I move it funny or sit on it...I'm known to sit Indian Style or whatever, so I can't do that with my ankle yet, but it's definietly easier to walk on. The ortho doctor said it would heal on it's own, but that if I wanted to go to physical therapy I certainly could, and he even put in a consult, but since I can't drive yet, I've put it off, I can't ask the hubby to take me, and I'm not going to ask a friend to drive to the hospital for that, it's just too far....so if I can get in to get my license soon I'm going to call and make an appt, I have a couple more weeks, the consult will be null 30 days after it's put in the computer.

I can't really think of whatelse I was going to bring up, but I'm sure I'll think of something later, I've got my 5 Question Friday all ready to go once Mama M. puts up the linky post tomorrow, I feel so outta the loop with 5QF since I haven't done it in weeks...oh well....

Group Therapy

My psych wants me to start going to group therapy, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Grouped help when I got out of Valley, but I felt like I had to go, that I wouldn't have been released if I didn't agree to go.

I'm going to go, give it the ole college try.

I'll write a post either tonight or tomorrow about how it went. Probably tomorrow because I'm going to my psych tomorrow too. So I'll probably just lump that post together.

I'm nervous and my anxiety is super high. Thank goodness for my anxiety medicine.

Don't Know How to Bring it Up

Lately I have been so BLAH...some things are on my mind, that I don't know who to talk to about them. I'm afraid to mention it to anyone, I might bring it up tomorrow at my psych. but it's just so confusing, and I don't know if it would help or hinder.

I wish I could go into detail about what it is, but I'm just not ready. I also haven't had much to talk about lately. And I've gotten so behind on blogs, and and SIF's community that I feel so weird going back into there, but I think I need it. I think I might be able to talk to them about what is bothering me.

I think part of it is that I'm ashamed of how I got myself in the situation of having to choose between adoption and parenting that I just don't want to put it all out there because I don't want people to think ill of me. I am so scared of what people say about me behind my back, good or bad, I just hate to think people do talk about me. And I hate being in situations that make me vulnerable. I love hanging out with the people I've met here so far, but I am so scared of what they think of me, and what they'll think of me when they hear about my past. WHICH is silly because all the ones who know about my past have been nothing but NICE and LOVING and UNDERSTANDING. It all goes back to the tug of war my rational brain and irrational brain! Which is for a whole different blog post...

Irritable

I have been so stinking irritable for the last couple of days. The hubs asked yesterday if I was about start my period. I just go off at the drop of a hat, and I can't figure out why. I shouldn't start my period for another week. Since I'm on the patch, I can pretty much tell you when I'll start and when I'm not suppose to. Since you change it every Sunday (or whenever you want) and the week you don't wear one you're suppose to be on your period. Well, this is the last patch for the month. I changed it this morning. So I shouldn't start for a week. But I think I might just have PMS really bad for a week before I start. I've always been this way. Irritable around that time. And for the most part I can control it. But lately, I just can't. And every little thing is getting me mad. I hate feeling like this. But I just can't seem to get it under control.

I also have been having a hard time concentrating on things I enjoy. Like the community I joined. I find myself just half interested in it. I might just take a break from it, and come back in a day or two. I think some of it stems from the fact that I just feel so behind when I miss stuff for a day or so. Like yesterday, I didn't get a chance to check it until late yesterday (mostly by the time everyone else was gone) and I just felt overwhelmed with all I missed. I'm working on this and trying to figure it out.

My psych thinks that when I feel overwhelmed it is because I just don't want to do something. And that might be true on some things. But I want to chat on the community, I want to blog, I want to design stuff on Photo shop. But maybe I don't want to clean the house, or pick up trash, but I need to. And I know I should. Some times I do use being overwhelmed as an excuse. But for the most part. I don't know where to start with cleaning, and I don't know how to do it. I've gotten a lot of good advice, and I have been trying to get motivated to try it. I just can't. I don't know why. But I can't. We did get the bathroom cleaned, I just have to do the shower. Which I will later, because I'm about to go to another baby shower.

I haven't been sleeping well either. Last night I think since I had been out in the sun most the day I was just so tired that it didn't take long for my night time meds to work, but I just don't feel refreshed, or renewed now. I feel so tired. And I've felt like that for a few days now. I got super shaky and dizzy the other day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I ate and drank a coke, thinking that might help. And it did for a bit, but then I just felt that way again. And yesterday after we had been at the first baby shower, which was at the beach, it was so pretty. I just was so tired, I didn't want to do anything. We had stuff to do, and the hubs wanted me to drive, but I told him there was no way I could drive, I was just too tired. And he wanted to take forever in the store we went to, and I just wanted to go home.

Anyways, gonna get going, going to a baby shower! It won't be the last, we have so many pregnant ladies in my hubs battalion since they just got back from Iraq! I think there are only a select few of ladies who aren't pregnant within the battalion, and we are one of them, and we are hoping to stay that way for a while. We want to be more financially stable before we go and have a kid. And I want to have a routine down for the house, and keeping it clean, and what not. But we do want children, so bad. There was a 9 month old little girl at the baby shower yesterday, and watching the hubs hold her made me want one so bad, and I was like, are you sure you don't want one now, and he was like, yes...but he just looked SO good holding one. But we will wait. And when we do have kids, it'll be great!

