3 Years

It’s hard to believe that I went to bed 3 years ago with my son with me, and then woke up to go deliver him, and give him to his adoptive family.

That was a rough night, I was anxious about everything, but I was so ready to be done with the pregnancy, that I don’t think it really sunk in as to what I was really doing.

I knew I was going to go through with it, I never once questioned that. I didn’t necessarily want to give him to the adoptive family, but I knew that keeping him was not what was best for him, or myself.

The first few nights after the birth and placement were pretty rough. It didn’t dawn on me until after how much of an impact this had all taken on me, or would have taken on me. And it hit like a ton of bricks.

You know how people who have gone through a loss, especially an infant loss (or adoption), say that they wake up thinking they heard a baby? That didn’t really happen to me, it was more of an emptiness. I’d wake up feeling empty. My arms felt empty, my womb felt empty. I’d find myself rocking myself to sleep. Crying until I could no longer cry.

I’m just so glad that I’m not there, at that point any more. I miss him like crazy, and I think of him EVERY DAY! But I’m happy with my decision, and my life. I really wouldn’t want to change a thing. And I think that says a lot about where I’m at.

So happy birthday son. I love you and miss you so much!

National Adoption Awareness Month

I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2

Needs and Wants

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye Hardwick

This quote is from Birthmom Buds and it is just something that is so true.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I really feel like God wants me to be a mother, to raise children. But I know that the timing was off. I knew that what I had to offer a child at the time was not going to give my son everything he NEEDED, not so much what he wants, but what he needs. Sure I could have given him those things, but at what cost. Welfare and WIC and Foodstamps, crappy healthcare and even crappier childcare. Now, I’m not knocking those things, because I know that they’re needed, but those are temporary solutions to your problems, they’re not something that should be used long term. At least, in my opinion. I was on WIC when I was pregnant, so I’m really NOT against these programs. But I was only on it while I was pregnant, and then never went back on it. I was also drawing unemployment at one point, but that is temporary as well.

My son now has a roof, food, clothes, and two loving parents, and an awesome big brother. All of which I couldn’t really provide. Sure I had a roof and food and clothes, but what kind of childhood would he have had if I had raised him. He wouldn’t have known his father, as he didn’t want anything to do with him, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t force the guy to even pay child support, let alone force him to see the kid he didn’t want anything to do with.

It didn’t seem like a healthy choice for my son, battling it out in court with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him, and forcing this guy to pay for a child he wanted nothing to do with. I just can’t imagine the negative effects that would have had on him later in life.

I’m sure my son will have problems later in life, issues with the adoption, but I’d hope he’d realize that what I did, I did for him, and to give him a better life. And as much crap as I give the birthfather, I do hope that one day he comes around and realizes that this amazing little boy is his son, and will want to know him.

And I hope my son can see that I really did put his needs over my wants, because I really still feel like I did, to this day. I have no regrets about giving him a better life. And in turn, I gave myself a better life as well.

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

Officially Suck

I officially suck at blogging. I mean, hell, it’s almost been 2 months…

Not much is going on here, I’m super busy working and hanging out with friends. It sure does make the time go by so much faster.

I’m actually off work for a week or two, they’re on the mainland. So I’m catching up on sleep, and chores. But mostly sleep. I’ll try to catch up on blogging too.

Saturday will be 6 months down, 6 months to go in the deployment front. And the hubby sent me these wonderfully beautiful flowers to “celebrate” making it halfway through the deployment.

I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot lately too. But seeing as he’ll be 3 in a few months, he’s not so much a baby anymore is he…it’s so hard to imagine that it’ll be 3 years in December. I mean, it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.

I still miss him a lot, and I’m sure I will miss him for the rest of my life. Which I’m sure some people just don’t understand, because I don’t understand…I don’t know how I can miss him when I never really knew him or had him, you know. So it doesn’t make much sense that I miss him. But I guess, that’s just the miracle of childbirth, you carry this thing around with you for 9 months, and even though you try like hell not to get attached, you end up attached.

Countdown fun

Got this from Red Hot :)

ten. Favorite Places to be. 
1. Anywhere with the husband
2. Sleeping
3. At home
4. With friends
5. Starbucks
6. Maui
7. The sofa
8. Computer chair
9. Neighbor's house
10. With loved ones

nine. Weird things about me
1. I don't like when my volume on the tv, radio, computer is an odd number, but I'm okay with it ending in a 5...
2. I love to plays Sims 3
3. I'm addicted to Facebook, and I'm pretty good at stalking
4. I can't wait to have children, but I'm in no rush
5. I have an addiction to nail polish and Scentsy scent bars
6. I try not to judge people - everyone has done things they're not proud of, and who am I to make a judgment about you, when I'm not perfect...
7. I love to dance, but I'm not good at it at all...
8. I will never eat another gummy bear in my life
9. My very best friend and I have never met in person, but we are closer than some of my family members...

