Love is sacrifice

A friend posted about the difference between “Love” and “In Love,” and her definition of “Love” really hit home for me, and I’m sure it will hit home for everyone. But it really hit home in defining my decision to place.

Here is what she said: “Ok, so love is active: we do it.  I feel love is an attitude that chooses what is best for another person, rather than what is easiest or most pleasurable for us.  Love is sacrifice. Love is a choice.  Loving someone (truly loving a person) usually lasts a lifetime. You grow to love someone for who they are and accept them for that.”

The phrase that came out of my mouth over and over when explaining my reasoning, and even now, 3 years later, as I tell my story, is that I wanted to do what was best for my son. It wasn’t until I had made the decision and was okay with the decision that I started to think of myself, and realize that even though it’s natural for a woman, a mother more specifically, to want to raise their children, I knew that this adoption was best for me too. As much as I wanted to raise him, I knew that it was not the best thing for me either.

And if you think placing him was easy, think again, placing him wasn’t easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t pleasurable either, it was actually quite the opposite. Like I said, it’s not natural for a mother to not parent. It isn’t natural for a mother to leave the hospital empty handed.

No matter how much I tried to NOT attach myself to him, it happened. And when I realized that it had happened, it hit me super hard.

When people say that they couldn’t believe they could love someone they’d never met so much, they’re not lying. And I couldn’t believe how much I loved him, even when I tried so hard to NOT attach myself. It’s inevitable.

National Adoption Day

Whoops, I forgot that yesterday was National Adoption Day, I was just so busy yesterday…I didn’t even get on the computer…

Every day to me is adoption day, honestly there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about adoption and how it’s affected my life and my son’s.

It’s such a blessing, for all sides of the triad. It gives hope to all sides.

It gives hope to the birthmother who doesn’t know how she’s going to raise a child alone, or who just doesn’t want to raise a child. It gives hope to the adoptive parents, who have probably been through hell and back to try and have kids of their own, and who have probably done countless tries of IVF and who have might have been waiting for a child through adoption for years, and then one sweet day, they finally get their miracle. It’s hope for the children of adoption, they’re given a better life. And that is something to celebrate…

National Adoption Awareness Month

I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2

Surprise

I was going through my reading list on blogger, and I saw my picture, I was like, uh, what, and then I remembered that a few months ago, Monika from BirthMom Buds Blog contacted me to be the spotlight blogger! And she told me that it would run on Oct 14, which is today, and I forgot, even though I knew it would happen, I just forgot…so go here and check it out, it’s just another little part of my story and journey as a birthmom.

Needs and Wants

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye Hardwick

This quote is from Birthmom Buds and it is just something that is so true.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I really feel like God wants me to be a mother, to raise children. But I know that the timing was off. I knew that what I had to offer a child at the time was not going to give my son everything he NEEDED, not so much what he wants, but what he needs. Sure I could have given him those things, but at what cost. Welfare and WIC and Foodstamps, crappy healthcare and even crappier childcare. Now, I’m not knocking those things, because I know that they’re needed, but those are temporary solutions to your problems, they’re not something that should be used long term. At least, in my opinion. I was on WIC when I was pregnant, so I’m really NOT against these programs. But I was only on it while I was pregnant, and then never went back on it. I was also drawing unemployment at one point, but that is temporary as well.

My son now has a roof, food, clothes, and two loving parents, and an awesome big brother. All of which I couldn’t really provide. Sure I had a roof and food and clothes, but what kind of childhood would he have had if I had raised him. He wouldn’t have known his father, as he didn’t want anything to do with him, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t force the guy to even pay child support, let alone force him to see the kid he didn’t want anything to do with.

It didn’t seem like a healthy choice for my son, battling it out in court with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him, and forcing this guy to pay for a child he wanted nothing to do with. I just can’t imagine the negative effects that would have had on him later in life.

I’m sure my son will have problems later in life, issues with the adoption, but I’d hope he’d realize that what I did, I did for him, and to give him a better life. And as much crap as I give the birthfather, I do hope that one day he comes around and realizes that this amazing little boy is his son, and will want to know him.

