Friday, April 23, 2010

"How to" part 3

Ok, this is the last post of the "How to" series - I did have someone ask to do a What TO say, so I'm going to work on that one. I think it will be much harder to come up with things because it really depends on a lot of things. But I will do my best to get that out there! And be looking for a FUN post later today, I figured ya'll would want something FUN after all this serious stuff!! =P

11. I was also told I would be able to move on with my life, and do things I might not have been able to do if I had kept him. That is very true; however, most people don’t think about that when they decide to place their child for adoption. I can tell you that my first thought was my son, I never thought about what it would be like for me after the adoption. I was an afterthought, and it never occurred to me what I’d be able to do once the adoption was settled. And I always say that if I hadn’t had gone through this then I wouldn’t be where I am today. But I never imagined how my life would be after I gave my son a better life. And it wasn’t an easy road for me. And I will continue to suffer from time to time. This leads into #12…

12. Nobody can prepare you for what it will be like after you sign those papers that say that child is no longer yours. And telling someone that it’s for the best and that you will be happy is kind of like #10, you have no idea what the future holds for birth parents. The road isn’t paved with smooth concrete; it’s paved with sharp rocks and curves. Please, don’t say it’s for the best. I know you think you are helping, but really, you’re not telling the birth parent anything they don’t already know. I wish someone had told me how bad it was going to hurt, leaving the hospital and going home empty handed. And some days I just don’t want the reminder that I left my heart with someone else. Because the truth is, I think about it every day. I have a HUGE hole in my heart, and no amount of words, love, talking, more children, NOTHING can fill that hole.

13. A lot of people like to think of us as selfless and wonderful, strong and brave, and tell us that we should feel good about our decision because we just made a family very happy. All of that is TRUE, but what about ME and MY FAMILY?! We suffered a loss, and all you can think of is the other family, and how HAPPY they are?! At the expense of mine. I get that you’re trying to make me feel better, but by saying that you are actually making me feel like chopped liver. Seriously, adoption was the hardest decision I have had to make, and it didn’t just affect me, it affected my family, and when you bring up the happiness the adoptive family is feeling it just stabs at that wound and makes it BLEED.

14. Some people like to think that since I’m in a semi-open adoption that I have a lot of contact with them. And I know people mean well when they ask me, but asking me if I’ve heard from them just reminds me that I can’t just pick up the phone and talk to him. If I hear from them, I will tell you. I will shout from the roof tops, and CHEER. Because I will know that he is actually doing really well, and is actually thriving in the new environment. But reminding me that I don’t have constant contact is just cruel. Even if you mean well. I will answer, and I usually don’t get mad when it is family or close friends who ask me. But if I don’t know you well enough, please don’t ask. It just takes me to a dark place.

15. This goes along with #11, with the whole, moving on thing. And I even had the adoptive family say it to me, but that they needed to not have as much contact so they could move on and that too much contact is “unhealthy.” Those words cut me SO deep. It was fairly early on after his birth, and since we had been friends before, and had become very close during my pregnancy, I thought it would continue. So people have told me that having contact isn’t healthy. But I beg to differ. I think it helps me; it makes me realize that I did make the right choice, and that he is better off. That isn’t to say that he would be miserable with me, because I’m sure we would have been just fine. But I LOVE hearing from them and I LOVE getting pictures of him, and seeing how happy and healthy he is. So my having some contact is not UNHEALTHY, but helps me move forward with my life, and helps me to heal. I also don’t think it is right to tell someone what is or is not healthy for them if you are not a doctor. And all my doctors have said limited contact is fine. So until you get a doctorate please keep those comments to yourself.

Ok, I think this is long enough(6 pages and 3,767 words), and some of them may seem like I’m repeating myself, and I think I might have in some cases, but it’s not being edited, and I’m going to leave it alone. I said I wasn’t going to edit it, and I have only a little, I’ve more added than changed things. But like I said in the first post, this is about what I have to say and not about how I said, remember? So, if there are mistakes, misspellings (which shouldn’t be since I wrote this in Word, even though I just noticed the new blogger posting page has a spell check…), coma splices or other grammatical errors, please look over them! I hope this helped ya’ll to understand some of what a birth parent goes through, and helps you to remember to think before you speak! Again, thanks for taking the time for reading this and I just want to thank Anna at Adoptive Momma of Two for linking to these posts, and allowing me the chance to educate. I’m thinking about doing other posts like this in the future, if you like stuff like this, or have questions, or things you’d like to see on my blog, please comment or email me, just put in the subject line my blog name and that way I won’t automatically send it to spam!!



Ronnie and Suzi said...

Thanks for these posts. We have an adoptive son and his birthmom has become like a sister to me, even though we met just 1 week before he was born. The day his adoption finalized was one of those bipolar emotions kind of days seeing her struggle on what was a happy day for our family. I try to look at the entire adoption as a marriage of sorts. We locked families forever that day and divorce is not an option. I enjoyed reading your words and look forward to hearing more of your thoughts in the future. Thanks again for your honesty and openness.

Unknown said...

I agree with a what to say to birth parents blog..cuz now i have no idea what is helpful. Although, I think it may just be one of those situations that hurts so bad that no matter what is said or how kind or well-meaning, it hurts.

Thanks for sharing, even though it was hard.