Sinking

I feel myself sinking…slowing drifting into depression. Into the darkness.

This holiday season is fast approaching, and with that comes the 3rd birthday of my son, and the emptiness that I sometimes feel when it comes to him. It’s just not natural to carry a child for 9 months and give birth to a baby, and then proceed to go home empty handed and spend the rest of your life without them. I remember the first few weeks, luckily I never woke up in a panic thinking I heard him or afraid I’d miss a feeding. But I did feel empty, my arms felt empty. I’d rock myself to sleep, instead of an infant, because it felt so weird to be going to bed without him. I would cry myself to sleep, begging God to bring him back. Knowing that he was better off with his new family, and that I’d be better in time. Knowing that I did what was best for everyone involved. I gave the best gift to a family who could no longer have children, and I gave the best gift to my son - a mother, father and brother, 2 of those things I couldn’t give him, well, the brother part is something I could have eventually, but the dad part, sure I could have met someone to take the roll, but that void would have still been there, and he deserved to have a father, a loving father, a Godly father.  He will always know how much he is loved, and wanted.

But another reason I’m starting to feel a little depressed is because this will be the 1st Christmas without my husband home. It won’t be our first Thanksgiving apart, we spent our first Thanksgiving apart, and granted the circumstances are totally different, as he was in Hawaii and I was still home, it still stunk. But at least we got to spend last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I’m going home to the mainland for Christmas. I’m not too excited about the traveling, but I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family. But it’s not going to be the same. By all accounts we’re lucky to have spent 2 Christmases in a row together, but it doesn’t make the fact that we’re not together any easier. And I just feel so bad for him, because he’s all alone, and I’ll be with friends and family…

I put on a good front for people, on the outside I look great, but inside, I’m slowly creeping inside myself. I know I have friends who won’t let that happen, and I’m so incredibly lucky.

So, to my friends and family, thanks in advanced. I love ya’ll more than anything!

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

Father’s Day

So, I always tell my father and grandfather’s Happy Father’s Day, but for the most part, Father’s day for me is just any other day. I think if the sperm donor had been better to me, I might feel differently, but since he was such a jerk, and never really ever took responsibility for our son, I just don’t care for the day. And I don’t think I ever will until my husband and I  have children of our own.

Someone at one of the adoption/birthmom blogs I follow mentioned doing a birthfather’s day, like there is birthmom’s day, but for me, I don’t feel like they deserve a day. I know there are birthfather’s out there who are great guys, and who helped the birthmom out, but since that wasn’t my experience, I have no reason to want to celebrate them. I’m sure this isn’t going to be a popular outlook on it, but it’s my personal feelings, and my personal opinion, and I think I’m justified in feeling this way because of the experience I had. And if you don’t like it, then just keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

The adoptive father has done more for him in the 2 1/2 years then the sperm donor could have ever done in 18+ years. It’s sad to think about it, it’s upsetting and frustrating, and it pisses me off.

It’s not fair that he just moved on with his life, acted as if this never happened. I’m sure if you asked him if he had kids he’d say no. But here I am taking on the sperm donor’s responsibility and going on with my life the best way I know how. And trying so hard not to allow my personal feelings for this guy influence how my son will feel about him.

I don’t know what the sperm donor is doing these days, and for all we know in 10 years he could be married and a wonderful father. But for now, he’s just a dead beat sperm donor who doesn’t even deserve a blog post about him, but yet, here I am…

And if anyone has a problem with me calling him sperm donor, read above, keep your mouth shut, we can just agree to disagree.

Today's the Day

Today is National Adoption Awareness Day!


Nov. 20
Support your local adoption community by attending a ceremony. Now I have no clue what was done around my community for it, I'm going to go out on a limb and say absolutely nothing...and it's pretty sad that I didn't go looking for something, but to be honest, I slept til well after 1pm today...and I have not done any research to see what is going on in the community about adoption, I haven't looked for support groups, I've thought about it plenty, but I'm not sure if I want to put myself out there. It is no secret that I am a birth mom, but I am scared.

I know people judge me for it, and I know people think badly about my decision, they say rude things about me behind my back, and to others who know me. They've spread rumors and talked completely and utter CRAP about my situation and how I could ever do something like that. They don't care why I did it, they want to think badly of me for it, and so there really is no reason to tell them my reasoning. They're going to skew it into me being a selfish, unloving, uncaring person who just didn't want a child. I've seen it, I've heard it. People don't think that the stuff will get back to me, but it has. And it HURTS. I'm a very loving and caring person, and I do want children. And I never once thought about myself when I was making my adoption plan. It was all about how my child would be better off without me. It wasn't until after I had already made my mind up that I realized what this meant for me, in terms of making something for myself. And I never thought of my adoption plan as temporary, something I'd try to reverse once I found someone and got married. I was not looking to get married when I met my husband, marriage was the farthest thing from my mind, I was looking to go back to school, finish my degree, teach and then hopefully somewhere down the road get married. It just so happened I met my husband when my son was 2 months old and started dating him when he was only 3 months. By the time my husband and I got married it was far to late to change my mind about the adoption, there was no turning back on that. And anyone who knows something about adoption knows that it is very hard to get an adoption turned around. It would have cost a lot of money, taken a lot of time, and in the end, would have ended up being a completely and utter waste of time, money and energy. See, we did things by Georgia law, which allowed me to sign the papers in the hospital, and gave me 10 days to change my mind(quite a few states have this grace period.) After the 10 days you CANNOT withdraw your surrender.

