Friday, April 30, 2010

5QF - Not Vloggy Style this week, ha

Five Question Friday Rules: Copy the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then come on back to link up! If you'd like, grab the MckLinky blog hop code for your own post! Oh, yeah...and I'd love ya forever if you'd link back to Mama M.!

If you don't have a blog, but still wanna play along, feel free to put your answers in the comments below, or on any blog along the way!

And now, the...

Questions for Friday, 4/30/10: (Thanks to Linds, Sandy, Jill, Lula Lola, and Julie for their question suggestions! Wanna be linked in a future Five Question Friday? Offer up your best question suggestions over here, in her community!)

1. If you could, would you go back to high school?
HECK NO! I did not like high school at all. And I especially hate how people can't get out of high school and start that high school drama. Hello, we're adults now, leave that crap in high school and grow up. HA!

2. If a genie appeared and granted you two wishes, what would they be? (And, no saying "more wishes".)
To have the genie make our debts disappear because they are taking over our life and then to give us unlimited airline tickets so we can fly home or where ever we want whenever we want along with plenty of money to have a great time where ever we go! :)

3. What kids show do you secretly like?hmm, I haven't watched a kids show in forever, but I use to watch Hannah Montana, and other Disney Channel shows, ha

4. What is your beverage of choice?
Coca Cola, Fuze drinks, Crystal Light, Margaritas, Wine (I love them all, so I couldn't just pick ONE, haha...)

5. What is something that you would change about yourself (or are working to change in yourself)?
My weight, and I am sorda trying to get it under control. Being insecure, I hate feeling that way, but it's a part of who I am, and I'm working on it, my therapist and I are working on that, ha!


Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thursday Five

Hey Y'all..
Welcome to Thursday Five..

Wanna play?

Just post 5 things that have made you..
or all of the above..

After you do your post..go back here and link up..

Before I get into my list, I've got some stuff to talk about, haha, go figure, so I woke up yesterday, thinking I had a bladder infection, but I just took some Azo Cranberry pills, to try and ward it off, but by the evening I was just so uncomfortable, that after our Dave Ramsey class I told the LT that I wanted to go the ER. He was not happy, but I told him I'd rather go now, than wake him up in the middle of the night in worse pain. And sure enough, something was wrong. It wasn't a bladder infection, but 4 kidney stones, 1 of which I was ready to pass, like any time I peed. We ended up spending 4 hours at the ER, I thought it'd be an in and out thing, and then it turned out to be a CT scan and IV thing. UGH, the PA did NOT tell me she wanted blood work or an IV. BOOOOOOOOOOO, I hate needles and blood work, yuck. Anyways, they gave me a strainer to pee through to try and catch the stones. And so I had to pee before we left, so I took my handy little strainer and went to pee, and I caught a stone, I have suffered from Kidney Stones since like 2003, so 7 years, and every time they give me a strainer I can never happen to get one. So it's a step in the right direction, and we can hopefully figure out what is causing my kidney stones! This time around hasn't been as painful, so I'm glad we went when we did, and the LT didn't miss any work. So that's good.

Another thing going on is the Army Housing here in Hawaii is starting this mock billing system for electricity. So the older homes, i.e. the one we live in, didn't have a meter on it, so they've been installing them for like the last month or so. So today was the day for our house, they left a letter on our door saying that the power would be out from 7am until 4 pm, ugh, sure enough, right at 7am they shut the power off, and started banging on our house, so not only did I not sleep well because of the kidney stone, I was rudely woken up by banging, and that lasted until like 11am, and then about 12:30pm the power came back on, so YAY, I was not looking forward to being in the house with no power. It makes you realize how truly lucky we are to have electricity. So back to the mock billing, right now they are not charging us for electricity, and up until now they haven't put a cap on how much we use. So now, they are going to be doing this mock billing, where they'll measure how much we use, and then in, I think July 2011, they are going to actually charge us for what we use. But they are going to give us a cap, I think, if I understand correctly, they will give us an amount of how much we can use, and if we go over we owe them, but if we go under, they'll give us money, so that's a good incentive for not using a lot of electricity. I think we don't use a lot, the AC is on in our room only at night, and I don't run the one in the living room all day, just for like 30 min here and there. The TV is on all the time if we are home, because I like the background noise, and we don't run the dishwasher except at night, which is good. I do laundry once a week, or so, and I try to do it all in one day, in as little loads as possible, and we have High Effiency and save electricity! So I'd like to think we're helping, but we'll find out!

Ok, so lets get into Thursday's Five....

again, just post 5 things that have made you..
or all of the above..

1. Having a wonderful hubs who makes me laugh even when I'm in pain sitting in the ER, like he did last night. I am truly blessed!!

2. I'm so happy that the rainy season is almost over here in Hawaii, but I'm not looking forward to how hot it could get, ha!

3. I'm grateful for a place to sleep, food to eat, and electricity! This morning has made me realize how amazing America is and what a great place we live where we can have the convience of electricity. And it upsets me that I take it for granted sometimes...

4. I love that I have an awesome BFF pen pal who can cheer me up when I'm down, and who I can cheer up when she's down. I love that we have a date for a dance party when we both are feeling better!

5. Watching my little niece, Kbug, grow up, I hate not being near her, but I love being able to see her picture daily on Facebook and I love getting the random text message from Em with a picture and update on how she's growing, *hint hint - I want more pics texted to me, lol*

So I have some pictures and a video from our visit to the ER last night, but I can't find our cable for the phone to put them onto the computer, so as soon as the LT gets home, I'll ask him to help me find it! I think he was the one to use it last, haha, so as soon as I get those uploaded, I'll post them, they are precious! And if you follow me on Twitter, you've seen the photos, I tweeted them last night, I tried to tweet the video but it was going to take a really really long time, bahaha!