And I hope my son can see that I really did put his needs over my wants, because I really still feel like I did, to this day. I have no regrets about giving him a better life. And in turn, I gave myself a better life as well.

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

Birth Mother’s Day

So Saturday was Birth Mother's Day. I think I've written about it before. It's a day to remember the ones who selflessly gave a child up for adoption. I've never really actively celebrated. I usually just get a simple Happy Mother's Day on Mother's Day. But this year, I tried to go out of my way to make it special for a few of the Birth Mother's in my life.

I have never been acknowledged by the adoptive family for mother’s day. It kind of bummed me out, and it still does, I just try not to let it affect my mood. This year was no different. I got NOTHING from them for Mother’s Day. She was already a mother when they adopted the baby, but she was a mother again because of me. And I feel like they just don’t appreciate it. I am sure these feelings are normal, and are probably for nothing, but still, I have them. And I’ve never been one to push aside my feelings, or not voice them. At least on my blog, I would never tell them how I really felt because I don’t want to jeopardize the updates I am suppose to get every 6 months. Which, if my math is correct is this month. I always get so anxious waiting for them. And I’ve also gotten worried in the past that they won’t come. I’m trying really hard not to do it this time. And I think I’ve said it before, but I just hate being the person who worries and complains about things that are out of my control. It just sucks because we had such an open dialogue before the baby was born, and I honestly didn’t think it would change after, but it changed big time. They decided to unfriend me around Mother’s day after he was born. Talk about a low blow. It hurt me so much. I knew it was coming. I had a message from them a few months before telling me they were going to do it. I just didn’t think they’d wait so long, or do it around Mother’s Day. I know their reasoning behind it, and I completely understand. I just think it was wrong and rude. And because we were friends, and had such an open dialogue during the pregnancy I thought it would stay the same, so I didn’t put much in the openness agreement. In fact, I don’t really think we have one.

Anyways, this was suppose to be about Birth Mother’s Day and the controversy, I guess that can be for another day.

A Poem, A Package, and Cross Stitch

When I first saw this poem I thought it would be great to cross stitch and frame for the adoptive family. I hadn't started yet, I couldn't figure out how to do it, or what to use. Well, Hobby Lobby online had a special $2.95 shipping deal, so I figured what the heck, I'll go ahead and get the stuff. I also got some stuff for a special piece for my house, I have to get different thread for that one, as the colors I got weren't what I had in mind. Anyways,  back on track...I started putting the poem on the fabric. It is a long poem, and I think I should have gotten a wider piece, and it might take two to get the whole poem on it, but I think it will turn out well. I'll post pictures when I'm at least done with the first stanza. Maybe ya'll can tell me what you think, please be honest, let me know if it sucks. I'll post pictures tomorrow, as I'm hoping it will be somewhat done....at least the first stanza. I call it that, but I don't know what else to call them, lol....I'm using blue thread and I'm going to back stitch in black. I'm trying to think if I want to put a boarder around it or not, I haven't decided. I think it depends on how long it turns out to be, and well, yea, I'm rambling, sorry...


I did send off a package to the adoptive family. I included the book I won from Kelsey, a christmas ornament I picked up, and the main reason it was so late in going out is because I decided to include some pictures from when I was a child, and the wedding and our first year here in Hawaii, and instead of using 1 hour, I did site to store on wal mart because it was so much cheaper than 1 hour or even to have them shipped here, it would have cost more than the pictures to ship them, and call me cheap, but I wasn't going to do that when I could have them shipped to the local wal mart for free....so I picked those up, and sent them along with a birthday card, a pretty long letter and then a note explaining why it was kind of late, I mean, I have no schedule as to when to send things, but they did send one to me between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I felt bad waiting. Anyways, they should get it next week. I hope they enjoy the book as much as I did, and I can't wait to get one for myself. The ornament I got was a cute little bear that was wearing a shirt that said "I <3 Hawaii" and I think he had a surf board, I can't remember. I thought it would be neat to give him an ornament from somewhere I lived, I think next year I'll send one from Tennessee or Georgia, but I don't know. His first ornament from me was Noah's Ark, because my mom wanted to give him my Noah's Ark music box, so I thought it was something neat to do. Last years was just a sugar cookie 2 with a bear....I was going to get the 3rd one this year, but I wanted something different. I'm sure I'm putting way to much thought into his ornaments, and I am sure right now he doesn't give a rats ass about them, lol...