(While looking to see which law we used, I found this to be quite interesting, it's from adoption.com, and it's about when consent to adopt can take place....

"Only two States (Alabama and Hawaii) allow the birth mother to consent before the birth of her child; however, the decision to consent must be reaffirmed after the child's birth."

Anyways, it made me giggle that people were saying I was going to try and get my son back now that I was married, they clearly don't know anything about adoption and how it works. I just don't get how people can be so uneducated about things. It's not like my son is in any harm or danger living with his parents, he's thriving and doing really well, so trying to get him back wouldn't be in his best interest, and would not only hurt him, but his family, and I could never do that to him or his family. Not to mention it wouldn't be fair to my husband, to ask him to raise a child that isn't his. Even though I know that if I had kept my son, and met my husband he would have done so willingly. And not that I think it is wrong to do that. I know many people who had children before they met their significant other and the s/o welcomed their children with open arms. Even being a better parent then the child's birth parent. So I know it can work. But this isn't what was meant to happen, I feel very strongly that I am living the life I was meant to live, and my son is living the life he was meant to live.

Even though I knew very early in my pregnancy that my son was meant for another family doesn't mean he is any less my son. But I just wasn't meant to raise him. And I am meant to raise children with my husband, our children. And I pray that one day I will get to raise children with him, because he will make the best father. If we have a girl he will be so tightly wrapped around her finger it isn't funny, same goes for any boys we have.

Bored

I joined a site, the one that is affiliated with the facebook page, I'm thinking maybe it will be nicer than the facebook page, since not just anyone can join. At least, that's my hope. And they screen the profiles before accepting them. I'm sure anyone can join, but I think they'd be a little more guarded. 

People on the facebook page are just so set to believe that all adoptions happen the way theirs did, as a forced placement. And even I'm not dumb enough to believe that. They call "us" young and dumb and naïve, but they're the naïve ones, they're the ones who can't see past their situation, and know that not all adoptions are the same, every one of them is different. It is so hard to watch as people stereo type us. 

Stereo types are everywhere though, and will continue to be, no matter how much awareness is brought to it. And the sad part is, some of the stereo types of adoption are true for some people, and it's those few who give all birth moms a bad name. People think that all birth moms are drug addicted sex crazed teenagers, when that is not the case for every birth mom. People think that all birth moms don't really care about the child, and only about themselves, when in most of the cases I know about it, it is quite the opposite. 

I was not on drugs, and I wasn't a teenager, sure I had issues that led to my getting pregnant, along with some poor decisions, but that doesn't make me fit the "mold" of all birth moms. I never really thought about what the outcome would mean for me when deciding to place my son with his adoptive family. It wasn't until right before he was born that I realized what exactly it meant. And truth be told, right after the adoption took place I was in a bad place, and couldn't see straight, and was just dead set on being a miserable person, and I did become the selfish person that most people think of when they think birth mom. But once I got help, and people showed me how to act, I decided that I needed to better myself, for my son. I didn't want to have those negative stereo types define me as a birth mom. And I knew that when my son looked back on who I was after he was born, I didn't want to let him down. I still have a long ways to go, and some days are worse than others. But for me, I want my son to know that we both are far better off in the situation we were in, and that I am doing so much better now. 

Circumstances leading up to the adoption were just not pretty, and I just don't think I'd be out of those circumstances had I decided to parent. Sure I don't know those things for certain, but I do believe that because of my decision to give my son a better life, I was given the chance to have a better life as well. And I truly believe that I would not be married and in Hawaii today if I had chosen to parent. Not to say that my husband would not have wanted to be with me, because I think and believe he would, but I honestly don't think I would have met him. I have a second chance at life, and I'm going to make the best of it. And instead of letting the stereo types of adoption define me, I'm going to break the pattern and become something better.

Aggravated

I joined a new fan page on Facebook today, because I wanted to spread some support, but I'm just too angry to do so right now. (And I will not be linking to that page)

Adoption is a complex thing. No question about it, and it's true that some children are taken away from their mothers. But that is not to say that all adoptions go that route. I did not have my child taken from me, I decided that adoption was the best option for him and myself. And calling myself a birth mom is a compliment, not something I take lightly either. But it is what I chose to call myself. You can chose to call me what you want, as long as it isn't hurtful and said to my face, I'm okay with it. Heck, call me a nasty name to my face, that's fine, I'm secure enough in my decision to know that what you say isn't true. And I refuse to believe that using the term "birth mom" or "biological mom" implies that we will one day not be family. My son is my flesh and blood and that will never change, you can't change someone's DNA, and you can't change the fact that I carried and nurtured and delivered a healthy and beautiful baby boy, thus making him my biological/birth son.

The times are a lot different now, and most adoptions are not forced placements. Sure some of those exist, and people have their children taken away from them every single day. But just because you are one of the ones whose children was taken away doesn't make it okay for you to degrade those of us who decided to give their children what we could not. My heart goes out to those who have lost their children and those who did not have a choice, really, it does. I can not imagine the heartache you are going through, but please, don't take your bitterness out on others who choice to be called something other than what you think is necessary.

There are some terms that I wouldn't want to be called, and some I would never call another birth mom, but like I said, call me what you want, it doesn't change the fact that I am a

BIRTH MOM! 

Oops

The last post was suppose to be a break up, which my friend, Holly, did last week or something. Not an apology and thank you, but it just went that direction, nothing wrong with that, but I just figured I'd do my break up now...