"My son" vs. "the baby"

So last week I was talking with a lady who I admire and look up to. Not only as a wife but as a Christian and mother. So when this topic was brought up I listened and took it into consideration. I even prayed about it and talked to a close friend about it. And also remember I'm human and might have misunderstood what she was trying to say and it happened over a week ago so its a bit foggy.
The lady, we will call her Q because well 'Q' is a left out letter I think (along with 'X' and 'Z' but I'm getting off topic, ha). Ok so Q said that calling my son just that, 'my son' I was not distancing myself enough away from the situation and that in order to move on I should use some generic term like 'the baby' or whatever. Now before you go saying what does she know or how does she figure, believe me when I say she knows. And for privacy reasons and what have you I can't divulged that info. So here we go, she also said to think about it and not stop just because she said to. I am a logical person and realize different people cope in different ways. And she reminded me of that because she mentioned that what works for one won't work for others. Which is totally true. I mean, really. I honestly can sit(lay) here and tell you I have been thinking and praying over this issue since last Tuesday. And I think I'm finally able to publicly say that no matter what I call my son he will always be just that, my son.
His last name might be different and I might not be there for every little thing but he is half me. He carries on my mom and dads genetics. Not his adoptive parents genetics. Mine. And I don't think changing what I call him will make my life any different. He is who he is. Just like I am who I am. (popeye just popped in my head 'I yams what I yams' ha) ok so now that it is almost 2 hours since we laid down and the hubs is sound asleep on my shoulder while I write this on my phone, I think its ok for me to go to sleep. It feels good to not be fighting this alone...I guess, or whatever. I'm super sleepy now and making no sense. So its my cue to stop this post right now. So good night or good morning.
Amanda
(I'm praying this works since I'm emailing it to blogger from my phone, eeep)

An extra helping of I "heart" Thursday

I started an entry on Feb 21 about being in a slump and having creative block. I deleted it, some of the stuff in it was just so retarded to even be thinking about that it hasn't been an issue.

I am going to talk about what I started talking about in it at first. The past few days I have been really depressed. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm glad that I have a doctor's appointment next week. I am going to talk with her about it. I wish I knew why I was in a slump, and why I felt the way I do, but I just can't put my finger on it. I know she is going to ask me why, but I honestly have no reason to be depressed. Well, I can think of one, and it is so trivial compared to what some people are dealing with. And it can be easily fixed when I find a job, but its this whole motivation thing. When I'm depressed I don't want to do ANYTHING...Showering is a chore, and the household chores seem like the most daunting tasks. My sleep is even suffering. It is just so amazing how a good nights sleep makes things so much better. But I toss and turn, and toss and turn, and wake up several times a night. On top of that I have these really crazy dreams. I know you dream during REM sleep, and it's the deepest sleep, and you're suppose to feel rested when you wake from it, but I don't see how dreaming crazy things, and realistic things is restful. And for me it really isn't restful. My doctor described it to me, and during REM your whole body is paralyzed, sorda...your brain doesn't send things to your body, so you don't move. So it is just your brain going. Still doesn't make me think restful, ha!

I think I'm going to just list some of the great things going for us right now, to maybe help me remind myself to be happy...and so I have something to come back to -- I know I did something similar on Thursday. But I feel I need an extra dose of I "heart" Thursdays.

I "heart" my husband more every day.

I "heart" my God so much.

I "heart" all the great friends I have.

I "heart" that my husband has a wonderful career.

I "heart" my man in uniform, and am SO proud of him and what his career stands for.

I "heart" the children my husband and I will have, even though we aren't expecting. I love the thought of children with my husband.

I "heart" the son that God trusted to me to carry for 9 months to just give him to his forever family.

I "heart" my family.

I "heart" having a roof over my head and food on our table.

I "heart" that at the end of this month we will have successfully paid off one of my debts.

I "heart" relaxing after a long day with my husband.

I think this is good for now, I do feel a little better about things. I wasn't expecting to feel overly happy, but I do seem to feel some relief from the funk. And I just love the thought of writing down reminders of what is good in our life when things don't seem that great elsewhere, or to show that all the good outweighs the bad.

The Funk times a million

The funk I referred to was the depression. I would snap out of it, if you could snap your finger and be over it, but that doesn't work, believe me, I've tried. [yes i know some of you are picturing me doing it, and yes i did actually try...it was quite hilarious....you shoulda been there, lol]

The Funk

is getting worse.

I miss him

I miss my lil guy. I've never regretted anything in my life. Until now. I know deep down I did the right thing, but did I really. I wish I could see the future so I know for sure I did the right thing. He's too little to understand now and he's too little now to know any different, so I'm sure he's happy, but he'd be happy with me too. And what if he years down the road he hates me for what I did or didn't do. I couldn't live with myself he hates me. And what if his parents don't tell him that I did it because I loved him, what if they just let him hate me and don't tell him why I did what I did. I know the what if's are no where to be, but I am here and I don't know how to get outta them. I can't stop thinking about them.

I wish I didn't have to work today, I want to just lay in bed all day. I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. I've even been taking my night time meds like I'm suppose to, plus some. Nothing seems to work. I don't get it. I NEED SLEEP or I'm going to die. And I'm not not sleeping because I'm napping, because I'm not. I go to bed at like 9 or 10 and toss and turn and have the worst dreams ever. They are freaking crazy, I have no clue what the heck they mean and I just can't get over it. I know that if I were sleeping I probably wouldn't be second guessing myself and regretting this, but I'm not sleeping. And the only thing I can think to do is take 3 sleeping pills instead of 1 because 1 doesn't do shit and 2 barely does anything. But if I take 3 I'll run out faster...I talked to my therapist about it, but she told me to give it a week, wtf...my other doctor would have been like, ok lets change your meds...not give it a week....sleep is the most important thing when you are depressed.