Updates & his birthday

I know this is kind of late, but better late than never!!!

I’ve gotten several emails and even a letter in the mail from my son’s adoptive mother. My first email was on his birthday, and it just made that day so much more special. She sent some family pictures they had done, and they were really cute!

Then a few weeks later she sent some more. Just pictures from life, and the last 6 months. I so enjoyed seeing them. And then this week she sent pictures from their birthday and Christmas.

I can’t get over how TALL he is and how much he is looking like a child and not a baby or toddler. And I can’t help but see his birth father in him. The poor kid has the guys hairline.

He’s doing really well though. He’s growing and developing. He’s right on target. Which is quite amazing since he had a rough first 6-8 months of life. He’s come a long way. And it is so wonderful to see him doing well.

On his birthday, I was hanging out with my friends, and decided it would be a great idea to get a cake, and celebrate his birthday. So we went to see Arthur Christmas and then went to Chili’s for drinks and dinner.

3 Years

It’s hard to believe that I went to bed 3 years ago with my son with me, and then woke up to go deliver him, and give him to his adoptive family.

That was a rough night, I was anxious about everything, but I was so ready to be done with the pregnancy, that I don’t think it really sunk in as to what I was really doing.

I knew I was going to go through with it, I never once questioned that. I didn’t necessarily want to give him to the adoptive family, but I knew that keeping him was not what was best for him, or myself.

The first few nights after the birth and placement were pretty rough. It didn’t dawn on me until after how much of an impact this had all taken on me, or would have taken on me. And it hit like a ton of bricks.

You know how people who have gone through a loss, especially an infant loss (or adoption), say that they wake up thinking they heard a baby? That didn’t really happen to me, it was more of an emptiness. I’d wake up feeling empty. My arms felt empty, my womb felt empty. I’d find myself rocking myself to sleep. Crying until I could no longer cry.

I’m just so glad that I’m not there, at that point any more. I miss him like crazy, and I think of him EVERY DAY! But I’m happy with my decision, and my life. I really wouldn’t want to change a thing. And I think that says a lot about where I’m at.

So happy birthday son. I love you and miss you so much!

Officially Suck

I officially suck at blogging. I mean, hell, it’s almost been 2 months…

Not much is going on here, I’m super busy working and hanging out with friends. It sure does make the time go by so much faster.

I’m actually off work for a week or two, they’re on the mainland. So I’m catching up on sleep, and chores. But mostly sleep. I’ll try to catch up on blogging too.

Saturday will be 6 months down, 6 months to go in the deployment front. And the hubby sent me these wonderfully beautiful flowers to “celebrate” making it halfway through the deployment.

I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot lately too. But seeing as he’ll be 3 in a few months, he’s not so much a baby anymore is he…it’s so hard to imagine that it’ll be 3 years in December. I mean, it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.

I still miss him a lot, and I’m sure I will miss him for the rest of my life. Which I’m sure some people just don’t understand, because I don’t understand…I don’t know how I can miss him when I never really knew him or had him, you know. So it doesn’t make much sense that I miss him. But I guess, that’s just the miracle of childbirth, you carry this thing around with you for 9 months, and even though you try like hell not to get attached, you end up attached.

My Birthday

It wasn't my 1st birthday without the hubby, he missed the first birthday I had while dating. It was in 09, I turned 24, and he left for Oklahoma a few short days before. And now, here we are 2 years later, except he's in Afghanistan.

It was a weird day yesterday. I had an off day, kept messing things up, forgetting things, and just not having things go my way.

Until dinner and even there I almost left my debit card at the restaurant. 15 of us got together for dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. It was AMAZING!!! New friends were there and old friends, and a few of my favorite children. Plus a huge chocolate cake from Costco. Which I think there should be some law against buying your own bday cake LOL

I got my nails done and then went to the mall and got my hair done, and my free bday drink from Starbucks!

When I got home from dinner I got on fb and the hubby was on and I got to Skype with him. It made my bday so much better. I hadn't heard from him all day and I was getting a little annoyed and anxious.

I got some really awesome gifts, which I was not expecting and that made my day! I will post some pictures when I get them.

I also met my great grand sis mom, in my sorority we had sis moms, not big sis/lil sis, its hard to explain. But Merce was my sis mom, MiMi was her's, and then Kathy was her's. And I met Kathy last night. She just moved to Hawaii. She had graduated the semester before I pledged, so we missed one another.