Don't forget to check out Keely at Mannland5 where I got this Meme from! :)


Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Adoption Awareness // Bloggers Unite

Adoption Awareness // Bloggers Unite

Posted using ShareThis

Mother's Day Question Answered

Ronnie and Suzi @ New Languages, New Loves asked the following question, so I thought since Mother's Day is right around the corner I would touch on this subject!

Great post again. As we approach Mother's day, I often wonder what is the best way to acknowledge this day with our son's birth mom. If you are comfortable, I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

That is a GREAT question. It is a tough subject, and a very touchy subject. The thing about Birth Mother's is not every Birth Mother is the same. Some take things very hard, other's not so much. I know my parents and friends and family had no idea what to do for me on that day.

The one when I was pregnant my father bought me a teddy bear that was bare foot and had an ice cream cone w/ a pickle on top and her shirt said "bear foot and pregnant" it was super cute. He took his girlfriend and me to dinner (which I then threw up after ward since I had hyperemesis). The next Mother's Day he got me a gift card to Bath & Body Works and took us to lunch again, that I did not throw up after ward! My brother even wished me a happy Mother's Day.

From a stand point of my family and friends, I had a GREAT Mother's Day, but my adoptive family did not acknowledge me AT ALL. They even ended our Facebook friendship around that time, when they told me in Jan. they were going to end it then. So I got very upset about how that went down. We never talked about how holidays were going to go, or if we would even acknowledge them. I just figured they would want to pay some respect to me since if it weren't for me they wouldn't have him. We didn't even talk about our Facebook friendships when talking about how much contact. I just assumed they would continue to be my friends like they were before I had him. We talked daily, she would message me on Facebook daily asking me questions, and what have you. I felt like they used me as an incubator, and all they wanted was my child, and they could care less about me. That was a very low place for me, because I hated feeling that way, and I would like to believe I was wrong in thinking that. But I got over it. I moved on, and since they didn't do anything for me last year, I am not expecting anything this year.

Side note: I should be getting an update in June, seeing as he'll be 1 1/2, and I'm suppose to get an update every 6 months now.

Anyways, there is something you might be interested in....Not many people know about it, because it isn't a holiday that is recognized by a lot of people, but it's called Birth Mother's Day. Here is an article about it and when it is, and what it is. It doesn't really make sense to me when Birth Mother's Day is, because it says it is the Saturday before Mother's Day, so I don't know if they mean the week before, or the day before. I think it is the day before Mother's Day, because I found this list of Holidays(and it had a date by the holidays), you should take a look, there are some bizarre things going on in May. (Here is a link about Mother's Day)

Birth Mother's Day is just another way you can THANK your birth mother for the gift she gave you. She should be honored, and you should tell her often how grateful you are for what she's done.


Monday, April 26, 2010

Getting to Know You part 1

I LOVE finding new Meme's! And I found a Sunday one, thanks to Robin @ Lolidots!!! It's called Getting to Know You, over at MannLand5! To play just go to MannLand5, get the questions, copy and paste them to your blog, and then go back and link up!!! :)

The questions..

1. If you could star in any movie genre..what would it be..romance..horror..comedy..suspense or action?
Probably a Romantic Comedy!

2. Do you recycle?
Yes, we do recycle, we put the cardboard/paper on the curb and take our cans to the parking lot of the Commissary because they'll give you 5 cents per can! Hey, I'll take any little bit we can get!!

3. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes, right after high school, a guy I dated wanted to go and needed a DD, it was not a good experience. A stripper tried to make out with my boyfriend and then me...

4. Do you have a nickname?
Manda, MandaPanda, Mander, Mandi, Sissy, Wifey

5. What's a name you can't stand to be called?
I use to get annoyed when people would call me Sarah (my first name) but now it doesn't bother me. But really, I don't have anything that I hate, besides the normal curse words, and degrating things people call woman...and this reminds me of what my grandmother says a lot "You can call me whatever you want, as long as you don't call me late for dinner!" ha
6. What are your Summer staples?
Tank Tops, Flip Flops, Sunscreen, oh wait, those are my year round staples now =P

7. What was the last thing you bought for yourself?
Oh geez, a candy bar, lol....

8. Are you happy with your boob size?
Yea, I don't mind having big ones, they get in the way sometimes, but I'd rather have big ones than small ones! haha


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Some Change is Good, right?!

It's a new comment system that a lot of people are using these days. I hate to become a follower and do like they are, but it truly does make sense, and is super easy to respond to comments, unlike the Blogger system. Here is the deal - it's called Disqus (this is the register link), it is a FREE service, and you can even sign into it with your OpenID (I'm not sure what that is...), it's just an easy way to keep track of comments you've made, and comments I get. And it makes it easier to know if someone responds to your comments, and keeps you from having to find the persons link and blog, because lets face it, having to go through all those steps is just pain stakingly dull. Ok, so here is how it works. You can go to Disqus and create an account, or you can create it when you leave a comment. There is a "name" "website" and "email" form under the comment box. Fill it out so I can respond to you, make a Disqus account if you'd like. If you already have one, then sign in, or just fill it out and hit respond. I hope I've made it clear, if you don't understand something please e-mail me - mandanegley09[at]gmail[dot]com


Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Triad and how you refer to all sides

I got a comment on "How to" part 2 from April @ Adopting our Third, I'm going to paste it in here, and link to her site, because it was a good question.