I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant...I never really agreed with what MTV was doing, I don't think there is anything glamorous about teen pregnancy and unwed pregnancy. But it happens, and I think it is something that should be brought up. I don't like how they continued to have Gary and Amber fighting in front of Leah, and I don't like that they didn't step in and stop it, or use their resources to get them help, because honestly, if someone is going to use physical violence on someone they claim to love, then they need help, something is wrong. I don't like how Gary would let his friend talk him into being rude to Amber when he was trying to do something nice for her. But I watched anyways...it was a guilty pleasure, not something I'm proud of, not something I'd go back and redo...

I couldn't believe Farrah's mom would hit her, and then have knives in her hand when the cops showed up and not think that was wrong. And I don't see how she didn't know how the death of the father of Sophia didn't effect Farrah...I don't care if they were broken up at the time, someone your daughter loved, and made a child with just died, don't you think it might effect her a little, couldn't you be a bit more sympathetic? I think there is hope for their relationship though, now that they are going to therapy, and I think it is great that the therapist stood up for Farrah and was like, dude shut your mouth and listen to your daughter, and stop trying to make it okay, when clearly it's not right now...

And I just don't even want to get into the Maci thing, she makes people from Chattanooga look bad. Especially with that horrible tan job...no, seriously though, it's just horrible...

But the MAIN reason I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant is because of the adoption storyline they've taken. Catelynn and Tyler are great people, and I think what they did was awesome, I mean, obviously, I chose what they did for my son, but it is just so hard for me to see/hear of people who have open relationships with their children that they placed for adoption. And I don't know if I will be able to handle it on the Finale, and so I'm going to fast forward, I've decided to watch it, since I've watched the whole season anyways, but I'll fast forward through the reunion part...then there is another girl, who was suppose to be on last season's 16 & Pregnant, but I've seen her for the new season, and she blogged about her experience with adoption and her decisions, and when she would get people who were trying to give her support she would bad mouth them or get smart with them, but there were people who were just rude to her. But the ones who were nice and trying to help her didn't deserve that, and I don't think it was fair to the adoptive parents or her daughter to flip flop back and forth with yes I'm going to adopt and no I'm not, I mean, she went so far as to give the child to them, and take her back not once, not twice, but I think three times. And that to me is just hurtful. It's one thing to not know what you want to do, and to realize that you've made a mistake, but a child is not a toy or a dog, and you can't just give it back every time things get hard. I'm half curious how they spin it, or show it, and I'm half curious to see what she ended up doing, because I stopped following her blog after the 2nd time of taking her and giving her back. I just couldn't stomach it any more, and I couldn't stomach the rude comments she was getting, and the rude stuff she was saying back to people.

If there is one thing I've learned, in adoption, and in life in general, it's that you honestly can't say what you would or wouldn't do until you've been put in the situation, and what works for me, might not work for you.

The 31 Days thing is on hold...*this is long and not nice*

For about a day, maybe...because I'm pissed...and here is why....

Because of my stupidity, I let my license expire, I admit, I knew full and well that my birthday was coming up and that my license was going to expire on said day, and that we would not be in town, so I thought about going and taking care of it. However, time got away from me. I have no idea how, but next thing I knew it was time to go to Maui, and no time to renew, so I have an expired license. And in the state of Hawaii if you have an out of state expired license you must take and pass the written exam and get a permit and then take the driving test to get a license. Well, there is really only 1 way to get a permit, you go to the office and stand in line, they open at 7:45am, and if you get there early enough you don't have to wait too long. And if you also get there early enough, if you pass the permit test, you can then get BACK in line and wait to see if you can even get a spot for the day to take the driving test....so....here is how today went....

6am - woke up, preheated the oven to make muffins for my wonderful friend who was going to take me and stay with me
6:15am - had muffins in the oven and was fixing my hair and dressing
7:15am - we were in line waiting for the doors to open...
7:45am - doors open, lines starts moving...
8:15ish am - I get to go in and try to get my permit, but they tell me that I have to get back in line to get my license, even though my license has only been expired for 1 month, when most places have a "grace period" (for lack of a better term) and I go off on them, walk out with out taking it
8:25am - I apologize to the them and pay for the permit test, take it and while I do that, my wonderful friend waits in line FOR me so I don't have to go to the end of the line....
9:00am - by the time all that is done it's already 9am, and we wait in line 30 min before it starts to move, and then finally it starts moving...
10:15am - got an appointment for 2pm....
between 10:30am and 1:30pm we hang out
1:30pm - get back to the DMV to wait to be called...
2pm - called to take the test....
2:20pm - crazy lady tells me I scored 40 points on a test I need 15 points on....apparently in the state of Hawaii you pull out into the intersection to make a left turn on green (when no arrow) and try to get yourself hit...I'm sorry, but I was scared to DEATH that I was going to kill the woman, so why the HELL would I pull out into an intersection in a bad part of town....WTF is wrong with these people.....I admit, some of the mistakes I made I know I made, like forgetting to look over my shoulder, yea, I knew I messed up, after I did it, I was like, SHIT (in my head), but come on...the roads are so bad there, and things aren't marked well, so how the hell am I to see the damn bike lane if it isn't clearly marked? And the STOP line in the parking lot at the DMV is so worn down I wouldn't have stopped if she hadn't of told me it was a stop line...and apparently, if the NOSE of your bumper is ON the stop line, you've CROSSED it, I wasn't aware that was a CRIME...my tires were behind it, the crazy lady LEANED out my window to look...this is one reason I do not like Hawaii, they hate white people....my friend brought up a good point, that her husband pointed out, because they don't like military, but he said that if it weren't for the military then there would be no island, so they should be thanking us! And I'd have to agree....so take that you stupid Hawaiians...
2:25pm - on the phone cussing at the husband, because really, what else are they good for ;) (totally kidding)
2:30pm - a guy who gives the test comes up to my car and asks if I've taken the test, I say yes, I failed, he then asks me what I'm doing (I have my phone to my ear that he can see) and I tell him I'm on the phone because it's ILLEGAL to talk on the phone in HAWAII WHILE YOU DRIVE, what the hell do you think I'm doing, I mean really.....
2:40pm - I call my husband back because NOW my phone won't charge, it started that last night, and I didn't think much of it, but when I plugged it into the car charger it didn't want to charge, unless the charger is in the hole JUST right....since when did my phone turn into a female?!?!