I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends!

posted from Bloggeroid

Oops, it's been a week...and 5QF

Well, I'm doing the Five Question Friday post, but I can't believe it's been a week since I posted, I'm such a slacker when it comes to blogging sometimes...

The hubby left Saturday for NTC, he'll be gone a whole month, which doesn't seem like that long when you look at the deployment itself, which is 12 months...

His birthday was Sunday, and he was so busy with training, but he called me that night, so I got to tell him happy birthday over the phone, I had texted him happy birthday, but it was nice to hear his voice. And yesterday was the first time since Sunday he had called, we'd texted a few times, but it was nice to hear his voice, since I won't be able to for 2 weeks. It is probably nothing compared to when they deploy, and I feel bad complaining about it on Facebook, but I really wasn't complaining, just saying I hadn't heard from him. And then he called! It was nice to hear from him, and say hello and goodbye and I love you before the 2 weeks with no contact!

We had a HUGE storm Wednesday night, it was AWESOME! But I baby sat for a friend, and ended up staying until after 10pm, when the storm was pretty bad, and I got SOAKED and I was wearing flip flops, and my feet got SOAKED, and I woke up not feeling well. I really hope I feel better soon, I have tickets to see Comedian Chelsea Handler on Saturday! (you know the show on E!, Chelsea Lately) Josh Wolf is going to be with her, I wish it was Jo Koy, Sara Colonna, Ross Mathews or Loni Love, but I like Josh Wolf too...and I got the tickets for a great deal from a friend who should be cuddling with her baby right now, hopefully....I told her I'd get a picture of Chelsea, and I will do my BEST! I hope Chuy, her little Mexican Nugget assistant is with her! He is just too funny!

So onto Five Question Friday.....

Rules for 5QF: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then watch for the linky to appear Friday morning! Oh, and HAVE FUN!!

Questions for Friday, January 14th: (Special thanks to Sharaya, Kate, Deanna, @trooppetrie, @ChelsVandy for their question suggestions! Wanna be linked in a future 5QF? Bring your awesome question suggestions to my community, or shout 'em out to me on Twitter [@5crookedhalos]!!)

1. What movie could you watch over and over again and not get tired of?

Sound of Music, Twilight Saga, The Notebook, A Walk To Remember, The Hangover, any animated Disney movie (well, mostly the classics..)

2. What's your biggest pet peeve right now?

When the DVR doesn't record what it said it did, when the satellite goes out during a recording, or when watching TV, and dead beat parents....

3. If you had to describe your best friend in five words or less, what would you say?

Loving, Caring, Beautiful, Selfless, Wonderful (and that can describe about 5 or so people in my life...I set my standards high when it comes to friends LOL)

4. If you did not have to worry about money or go to school what would you do for a living?

I would just be a wife, I would have maids and chefs and a trainer and all the other things rich people have, LOL...

5. What is your one "splurge" item, that you will always buy, no matter the cost?

Well, I'm not sure, I can't think of anything, maybe notecards or stickers, my husband it would be video games, but for me, I really can't think of something...I mean, nothing huge, so I guess that doesn't really matter, since price isn't a factor...scrapbooking supplies would fit somewhere in there too....

Today

*Disclaimer: This is MY blog, and these are MY thoughts, I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel bad or in no way want things to get back to the adoptive family. MY thoughts don't mean I'm not happy with them or that I hate them or don't love them, they are just MY feelings. And I think that I'm entitled to my feelings and should be able to write about them whenever and however I want to, and shouldn't have to feel as if I need to edit myself, so be warned, lol*

You know, yesterday was a pretty good day, seeing as it was my son's 2nd birthday, but today, well, that's a different story because today marks 2 years since I last held him and saw him in person, and well, I miss him. I didn't think I would be so shut out of his life, I never thought I'd be the birthmom who only gets letters and pictures every so often. See, I knew the family before I got pregnant, and I didn't think it was necessary to make a iron clad openness agreement. There was talk about a calendar of his milestones that she'd send me, and an official letter and pictures once a year, but I never thought they'd shut me out as much as they ended up doing in the end. I wish I had the knowledge then to make these things, and I hate that it is too late. I did email the attorney about a month after the birth to plea for more updates, and I asked for every 6 months, and they came up with every 3 months until he's 1 and then every 6 months til he's 4, and then yearly.

I know I'm lucky to even get updates, but it just stinks when you were thinking you'd have more than that. And it stinks when you feel as if you were just an incubator for this family, and they were saying things and doing things just so you'd give them your child. And since I'm being real here, that is how I felt a few months after the birth and adoption. I felt betrayed, I felt let down, I felt as if they used me. And that is a horrible feeling to feel when you're speaking of friends, and my son's parents. But it was how I felt at the time, and how I sometimes feel from time to time. Please don't tell me it's the Devil, because I think my thoughts are completely justified, and that would just piss me off. Please don't try to make me feel better, I'm not looking for that, nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just simply putting it out there.

Everyone asks if I could go back what would I do differently, and well, I don't think that answering that question would necessarily mean I regret anything, but just that if I had known what I know now then there would be some things I'd do differently. For instance, I would have asked for time alone with my son. And that I'd be able to spend more time with him. I got to see him twice after he was born, and hold him twice, but if I could have held him longer, or spent more time with him, I think it would have been just that much more of a memory. But instead, there were 4 people visiting me, the adoptive mom and a nurse, and the nurse was very pushy about how he needed to go get tests, that could have waited a few more minutes. I did get to see him again that day, but it was as they were leaving the hospital, so it was rushed as well. Another thing I'd do differently is the openness agreement, I would have made sure I knew exactly what to expect from them after the birth, and in regards to our friendship on facebook and what not. Instead I just assumed things, and that ended up hurting me in the end. I kind of understand what they meant, but it was as if they weren't thinking about my feelings, but only theirs, and that sucked. They were so interested in how things were going before he was born, and how I was doing before he was born, it was almost as if they just didn't really care any more.

I'm quite lucky, I know. And I cherish the updates I get, and look forward to them. I love the adoptive family so much, and I'm so grateful to them for giving my son a life I just was not able to at the time, and they will always have a special place in my heart, as they tell me I will in theirs. It just is really hard sometimes. And I think that I just needed to write these feelings down and get them out there, so they're no longer lingering inside me. And it does feel a little better. It just will always hurt, and the day it stops hurting is the day I will want to curl up in a ball and die. I know that will never happen, and no matter what happens in my life I will always love my son, even when my husband and I start having our own children. And I know that even when I don't think about him, I still love him and won't ever forget him. But right now, he's almost always on the forefront of my mind, and the hole in my heart that longs for him is quite large, and nothing seems to cure that. I know time will, and time has helped, just not as much as I'd hope it would have.

25 years old and a sprained ankle in Maui

So Saturday was my birthday, the big 2-5! It was great, the LT got me a pearl necklace, on top of the Maui trip, it was an impromptu gift, seeing as we were walking around this little town and they had this shop where you picked an oyster from a bowl of water and blessed it and then they opened it for you, and there was a HUGE pearl in it, and then I got to pick a charm to go with it!

And then the next day, which was my actual birthday, we went driving the Road to Hana, it took us 9 hours to do the whole road, and it was like one lane roads that were two way, and not enough room for 2 cars to drive, several unpaved roads, and a million curves, but the waterfalls were amazing, and some of the stuff we saw was great too...but this next picture explains it all....

So this is what happens when I lose my footing on gravel. We were going to go down to a Black Sand Beach, and well, BAM, I fell on my ass, and I cut my foot up and sprained it and even cut my right forearm pretty bad too....

And my husband is the best, and went and took a pic of the flavors they had and showed me, and even got me a bag of ice, I got Watermelon, Cherry and Strawberry....

It was the best ever, and I even got another one on Sunday at the aquarium! How exciting, I love me some shaved ice. It was so good!

I rode around the aquarium and air port in style, in a wheel chair, I felt special, but going through security with a wheel chair and crutches is NO BUENO, and SLOW...and word of advice, if you have a GPS and you have the case that can go on the car dash, put it in your checked bag because they'll test it because the sand or whatever looks like a bomb...

I've got a sprained ankle, if you couldn't tell from the picture, but I also have a bone fragment in a ligament or something, so I have to see an orthopedic, and I also have to get a new license, since my license expired Saturday, on my 25th birthday....which just happened to be the same day I sprained my ankle, ugh....and the LT is working, and we have to find time to get my license, and he has to take my to the dentist if we can't do it before Thursday, and so I'm pretty stressed, but I had a great vacay and birthday, and I think I will NEVER forget it!