I've noticed that at times you call your child's adoptive parents "my adoptive parents." Some birth mothers find it offensive for adoptive parents to call their child's birth mother "my birth mother." What's your take on this?

I can't answer for ALL birth parents, but for me, it doesn't bother me at all. Since we were all friends before the adoption and since we have a lot of mutual friends we decided to use those terms to keep it private. That is not to say people didn't figured out who their birth mother was, and who I placed my son with. But we still keep that private. I think as time has gone by I don't mind them using my name now, but when I first got pregnant I was very ashamed, and felt very guilty. So I didn't want people to know, but as the pregnancy progressed, and I got sicker, more and more people found out. And they just put two and two together. I do get upset when people who I did not tell, or they did not tell, talks to others about our situation. I know there is one person who figured it out on their own, and was talking to people and telling them that I had a baby and gave it to my adoptive parents. I was not happy, and I don't think it is right for anyone to spread things around, even if they are true, that aren't theirs to spread. But that is a different blog, for a different day. Back to the topic at hand...

When they talk about the adoption, they will always say, "Please pray for OUR birth mother" and when I talk about them, I usually call them MY adoptive parents, sometimes THE adoptive parents. It just depends on my mood, and how I am feeling about it at the time. Sometimes I refer to them as the people who adopted my son. I try very hard not to use their names when telling people about it because I feel like that would be an invasion of privacy. But in telling my story, sometimes I feel like it is just easier to say their last name, because I did have 2 people mention asking the couple that did adopt him. (See how confusing that was, so to confuse people less, I'll say "The Red's" (not their last name, but an example...) Like I'll say, someone asked me if I had thought about "the Red's" and I will then go into why I had thought about them and why I didn't think they would be up for it. If that makes ANY sense, ha! I also try not to go into too much detail in as to why they choose adoption. It isn't my story to tell, but people will ask why they decided to adopt, and so I'll tell them that she is unable to get pregnant because she had her ovaries removed. I don't tell them why or how, just that they were removed. And I also tell people that they were thinking about adopting before she lost the ovaries, as they had always wanted 2 bio children and then to adopt. God just had other plans for them, seeing as they just have 1 bio child.

I'm going to take it one step further and touch on what we call the child. I call him MY son, because well, he is my flesh and blood, and even though I don't parent him, he will always carry my genes, and I feel like he will always be my son. They call him their son, because legally they are his parents, his guardians, so it just makes sense. Sometimes I have referred to him as OUR son. Because we all love him the same. Sometimes I get upset when I hear them say that he is their son, because it seems like they are forgetting who gave him life, but I know it isn't true, that they realize my part in our sons life. But that is something that I have to deal with. Again, these things are all on a case by case basis, and I can't talk for all birth mothers. But for me, I don't have any problem with what they refer to me as or what they call our son. And I hope they don't mind me calling them MY adoptive parents.  

I hope that answered the question, and please, if you have a question, don't hesitate to ask. I more than likely will answer you privately or post it as a blog, unless I don't feel comfortable answering, and then I will privately let you know that I got the question, but I don't feel comfortable answering right now.

Another thing April suggested is doing a "What TO Say to Birth Parents" - I am going to try to compile some things, but really I can't think of anything right now, and since so many people are different I think it would be hard to generalize that. But I may think of a way to do a post about what people have said to me that have helped. Or what you could say to ME to help. And not make it about just birth parents. Like I said, I'm not sure how that one is going to work, but just know I'm thinking about it, and appreciate the suggestion and questions. And if you have anything else you'd like to see on my blog I am totally open to suggestions.


Friday, April 23, 2010

"How to" part 3

Ok, this is the last post of the "How to" series - I did have someone ask to do a What TO say, so I'm going to work on that one. I think it will be much harder to come up with things because it really depends on a lot of things. But I will do my best to get that out there! And be looking for a FUN post later today, I figured ya'll would want something FUN after all this serious stuff!! =P

11. I was also told I would be able to move on with my life, and do things I might not have been able to do if I had kept him. That is very true; however, most people don’t think about that when they decide to place their child for adoption. I can tell you that my first thought was my son, I never thought about what it would be like for me after the adoption. I was an afterthought, and it never occurred to me what I’d be able to do once the adoption was settled. And I always say that if I hadn’t had gone through this then I wouldn’t be where I am today. But I never imagined how my life would be after I gave my son a better life. And it wasn’t an easy road for me. And I will continue to suffer from time to time. This leads into #12…

12. Nobody can prepare you for what it will be like after you sign those papers that say that child is no longer yours. And telling someone that it’s for the best and that you will be happy is kind of like #10, you have no idea what the future holds for birth parents. The road isn’t paved with smooth concrete; it’s paved with sharp rocks and curves. Please, don’t say it’s for the best. I know you think you are helping, but really, you’re not telling the birth parent anything they don’t already know. I wish someone had told me how bad it was going to hurt, leaving the hospital and going home empty handed. And some days I just don’t want the reminder that I left my heart with someone else. Because the truth is, I think about it every day. I have a HUGE hole in my heart, and no amount of words, love, talking, more children, NOTHING can fill that hole.

13. A lot of people like to think of us as selfless and wonderful, strong and brave, and tell us that we should feel good about our decision because we just made a family very happy. All of that is TRUE, but what about ME and MY FAMILY?! We suffered a loss, and all you can think of is the other family, and how HAPPY they are?! At the expense of mine. I get that you’re trying to make me feel better, but by saying that you are actually making me feel like chopped liver. Seriously, adoption was the hardest decision I have had to make, and it didn’t just affect me, it affected my family, and when you bring up the happiness the adoptive family is feeling it just stabs at that wound and makes it BLEED.