But on the bright side of all this, I have a permit for Hawaii, and all I have to do next time is go stand in line at 7am and HOPE I'm one of the first to get a driving test, and NOT be with the same lady and I'll pass, oh and I'll be sure to STOP in the middle of an intersection when  making a right turn, I mean, why not put the life of the person who can say whether I pass or fail in danger?!?!

Busy Bee Me

Man, since we got back from Maui I have been so busy. Seriously, I feel like I've not stopped...and I'm sure it will just keep going.

As ya'll know, I sprained my ankle in Maui, and so I had to go to the Quick Care to get it looked at, which they wanted to send me to an ortho, and so I had to go there, then I had to go to the dentist, and then go back to have a cavaity filled, and I had to have a phone session with my therapist since I can't drive, and I had group therapy the week before last, and an FRG meeting, and tomorrow another doctor's appt., and some where I have to go get my license, which might be a 2 trip thing if I can't get the driving test the same day I take the written test, which is just CRAP to me since I have a license, it's just expired, but whatever, I'll pass both...

So, I'm thinking about changing therapist, well, she's really my psych, but whatever...she's dropped the ball a few times, and I just think it's best to go elsewhere. I hate to change, especially since I've been with her since Jan/Feb...but like I said, she's dropped the ball...I'm going to tell her tomorrow if/when she calls for our phone session. Last week she forgot to call for our phone session, so I called the office, and she called back, at that point in time, I was willing to give her another chance, but she forgot to put in a medication for me, and she said she would...this is not the first time she has messed up a medication or prescription...I should have told her to put it in when she changed the dosage before we left for Maui, but I thought I'd have enough to get me through Maui and my next appt, and when I didn't, I told her, and she said she would, and since I can't drive, due to the whole no license thing, I asked a friend to take me by the pharmacy, only to be told that it wasn't in...and they could not get a hold of anyone at the office. Another thing that I want to achieve in changing is the whole group therapy aspect of my therapy plan. The week before last a member of the group got upset and threw a chair into a stack of other chairs, nobody was hurt, but I honestly did not feel safe at the time it happened, nor did I want to go back. (this is all I can say about it, since it did happen in a group therapy setting, and privacy and all that jazz) So that is really the main reason I called my psych last week, was to talk about what happened, and to set up an appt, since she had not called me to set one up...and we talked about it and she said she'd talk to the group leader, and would let me know. She talked to him, and he told her he was working on it, and she asked him to call me. He called me Monday to tell me he had a plan to insure our safety, but when I asked what he was planning to do he would not tell me, nor would he tell me if this person would be there, so I told him that if that person was there, then I would leave, but that I would try it. Well, I ended up not going because I just didn't feel like, and the hubby didn't get home in time, and we had a FRG meeting that night anyways. I haven't heard from anyone about group, and I'm thinking I'm going to go next week, but we'll see. I talked to a friend about it, and they suggested doing 5 minutes at a time, and if the person got angry to leave, so I think that is a logical way to deal with it, and might help with the anxiety of going. But to be honest, I just wasn't that impressed with the leaders attitude about it, nor did I like that he didn't explain what he was going to do to insure our safety, which next to trust is very important...don't you think?

My ankle is doing so much better, it still hurts when I move it funny or sit on it...I'm known to sit Indian Style or whatever, so I can't do that with my ankle yet, but it's definietly easier to walk on. The ortho doctor said it would heal on it's own, but that if I wanted to go to physical therapy I certainly could, and he even put in a consult, but since I can't drive yet, I've put it off, I can't ask the hubby to take me, and I'm not going to ask a friend to drive to the hospital for that, it's just too far....so if I can get in to get my license soon I'm going to call and make an appt, I have a couple more weeks, the consult will be null 30 days after it's put in the computer.

I can't really think of whatelse I was going to bring up, but I'm sure I'll think of something later, I've got my 5 Question Friday all ready to go once Mama M. puts up the linky post tomorrow, I feel so outta the loop with 5QF since I haven't done it in weeks...oh well....

Mother's Day Thoughts

Last Mother's Day was pretty good, except for the fact that my adoptive family didn't send me a card or anything for Mother's Day. (Which I wasn't expecting, just thought it might be nice, you know) My family and friends made it quite enjoyable though, so that was good. I think people didn't know how to act, so I'll let ya know, just simply tell me Happy Mother's Day, and leave it at that. The thought counts, those 3 words, with maybe I love you, or something like that will do wonders! Again, another post for another time, ha!


Turns out AM's mother was getting sicker, and it turns out they were going through their own things. I was just too upset to see it, until now. I didn't even send AM a Mother's Day card.