eight. Things I am going to do this summer
1. Go to Maui
2. Stay in Waikiki
3. R&R
4. Work
5. Go to Vegas
6. Walk
7. Tan
8. Take hubby back to airport :(

seven. Things I am thinking of. 
1. My husband
2. Son
3. Babies
4. Family
5. Friends
6. Food (I'm hungry)
7. Sleep (didn't sleep well)

six. Things I am wearing. 
1. Old Navy Capris
2. Wal Mart Shirt
3. Silly Bandz (Hello Kitty, Tinkerbell)
4. Slippah's (flip flops)
5. Wedding ring
6. Birthstone ring

five. Things I am worried about
1. Hubby leaving
2. Money
3. Flying to Maui
4. Deployment
5. ???

four. Things on my floor
1. Clothes
2. Drinks
3. Shoes
4. Laundry Baskets

three. Things I want to do today
1. Play Sims
2. Cuddle
3. Sleep

two. Things I will reveal
1. We are not trying to get pregnant, but we're not preventing it.
2. I love having my husband home for R&R but a part of me can't wait for him to go back so we can get this deployment over with.

one. A Secret
Well, hmm, I was planning on coming home in August, but I just don't think I'm going to be able to afford it. So instead, for Labor day I might meet up with a friend in Vegas.

Deployment número uno

My husband left a few days ago. He'll be gone a while, 12 months. I haven't really written about it much on here since this is mainly my adoption blog, but I figured I'd owe ya'll an explaination as to why I've not posted in a really long time.

So, back in March we went to the mainland, we were there for 2 weeks, and I really didn't have a computer to update one when I was there. We had a good trip. It was so stressful though. I'm glad to be back home. We spent time in Atlanta, Dahlonega, and Chattanooga. We saw everyone we could, and spent as much time with them as we could. It was hard to fit everything in but I think we did a pretty good job. I am not looking forward to another trip like that though, if I'm being honest. I told people I'd be back while the husband is deployed, but quite honestly, I don't know if I want to. I'm happy in Hawaii, and I'm comfortable here. Plus, flying to the mainland is SO expensive.

I'm doing a lot better with this than I thought I would, I have only really cried when he was getting on the bus, and other than that, I've been fine. That may make me sound like a heartless bitch, or that I don't care about him, but I do care, and I am not heartless, I just know that there is no use in crying for him when he isn't going to be able to do anything for you. I've gotten emails almost every day, and he's called a few times. It's hard though, because the internet where ever he is sucks, and there is a delay. We mostly email and skype IM. I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've been sick, so that makes it hard to stay super busy. I just mostly want to lay in bed and watch tv. And I don't know if it's because of the deployment or the illness. It could be both.

I've been missing my son lately too. It has been almost 5 months since I got an update, and I'm hoping I get one soon. It's suppose to be every 6 months, so I'm hoping for May. I know every time around the time I'm suppose to get an update I get upset, and think they won't send one, but I think that's just a fear all birth parents in semi-open adoption have. It's natural, if you think about it. Especially if it's been a while, I know for me, it's kind of like, did they forget about me, do they know it's time, I just hate the not knowing. And I hate not having control. I also hate the fact that they didn't acknowledge the package I sent them. A simple thank you note would be nice, or a little note saying they got it. I don't think they need to thank me for it. But just let me know you got it. Let me know you liked it, or let me know if he enjoyed the book I sent. I got the book for free, and I want to know that they use it, that they read it to him, and that I didn't win the book for nothing, that it could have gone to someone else, who would have used it. I guess I may never know, but I hope they at least tell me in the next update.

The inner workings of my mind...

I find it really hard to write when things are going well for me. The last few weeks have just been good for me. Nothing special about them, just good weeks. And I'm so grateful for them.

I think I did this growing up too, I started a journal when things weren't so great, and would write in it all the time, but then, once I was feeling better, or things were going well, I'd stop. I've done that now, with the journal I started for my son. The 1st year after he was born I wrote almost every day, I filled a WHOLE journal before his 1st birthday, but now that I've gotten a second one, I haven't written much in his 2nd year of life. I feel bad, I feel guilty when I don't write to him. And I know I should write to him NOW when I'm doing well, so he can see that side of me, but it is SO hard to just sit down and write. I did write the other night. And it felt good. But I have found myself doing the same thing with my blog. I need to sit down and write down some topics I want to write about, some things that I want to discuss. I started this blog for myself, as an outlet, and then I decided to take it in a whole different direction as a tool for other's to go to for help. I want to help people with it, but I can't help people if I don't write. But I can't seem to find the motivation to write when I'm doing well.

And I'm SO thankful to be doing better, and to have been doing better for more than a week. I hope it stays, but the reality of it is that it probably won't. It never stays long. So I feel like writing in my blog or journal is going to take away from the time I have to enjoy this period of time where I am happy. Which really is stupid.

And this is pretty much what goes on inside my head on a daily basis...it's a constant dialog of gosh I hope I'm happy tomorrow; geez what's causing this; what might cause me to be unhappy; when will this end; if I take the time to write in a journal or blog I might take away from my happy time; and so on and so on....

Anyways, I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a lot more, but I am going to try to do better at blogging, I am going to write down some ideas, and go from there. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment....

Oops

The last post was suppose to be a break up, which my friend, Holly, did last week or something. Not an apology and thank you, but it just went that direction, nothing wrong with that, but I just figured I'd do my break up now...

I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant...I never really agreed with what MTV was doing, I don't think there is anything glamorous about teen pregnancy and unwed pregnancy. But it happens, and I think it is something that should be brought up. I don't like how they continued to have Gary and Amber fighting in front of Leah, and I don't like that they didn't step in and stop it, or use their resources to get them help, because honestly, if someone is going to use physical violence on someone they claim to love, then they need help, something is wrong. I don't like how Gary would let his friend talk him into being rude to Amber when he was trying to do something nice for her. But I watched anyways...it was a guilty pleasure, not something I'm proud of, not something I'd go back and redo...

I couldn't believe Farrah's mom would hit her, and then have knives in her hand when the cops showed up and not think that was wrong. And I don't see how she didn't know how the death of the father of Sophia didn't effect Farrah...I don't care if they were broken up at the time, someone your daughter loved, and made a child with just died, don't you think it might effect her a little, couldn't you be a bit more sympathetic? I think there is hope for their relationship though, now that they are going to therapy, and I think it is great that the therapist stood up for Farrah and was like, dude shut your mouth and listen to your daughter, and stop trying to make it okay, when clearly it's not right now...

And I just don't even want to get into the Maci thing, she makes people from Chattanooga look bad. Especially with that horrible tan job...no, seriously though, it's just horrible...

But the MAIN reason I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant is because of the adoption storyline they've taken. Catelynn and Tyler are great people, and I think what they did was awesome, I mean, obviously, I chose what they did for my son, but it is just so hard for me to see/hear of people who have open relationships with their children that they placed for adoption. And I don't know if I will be able to handle it on the Finale, and so I'm going to fast forward, I've decided to watch it, since I've watched the whole season anyways, but I'll fast forward through the reunion part...then there is another girl, who was suppose to be on last season's 16 & Pregnant, but I've seen her for the new season, and she blogged about her experience with adoption and her decisions, and when she would get people who were trying to give her support she would bad mouth them or get smart with them, but there were people who were just rude to her. But the ones who were nice and trying to help her didn't deserve that, and I don't think it was fair to the adoptive parents or her daughter to flip flop back and forth with yes I'm going to adopt and no I'm not, I mean, she went so far as to give the child to them, and take her back not once, not twice, but I think three times. And that to me is just hurtful. It's one thing to not know what you want to do, and to realize that you've made a mistake, but a child is not a toy or a dog, and you can't just give it back every time things get hard. I'm half curious how they spin it, or show it, and I'm half curious to see what she ended up doing, because I stopped following her blog after the 2nd time of taking her and giving her back. I just couldn't stomach it any more, and I couldn't stomach the rude comments she was getting, and the rude stuff she was saying back to people.

If there is one thing I've learned, in adoption, and in life in general, it's that you honestly can't say what you would or wouldn't do until you've been put in the situation, and what works for me, might not work for you.

Busy Bee Me

Man, since we got back from Maui I have been so busy. Seriously, I feel like I've not stopped...and I'm sure it will just keep going.

As ya'll know, I sprained my ankle in Maui, and so I had to go to the Quick Care to get it looked at, which they wanted to send me to an ortho, and so I had to go there, then I had to go to the dentist, and then go back to have a cavaity filled, and I had to have a phone session with my therapist since I can't drive, and I had group therapy the week before last, and an FRG meeting, and tomorrow another doctor's appt., and some where I have to go get my license, which might be a 2 trip thing if I can't get the driving test the same day I take the written test, which is just CRAP to me since I have a license, it's just expired, but whatever, I'll pass both...

So, I'm thinking about changing therapist, well, she's really my psych, but whatever...she's dropped the ball a few times, and I just think it's best to go elsewhere. I hate to change, especially since I've been with her since Jan/Feb...but like I said, she's dropped the ball...I'm going to tell her tomorrow if/when she calls for our phone session. Last week she forgot to call for our phone session, so I called the office, and she called back, at that point in time, I was willing to give her another chance, but she forgot to put in a medication for me, and she said she would...this is not the first time she has messed up a medication or prescription...I should have told her to put it in when she changed the dosage before we left for Maui, but I thought I'd have enough to get me through Maui and my next appt, and when I didn't, I told her, and she said she would, and since I can't drive, due to the whole no license thing, I asked a friend to take me by the pharmacy, only to be told that it wasn't in...and they could not get a hold of anyone at the office. Another thing that I want to achieve in changing is the whole group therapy aspect of my therapy plan. The week before last a member of the group got upset and threw a chair into a stack of other chairs, nobody was hurt, but I honestly did not feel safe at the time it happened, nor did I want to go back. (this is all I can say about it, since it did happen in a group therapy setting, and privacy and all that jazz) So that is really the main reason I called my psych last week, was to talk about what happened, and to set up an appt, since she had not called me to set one up...and we talked about it and she said she'd talk to the group leader, and would let me know. She talked to him, and he told her he was working on it, and she asked him to call me. He called me Monday to tell me he had a plan to insure our safety, but when I asked what he was planning to do he would not tell me, nor would he tell me if this person would be there, so I told him that if that person was there, then I would leave, but that I would try it. Well, I ended up not going because I just didn't feel like, and the hubby didn't get home in time, and we had a FRG meeting that night anyways. I haven't heard from anyone about group, and I'm thinking I'm going to go next week, but we'll see. I talked to a friend about it, and they suggested doing 5 minutes at a time, and if the person got angry to leave, so I think that is a logical way to deal with it, and might help with the anxiety of going. But to be honest, I just wasn't that impressed with the leaders attitude about it, nor did I like that he didn't explain what he was going to do to insure our safety, which next to trust is very important...don't you think?

My ankle is doing so much better, it still hurts when I move it funny or sit on it...I'm known to sit Indian Style or whatever, so I can't do that with my ankle yet, but it's definietly easier to walk on. The ortho doctor said it would heal on it's own, but that if I wanted to go to physical therapy I certainly could, and he even put in a consult, but since I can't drive yet, I've put it off, I can't ask the hubby to take me, and I'm not going to ask a friend to drive to the hospital for that, it's just too far....so if I can get in to get my license soon I'm going to call and make an appt, I have a couple more weeks, the consult will be null 30 days after it's put in the computer.

I can't really think of whatelse I was going to bring up, but I'm sure I'll think of something later, I've got my 5 Question Friday all ready to go once Mama M. puts up the linky post tomorrow, I feel so outta the loop with 5QF since I haven't done it in weeks...oh well....

Group Therapy

My psych wants me to start going to group therapy, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Grouped help when I got out of Valley, but I felt like I had to go, that I wouldn't have been released if I didn't agree to go.

I'm going to go, give it the ole college try.

I'll write a post either tonight or tomorrow about how it went. Probably tomorrow because I'm going to my psych tomorrow too. So I'll probably just lump that post together.

I'm nervous and my anxiety is super high. Thank goodness for my anxiety medicine.

Good Day

So Heather asked if I had seen my son since he left the hospital and the answer is no. I have a semi-open adoption where I'll just get updates and be able to send presents and updates on myself, but no visits. I have mixed feelings about that, but that is for another blog completely. And yes, Heather, journaling has seemed to help a lot.

Today has been so much better than yesterday. I hate to think it is because I've met a guy, but I think it might be. I met a guy. Through a friend. He is pretty great and we have a lot in common. I'll blog about him later, I'm having dinner with my dad tonight and hanging out and even though he's going to be busy doing his taxes, or whatever, I'd rather not be on the computer. And I think dinner might be almost ready.

So today has been a great day. It feels great to say that. I love it! Funny story time: So on my way to outpatient at Valley I spilled coke in my lap. Luckily I was only a minute down the road from my house and only spilled a little. I didn't get upset, pissed off, angry or anything. I was so proud of myself, it did not ruin my morning or my day. So here is how I spilled the coke. I had the can of coke between my legs to open it, after I opened it I came to a stop sign and BAM it tipped back and POW all over my lap - hahaha


I'm so glad today was a good day and I'm so glad I've met this guy. We don't know what we are right now, but we're both ok with that. I'm so comfortable around him and it feels just so natural.

Love ya'll -
Mandi

Why I'm Here

My BFF Emily suggested I start a blogspot to write my feelings down in. I just recently placed a son up for adoption. I'm not here to get attention and I'm not here to say I was wronged or I was completely innocent, because Lord knows I'm not. I'm here to share my story with others. In hopes that it will touch someone's life and help them make the right decision for their children, whether it is adoption or raising the child. I want to be someone who others can come to and say, hey I need help. And I want to say to them, hey I'm here for you.