I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Friday, November 4, 2011
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Today
*Disclaimer: This is MY blog, and these are MY thoughts, I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel bad or in no way want things to get back to the adoptive family. MY thoughts don't mean I'm not happy with them or that I hate them or don't love them, they are just MY feelings. And I think that I'm entitled to my feelings and should be able to write about them whenever and however I want to, and shouldn't have to feel as if I need to edit myself, so be warned, lol*You know, yesterday was a pretty good day, seeing as it was my son's 2nd birthday, but today, well, that's a different story because today marks 2 years since I last held him and saw him in person, and well, I miss him. I didn't think I would be so shut out of his life, I never thought I'd be the birthmom who only gets letters and pictures every so often. See, I knew the family before I got pregnant, and I didn't think it was necessary to make a iron clad openness agreement. There was talk about a calendar of his milestones that she'd send me, and an official letter and pictures once a year, but I never thought they'd shut me out as much as they ended up doing in the end. I wish I had the knowledge then to make these things, and I hate that it is too late. I did email the attorney about a month after the birth to plea for more updates, and I asked for every 6 months, and they came up with every 3 months until he's 1 and then every 6 months til he's 4, and then yearly.
I know I'm lucky to even get updates, but it just stinks when you were thinking you'd have more than that. And it stinks when you feel as if you were just an incubator for this family, and they were saying things and doing things just so you'd give them your child. And since I'm being real here, that is how I felt a few months after the birth and adoption. I felt betrayed, I felt let down, I felt as if they used me. And that is a horrible feeling to feel when you're speaking of friends, and my son's parents. But it was how I felt at the time, and how I sometimes feel from time to time. Please don't tell me it's the Devil, because I think my thoughts are completely justified, and that would just piss me off. Please don't try to make me feel better, I'm not looking for that, nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just simply putting it out there.
Everyone asks if I could go back what would I do differently, and well, I don't think that answering that question would necessarily mean I regret anything, but just that if I had known what I know now then there would be some things I'd do differently. For instance, I would have asked for time alone with my son. And that I'd be able to spend more time with him. I got to see him twice after he was born, and hold him twice, but if I could have held him longer, or spent more time with him, I think it would have been just that much more of a memory. But instead, there were 4 people visiting me, the adoptive mom and a nurse, and the nurse was very pushy about how he needed to go get tests, that could have waited a few more minutes. I did get to see him again that day, but it was as they were leaving the hospital, so it was rushed as well. Another thing I'd do differently is the openness agreement, I would have made sure I knew exactly what to expect from them after the birth, and in regards to our friendship on facebook and what not. Instead I just assumed things, and that ended up hurting me in the end. I kind of understand what they meant, but it was as if they weren't thinking about my feelings, but only theirs, and that sucked. They were so interested in how things were going before he was born, and how I was doing before he was born, it was almost as if they just didn't really care any more.
I'm quite lucky, I know. And I cherish the updates I get, and look forward to them. I love the adoptive family so much, and I'm so grateful to them for giving my son a life I just was not able to at the time, and they will always have a special place in my heart, as they tell me I will in theirs. It just is really hard sometimes. And I think that I just needed to write these feelings down and get them out there, so they're no longer lingering inside me. And it does feel a little better. It just will always hurt, and the day it stops hurting is the day I will want to curl up in a ball and die. I know that will never happen, and no matter what happens in my life I will always love my son, even when my husband and I start having our own children. And I know that even when I don't think about him, I still love him and won't ever forget him. But right now, he's almost always on the forefront of my mind, and the hole in my heart that longs for him is quite large, and nothing seems to cure that. I know time will, and time has helped, just not as much as I'd hope it would have.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Guilt
I talked with my therapist today about Guilt, well, she brought it up, but it makes sense.
It's not a secret how I got pregnant, and I still struggle with the fact that I put myself in that situation, and allowed myself to be so dumb. And I feel guilty. It'll be 2 years in December, and some days the guilt feels as strong as it did back then. There will be a few days where I won't feel guilty, but once I start thinking about it and dwelling on it, then it's just all downhill from there.