The hubby will be able to talk again in 6 days, I can't wait....I haven't been having a hard time with it, until lately, the last couple days. He'll be home in just 2 weeks too :) Well, a little over 2 weeks. But either way, I miss him. I've tried not to complain, and I really don't feel like stating that I miss him is complaining. But if you think it is, then know that I don't mean it that way, and if you think it is complaining you can just skip this section...




Here is the poem put to music, it is quite touching...



So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure 
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore. 
But lately I've been thinking, 
Cause it's all I've had to do. 
And in my heart I feel that I 
Should give this child to you. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.


If you choose to tell him, 
If he wants to know, 
How the one who gave him life 
Could bear to let him go. 
Just tell him there were sleepless nights, 
I prayed and paced the floors, 
And knew the only peace I'd find, 
Was if this child was yours. 

And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours. 

This may not be the answer, 
For another girl like me. 
But I'm not on a soapbox, 
Saying how we all should be. 
I'm just trusting in my feelings, 
And I'm trusting God above, 
And I'm trusting you can give this baby 
Both his mothers' love. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, 
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

What's Your Advice for Teens?

I really am over the 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom thing, but there just wasn't anything on TV, so I got sucked in, and it was the Reunion show for the 2nd season. It seems that they have someone who choices adoption in every season. Which is great, that they show the struggles, but Lori, the one from Season 2 that placed was asked what she would say to Teens, she said to choice adoption.

Well, it got me thinking about what I would tell teens/young adults...and it isn't to choice adoption, or use contraception, but instead to NOT have sex, to wait until you're married and settled. BUT that if you do decide to have sex, then be on birth control AND use condoms. No teenager and young adult is ready for the responsibility a child brings. Even if you do make an adoption plan, and follow through with it.

You might feel like you're ready to have sex, but believe me, you're not. And the guy you're with just might not be there forever. And getting pregnant isn't going to make him stay, it might even push him away. Lucky for me, I didn't feel that way, I think cutting all communication with the father, and realizing that things weren't going to work out with us helped save me a lot of heartache, a different kind of heartache, but heartache nonetheless.

If you do find yourself in a situation where you are young and pregnant, then please, think about ALL your options. And seek the counsel of someone older and wiser, and who has been in your shoes. Talk to someone who had a child young, and kept it, then talk to someone who followed through with their adoption plan, even talk to someone who had an abortion. Educate yourself. Weigh ALL your options. Don't be afraid to talk to your parents.

Do research, and don't make any rash decisions. And if you're reading this, and find yourself in this situation, please don't hesitate to contact me.

My Adoption Story part 2

Since it's a new year I thought I'd catch up my adoption story, from where I left it off last time, which you can read here.

I left off with the good-bye, which was Dec. 11 2008, a day after he was born. I have not seen or held him since Dec. 11 2008. I get pictures and a letter about how he's doing, but that is NOT the same as seeing him and holding him, I don't care who you are, that just doesn't compare.

I couldn't leave the hospital for another day or two since I had gestational diabetes and a c-section. So the night he left was worse than the night he was born. I think because I knew he was no longer in the same place, that he was no longer just down the hall in another room in the hospital. I don't remember the rest of the time I was in the hospital, or leaving. I think I blocked the time out. Every day after that for about a week or two was just a blur. The next day I really remember is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I know I cried myself to sleep a lot the first month or so, but I really remember Christmas and how I pleaded with God to somehow let me have my son. My heart and arms felt empty. I felt empty.

