Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Funk times a million

The funk I referred to was the depression. I would snap out of it, if you could snap your finger and be over it, but that doesn't work, believe me, I've tried. [yes i know some of you are picturing me doing it, and yes i did actually try...it was quite hilarious....you shoulda been there, lol]

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Funk

is getting worse.

Friday, March 20, 2009

I miss him

I miss my lil guy. I've never regretted anything in my life. Until now. I know deep down I did the right thing, but did I really. I wish I could see the future so I know for sure I did the right thing. He's too little to understand now and he's too little now to know any different, so I'm sure he's happy, but he'd be happy with me too. And what if he years down the road he hates me for what I did or didn't do. I couldn't live with myself he hates me. And what if his parents don't tell him that I did it because I loved him, what if they just let him hate me and don't tell him why I did what I did. I know the what if's are no where to be, but I am here and I don't know how to get outta them. I can't stop thinking about them.

I wish I didn't have to work today, I want to just lay in bed all day. I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. I've even been taking my night time meds like I'm suppose to, plus some. Nothing seems to work. I don't get it. I NEED SLEEP or I'm going to die. And I'm not not sleeping because I'm napping, because I'm not. I go to bed at like 9 or 10 and toss and turn and have the worst dreams ever. They are freaking crazy, I have no clue what the heck they mean and I just can't get over it. I know that if I were sleeping I probably wouldn't be second guessing myself and regretting this, but I'm not sleeping. And the only thing I can think to do is take 3 sleeping pills instead of 1 because 1 doesn't do shit and 2 barely does anything. But if I take 3 I'll run out faster...I talked to my therapist about it, but she told me to give it a week, wtf...my other doctor would have been like, ok lets change your meds...not give it a week....sleep is the most important thing when you are depressed.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


This is for my Mel! I thought she'd appreciate my buys at Old Navy :)

2 of the 3 shirts I got

The other shirt I bought
A Cute Jacket, I really needed it....
Shoes I might take back, not sure what I'll wear them with, hahaha....
A bag!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Let me just say...

that I am happy for the people who are pregnant. Do not take what I wrote the other day as me not being happy. It's just really hard on me right now.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

baby fever

Everywhere I turn there are people who are pregnant, who have just had kids, and kids. I can't handle it any more. I'm in tears because I want to be one of the ones with a kid. I could just kick myself for giving mine up. What was I thinking. I know what I was thinking but I'm just in a real depressed mood right now. And it seems like every time I turn around someone else I know is engaged. I'm so sick of being single. I wanna settle down. Why haven't I found him yet?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I don't deal well with people lying to me. And I'm not the kind of person who will call you out because I don't like confrontation. But don't insult my intelligence, I wasn't born yesterday, I'm not dumb, and chances are I'm going to find out. Just like I found out about someone lying to me for who knows how long, for who knows what about, and for who knows why. I'm a pretty understanding person, and forgiving. But lying is unforgivable in my book. How am I going to be able to trust someone again if they lie to me, and not just once, but numerous times. I honestly don't know what is up with this person now. I can't believe this person had me fooled. Maybe I am dumb and born yesterday, but I'd like to think I wasn't and I'm not dumb. I can't believe this shit. And for someone who knows that I have trust issues to lie to me just makes things ten million times worse. I am dumbfounded and appalled at this blatant disrespect and I can't even come up with things to call it, but it is disrespectful. Here I was thinking this person was some decent person, and it turns out they weren't. They were just like every other person who has lied and hurt me. THANKS......

best laid plans

Why is it that the best laid plans always crumble?
Why is it when everything is going well things fall apart?
Why can people not see what is right in front of them?

I just don't understand. And I want to. I could scream right now. And not just for the sake of screaming, but scream at somebody. I've gotten things back on track with my life, I'm slowly moving forward. And then something wonderful comes into my life and then the next minute that wonderful is gone. And not just gone, but changed, like a totally different thing. Not what I thought it was. I sure got a couple answers yesterday I had been searching for. And they shocked the hell out of me. I never expected this to happen, and I didn't expect it to turn out this way either. I thought for sure it would have a happy ending, granted it still could, but I'm definitely not waiting around.

I started a new job. I love it. I love that it has nothing to do with kids. How horrible. I just can't be around them as much right now. Even though I was working with older kids they still some how reminded me of my son. I think it was the fact that I won't get to see my son grow up to be that age, and that I'll only get pictures and letters to show me how he's growing up. I don't second guess myself, I know I did the right thing. But I sure do kick myself for getting in this situation and I could castrate the man who put me here. I try not to hate him, and I don't think I hate him, but I have never in my life felt so much dislike towards another human being. Yes I know that I was to blame for the situation, yes I take responsibility for my actions, but it does take two to tango and well, I was not alone in my actions and I got the shit end of the stick, and here he is still with his girlfriend and not having to deal with the ramifications of OUR actions. People keep telling me he'll get his, but when. I think he should have to deal with it NOW like I'm having to deal with it, and like I'm going to have to deal with it the rest of my life. It's not fair. And I'm sure you're thinking, life isn't fair, and I know this. But this really isn't fair.