Well, this year, since AM's mother passed last year(and as soon as I found out about it I sent a card expressing my sympathy and love), I thought it might be nice to send her a quick note, just saying Happy Mother's Day, thinking about you often, hope all is well, look forward to hearing from you and getting my update. Nothing too overbearing or rude, I wasn't trying to step on toes, or make them uncomfortable. I am getting anxious about my next update, I should get it in a couple months, and I am almost positive they will send it, but I just wanted to send a note, you know. It was so short, it said Hi, hope all is well, thank you, love you, give my love to the boys, and happy mother's day, looking forward to my next update. I think I might have put a sentence about doing well in Hawaii and enjoying married life. I'd hope they don't take it the wrong way, or think it's too intrusive. I really don't want to ruin my chances of getting that next update. I wasn't even implying I wanted it right now, just that I was looking forward to it, and enjoy them, ha...so we'll see, I am not expecting a card or anything in return, just thought it would be nice for me, as part of my healing. (which is another post on its own, ha)

I just figured since I'm in a better place, I would start sending a card for Mother's Day, and I will more than likely send a Father's Day card. I really wish I had done it last year because the AD will have gone above and beyond in almost 2 years what the Biofather couldn't have even managed in our son's life time, let alone a few short years. The AD is just an amazing guy, loves God, his wife and his boys, in that order (which is how it should be, btw). I don't know what his plans are now, but when we were talking about adoption he was wanting to become a Chaplin in one of the Armed Forces (I can't remember) and he wanted to get a degree from Seminary, and they both wanted to have the AM be able to stay home with the boys. Which is great! Anyways, this is about Mother's Day, not Father's Day, ha! But I think I did a pretty good job picking a family for my son. Sometimes I think that maybe my son wasn't ever meant to be mine, but the adoptive family's son. Like God used me as a surrogate. But I know that he is my son, he's my flesh and blood, I just think God gave him to me, so I could give him to the adoptive family. It helps me to move forward, and helps me to realize I did what was best.

It's late here now, and I'm going to go to bed, LT has been asleep for a few hours now, he has to get up at 3am, so he went to bed early. Thanks for letting me vent, ha!

"How to" part 3

Ok, this is the last post of the "How to" series - I did have someone ask to do a What TO say, so I'm going to work on that one. I think it will be much harder to come up with things because it really depends on a lot of things. But I will do my best to get that out there! And be looking for a FUN post later today, I figured ya'll would want something FUN after all this serious stuff!! =P

11. I was also told I would be able to move on with my life, and do things I might not have been able to do if I had kept him. That is very true; however, most people don’t think about that when they decide to place their child for adoption. I can tell you that my first thought was my son, I never thought about what it would be like for me after the adoption. I was an afterthought, and it never occurred to me what I’d be able to do once the adoption was settled. And I always say that if I hadn’t had gone through this then I wouldn’t be where I am today. But I never imagined how my life would be after I gave my son a better life. And it wasn’t an easy road for me. And I will continue to suffer from time to time. This leads into #12…


12. Nobody can prepare you for what it will be like after you sign those papers that say that child is no longer yours. And telling someone that it’s for the best and that you will be happy is kind of like #10, you have no idea what the future holds for birth parents. The road isn’t paved with smooth concrete; it’s paved with sharp rocks and curves. Please, don’t say it’s for the best. I know you think you are helping, but really, you’re not telling the birth parent anything they don’t already know. I wish someone had told me how bad it was going to hurt, leaving the hospital and going home empty handed. And some days I just don’t want the reminder that I left my heart with someone else. Because the truth is, I think about it every day. I have a HUGE hole in my heart, and no amount of words, love, talking, more children, NOTHING can fill that hole.

13. A lot of people like to think of us as selfless and wonderful, strong and brave, and tell us that we should feel good about our decision because we just made a family very happy. All of that is TRUE, but what about ME and MY FAMILY?! We suffered a loss, and all you can think of is the other family, and how HAPPY they are?! At the expense of mine. I get that you’re trying to make me feel better, but by saying that you are actually making me feel like chopped liver. Seriously, adoption was the hardest decision I have had to make, and it didn’t just affect me, it affected my family, and when you bring up the happiness the adoptive family is feeling it just stabs at that wound and makes it BLEED.

14. Some people like to think that since I’m in a semi-open adoption that I have a lot of contact with them. And I know people mean well when they ask me, but asking me if I’ve heard from them just reminds me that I can’t just pick up the phone and talk to him. If I hear from them, I will tell you. I will shout from the roof tops, and CHEER. Because I will know that he is actually doing really well, and is actually thriving in the new environment. But reminding me that I don’t have constant contact is just cruel. Even if you mean well. I will answer, and I usually don’t get mad when it is family or close friends who ask me. But if I don’t know you well enough, please don’t ask. It just takes me to a dark place.

15. This goes along with #11, with the whole, moving on thing. And I even had the adoptive family say it to me, but that they needed to not have as much contact so they could move on and that too much contact is “unhealthy.” Those words cut me SO deep. It was fairly early on after his birth, and since we had been friends before, and had become very close during my pregnancy, I thought it would continue. So people have told me that having contact isn’t healthy. But I beg to differ. I think it helps me; it makes me realize that I did make the right choice, and that he is better off. That isn’t to say that he would be miserable with me, because I’m sure we would have been just fine. But I LOVE hearing from them and I LOVE getting pictures of him, and seeing how happy and healthy he is. So my having some contact is not UNHEALTHY, but helps me move forward with my life, and helps me to heal. I also don’t think it is right to tell someone what is or is not healthy for them if you are not a doctor. And all my doctors have said limited contact is fine. So until you get a doctorate please keep those comments to yourself.