Around January of 2009 I wasn't doing well, emotionally, mentally. I tried to go back to work, but the next day I was admitted into the local mental facility. I spent almost 2 weeks there, we changed my medicines, and I attended all the groups and classes they offered. I learned how to deal with my grief and how to cope. As much as I hated going, and as much as I did not want to go, I'm so thankful that I went. By Feb. 2009 I was doing the out patient program, so I could work, and I was no longer working with the children at the after care program. I knew that I just wasn't going to get better if I worked with children, they reminded me of what I would miss out on. I started working with my dad, filling in for his bosses daughter, and I was suppose to go full time after his daughter got back.

A few months after his birth he got acid reflux really bad. The doctors thought it was just that. But his parents kept pushing. The mom's mom was getting sick, and they moved up the date they were moving so they could go be with her, and help with her. As soon as they moved they got him into see a new doctor, and she quickly put him in the hospital for some tests, I think they changed doctors another time, and finally found out what was wrong with him. The doctor said that this was something that should have been found earlier, and that he had not seen a case this bad in a very long time. What had happened is that his stomach wasn't emptying fast enough, and because of this, a piece of skin grew over the opening. They did a procedure and fixed the problem, and he was good as new! About a month after the surgery the doctor who performed it was in a fatal car accident. I'm not sure if I wrote about how God worked in the adoption in part 1, but this was just another way of seeing just how much God was working in this situation. Even though her mom passed away shortly after they moved there, God moved them there just in time to find out the real problem with him and someone who could fix the problem. Just one more sign that God was ALL over the adoption! (And if I haven't written about that before, let me know and I will write about it...)

While all that was going on with him, I started dating a guy I met through a friend I met in the mental facility, which was a really bad idea, he was really no good for me, and it didn't last long, thankfully. A few weeks later I met another guy online. When I was pregnant a friend of mine told me about okcupid.com, a free dating site, which I joined for fun, there were a lot of quizzes you could take, and a blog you could write on. I had met a few guys there, and dated one or two, but this guy I met late Feb. 2009 was different. Neither one of us was looking for a serious relationship, I was still dealing with my feelings, and trying to find out what I wanted to do. And he was about to graduate from college, commission into the Army and move to Hawaii. We met for the first time the last weekend of March, and what was suppose to be just a day or two turned into the whole weekend. We hit it off right away. And by the time he left, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He spent tons of gas money coming to Chattanooga to see me, and I would drive to him. In May he graduated from college, and commissioned, and shortly after that he went to Fort Benning, GA for training. We were use to not seeing each other every day, but we spent every weekend in his home town, because he wasn't able to come farther. Then he went off to Oklahoma for the rest of his training. I went for a week while he was there, but that turned into a month, and then ended up having to go back. In August we got engaged, and had set the date for Nov. 14, 2009, but due to his not having enough leave, we had to move it up 2 weeks, which was Oct. 31. We drove home from Oklahoma just in time for our wedding (Oct 29), and went to Atlanta for our honeymoon for a few days, and drove to Chattanooga to pack ALL my things and move them to his grandparent's house for pack out. He left for Hawaii Nov. 7, and I had to wait to come until I was on his orders. I left for Hawaii on Dec. 5, just 5 days before my son's 1st birthday. And now we are getting ready for our first deployment. My husband will be gone 12 months, but since we've been in Hawaii he's been gone twice now, and will leave again for another month soon, and every time I've been fine. I know I will be just fine once he leaves for good. I'm so glad to know that I will be okay, it's such a good feeling. The training that has taken him away for a month twice, and almost a third time, isn't just training for the soldiers, but for the wives/husbands as well.

I've gotten 3 updates since moving to Hawaii, 1 of which my dad had to send me because they sent it to his house before they got my new address. I've been here for 2 birthdays now, 2 Christmases, 1 Mother's Day. I'm so thankful that I found my husband when I did. He's been great. He's completely understanding of my feelings, and is just all around supportive. Sure there are times he doesn't understand how I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling that way, but we've been so open with one another, that he'll just give me space, and I give him space. Sometimes that doesn't happen, but not every relationship is roses and candy canes. We've had our ups and downs.