14. Some people like to think that since I’m in a semi-open adoption that I have a lot of contact with them. And I know people mean well when they ask me, but asking me if I’ve heard from them just reminds me that I can’t just pick up the phone and talk to him. If I hear from them, I will tell you. I will shout from the roof tops, and CHEER. Because I will know that he is actually doing really well, and is actually thriving in the new environment. But reminding me that I don’t have constant contact is just cruel. Even if you mean well. I will answer, and I usually don’t get mad when it is family or close friends who ask me. But if I don’t know you well enough, please don’t ask. It just takes me to a dark place.

15. This goes along with #11, with the whole, moving on thing. And I even had the adoptive family say it to me, but that they needed to not have as much contact so they could move on and that too much contact is “unhealthy.” Those words cut me SO deep. It was fairly early on after his birth, and since we had been friends before, and had become very close during my pregnancy, I thought it would continue. So people have told me that having contact isn’t healthy. But I beg to differ. I think it helps me; it makes me realize that I did make the right choice, and that he is better off. That isn’t to say that he would be miserable with me, because I’m sure we would have been just fine. But I LOVE hearing from them and I LOVE getting pictures of him, and seeing how happy and healthy he is. So my having some contact is not UNHEALTHY, but helps me move forward with my life, and helps me to heal. I also don’t think it is right to tell someone what is or is not healthy for them if you are not a doctor. And all my doctors have said limited contact is fine. So until you get a doctorate please keep those comments to yourself.

Ok, I think this is long enough(6 pages and 3,767 words), and some of them may seem like I’m repeating myself, and I think I might have in some cases, but it’s not being edited, and I’m going to leave it alone. I said I wasn’t going to edit it, and I have only a little, I’ve more added than changed things. But like I said in the first post, this is about what I have to say and not about how I said, remember? So, if there are mistakes, misspellings (which shouldn’t be since I wrote this in Word, even though I just noticed the new blogger posting page has a spell check…), coma splices or other grammatical errors, please look over them! I hope this helped ya’ll to understand some of what a birth parent goes through, and helps you to remember to think before you speak! Again, thanks for taking the time for reading this and I just want to thank Anna at Adoptive Momma of Two for linking to these posts, and allowing me the chance to educate. I’m thinking about doing other posts like this in the future, if you like stuff like this, or have questions, or things you’d like to see on my blog, please comment or email me, just put in the subject line my blog name and that way I won’t automatically send it to spam!!


"How to" part 2

There are about 15 that I've come up with, so I'm doing them 5 at a time, so there is one more post after this, I appreciate all the comments and I am glad that I have helped some realize the errors of their ways! I honestly thought I was going to stop at 12 or 13, but I was able to think of a few more. So thanks for taking the time to read and comment!!!

6. Some people told me that I was a bad mother for even thinking about adoption. I’m here to tell you, that I am a great mother, who put her child’s needs before her own. I’m a great mother because I realized that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own, and that I couldn’t give him what he needed more than anything, a stable environment with a mother and a father. No matter how much I wanted to keep him, no matter how hard I tried, I could not give him what he so desperately deserves, a father.

7. Some people told me that legally the father has to pay, and that legally the father has to do this and that. YES, a father SHOULD pay and be a part of a child’s life. But I didn’t feel like battling a man who refused to believe this child was his, who refused to take the consequences of his actions. I’ve seen way too many people suffering and trying to get their dead beat baby daddy’s to pay child support, or spend time with their children. And I didn’t feel that was fair to put my son in that situation. I grew up in a broken home. I know the toll it had on me, and I could not imagine putting a child through that. The birth father stopped talking to me after I told him I was pregnant, and I only held onto his phone number so I would be able to get a hold of him if I needed him to sign papers. (And before someone jumps on me about that statement, I told him what I was planning on doing, and gave him PLENTY of chances to talk to me about this, so it’s not like I didn’t give him a choice, because I did….) And I did need him to sign the papers, and even when he met the lawyer to sign the papers giving up his rights (but didn’t say whether he was the father or not) he told him that it wasn’t his kid. And the lawyer said “probably not, but I still need your signature.” When the lawyer told me that, I laughed. Of course he wasn’t the father, because of course, since I slept with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend or my husband that must make me a slut, and that must mean this child could have 15 different fathers. Hello, this isn’t Maury. And I knew who the father was, I may have gotten myself in a bad situation, but I was not sleeping with multiple men. And I don’t need people asking me if I’m sure he’s the father, or he can’t be the father. Because I know who I slept with, and when I slept with them, and when I got pregnant.

8. I have never been asked, but I know some have been asked if they received any payment. I did get asked if they helped with my medical expenses. They did not. I know that in some situations adoptive parents will pay for the medical expenses of the birth mother, my adoptive parents did not. However, it is illegal for adoptive parents to outright give money to the birth parents. They can pay medical expenses, and I encourage you to ask for the help, I however, did not. Since I knew the adoptive parents fairly well, I didn’t feel right asking for them to pay for my medical bills. They did pay for the adoption counselor; however, the lady I decided to go with was NOT helpful. (I can touch on that later) I was brought up to never ask how much something cost, or how much someone gets paid. It is just rude. Just like you wouldn’t ask an adoptive parent how much their adoption cost, you should not ask a birth parent how much they received. Chances are they only received enough for medical expenses, if anything at all. I know some agencies will help birth parents with the medical costs. We went with a private attorney and therefore I was unable to receive any assistance from an agency. Some people when they ask about the medical expenses say things like, well, they should because they would more than likely have those same medical costs if they were pregnant themselves. Which may be true, however, I was very sick and in and out of the hospital, so I racked up quite a bit of medical costs, and all pregnancies are different, so who’s to say they would have had the same expenses as I did. There is no telling.