Ok, I think this is long enough(6 pages and 3,767 words), and some of them may seem like I’m repeating myself, and I think I might have in some cases, but it’s not being edited, and I’m going to leave it alone. I said I wasn’t going to edit it, and I have only a little, I’ve more added than changed things. But like I said in the first post, this is about what I have to say and not about how I said, remember? So, if there are mistakes, misspellings (which shouldn’t be since I wrote this in Word, even though I just noticed the new blogger posting page has a spell check…), coma splices or other grammatical errors, please look over them! I hope this helped ya’ll to understand some of what a birth parent goes through, and helps you to remember to think before you speak! Again, thanks for taking the time for reading this and I just want to thank Anna at Adoptive Momma of Two for linking to these posts, and allowing me the chance to educate. I’m thinking about doing other posts like this in the future, if you like stuff like this, or have questions, or things you’d like to see on my blog, please comment or email me, just put in the subject line my blog name and that way I won’t automatically send it to spam!!

"How to" part 2

There are about 15 that I've come up with, so I'm doing them 5 at a time, so there is one more post after this, I appreciate all the comments and I am glad that I have helped some realize the errors of their ways! I honestly thought I was going to stop at 12 or 13, but I was able to think of a few more. So thanks for taking the time to read and comment!!!

6. Some people told me that I was a bad mother for even thinking about adoption. I’m here to tell you, that I am a great mother, who put her child’s needs before her own. I’m a great mother because I realized that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own, and that I couldn’t give him what he needed more than anything, a stable environment with a mother and a father. No matter how much I wanted to keep him, no matter how hard I tried, I could not give him what he so desperately deserves, a father.


7. Some people told me that legally the father has to pay, and that legally the father has to do this and that. YES, a father SHOULD pay and be a part of a child’s life. But I didn’t feel like battling a man who refused to believe this child was his, who refused to take the consequences of his actions. I’ve seen way too many people suffering and trying to get their dead beat baby daddy’s to pay child support, or spend time with their children. And I didn’t feel that was fair to put my son in that situation. I grew up in a broken home. I know the toll it had on me, and I could not imagine putting a child through that. The birth father stopped talking to me after I told him I was pregnant, and I only held onto his phone number so I would be able to get a hold of him if I needed him to sign papers. (And before someone jumps on me about that statement, I told him what I was planning on doing, and gave him PLENTY of chances to talk to me about this, so it’s not like I didn’t give him a choice, because I did….) And I did need him to sign the papers, and even when he met the lawyer to sign the papers giving up his rights (but didn’t say whether he was the father or not) he told him that it wasn’t his kid. And the lawyer said “probably not, but I still need your signature.” When the lawyer told me that, I laughed. Of course he wasn’t the father, because of course, since I slept with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend or my husband that must make me a slut, and that must mean this child could have 15 different fathers. Hello, this isn’t Maury. And I knew who the father was, I may have gotten myself in a bad situation, but I was not sleeping with multiple men. And I don’t need people asking me if I’m sure he’s the father, or he can’t be the father. Because I know who I slept with, and when I slept with them, and when I got pregnant.

8. I have never been asked, but I know some have been asked if they received any payment. I did get asked if they helped with my medical expenses. They did not. I know that in some situations adoptive parents will pay for the medical expenses of the birth mother, my adoptive parents did not. However, it is illegal for adoptive parents to outright give money to the birth parents. They can pay medical expenses, and I encourage you to ask for the help, I however, did not. Since I knew the adoptive parents fairly well, I didn’t feel right asking for them to pay for my medical bills. They did pay for the adoption counselor; however, the lady I decided to go with was NOT helpful. (I can touch on that later) I was brought up to never ask how much something cost, or how much someone gets paid. It is just rude. Just like you wouldn’t ask an adoptive parent how much their adoption cost, you should not ask a birth parent how much they received. Chances are they only received enough for medical expenses, if anything at all. I know some agencies will help birth parents with the medical costs. We went with a private attorney and therefore I was unable to receive any assistance from an agency. Some people when they ask about the medical expenses say things like, well, they should because they would more than likely have those same medical costs if they were pregnant themselves. Which may be true, however, I was very sick and in and out of the hospital, so I racked up quite a bit of medical costs, and all pregnancies are different, so who’s to say they would have had the same expenses as I did. There is no telling.

9. The most annoying one I got was people would thank me for choosing life. That is so annoying. I really have no words to argue that one though. I heard it every time someone heard my story, or heard what I was doing. It’s like, if you knew me AT ALL, then you would know that abortion was NOT an option for me. Even though I got pregnant out of wedlock doesn’t mean I am not a Christian and believe that a child is a child at conception, and that abortion is the killing of babies. Because guess what, I’m a Christian, I just strayed and made a mistake. But my son didn’t have to suffer because of my wrong doings. I am not in any way attacking anyone who has had an abortion at one time or another; I am merely stating what I believe. And why I didn’t go that path.

10. Nobody knows what the future holds, except God, so this next one is just DUMB. “You can always have more children later.” Well, possibly. But like I said, you’re not God. And only God knows the plans He has for me. Thanks for the vote of confidence though, I mean, I guess. That is just, ugh. That’s all I can think when this one comes to mind. Its like, are you trying to make me feel better, because you suck at it. First of all, how do you know that I will want children later, or that I will even be able to get pregnant again? There are several cases where birth mothers find themselves suffering from secondary infertility. So telling someone they will have a baby later could possibly hurt them later on in life, when they in fact cannot have another child. Again, it all boils down to thinking before you speak.