I struggle with the adoption, just in different ways. It's always on my mind, but it isn't something that stops me from doing day to day things. And I'm no longer really really sad about the whole thing. There are times when I wish for more contact, and when I wish I could hold him and hug him and love on him. But the letters and pictures I get, even though they're so far apart from each other, help me to see just how good he's doing, and how happy he is.

And that is my adoption story up to this point....

The end of Adoption Awareness Month

So I feel like a huge ass for not finishing the blog challenge of posting every day for November. But I think to make up for it, I'll write about something profound, but I just can't think of anything.....hahaha

So with that being said, hope everyone had a wonderful month. I am so looking forward to the Christmas season! I just love it!!

Almost 2 years Already?!

Well, the whole blog everyday for Adoption Awareness was kinda shot to hell, oops...it happens, so I guess I'll just share the update I got, well, highlights, I don't post pictures of my son, the ones they send me are theirs, and they didn't give me permission to share them, and the only ones I share them with are family and very close friends. But I will share some things they shared with me.

He's almost 2 years old....he'll be 2 Dec 10...
-He has a great sense of humor, and is starting to get a 2 y/o attitude
-He's a tattletale - whenever his older brother does something wrong he runs and tells their mom
-He loves to dance, and has great rhythm
-He sleeps with a train or a car every night
-He LOVES candy, and was a doctor for Halloween
-He knows about 20 sign language signs
-He can say a handful of words and sentences, he has a physical therapist to help with his speech
-He is quite the little traveler still, they travel a lot, the last update I got they had gone to visit Chattanooga, and there were pictures of him at the park and children't museum.
-They've been to the beach several times, and they sent a picture of him and his brother sitting looking out to the ocean with the older brother's arm around him, it is precious! And then one of my son laying in the sand, it looks almost professional.
-There were some really great pictures, and I have a few favorites, there is one of him with a tootsie roll and he's got this expression of joy and hyperness, ha!
-He is such a ham, and every picture shows his personality so well. It is amazing to see how he's changed, and how big he's gotten.

It's really hard to believe that it will be 2 years soon. And with the happiness of getting this update, there is sadness that I have to wait 6 months to get more. I have to go get his ornament and I'm going to get some baby pictures of me made so I can send them, I've been meaning to do that for a while, I'm also going to send some wedding pictures. Along with a little letter and I got this really cute card for his birthday too.

Today's the Day

Today is National Adoption Awareness Day!


Nov. 20
Support your local adoption community by attending a ceremony. Now I have no clue what was done around my community for it, I'm going to go out on a limb and say absolutely nothing...and it's pretty sad that I didn't go looking for something, but to be honest, I slept til well after 1pm today...and I have not done any research to see what is going on in the community about adoption, I haven't looked for support groups, I've thought about it plenty, but I'm not sure if I want to put myself out there. It is no secret that I am a birth mom, but I am scared.

I know people judge me for it, and I know people think badly about my decision, they say rude things about me behind my back, and to others who know me. They've spread rumors and talked completely and utter CRAP about my situation and how I could ever do something like that. They don't care why I did it, they want to think badly of me for it, and so there really is no reason to tell them my reasoning. They're going to skew it into me being a selfish, unloving, uncaring person who just didn't want a child. I've seen it, I've heard it. People don't think that the stuff will get back to me, but it has. And it HURTS. I'm a very loving and caring person, and I do want children. And I never once thought about myself when I was making my adoption plan. It was all about how my child would be better off without me. It wasn't until after I had already made my mind up that I realized what this meant for me, in terms of making something for myself. And I never thought of my adoption plan as temporary, something I'd try to reverse once I found someone and got married. I was not looking to get married when I met my husband, marriage was the farthest thing from my mind, I was looking to go back to school, finish my degree, teach and then hopefully somewhere down the road get married. It just so happened I met my husband when my son was 2 months old and started dating him when he was only 3 months. By the time my husband and I got married it was far to late to change my mind about the adoption, there was no turning back on that. And anyone who knows something about adoption knows that it is very hard to get an adoption turned around. It would have cost a lot of money, taken a lot of time, and in the end, would have ended up being a completely and utter waste of time, money and energy. See, we did things by Georgia law, which allowed me to sign the papers in the hospital, and gave me 10 days to change my mind(quite a few states have this grace period.) After the 10 days you CANNOT withdraw your surrender.