9. The most annoying one I got was people would thank me for choosing life. That is so annoying. I really have no words to argue that one though. I heard it every time someone heard my story, or heard what I was doing. It’s like, if you knew me AT ALL, then you would know that abortion was NOT an option for me. Even though I got pregnant out of wedlock doesn’t mean I am not a Christian and believe that a child is a child at conception, and that abortion is the killing of babies. Because guess what, I’m a Christian, I just strayed and made a mistake. But my son didn’t have to suffer because of my wrong doings. I am not in any way attacking anyone who has had an abortion at one time or another; I am merely stating what I believe. And why I didn’t go that path.

10. Nobody knows what the future holds, except God, so this next one is just DUMB. “You can always have more children later.” Well, possibly. But like I said, you’re not God. And only God knows the plans He has for me. Thanks for the vote of confidence though, I mean, I guess. That is just, ugh. That’s all I can think when this one comes to mind. Its like, are you trying to make me feel better, because you suck at it. First of all, how do you know that I will want children later, or that I will even be able to get pregnant again? There are several cases where birth mothers find themselves suffering from secondary infertility. So telling someone they will have a baby later could possibly hurt them later on in life, when they in fact cannot have another child. Again, it all boils down to thinking before you speak.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

"How to" part 1

So, I haven't added to the list today, but I will tomorrow before I add the rest of the things I want to say. Here are the first 5. Like I said yesterday, these are things that I've dealt with personally, and some I've heard of, and I've used my personal experience to explain how those things might make a birth parent feel.

Ok, on to the list of things NOT to say!

1. I got this A LOT, and I know other’s do too. And I’ll just tell you up front, that if it hadn’t been for people asking me if I had thought about so-and-so to adopt, I might not have picked the family I did. However, just because you know someone who knows someone who wants to adopt doesn’t mean you should tell the birth parent. Just because your best friend’s sister’s husband’s aunt and uncle’s child wants to adopt, doesn’t mean they should tell you about them. Only two people brought up the couple I ended up placing with, and I had already started thinking about them. But I had people tell me there was a lady who I worked with who wanted to adopt, and I was not comfortable placing with someone I would see every day, even though I picked an open adoption. I did not know I would be moving all the way across the country at the time, I did not feel that couple was a good fit. I also had my first OB ask to adopt my child, after he found out it was a boy. He has 4 girls, and I guess his wife had told him that she did not want to try again, so he saw a perfect chance to get his son. I changed doctors shortly after that conversation. I was very scared that he’d drug me and take my son from me, and I just went back to the days when girls were drugged and not able to see their children before signing the papers. And I couldn’t put myself in that situation, especially since the family I asked decided to adopt after all. How horrible would it have been if the doctor had done that? I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. So, if you know someone who wants to adopt, or know someone who knows someone, just keep it to yourself, chances are, if they are going through an agency, their profile will be shown to someone, and chances are they’ll get picked one day.

2. There was a mother at the school I worked at; she was a single mother of 2 children. She tried to talk me out of the adoption every time I saw her. It got exhausting trying to explain myself to her. Her reasoning for keeping him was that there was assistance, and food stamps and state insurance, and she would tell me these things like I didn’t already know there was assistance. I knew there was assistance, I was on WIC and food stamps, and for a while I had state insurance, until they screwed me over, and canceled it. But I didn’t want to rely on the government for the rest of my life. I didn’t want my child to be a “welfare baby,” it’s not that I thought there was anything wrong with that, I just wanted better for my son. Money wasn’t the only reason I wanted to place my son for adoption.

3. People also said things about how they weren’t that strong, or how they could never do something like that. You really can’t say things like that until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes. And what is right for me might not be right for you. But to say that to someone is not making them feel better about their choice, even if you mean it to. As a mother we want what is best for our children, and if you are a mother, than you know that. But if you aren’t a mother than you haven’t experienced that yet. And until you do, I wouldn’t go around saying how you couldn’t do something. Because if it is in the best interest of your child, you’ll do it. Would you really tell someone who had lost a child to death that you would never do that? Because I’m pretty sure nobody wants to know what it feels like to have a child die. And I’m not saying that adoption and death are related, just that saying things like not knowing if you could do something before being in that position is hurtful. And is insensitive.

4. Just because someone found them self unmarried and pregnant does NOT mean they are a bad person. They just found themselves in a bad place, people make mistakes. So please, don’t pass judgment. The only person who can judge another is God, and last time I checked He was still in Heaven. I know, for me, I was in a very dark place, I don’t know what led to that place, and I don’t know why I felt that way. But I made a mistake, I put myself in a situation that I shouldn’t have. And because of that situation, I wound up pregnant. I decided to have unprotected sex with someone who wasn’t my husband, and I think I’ve paid for that 10 fold. I don’t need you, and neither does any other birth mom, need you to tell us what horrible people we are. We already feel bad enough; and you telling us how horrible we are or what a horrible thing we’ve done is just making us feel even more like failures. And not all birth moms are unmarried, some of them are married, and their circumstances are different than the single birth moms, but that doesn’t make them a horrible person either. I don’t think I need to go into the reasons why a person chooses to put their child up for adoption; this isn’t that kind of post!