It's also not a secret that I never once said the reason for placing him for adoption was for myself, it was always what was best for him, but really, it was what was best for me too. And I feel guilty for thinking that, and I feel like I shouldn't move on and move forward, because somehow it means I'm forgetting. Even though I know that letting go of the guilt does not mean forgetting, and that forgiving myself for the situation is not forgetting. It's weird to describe and kind of makes me look stupid, but it's a fight between my logical brain and my illogical brain. I'm a smart person, or so I'm told, no that was a joke...I'm a smart person because I know that if I move forward with my life, and if I forgive myself and let go of the guilt then I won't forget my son, but I think when you're hurting you can't see it. But then again, I still knew that it wasn't true...
Anyways, I wrote a question over at my community on BlogFrog, I'm going to try and be more active on it, but we'll see, ha!
It's not a secret how I got pregnant, and I still struggle with the fact that I put myself in that situation, and allowed myself to be so dumb. And I feel guilty. It'll be 2 years in December, and some days the guilt feels as strong as it did back then. There will be a few days where I won't feel guilty, but once I start thinking about it and dwelling on it, then it's just all downhill from there.
It's also not a secret that I never once said the reason for placing him for adoption was for myself, it was always what was best for him, but really, it was what was best for me too. And I feel guilty for thinking that, and I feel like I shouldn't move on and move forward, because somehow it means I'm forgetting. Even though I know that letting go of the guilt does not mean forgetting, and that forgiving myself for the situation is not forgetting. It's weird to describe and kind of makes me look stupid, but it's a fight between my logical brain and my illogical brain. I'm a smart person, or so I'm told, no that was a joke...I'm a smart person because I know that if I move forward with my life, and if I forgive myself and let go of the guilt then I won't forget my son, but I think when you're hurting you can't see it. But then again, I still knew that it wasn't true...
Anyways, I wrote a question over at my community on BlogFrog, I'm going to try and be more active on it, but we'll see, ha!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Busy Bee Me
Man, since we got back from Maui I have been so busy. Seriously, I feel like I've not stopped...and I'm sure it will just keep going.
As ya'll know, I sprained my ankle in Maui, and so I had to go to the Quick Care to get it looked at, which they wanted to send me to an ortho, and so I had to go there, then I had to go to the dentist, and then go back to have a cavaity filled, and I had to have a phone session with my therapist since I can't drive, and I had group therapy the week before last, and an FRG meeting, and tomorrow another doctor's appt., and some where I have to go get my license, which might be a 2 trip thing if I can't get the driving test the same day I take the written test, which is just CRAP to me since I have a license, it's just expired, but whatever, I'll pass both...
So, I'm thinking about changing therapist, well, she's really my psych, but whatever...she's dropped the ball a few times, and I just think it's best to go elsewhere. I hate to change, especially since I've been with her since Jan/Feb...but like I said, she's dropped the ball...I'm going to tell her tomorrow if/when she calls for our phone session. Last week she forgot to call for our phone session, so I called the office, and she called back, at that point in time, I was willing to give her another chance, but she forgot to put in a medication for me, and she said she would...this is not the first time she has messed up a medication or prescription...I should have told her to put it in when she changed the dosage before we left for Maui, but I thought I'd have enough to get me through Maui and my next appt, and when I didn't, I told her, and she said she would, and since I can't drive, due to the whole no license thing, I asked a friend to take me by the pharmacy, only to be told that it wasn't in...and they could not get a hold of anyone at the office. Another thing that I want to achieve in changing is the whole group therapy aspect of my therapy plan. The week before last a member of the group got upset and threw a chair into a stack of other chairs, nobody was hurt, but I honestly did not feel safe at the time it happened, nor did I want to go back. (this is all I can say about it, since it did happen in a group therapy setting, and privacy and all that jazz) So that is really the main reason I called my psych last week, was to talk about what happened, and to set up an appt, since she had not called me to set one up...and we talked about it and she said she'd talk to the group leader, and would let me know. She talked to him, and he told her he was working on it, and she asked him to call me. He called me Monday to tell me he had a plan to insure our safety, but when I asked what he was planning to do he would not tell me, nor would he tell me if this person would be there, so I told him that if that person was there, then I would leave, but that I would try it. Well, I ended up not going because I just didn't feel like, and the hubby didn't get home in time, and we had a FRG meeting that night anyways. I haven't heard from anyone about group, and I'm thinking I'm going to go next week, but we'll see. I talked to a friend about it, and they suggested doing 5 minutes at a time, and if the person got angry to leave, so I think that is a logical way to deal with it, and might help with the anxiety of going. But to be honest, I just wasn't that impressed with the leaders attitude about it, nor did I like that he didn't explain what he was going to do to insure our safety, which next to trust is very important...don't you think?