(While looking to see which law we used, I found this to be quite interesting, it's from adoption.com, and it's about when consent to adopt can take place....

"Only two States (Alabama and Hawaii) allow the birth mother to consent before the birth of her child; however, the decision to consent must be reaffirmed after the child's birth."

Anyways, it made me giggle that people were saying I was going to try and get my son back now that I was married, they clearly don't know anything about adoption and how it works. I just don't get how people can be so uneducated about things. It's not like my son is in any harm or danger living with his parents, he's thriving and doing really well, so trying to get him back wouldn't be in his best interest, and would not only hurt him, but his family, and I could never do that to him or his family. Not to mention it wouldn't be fair to my husband, to ask him to raise a child that isn't his. Even though I know that if I had kept my son, and met my husband he would have done so willingly. And not that I think it is wrong to do that. I know many people who had children before they met their significant other and the s/o welcomed their children with open arms. Even being a better parent then the child's birth parent. So I know it can work. But this isn't what was meant to happen, I feel very strongly that I am living the life I was meant to live, and my son is living the life he was meant to live.

Even though I knew very early in my pregnancy that my son was meant for another family doesn't mean he is any less my son. But I just wasn't meant to raise him. And I am meant to raise children with my husband, our children. And I pray that one day I will get to raise children with him, because he will make the best father. If we have a girl he will be so tightly wrapped around her finger it isn't funny, same goes for any boys we have.

Negatives and Positives

I started following this birth mom, Stefanie, recently and in a post she wrote yesterday she asked for birth parent input, and so I quickly typed up and email and asked her how I could help, and it was all about the positive and negative things we, as birth parents, have heard.

So, this is kind of like my first guest appearance on a blog, and so I give you 19. Negative and Positive (Birthmom Edition)

Ya'll might remember the "How To" posts I did back in April, this is a lot like those posts, so here those are again, and someone asked me to do what not to say, so since it's Adoption Awareness Month I will write that up for ya'll.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Nov 17 & Some randomness

So when looking up what today's suggestion was something caught my eye, it was an article written to hopeful adoptive families, it was a guide for what to include in your letter to birth mothers. There was also a link to another article about what not to include in your letter, those were pretty informative, some of the suggestions I didn't agree with, but I figured I'd pass them along anyways, as they did touch on things I thought should be included and left out.

Nov 17
Email or call friends and family about upcoming adoption events. 

I have not been sleeping well lately. Right now as I type this it is almost 1am, and I'm WIDE awake, and I haven't had ANY caffeine, NONE...the last few nights it's been well after 1am when going to bed, which also means I'm not getting up in the morning until the afternoon. Which might be why I can't go to bed, but even if I take my meds at a reasonable time I'm still awake late, and when I go to lay down I toss and turn. I just don't get it. I wish I could sleep. At least go to bed at a decent hour. Oh well, hopefully I get back into a cycle.

I got shoes tonight, they're so pretty....they're going to look so great with my dress for the ball, and my jewelry! I'm just gonna give ya'll a sneak peek, I don't want to put pictures of my dress on here yet, but this is my shoes, and earrings, the necklace looks just like the earrings, that with red toe nails will look GREAT with my simple black dress!!! (The shoes are from Ross, $25!)

The ball is Dec. 3, I'll write about the ball later, I'm going to take my meds and lay down!