5. Something that people liked to tell me was that the pain gets better with time. I don’t want to hear that. And that is not always the case. I mean, yes, as time moved on, it got easier to handle. But it still hurts, and I’m still without my son. This is NOT something that we can sweep under the rug and just get over. We carried a child in our womb for 9 long months. Some of us had harder pregnancies than others, and we were invested in this little life, that won’t go away over night. Just like baby weight, you can’t expect to wake up one morning and get skinny, you have to work at it, and it takes time. Some days are better than others; some days are so unbearable you don’t want to get out of bed. Some days you are uber happy. It’s like a case of emotional bi-polar. Honest. One day I am just so happy and content with my decision, and then other days I feel like I made a mistake, or that I’ll never get better. I wouldn’t call it regret, but its close, and I like to play the “what if” game, which only ends up making me feel worse.


The other blog

I'm not sure how many of you read the blog I made for our family since we moved to Hawaii, but I've made changes, there was someone who recently posted some nonsense about our country and troops, and I had commented on her blog about it, and she just dedicated a whole blog to me, and linked to my other blog, with my full name, which I had stupidly put on here, yea, I'm not the brightest bulb sometimes, so anyways, if you are following that site you might want to refollow since I changed the URL and our title...I'm not sure how that would work, if it would change automaticly or what, but just in case, here is the link!


A "How to" Introduction, of sorts

So, I think it was last week, Anna, over at Adoptive Momma of Two wrote a guide about things you might want to stop and think about before you say them to someone who is dealing with infertility. So it got me thinking about things that people have said to me, and other birth parents that were just so insensitive and hurt so bad.

I actually have been told MANY things that have made me go “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!” Like these people just didn’t think before they spoke. So I’m going to give you some examples. So you can be more aware when you talk to a birth parent. The reasoning for not saying these things is all from MY personal experience and my personal feelings. But I think it will help ya’ll better understand how to handle a conversation with a birth parent.

I’m not telling you to walk on egg shells around us, but to think before you utter the stupid phrases that cut us so deep, and make us run for cover. You may mean well, but you could more than likely make things worse.

There was something about starting a blog that made me cringe, that is why I didn’t do it sooner. I was afraid of what people would say. I was scared of the backlash I might get, the negative comments I would have get. And I honestly haven’t had ANYONE say something negative to me on my blog, but I have had some negative comments on forums. And for the most part, I just let it slide. But I think it’s time someone wrote a “how to,” if you will, on what you shouldn’t say.

This is VERY personal for me, and I’ve put more of myself into this post than any other post, up to now. Even the ones that I tell you my story, this has opened up wounds I thought I had healed. It has taken me 2 days so far to write. And is more than likely going to be WELL over 2000 words. (I’m writing it in Word, so I have no spelling errors.) I also said I wasn’t going to edit it, but I changed my mind, and have already done so, and will probably read over it and change some things, take something out, but more than likely add something.) I’m going to do this in 3 posts. This will be the introduction of the “series,” for a lack of a better term, and then the next 2 posts will be the actual list of things I’ve compiled.

I am not a writer, and I never got good grades on papers, so please, have mercy on me! This is more about what I have to say, then HOW I write it.


Saturday, April 17, 2010


Alright...rules: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, thenc'mon back and link up! If it floats your boat, grab the Blog Hop code and paste that in too! I would also be incredibly grateful if you would link back to me, Mama M.!

Don't have a blog, say you? Well, feel free to answer in the comments below, or on any blog along the way!

Questions for Friday, April 16th: (Thanks to Robin, Heidi, Renee, Cascia, and C-Dub for their question suggestions or inspiration! If YOU would like to be linked in a future Five Question Friday, just head on over here, to my Blog Frog community, where I've started a brand spankin' new thread, just for all your burning questions!)

1. What words do you use on your blog/online that you don't use in real life?
I never say "IDK" or "LOL" or "WTF" - I will say "I don't know" and "what the $#*&" and instead of "LOL" I'll just laugh or say that's funny. I'm sure there are other's but I'm just at a loss.

2. Do you still write checks?
Yes, there are a couple debts we have where we have to write checks, however, we are trying to pay them with money orders so they can't get in our checking account. But that really only applies to one collection agency right now, because they were not nice.

3. Who was your favorite President and why?
This is a silly reason, but Reagan only because he was President when I was born......

4. Are you a yeller?
Sometimes, yes, I try not to though...

5. Have you ever dumpster dived?
Can't say that I have...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I merely reposted the Adoption Awareness graphics so that the few new readers who have been touched by adoption could see them and snag them. I never imagined it would generate new readers or commenter's. I am in AWE! As I said on Twitter the other day "Is in awe of all the love I've gotten from reposting the adoption awareness graphics. I didn't expect that. Or do it for the attention. Thnx" I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. Wow, I really needed it. I have been having a very rough few days. And I'll get into them, after I post this picture of how I am thinking about getting my hair cut on Friday, it might be a little longer and definitely won't be blonde, hahaha

Ok, now back to how I've been feeling lately. I think that since it has been 4 months since I got an update that I am just feeling SO upset and unsure about things. I don't have a recent photo of him, I don't even have a picture from his first birthday because they sent my 1 year update before his birthday. I just don't know how I feel about it. I should be getting one in 2 months. Now that he's 1 it'll be every 6 months. And when he turns 4 it'll be yearly. I'm trying not to be picky, or selfish, and I'm so grateful that they do provide updates, but I would love more frequent ones, at least until he's a little older. The first few years they change so much, and he was so behind in things because of his illness. Like when I got my 1 year update, he hadn't started walking yet, and he was just Army crawling. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much, and I know it was my decision to give him a better life, but a part of me just misses him more than anything. I think all these feelings are normal, and I'm sure they are. But they still hurt and stink.