"How to" part 1

So, I haven't added to the list today, but I will tomorrow before I add the rest of the things I want to say. Here are the first 5. Like I said yesterday, these are things that I've dealt with personally, and some I've heard of, and I've used my personal experience to explain how those things might make a birth parent feel.

Ok, on to the list of things NOT to say!


1. I got this A LOT, and I know other’s do too. And I’ll just tell you up front, that if it hadn’t been for people asking me if I had thought about so-and-so to adopt, I might not have picked the family I did. However, just because you know someone who knows someone who wants to adopt doesn’t mean you should tell the birth parent. Just because your best friend’s sister’s husband’s aunt and uncle’s child wants to adopt, doesn’t mean they should tell you about them. Only two people brought up the couple I ended up placing with, and I had already started thinking about them. But I had people tell me there was a lady who I worked with who wanted to adopt, and I was not comfortable placing with someone I would see every day, even though I picked an open adoption. I did not know I would be moving all the way across the country at the time, I did not feel that couple was a good fit. I also had my first OB ask to adopt my child, after he found out it was a boy. He has 4 girls, and I guess his wife had told him that she did not want to try again, so he saw a perfect chance to get his son. I changed doctors shortly after that conversation. I was very scared that he’d drug me and take my son from me, and I just went back to the days when girls were drugged and not able to see their children before signing the papers. And I couldn’t put myself in that situation, especially since the family I asked decided to adopt after all. How horrible would it have been if the doctor had done that? I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. So, if you know someone who wants to adopt, or know someone who knows someone, just keep it to yourself, chances are, if they are going through an agency, their profile will be shown to someone, and chances are they’ll get picked one day.

2. There was a mother at the school I worked at; she was a single mother of 2 children. She tried to talk me out of the adoption every time I saw her. It got exhausting trying to explain myself to her. Her reasoning for keeping him was that there was assistance, and food stamps and state insurance, and she would tell me these things like I didn’t already know there was assistance. I knew there was assistance, I was on WIC and food stamps, and for a while I had state insurance, until they screwed me over, and canceled it. But I didn’t want to rely on the government for the rest of my life. I didn’t want my child to be a “welfare baby,” it’s not that I thought there was anything wrong with that, I just wanted better for my son. Money wasn’t the only reason I wanted to place my son for adoption.

3. People also said things about how they weren’t that strong, or how they could never do something like that. You really can’t say things like that until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes. And what is right for me might not be right for you. But to say that to someone is not making them feel better about their choice, even if you mean it to. As a mother we want what is best for our children, and if you are a mother, than you know that. But if you aren’t a mother than you haven’t experienced that yet. And until you do, I wouldn’t go around saying how you couldn’t do something. Because if it is in the best interest of your child, you’ll do it. Would you really tell someone who had lost a child to death that you would never do that? Because I’m pretty sure nobody wants to know what it feels like to have a child die. And I’m not saying that adoption and death are related, just that saying things like not knowing if you could do something before being in that position is hurtful. And is insensitive.

4. Just because someone found them self unmarried and pregnant does NOT mean they are a bad person. They just found themselves in a bad place, people make mistakes. So please, don’t pass judgment. The only person who can judge another is God, and last time I checked He was still in Heaven. I know, for me, I was in a very dark place, I don’t know what led to that place, and I don’t know why I felt that way. But I made a mistake, I put myself in a situation that I shouldn’t have. And because of that situation, I wound up pregnant. I decided to have unprotected sex with someone who wasn’t my husband, and I think I’ve paid for that 10 fold. I don’t need you, and neither does any other birth mom, need you to tell us what horrible people we are. We already feel bad enough; and you telling us how horrible we are or what a horrible thing we’ve done is just making us feel even more like failures. And not all birth moms are unmarried, some of them are married, and their circumstances are different than the single birth moms, but that doesn’t make them a horrible person either. I don’t think I need to go into the reasons why a person chooses to put their child up for adoption; this isn’t that kind of post!

5. Something that people liked to tell me was that the pain gets better with time. I don’t want to hear that. And that is not always the case. I mean, yes, as time moved on, it got easier to handle. But it still hurts, and I’m still without my son. This is NOT something that we can sweep under the rug and just get over. We carried a child in our womb for 9 long months. Some of us had harder pregnancies than others, and we were invested in this little life, that won’t go away over night. Just like baby weight, you can’t expect to wake up one morning and get skinny, you have to work at it, and it takes time. Some days are better than others; some days are so unbearable you don’t want to get out of bed. Some days you are uber happy. It’s like a case of emotional bi-polar. Honest. One day I am just so happy and content with my decision, and then other days I feel like I made a mistake, or that I’ll never get better. I wouldn’t call it regret, but its close, and I like to play the “what if” game, which only ends up making me feel worse.

A "How to" Introduction, of sorts

So, I think it was last week, Anna, over at Adoptive Momma of Two wrote a guide about things you might want to stop and think about before you say them to someone who is dealing with infertility. So it got me thinking about things that people have said to me, and other birth parents that were just so insensitive and hurt so bad.

I actually have been told MANY things that have made me go “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!” Like these people just didn’t think before they spoke. So I’m going to give you some examples. So you can be more aware when you talk to a birth parent. The reasoning for not saying these things is all from MY personal experience and my personal feelings. But I think it will help ya’ll better understand how to handle a conversation with a birth parent.