Nov 16 - Adoption Related Movies

I wrote yesterday about something that could have been taken the wrong way, and I wanted to set the record straight. I know after I said I was jealous I said that I was happy for pregnant people, especially my friends, but I wanted to tell ya'll that I really am happy, and that the jealousy I feel isn't huge, and it has no effect on how I feel towards my friends who are pregnant, and it definitely doesn't make my happiness for them any less significant. So, if you're a friend, and you're pregnant, please know that I am extremely happy for you and will adore your child(ren)! I just hope ya'll can understand that it is hard to see pregnant people, and that I would never try to make your pregnancies about me or my feelings, and that I was speaking in generals yesterday, and not about anyone specific, as I have several friends who are pregnant. I just wanted to put this out there before I get into my original post....

So the suggestion for today, coming from the calendar on adoption.com, as usual, is below, and I did some research for this one!! (all links are from imbd.com, I just typed in adoption as a keyword...and read the storyline)

Nov. 16
Watch an adoption-related movie with your family. 

Documentary
A Place Called Home: An Adoption Story (2004)
Off And Running (2009)

A Family Is a Family Is a Family: A Rosie O'Donnell Celebration (TV 2010)

In Search Of Home (1953)

Going Home (2009)

Sunshine (2009)

Romantic Comedy
Gigantic (2008) (not too sure about this one, might not be suitable for children...it is rated R)
The Tunnel of Love (1958) (might not be suitable for children, imbd.com didn't have a rating)

Family/Romance/Drama
Love's Unending Legacy (2007)

Comedy

Annie

Anne of Green Gables

Angels in the Outfield

Pollyanna

Guest Blogger Kristen Davis: Unplanned Pregnancy: Limitations to Sexual Awareness in American Women

I got an email from Kristen Davis late last week, and she wanted to write an article for my blog, so I said, what the heck, I gave her some background on my readers and who I want to reach, and she came up with the following article. Thank you Kristen!

Unplanned Pregnancy: Limitations to Sexual Awareness in American Women

Sexuality is a major topic in America today because of all the possible health impacts that accompany an unplanned pregnancy. Unfortunately, too few women consider adoption a legitimate option when they find themselves confronted with this situation. Mothers who instead turn to abortion as a solution face a host of physical and mental consequences after having this procedure done. One in ten of these women will experience one of more of the over 100 complications seen after abortion, including infection, hemorrhaging and convulsions.

Obviously for young women that do not wish to have children yet, avoiding pregnancy remains the best option. However, doing so safely is not guaranteed either. While the popularity of certain birth control methods is undeniable based on their widespread use, these methods also bring forth a host of further risks. Unfortunately, teens tend to fixate on avoiding pregnancy, arguably because it’s the most visible consequence, without considering the physical dangers that accompany sexual activity. However, with such well-established and successful adoption programs in place to bring life to a family unable to have children, young women should focus less on pregnancy and instead recognize the threats to their health if they engage in unsafe sex. 

            One major factor to consider regarding oral contraceptives is the potentially dangerous implications users might acquire about these drugs. While oral contraceptives are up to 99% effective at preventing pregnancy, these products often mislead young adults into believing they are protected against sexually transmitted disease as well. While pregnancy rates for unmarried young women in this country are declining, sexually transmitted disease rates continue to grow. Frighteningly, these drugs might actually be a contributing factor to this trend as teens protected from pregnancy are emboldened to have unprotected sex.

            Unfortunately, schools might fail to address the dangers of these contraceptives in health-centered education classes. With the U.S. government’s renewal of its $50 million a year funding over the next five years for abstinence-focused education, teens might not receive the comprehensive information needed to make the right choice about birth control. Worse still, schools might totally refuse to discuss contraception because it conflicts with the curriculum’s assertion that abstinence should be the sole method teens use regarding sexuality. While promoting abstinence-focused education, schools might also alienate the very students they most need to reach as these sexually-active teens are potentially ignored.

            Less informative still, the manufacturers of contraceptives regularly fail to mention important information regarding their product’s safety, leading to further drug misconception. One producer, Bayer HealthCare, was recently cited by the FDA for having misleading television advertisements concerning its products. Promoting their product as a total quality-of-life aid, these ads further misled teens into choosing these drugs based on unproven claims. Furthermore, Bayer was cited for substandard conditions in a plant its ingredients were manufactured in. However, the drug company’s annual multi-million dollar advertising campaigns continue to overshadow these revelations and make its drugs the most popular form of contraception on the market for young women today.