Apparently some people where afraid I would try to get him back once Steven and I married. Well, they're just stupid, that is not even possible. Even if we had all the money in the world, no judge would ever take a child from the home they've known for so long. Unless there was something going on inside that home, that was deemed unfit for a child. But he is in a loving and caring, stable environment. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about what could be if I had met Steven sooner, or that it would be nice to raise my son with him. BUT that is not possible, and it definitely isn't in the best interest of my son. I don't regret my decision, and I don't wish I could change it. And for people to think that and not bring those fears to me is just stupid. And they should just leave well enough alone. I was really pissed off when I heard that. And I have no idea who all said it. But they are in no position to judge or tell me how to live or what to do. I hope they read this and realize how retarded they were for even thinking something like that. I hope they read this and see how much pain that caused me, and realize the stupidity of it. I mean, seriously. Someone I talked to about it, said they probably thought that because I refer to him as "my son" well, I'm here to tell you that no matter what I call him, they would probably still think that. And no matter what I call him it won't change the fact that he is MY SON, I carried him for 9 months, he is HALF me...just because I'm not parenting doesn't mean he is less my son or isn't my son. And just because I refer to him as my son doesn't mean that I'm not moving on or I'm living in the past. I think I've come a long way in the past 16 months.

I don't feel like I should justify things, or explain myself, but I do. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like I owe people an explanation, I don't feel like they deserve one. I don't know them well enough to think I need to explain things to them. I certainly wouldn't expect the same from them, if the roles were reversed. I realize that my situation is kind of scary for some people, and that people walk on egg shells around me, with things they say or do. But I think they should stop. If you feel the need to talk about me behind my back, then you should be able to say it to my face. I've always hated confrontation, but finding things out just hurts all the more, and makes me hate to be in group settings, or have friends, because I'm always worried they're talking about me when I'm not there. And crap like that just feeds on that fear. Makes it more real. I'm flattered that they think about me all the time, but at the same time, it's like, move on with your life. Your life isn't perfect, far from it. So concentrate on yourself, and I'll concentrate on me. KTHNXBYE....

There are so many people around here pregnant, especially in our Battalion, because they just got back from Iraq at the end of last year, so all deployment babies. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset seeing all the pregnant ladies and new borns. I am extremely happy for everyone who is expecting, don't take my being upset as unhappy for them, because I am super happy for them, but I just have baby fever pretty bad. My uterus tugs, and pulls and I just get this urge to have a baby. But we are waiting. I keep telling people, we rushed everything else, this is one thing where we can take our time! I mean, we've only been married 6 months this month, and have known each other 1 year, so we need time. Time to enjoy one another, and find our groove. I'm in no way prepared for a child, and I'm in way ready to get pregnant, but when you are surrounded by several pregnant woman, it's hard not to want to have one! Ha!

Ok, well, this is long enough, let me know what ya'll think about the hair cut, and I'll post pictures when I get it done! Again, I appreciate all the link love ya'll gave me from the repost I did, it meant the world to me!!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Repost - Adoption Awareness Graphics

I put this post up in November, in honor of Adoption Awareness Month, but I have gained some new readers since then, and they have been touched by Adoption. So I thought I would repost them for the new readers! I made these myself. I belong to a graphic's site on Myspace, and got some ideas from the ladies there. Hope you enjoy! Let me know if you use one or two. I'd love to come by and see what you did with it. Also, please save to your own computer and upload it into your own photo uploading program. Thanks!



Adoptive Parents:

Birth Mother:


Adoptee Sibling:

Sunday, April 11, 2010


I have been so stinking irritable for the last couple of days. The hubs asked yesterday if I was about start my period. I just go off at the drop of a hat, and I can't figure out why. I shouldn't start my period for another week. Since I'm on the patch, I can pretty much tell you when I'll start and when I'm not suppose to. Since you change it every Sunday (or whenever you want) and the week you don't wear one you're suppose to be on your period. Well, this is the last patch for the month. I changed it this morning. So I shouldn't start for a week. But I think I might just have PMS really bad for a week before I start. I've always been this way. Irritable around that time. And for the most part I can control it. But lately, I just can't. And every little thing is getting me mad. I hate feeling like this. But I just can't seem to get it under control.

I also have been having a hard time concentrating on things I enjoy. Like the community I joined. I find myself just half interested in it. I might just take a break from it, and come back in a day or two. I think some of it stems from the fact that I just feel so behind when I miss stuff for a day or so. Like yesterday, I didn't get a chance to check it until late yesterday (mostly by the time everyone else was gone) and I just felt overwhelmed with all I missed. I'm working on this and trying to figure it out.

My psych thinks that when I feel overwhelmed it is because I just don't want to do something. And that might be true on some things. But I want to chat on the community, I want to blog, I want to design stuff on Photo shop. But maybe I don't want to clean the house, or pick up trash, but I need to. And I know I should. Some times I do use being overwhelmed as an excuse. But for the most part. I don't know where to start with cleaning, and I don't know how to do it. I've gotten a lot of good advice, and I have been trying to get motivated to try it. I just can't. I don't know why. But I can't. We did get the bathroom cleaned, I just have to do the shower. Which I will later, because I'm about to go to another baby shower.