My ankle is doing so much better, it still hurts when I move it funny or sit on it...I'm known to sit Indian Style or whatever, so I can't do that with my ankle yet, but it's definietly easier to walk on. The ortho doctor said it would heal on it's own, but that if I wanted to go to physical therapy I certainly could, and he even put in a consult, but since I can't drive yet, I've put it off, I can't ask the hubby to take me, and I'm not going to ask a friend to drive to the hospital for that, it's just too far....so if I can get in to get my license soon I'm going to call and make an appt, I have a couple more weeks, the consult will be null 30 days after it's put in the computer.
I can't really think of whatelse I was going to bring up, but I'm sure I'll think of something later, I've got my 5 Question Friday all ready to go once Mama M. puts up the linky post tomorrow, I feel so outta the loop with 5QF since I haven't done it in weeks...oh well....
As ya'll know, I sprained my ankle in Maui, and so I had to go to the Quick Care to get it looked at, which they wanted to send me to an ortho, and so I had to go there, then I had to go to the dentist, and then go back to have a cavaity filled, and I had to have a phone session with my therapist since I can't drive, and I had group therapy the week before last, and an FRG meeting, and tomorrow another doctor's appt., and some where I have to go get my license, which might be a 2 trip thing if I can't get the driving test the same day I take the written test, which is just CRAP to me since I have a license, it's just expired, but whatever, I'll pass both...
So, I'm thinking about changing therapist, well, she's really my psych, but whatever...she's dropped the ball a few times, and I just think it's best to go elsewhere. I hate to change, especially since I've been with her since Jan/Feb...but like I said, she's dropped the ball...I'm going to tell her tomorrow if/when she calls for our phone session. Last week she forgot to call for our phone session, so I called the office, and she called back, at that point in time, I was willing to give her another chance, but she forgot to put in a medication for me, and she said she would...this is not the first time she has messed up a medication or prescription...I should have told her to put it in when she changed the dosage before we left for Maui, but I thought I'd have enough to get me through Maui and my next appt, and when I didn't, I told her, and she said she would, and since I can't drive, due to the whole no license thing, I asked a friend to take me by the pharmacy, only to be told that it wasn't in...and they could not get a hold of anyone at the office. Another thing that I want to achieve in changing is the whole group therapy aspect of my therapy plan. The week before last a member of the group got upset and threw a chair into a stack of other chairs, nobody was hurt, but I honestly did not feel safe at the time it happened, nor did I want to go back. (this is all I can say about it, since it did happen in a group therapy setting, and privacy and all that jazz) So that is really the main reason I called my psych last week, was to talk about what happened, and to set up an appt, since she had not called me to set one up...and we talked about it and she said she'd talk to the group leader, and would let me know. She talked to him, and he told her he was working on it, and she asked him to call me. He called me Monday to tell me he had a plan to insure our safety, but when I asked what he was planning to do he would not tell me, nor would he tell me if this person would be there, so I told him that if that person was there, then I would leave, but that I would try it. Well, I ended up not going because I just didn't feel like, and the hubby didn't get home in time, and we had a FRG meeting that night anyways. I haven't heard from anyone about group, and I'm thinking I'm going to go next week, but we'll see. I talked to a friend about it, and they suggested doing 5 minutes at a time, and if the person got angry to leave, so I think that is a logical way to deal with it, and might help with the anxiety of going. But to be honest, I just wasn't that impressed with the leaders attitude about it, nor did I like that he didn't explain what he was going to do to insure our safety, which next to trust is very important...don't you think?