Although this pharmaceutical manufacturer’s lack of corporate integrity is disturbing, the severe physical consequence of these drugs is even more striking. Oral contraceptives are hormone-altering pills and can actually lead to permanent side effects, like the possibility of infertility. Originally introduced in the 1960’s, evidence today links the use of these drugs with the rise of cancer seen in U.S. women.

In fact, the growing number of complaints against oral contraceptives, exemplified by pending Yaz lawsuits, indicates that the short-term safety of such birth control options is far from certain as well. Users of this particular product have seen serious, and sometimes fatal, side effects including heart attack, stroke, blood clots, pulmonary embolisms and gallbladder disease. However, because schools refuse to recognize anything but abstinence as a legitimate lifestyle, these facts are rarely discussed with teens.

A dangerous lack of information regarding birth control and adoption are the major limitations of sexual awareness in American youth today. Although sexual promiscuity and dangerous forms of contraception are perfectly acceptable and heavily endorsed in the media, the dignified, responsible act of adoption continues to have a strong stigma attached to it. However, like many social solutions, healthy answers to unplanned pregnancy will only occur if teens are empowered with actual information about adoption, birth control and abortion.

 

Nov 12, 13, 14, 15 - blogger fail

I can't believe I have failed to post every day, again, geez...I'm a blogger failure. But that's okay...I'm going to make up for it now....check out the calendar on adoption.com


Nov. 12
Send thank-you cards to your local foster care office. Sometimes a simple thank-you can go a long way! yellowpages.com is a good place to find the address of your local foster care office.


Nov. 13
Look into becoming a foster parent. Maybe when you're looking for the address on yellowpages.com they'll have a link to a site you can check out, that is surely to have a FAQ or check list, or something to help you find out how to become a foster parent, adoption.com is a great place to look as well.


Nov. 14
Celebrate your family by beginning or catching up on your scrapbooking. I will be doing this today, I am 1 update behind on my scrap book. There are so many neat things out there for scrapbooking. The internet is a great place to look, and if you have a printer you can print out some really neat things to use as well.


Nov. 15
Organize your own adoption event to have later in the month. Contacting local adoption agencies is a great way to start this. Facebook is a great way to get the word out there about your event, and have your friends share the event with their friends, and talk to local businesses about sponsoring. 

I am so sorry for the lack of posting. I guess time just got away from me, my husband was home for 4 days, so I spent a lot of that with him, because he is in the midst of preparing for a deployment, so I won't be able to spend much time with him in a few months.

Nov 11 - Make a Family Tree

I keep forgetting to link to the calendar...please forgive me, if I do forget, you can find it on a post that I actually posted it on, like this one, so here is the calendar.


Nov 11
Make a family tree that includes both adoptive and birth children. This may be hard if you don't have an open or semi open adoption, but even you can at least include the children's birth parents, and even the grandparents.

Here are some links with templates!!

http://www.familytreetemplates.net/category/kids
http://genealogy.lovetoknow.com/Family_Tree_Template_for_Kids
http://www.trcabc.com/resources/free-family-tree-craft-template/
http://www.genealogybeginner.com/blank-family-tree-template

Nov 10 - Brainstorm New Traditions

Nov 10
With your family, brainstorm and create a new family tradition. My husband and I have been doing this, seeing as we're newlyweds. And this would be a great idea if you have an open adoption where you include the birth families in things. Not only would it show the child that they are super loved, but it would make the birth parents feel like they're actually part of the family, and not just some people who allowed you to parent. I know that there have been times when I've felt like an incubator, and that that was the only thing they saw me as. But if you find things to do to include them, they'd feel less that way, and more inclined to get together with ya'll.

If you have a closed adoption then maybe you can figure something out that includes the children's heritage, and your own heritage. Make it all about the children and how special and loved they truly are.