I haven't been sleeping well either. Last night I think since I had been out in the sun most the day I was just so tired that it didn't take long for my night time meds to work, but I just don't feel refreshed, or renewed now. I feel so tired. And I've felt like that for a few days now. I got super shaky and dizzy the other day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I ate and drank a coke, thinking that might help. And it did for a bit, but then I just felt that way again. And yesterday after we had been at the first baby shower, which was at the beach, it was so pretty. I just was so tired, I didn't want to do anything. We had stuff to do, and the hubs wanted me to drive, but I told him there was no way I could drive, I was just too tired. And he wanted to take forever in the store we went to, and I just wanted to go home.

Anyways, gonna get going, going to a baby shower! It won't be the last, we have so many pregnant ladies in my hubs battalion since they just got back from Iraq! I think there are only a select few of ladies who aren't pregnant within the battalion, and we are one of them, and we are hoping to stay that way for a while. We want to be more financially stable before we go and have a kid. And I want to have a routine down for the house, and keeping it clean, and what not. But we do want children, so bad. There was a 9 month old little girl at the baby shower yesterday, and watching the hubs hold her made me want one so bad, and I was like, are you sure you don't want one now, and he was like, yes...but he just looked SO good holding one. But we will wait. And when we do have kids, it'll be great!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Five Question Friday

I think I'm going to start doing a new Meme on Fridays, as well as Show Us Your Life, when it applies! This week Kelly is taking a break from the computer and we're going to do it next week instead, so I'm going to do Mama M.'s Five Question Friday (5QF) - go to her site to play along!

This is straight from Mama M.

Questions for Friday, April 9th: (Thanks to Renee, Pam, LulaLola, Robin, and Me!! for their question suggestions! Wanna be linked in a future 5QF? Head on over to my Blog Frog community to offer up YOUR best question suggestions! Oh, and does anyone think we need to start a fresh thread for 5QF over there? Sometimes, I feel lost with all the questions over there!)

Now to answer the questions, here goes!!!!

1. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life?
Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Sanrda Bullock, Kate Hudson, or Chelsea Handler

2. Did you ever go to summer camp?
Yes, a few times in Elementary school, YMCA Camp because my mom worked. Although I never really went to sleep away camps. I went on a few Girl Scout camping trips, and some church trips, but nothing like Summer camp.

3. What sends you running and screaming in the other direction?
Spiders, Geckos, Snakes, Bloodwork, and household chorse, ha

4. What is something you do that drives your spouse nuts?
Tickle him or pester him. He hates being tickled or picked on. Oh and the fact that I rarely shower every day...

5. What is currently your favorite song?
Oh my goodness...there are a few that are all time favorites, but as for right now, I can't think of one..."I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz was going to be our first dance, but since we got married in a small southern Baptist church we couldn't play it because it says "damn" hahah, so we danced to "Amanda" by Boston because my father always said whoever I married should know that songl...and "Brown Eyed Girl" by Van Morrison because it was the song my dad and mom dances to at his Christmas party the year I was born, and it was the one we danced to at my wedding!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Hypocritical - Are you guilty?

So I'm sitting in the Dave Ramsey class waiting for it to start and my hubs to get here and I figured now is a good time to blog about what's been on my mind since yesterday.

Hypocrites....I think we've all been guilty of it before. Whether you realized it or not. Nobody's perfect, right? I've had my share of hypocritical moments. Hello I had a kid outta wedlock. And I drank before I was 21 yet I expect my sister to wait to drink til she's old enough and to have sex after she's married. But I think there is a difference in telling someone not to do something you yourself have done in the past and what you do now. I think hypocrisy is more along the lines of telling someone not to curse and then going and cursing. Or telling someone not to smoke crack and then going and scoring.

What got me upset is telling people that it's not okay to do something nice for yourself and then go and do exactly that. I was starting to feel very guilty about wanting to do something for myself. I did stop...but mainly because money got tight. But I also started feeling guilty. And now I feel like a putz for ever feeling guilty.

Now I could be totally misunderstanding what they were trying to say. It was said while talking about putting your family first. Making sure the kids and husband are cared for. And putting their needs first. Which I agree with. But I think that every once in a while you need to take a break. Get away from it all. Do something nice for yourself. (I can be very bad with words and how I explain things so please just be patient lol) I think that in order to do your best for your family you have to be your best. And sometimes taking time for you is a way you do that. It won't matter to your husband if you cooked dinner if you are in a bad mood or unhappy. And most of the time he'll probably not even notice the effort you made (because most men aren't observant.) but you could have done a better job on dinner if you took a time out and set aside a time for yourself.

I'm not saying do it every day or weekly. Maybe monthly. Or whenever you start to feel burnt out. And be reasonable with what you decide to do.

I'm also not saying you shouldn't pray, worship, study, read your bible daily. Because you should do that daily. Its something I need to work on. I try so hard to do so daily but I just can't seem to do it. I just thought I'd put that out there so people won't think I'm trying to be a hypocrite. Because I really am not. As a matter of fact I have a few prayer requests I need to lift up that I will do when I'm done here.

So I guess my post took a turn. But I think I may have misunderstood what was said as hypocrisy when it really wasn't. But then again who knows!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry


Be on the lookout for a new blog, I started it on my phone while waiting for the hubs before our Dave Ramsey class, and wasn't able to finish it, so I will do it while I'm in bed, since it takes me forever to fall asleep these days! So keep your eyes out! Ha!