My ankle is doing so much better, it still hurts when I move it funny or sit on it...I'm known to sit Indian Style or whatever, so I can't do that with my ankle yet, but it's definietly easier to walk on. The ortho doctor said it would heal on it's own, but that if I wanted to go to physical therapy I certainly could, and he even put in a consult, but since I can't drive yet, I've put it off, I can't ask the hubby to take me, and I'm not going to ask a friend to drive to the hospital for that, it's just too far....so if I can get in to get my license soon I'm going to call and make an appt, I have a couple more weeks, the consult will be null 30 days after it's put in the computer.
I can't really think of whatelse I was going to bring up, but I'm sure I'll think of something later, I've got my 5 Question Friday all ready to go once Mama M. puts up the linky post tomorrow, I feel so outta the loop with 5QF since I haven't done it in weeks...oh well....
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
WOW
I merely reposted the Adoption Awareness graphics so that the few new readers who have been touched by adoption could see them and snag them. I never imagined it would generate new readers or commenter's. I am in AWE! As I said on Twitter the other day "Is in awe of all the love I've gotten from reposting the adoption awareness graphics. I didn't expect that. Or do it for the attention. Thnx" I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. Wow, I really needed it. I have been having a very rough few days. And I'll get into them, after I post this picture of how I am thinking about getting my hair cut on Friday, it might be a little longer and definitely won't be blonde, hahaha
Ok, now back to how I've been feeling lately. I think that since it has been 4 months since I got an update that I am just feeling SO upset and unsure about things. I don't have a recent photo of him, I don't even have a picture from his first birthday because they sent my 1 year update before his birthday. I just don't know how I feel about it. I should be getting one in 2 months. Now that he's 1 it'll be every 6 months. And when he turns 4 it'll be yearly. I'm trying not to be picky, or selfish, and I'm so grateful that they do provide updates, but I would love more frequent ones, at least until he's a little older. The first few years they change so much, and he was so behind in things because of his illness. Like when I got my 1 year update, he hadn't started walking yet, and he was just Army crawling. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much, and I know it was my decision to give him a better life, but a part of me just misses him more than anything. I think all these feelings are normal, and I'm sure they are. But they still hurt and stink.
Apparently some people where afraid I would try to get him back once Steven and I married. Well, they're just stupid, that is not even possible. Even if we had all the money in the world, no judge would ever take a child from the home they've known for so long. Unless there was something going on inside that home, that was deemed unfit for a child. But he is in a loving and caring, stable environment. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about what could be if I had met Steven sooner, or that it would be nice to raise my son with him. BUT that is not possible, and it definitely isn't in the best interest of my son. I don't regret my decision, and I don't wish I could change it. And for people to think that and not bring those fears to me is just stupid. And they should just leave well enough alone. I was really pissed off when I heard that. And I have no idea who all said it. But they are in no position to judge or tell me how to live or what to do. I hope they read this and realize how retarded they were for even thinking something like that. I hope they read this and see how much pain that caused me, and realize the stupidity of it. I mean, seriously. Someone I talked to about it, said they probably thought that because I refer to him as "my son" well, I'm here to tell you that no matter what I call him, they would probably still think that. And no matter what I call him it won't change the fact that he is MY SON, I carried him for 9 months, he is HALF me...just because I'm not parenting doesn't mean he is less my son or isn't my son. And just because I refer to him as my son doesn't mean that I'm not moving on or I'm living in the past. I think I've come a long way in the past 16 months.
I don't feel like I should justify things, or explain myself, but I do. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like I owe people an explanation, I don't feel like they deserve one. I don't know them well enough to think I need to explain things to them. I certainly wouldn't expect the same from them, if the roles were reversed. I realize that my situation is kind of scary for some people, and that people walk on egg shells around me, with things they say or do. But I think they should stop. If you feel the need to talk about me behind my back, then you should be able to say it to my face. I've always hated confrontation, but finding things out just hurts all the more, and makes me hate to be in group settings, or have friends, because I'm always worried they're talking about me when I'm not there. And crap like that just feeds on that fear. Makes it more real. I'm flattered that they think about me all the time, but at the same time, it's like, move on with your life. Your life isn't perfect, far from it. So concentrate on yourself, and I'll concentrate on me. KTHNXBYE....
There are so many people around here pregnant, especially in our Battalion, because they just got back from Iraq at the end of last year, so all deployment babies. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset seeing all the pregnant ladies and new borns. I am extremely happy for everyone who is expecting, don't take my being upset as unhappy for them, because I am super happy for them, but I just have baby fever pretty bad. My uterus tugs, and pulls and I just get this urge to have a baby. But we are waiting. I keep telling people, we rushed everything else, this is one thing where we can take our time! I mean, we've only been married 6 months this month, and have known each other 1 year, so we need time. Time to enjoy one another, and find our groove. I'm in no way prepared for a child, and I'm in way ready to get pregnant, but when you are surrounded by several pregnant woman, it's hard not to want to have one! Ha!
Ok, well, this is long enough, let me know what ya'll think about the hair cut, and I'll post pictures when I get it done! Again, I appreciate all the link love ya'll gave me from the repost I did, it meant the world to me!!
Ok, now back to how I've been feeling lately. I think that since it has been 4 months since I got an update that I am just feeling SO upset and unsure about things. I don't have a recent photo of him, I don't even have a picture from his first birthday because they sent my 1 year update before his birthday. I just don't know how I feel about it. I should be getting one in 2 months. Now that he's 1 it'll be every 6 months. And when he turns 4 it'll be yearly. I'm trying not to be picky, or selfish, and I'm so grateful that they do provide updates, but I would love more frequent ones, at least until he's a little older. The first few years they change so much, and he was so behind in things because of his illness. Like when I got my 1 year update, he hadn't started walking yet, and he was just Army crawling. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much, and I know it was my decision to give him a better life, but a part of me just misses him more than anything. I think all these feelings are normal, and I'm sure they are. But they still hurt and stink.
Apparently some people where afraid I would try to get him back once Steven and I married. Well, they're just stupid, that is not even possible. Even if we had all the money in the world, no judge would ever take a child from the home they've known for so long. Unless there was something going on inside that home, that was deemed unfit for a child. But he is in a loving and caring, stable environment. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about what could be if I had met Steven sooner, or that it would be nice to raise my son with him. BUT that is not possible, and it definitely isn't in the best interest of my son. I don't regret my decision, and I don't wish I could change it. And for people to think that and not bring those fears to me is just stupid. And they should just leave well enough alone. I was really pissed off when I heard that. And I have no idea who all said it. But they are in no position to judge or tell me how to live or what to do. I hope they read this and realize how retarded they were for even thinking something like that. I hope they read this and see how much pain that caused me, and realize the stupidity of it. I mean, seriously. Someone I talked to about it, said they probably thought that because I refer to him as "my son" well, I'm here to tell you that no matter what I call him, they would probably still think that. And no matter what I call him it won't change the fact that he is MY SON, I carried him for 9 months, he is HALF me...just because I'm not parenting doesn't mean he is less my son or isn't my son. And just because I refer to him as my son doesn't mean that I'm not moving on or I'm living in the past. I think I've come a long way in the past 16 months.
I don't feel like I should justify things, or explain myself, but I do. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like I owe people an explanation, I don't feel like they deserve one. I don't know them well enough to think I need to explain things to them. I certainly wouldn't expect the same from them, if the roles were reversed. I realize that my situation is kind of scary for some people, and that people walk on egg shells around me, with things they say or do. But I think they should stop. If you feel the need to talk about me behind my back, then you should be able to say it to my face. I've always hated confrontation, but finding things out just hurts all the more, and makes me hate to be in group settings, or have friends, because I'm always worried they're talking about me when I'm not there. And crap like that just feeds on that fear. Makes it more real. I'm flattered that they think about me all the time, but at the same time, it's like, move on with your life. Your life isn't perfect, far from it. So concentrate on yourself, and I'll concentrate on me. KTHNXBYE....
There are so many people around here pregnant, especially in our Battalion, because they just got back from Iraq at the end of last year, so all deployment babies. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset seeing all the pregnant ladies and new borns. I am extremely happy for everyone who is expecting, don't take my being upset as unhappy for them, because I am super happy for them, but I just have baby fever pretty bad. My uterus tugs, and pulls and I just get this urge to have a baby. But we are waiting. I keep telling people, we rushed everything else, this is one thing where we can take our time! I mean, we've only been married 6 months this month, and have known each other 1 year, so we need time. Time to enjoy one another, and find our groove. I'm in no way prepared for a child, and I'm in way ready to get pregnant, but when you are surrounded by several pregnant woman, it's hard not to want to have one! Ha!
Ok, well, this is long enough, let me know what ya'll think about the hair cut, and I'll post pictures when I get it done! Again, I appreciate all the link love ya'll gave me from the repost I did, it meant the world to me!!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Irritable
I have been so stinking irritable for the last couple of days. The hubs asked yesterday if I was about start my period. I just go off at the drop of a hat, and I can't figure out why. I shouldn't start my period for another week. Since I'm on the patch, I can pretty much tell you when I'll start and when I'm not suppose to. Since you change it every Sunday (or whenever you want) and the week you don't wear one you're suppose to be on your period. Well, this is the last patch for the month. I changed it this morning. So I shouldn't start for a week. But I think I might just have PMS really bad for a week before I start. I've always been this way. Irritable around that time. And for the most part I can control it. But lately, I just can't. And every little thing is getting me mad. I hate feeling like this. But I just can't seem to get it under control.
I also have been having a hard time concentrating on things I enjoy. Like the community I joined. I find myself just half interested in it. I might just take a break from it, and come back in a day or two. I think some of it stems from the fact that I just feel so behind when I miss stuff for a day or so. Like yesterday, I didn't get a chance to check it until late yesterday (mostly by the time everyone else was gone) and I just felt overwhelmed with all I missed. I'm working on this and trying to figure it out.
My psych thinks that when I feel overwhelmed it is because I just don't want to do something. And that might be true on some things. But I want to chat on the community, I want to blog, I want to design stuff on Photo shop. But maybe I don't want to clean the house, or pick up trash, but I need to. And I know I should. Some times I do use being overwhelmed as an excuse. But for the most part. I don't know where to start with cleaning, and I don't know how to do it. I've gotten a lot of good advice, and I have been trying to get motivated to try it. I just can't. I don't know why. But I can't. We did get the bathroom cleaned, I just have to do the shower. Which I will later, because I'm about to go to another baby shower.
I haven't been sleeping well either. Last night I think since I had been out in the sun most the day I was just so tired that it didn't take long for my night time meds to work, but I just don't feel refreshed, or renewed now. I feel so tired. And I've felt like that for a few days now. I got super shaky and dizzy the other day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I ate and drank a coke, thinking that might help. And it did for a bit, but then I just felt that way again. And yesterday after we had been at the first baby shower, which was at the beach, it was so pretty. I just was so tired, I didn't want to do anything. We had stuff to do, and the hubs wanted me to drive, but I told him there was no way I could drive, I was just too tired. And he wanted to take forever in the store we went to, and I just wanted to go home.
Anyways, gonna get going, going to a baby shower! It won't be the last, we have so many pregnant ladies in my hubs battalion since they just got back from Iraq! I think there are only a select few of ladies who aren't pregnant within the battalion, and we are one of them, and we are hoping to stay that way for a while. We want to be more financially stable before we go and have a kid. And I want to have a routine down for the house, and keeping it clean, and what not. But we do want children, so bad. There was a 9 month old little girl at the baby shower yesterday, and watching the hubs hold her made me want one so bad, and I was like, are you sure you don't want one now, and he was like, yes...but he just looked SO good holding one. But we will wait. And when we do have kids, it'll be great!
I also have been having a hard time concentrating on things I enjoy. Like the community I joined. I find myself just half interested in it. I might just take a break from it, and come back in a day or two. I think some of it stems from the fact that I just feel so behind when I miss stuff for a day or so. Like yesterday, I didn't get a chance to check it until late yesterday (mostly by the time everyone else was gone) and I just felt overwhelmed with all I missed. I'm working on this and trying to figure it out.
My psych thinks that when I feel overwhelmed it is because I just don't want to do something. And that might be true on some things. But I want to chat on the community, I want to blog, I want to design stuff on Photo shop. But maybe I don't want to clean the house, or pick up trash, but I need to. And I know I should. Some times I do use being overwhelmed as an excuse. But for the most part. I don't know where to start with cleaning, and I don't know how to do it. I've gotten a lot of good advice, and I have been trying to get motivated to try it. I just can't. I don't know why. But I can't. We did get the bathroom cleaned, I just have to do the shower. Which I will later, because I'm about to go to another baby shower.
I haven't been sleeping well either. Last night I think since I had been out in the sun most the day I was just so tired that it didn't take long for my night time meds to work, but I just don't feel refreshed, or renewed now. I feel so tired. And I've felt like that for a few days now. I got super shaky and dizzy the other day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I ate and drank a coke, thinking that might help. And it did for a bit, but then I just felt that way again. And yesterday after we had been at the first baby shower, which was at the beach, it was so pretty. I just was so tired, I didn't want to do anything. We had stuff to do, and the hubs wanted me to drive, but I told him there was no way I could drive, I was just too tired. And he wanted to take forever in the store we went to, and I just wanted to go home.
Anyways, gonna get going, going to a baby shower! It won't be the last, we have so many pregnant ladies in my hubs battalion since they just got back from Iraq! I think there are only a select few of ladies who aren't pregnant within the battalion, and we are one of them, and we are hoping to stay that way for a while. We want to be more financially stable before we go and have a kid. And I want to have a routine down for the house, and keeping it clean, and what not. But we do want children, so bad. There was a 9 month old little girl at the baby shower yesterday, and watching the hubs hold her made me want one so bad, and I was like, are you sure you don't want one now, and he was like, yes...but he just looked SO good holding one. But we will wait. And when we do have kids, it'll be great!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Woot Woot
So all my worrying was for nothing. I got my second update this weekend! He is doing pretty well. They moved, and are going to move again in July or August. They even asked for an update on me! I'll post a few pictures in a bit, I need to take pics of the pictures and upload them to my computer. They also had to spend 5 days in the hospital for acid reflux and weight loss. He apparently had lost too much and their new doctor was worried. All his tests and what not came back great, and he's almost 12 lbs. He's long and skinny with a huge ole head and big ole deep blue eyes!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Betrayed
I feel so utterly betrayed. Like the family I placed with was telling me what I wanted to hear just to get my baby and now that they have him and it's final they don't have to do what they said.
They have recently taken me off their facebook accounts, and as June fastly approaches I'm starting to doubt I'll get my second update.
About a month after the birth they wrote me an email telling me they were cutting out communication.
A little background - they have been friends of mine for 3 years now. We have over 150 friends in common on facebook and got pretty close throughout my pregnancy.
I was up for hours last night worrying about whether I was going to get it and why they have decided to all of a sudden delete me and all sorts of other things.
I was going to leave her a nice email on Mother's Day but said to hell with that when I noticed they had deleted me from facebook. And she didn't even acknowledge me.
They have recently taken me off their facebook accounts, and as June fastly approaches I'm starting to doubt I'll get my second update.
About a month after the birth they wrote me an email telling me they were cutting out communication.
A little background - they have been friends of mine for 3 years now. We have over 150 friends in common on facebook and got pretty close throughout my pregnancy.
I was up for hours last night worrying about whether I was going to get it and why they have decided to all of a sudden delete me and all sorts of other things.