I’m not telling you to walk on egg shells around us, but to think before you utter the stupid phrases that cut us so deep, and make us run for cover. You may mean well, but you could more than likely make things worse.

There was something about starting a blog that made me cringe, that is why I didn’t do it sooner. I was afraid of what people would say. I was scared of the backlash I might get, the negative comments I would have get. And I honestly haven’t had ANYONE say something negative to me on my blog, but I have had some negative comments on forums. And for the most part, I just let it slide. But I think it’s time someone wrote a “how to,” if you will, on what you shouldn’t say.

This is VERY personal for me, and I’ve put more of myself into this post than any other post, up to now. Even the ones that I tell you my story, this has opened up wounds I thought I had healed. It has taken me 2 days so far to write. And is more than likely going to be WELL over 2000 words. (I’m writing it in Word, so I have no spelling errors.) I also said I wasn’t going to edit it, but I changed my mind, and have already done so, and will probably read over it and change some things, take something out, but more than likely add something.) I’m going to do this in 3 posts. This will be the introduction of the “series,” for a lack of a better term, and then the next 2 posts will be the actual list of things I’ve compiled.

I am not a writer, and I never got good grades on papers, so please, have mercy on me! This is more about what I have to say, then HOW I write it.

Hypocritical - Are you guilty?

So I'm sitting in the Dave Ramsey class waiting for it to start and my hubs to get here and I figured now is a good time to blog about what's been on my mind since yesterday.

Hypocrites....I think we've all been guilty of it before. Whether you realized it or not. Nobody's perfect, right? I've had my share of hypocritical moments. Hello I had a kid outta wedlock. And I drank before I was 21 yet I expect my sister to wait to drink til she's old enough and to have sex after she's married. But I think there is a difference in telling someone not to do something you yourself have done in the past and what you do now. I think hypocrisy is more along the lines of telling someone not to curse and then going and cursing. Or telling someone not to smoke crack and then going and scoring.

What got me upset is telling people that it's not okay to do something nice for yourself and then go and do exactly that. I was starting to feel very guilty about wanting to do something for myself. I did stop...but mainly because money got tight. But I also started feeling guilty. And now I feel like a putz for ever feeling guilty.

Now I could be totally misunderstanding what they were trying to say. It was said while talking about putting your family first. Making sure the kids and husband are cared for. And putting their needs first. Which I agree with. But I think that every once in a while you need to take a break. Get away from it all. Do something nice for yourself. (I can be very bad with words and how I explain things so please just be patient lol) I think that in order to do your best for your family you have to be your best. And sometimes taking time for you is a way you do that. It won't matter to your husband if you cooked dinner if you are in a bad mood or unhappy. And most of the time he'll probably not even notice the effort you made (because most men aren't observant.) but you could have done a better job on dinner if you took a time out and set aside a time for yourself.

I'm not saying do it every day or weekly. Maybe monthly. Or whenever you start to feel burnt out. And be reasonable with what you decide to do.

I'm also not saying you shouldn't pray, worship, study, read your bible daily. Because you should do that daily. Its something I need to work on. I try so hard to do so daily but I just can't seem to do it. I just thought I'd put that out there so people won't think I'm trying to be a hypocrite. Because I really am not. As a matter of fact I have a few prayer requests I need to lift up that I will do when I'm done here.

So I guess my post took a turn. But I think I may have misunderstood what was said as hypocrisy when it really wasn't. But then again who knows!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Lookout

Be on the lookout for a new blog, I started it on my phone while waiting for the hubs before our Dave Ramsey class, and wasn't able to finish it, so I will do it while I'm in bed, since it takes me forever to fall asleep these days! So keep your eyes out! Ha!

Outrageous protesters

I'm on my phone again and won't be able to link up but something I heard tonight really got my blood boiling. Now I'm not normally a pot stirrer. But this issue hits way to close to home.

So many men and women die in Iraq and Afghanistan and other countries we have military stationed every day. And to hear of a group of people who would protest a funeral of a dead soldier makes me so mad and sick at the same time. My friend Mel said it makes her mad and sad at the same time so she's "smad" ha I love that.

You bet your life I will not sit by quietly if something like this where to happen to me. I think what this father is doing is amazing. And the will power he showed by not killing each and every protester is amazing. And how any court could deny this man some sort of compensation is beyond me. But to make him pay for the court fees for the people who ruined his sons funeral is appalling. And I am so glad someone has stepped up to help this man fight for his son.

I am not saying you shouldn't protest or be outspoken about your beliefs. In fact I think you should. But I think you shouldn't go about it so distastefully. Not only are they spreading evil and nonsense but they are protesting against the very people who fight for their right to be able to protest. And not only that but they are sick and twisted to protest a funeral. And that isn't the first time they've done that. They especially go after gays and military.

I'm not sure the name of the young man who passed who was gay they protested because it was years ago. But they have been known to do stuff like this before.

They need to be stopped. They are also putting children on the picket lines and having them hold signs that read things about how God hates gays and dead soldiers and thanking God for 9-11. Its sick. I know the Bible never says God hates a certain group of people. Yes he tells us marriage is between a man and woman but that doesn't mean he hates gays. He loves us all. No matter what we've done or how far we've strayed.

There is a link to donate to the fund for legal fees. None of the money will go to the lawyers representing him. And if there is money left over it will go to veterans groups for education scholarships. The website is www.Matthewsnyder.org

Sorry about the long rant and I'm usually not this vocal about things. But being an army wife has opened my eyes to a lot of things. And one of them is a great respect for men and women who serve our country.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry