National Adoption Awareness Month

I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2

The inner workings of my mind...

I find it really hard to write when things are going well for me. The last few weeks have just been good for me. Nothing special about them, just good weeks. And I'm so grateful for them.

I think I did this growing up too, I started a journal when things weren't so great, and would write in it all the time, but then, once I was feeling better, or things were going well, I'd stop. I've done that now, with the journal I started for my son. The 1st year after he was born I wrote almost every day, I filled a WHOLE journal before his 1st birthday, but now that I've gotten a second one, I haven't written much in his 2nd year of life. I feel bad, I feel guilty when I don't write to him. And I know I should write to him NOW when I'm doing well, so he can see that side of me, but it is SO hard to just sit down and write. I did write the other night. And it felt good. But I have found myself doing the same thing with my blog. I need to sit down and write down some topics I want to write about, some things that I want to discuss. I started this blog for myself, as an outlet, and then I decided to take it in a whole different direction as a tool for other's to go to for help. I want to help people with it, but I can't help people if I don't write. But I can't seem to find the motivation to write when I'm doing well.

And I'm SO thankful to be doing better, and to have been doing better for more than a week. I hope it stays, but the reality of it is that it probably won't. It never stays long. So I feel like writing in my blog or journal is going to take away from the time I have to enjoy this period of time where I am happy. Which really is stupid.

And this is pretty much what goes on inside my head on a daily basis...it's a constant dialog of gosh I hope I'm happy tomorrow; geez what's causing this; what might cause me to be unhappy; when will this end; if I take the time to write in a journal or blog I might take away from my happy time; and so on and so on....

Anyways, I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a lot more, but I am going to try to do better at blogging, I am going to write down some ideas, and go from there. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment....

Guilt

I talked with my therapist today about Guilt, well, she brought it up, but it makes sense.

It's not a secret how I got pregnant, and I still struggle with the fact that I put myself in that situation, and allowed myself to be so dumb. And I feel guilty. It'll be 2 years in December, and some days the guilt feels as strong as it did back then. There will be a few days where I won't feel guilty, but once I start thinking about it and dwelling on it, then it's just all downhill from there.

It's also not a secret that I never once said the reason for placing him for adoption was for myself, it was always what was best for him, but really, it was what was best for me too. And I feel guilty for thinking that, and I feel like I shouldn't move on and move forward, because somehow it means I'm forgetting. Even though I know that letting go of the guilt does not mean forgetting, and that forgiving myself for the situation is not forgetting. It's weird to describe and kind of makes me look stupid, but it's a fight between my logical brain and my illogical brain. I'm a smart person, or so I'm told, no that was a joke...I'm a smart person because I know that if I move forward with my life, and if I forgive myself and let go of the guilt then I won't forget my son, but I think when you're hurting you can't see it. But then again, I still knew that it wasn't true...

Anyways, I wrote a question over at my community on BlogFrog, I'm going to try and be more active on it, but we'll see, ha!