I was going to leave her a nice email on Mother's Day but said to hell with that when I noticed they had deleted me from facebook. And she didn't even acknowledge me.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Funk times a million
The funk I referred to was the depression. I would snap out of it, if you could snap your finger and be over it, but that doesn't work, believe me, I've tried. [yes i know some of you are picturing me doing it, and yes i did actually try...it was quite hilarious....you shoulda been there, lol]
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Liars
I don't deal well with people lying to me. And I'm not the kind of person who will call you out because I don't like confrontation. But don't insult my intelligence, I wasn't born yesterday, I'm not dumb, and chances are I'm going to find out. Just like I found out about someone lying to me for who knows how long, for who knows what about, and for who knows why. I'm a pretty understanding person, and forgiving. But lying is unforgivable in my book. How am I going to be able to trust someone again if they lie to me, and not just once, but numerous times. I honestly don't know what is up with this person now. I can't believe this person had me fooled. Maybe I am dumb and born yesterday, but I'd like to think I wasn't and I'm not dumb. I can't believe this shit. And for someone who knows that I have trust issues to lie to me just makes things ten million times worse. I am dumbfounded and appalled at this blatant disrespect and I can't even come up with things to call it, but it is disrespectful. Here I was thinking this person was some decent person, and it turns out they weren't. They were just like every other person who has lied and hurt me. THANKS......
best laid plans
Why is it that the best laid plans always crumble?
Why is it when everything is going well things fall apart?
Why can people not see what is right in front of them?
I just don't understand. And I want to. I could scream right now. And not just for the sake of screaming, but scream at somebody. I've gotten things back on track with my life, I'm slowly moving forward. And then something wonderful comes into my life and then the next minute that wonderful is gone. And not just gone, but changed, like a totally different thing. Not what I thought it was. I sure got a couple answers yesterday I had been searching for. And they shocked the hell out of me. I never expected this to happen, and I didn't expect it to turn out this way either. I thought for sure it would have a happy ending, granted it still could, but I'm definitely not waiting around.
I started a new job. I love it. I love that it has nothing to do with kids. How horrible. I just can't be around them as much right now. Even though I was working with older kids they still some how reminded me of my son. I think it was the fact that I won't get to see my son grow up to be that age, and that I'll only get pictures and letters to show me how he's growing up. I don't second guess myself, I know I did the right thing. But I sure do kick myself for getting in this situation and I could castrate the man who put me here. I try not to hate him, and I don't think I hate him, but I have never in my life felt so much dislike towards another human being. Yes I know that I was to blame for the situation, yes I take responsibility for my actions, but it does take two to tango and well, I was not alone in my actions and I got the shit end of the stick, and here he is still with his girlfriend and not having to deal with the ramifications of OUR actions. People keep telling me he'll get his, but when. I think he should have to deal with it NOW like I'm having to deal with it, and like I'm going to have to deal with it the rest of my life. It's not fair. And I'm sure you're thinking, life isn't fair, and I know this. But this really isn't fair.
Why is it when everything is going well things fall apart?
Why can people not see what is right in front of them?
I just don't understand. And I want to. I could scream right now. And not just for the sake of screaming, but scream at somebody. I've gotten things back on track with my life, I'm slowly moving forward. And then something wonderful comes into my life and then the next minute that wonderful is gone. And not just gone, but changed, like a totally different thing. Not what I thought it was. I sure got a couple answers yesterday I had been searching for. And they shocked the hell out of me. I never expected this to happen, and I didn't expect it to turn out this way either. I thought for sure it would have a happy ending, granted it still could, but I'm definitely not waiting around.
I started a new job. I love it. I love that it has nothing to do with kids. How horrible. I just can't be around them as much right now. Even though I was working with older kids they still some how reminded me of my son. I think it was the fact that I won't get to see my son grow up to be that age, and that I'll only get pictures and letters to show me how he's growing up. I don't second guess myself, I know I did the right thing. But I sure do kick myself for getting in this situation and I could castrate the man who put me here. I try not to hate him, and I don't think I hate him, but I have never in my life felt so much dislike towards another human being. Yes I know that I was to blame for the situation, yes I take responsibility for my actions, but it does take two to tango and well, I was not alone in my actions and I got the shit end of the stick, and here he is still with his girlfriend and not having to deal with the ramifications of OUR actions. People keep telling me he'll get his, but when. I think he should have to deal with it NOW like I'm having to deal with it, and like I'm going to have to deal with it the rest of my life. It's not fair. And I'm sure you're thinking, life isn't fair, and I know this. But this really isn't fair.
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