Love is sacrifice

A friend posted about the difference between “Love” and “In Love,” and her definition of “Love” really hit home for me, and I’m sure it will hit home for everyone. But it really hit home in defining my decision to place.

Here is what she said: “Ok, so love is active: we do it.  I feel love is an attitude that chooses what is best for another person, rather than what is easiest or most pleasurable for us.  Love is sacrifice. Love is a choice.  Loving someone (truly loving a person) usually lasts a lifetime. You grow to love someone for who they are and accept them for that.”

The phrase that came out of my mouth over and over when explaining my reasoning, and even now, 3 years later, as I tell my story, is that I wanted to do what was best for my son. It wasn’t until I had made the decision and was okay with the decision that I started to think of myself, and realize that even though it’s natural for a woman, a mother more specifically, to want to raise their children, I knew that this adoption was best for me too. As much as I wanted to raise him, I knew that it was not the best thing for me either.

And if you think placing him was easy, think again, placing him wasn’t easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It wasn’t pleasurable either, it was actually quite the opposite. Like I said, it’s not natural for a mother to not parent. It isn’t natural for a mother to leave the hospital empty handed.

No matter how much I tried to NOT attach myself to him, it happened. And when I realized that it had happened, it hit me super hard.

When people say that they couldn’t believe they could love someone they’d never met so much, they’re not lying. And I couldn’t believe how much I loved him, even when I tried so hard to NOT attach myself. It’s inevitable.

National Adoption Awareness Month

I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2

Needs and Wants

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye Hardwick

This quote is from Birthmom Buds and it is just something that is so true.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I really feel like God wants me to be a mother, to raise children. But I know that the timing was off. I knew that what I had to offer a child at the time was not going to give my son everything he NEEDED, not so much what he wants, but what he needs. Sure I could have given him those things, but at what cost. Welfare and WIC and Foodstamps, crappy healthcare and even crappier childcare. Now, I’m not knocking those things, because I know that they’re needed, but those are temporary solutions to your problems, they’re not something that should be used long term. At least, in my opinion. I was on WIC when I was pregnant, so I’m really NOT against these programs. But I was only on it while I was pregnant, and then never went back on it. I was also drawing unemployment at one point, but that is temporary as well.

My son now has a roof, food, clothes, and two loving parents, and an awesome big brother. All of which I couldn’t really provide. Sure I had a roof and food and clothes, but what kind of childhood would he have had if I had raised him. He wouldn’t have known his father, as he didn’t want anything to do with him, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t force the guy to even pay child support, let alone force him to see the kid he didn’t want anything to do with.

It didn’t seem like a healthy choice for my son, battling it out in court with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him, and forcing this guy to pay for a child he wanted nothing to do with. I just can’t imagine the negative effects that would have had on him later in life.

I’m sure my son will have problems later in life, issues with the adoption, but I’d hope he’d realize that what I did, I did for him, and to give him a better life. And as much crap as I give the birthfather, I do hope that one day he comes around and realizes that this amazing little boy is his son, and will want to know him.

And I hope my son can see that I really did put his needs over my wants, because I really still feel like I did, to this day. I have no regrets about giving him a better life. And in turn, I gave myself a better life as well.

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

A Poem, A Package, and Cross Stitch

When I first saw this poem I thought it would be great to cross stitch and frame for the adoptive family. I hadn't started yet, I couldn't figure out how to do it, or what to use. Well, Hobby Lobby online had a special $2.95 shipping deal, so I figured what the heck, I'll go ahead and get the stuff. I also got some stuff for a special piece for my house, I have to get different thread for that one, as the colors I got weren't what I had in mind. Anyways,  back on track...I started putting the poem on the fabric. It is a long poem, and I think I should have gotten a wider piece, and it might take two to get the whole poem on it, but I think it will turn out well. I'll post pictures when I'm at least done with the first stanza. Maybe ya'll can tell me what you think, please be honest, let me know if it sucks. I'll post pictures tomorrow, as I'm hoping it will be somewhat done....at least the first stanza. I call it that, but I don't know what else to call them, lol....I'm using blue thread and I'm going to back stitch in black. I'm trying to think if I want to put a boarder around it or not, I haven't decided. I think it depends on how long it turns out to be, and well, yea, I'm rambling, sorry...


I did send off a package to the adoptive family. I included the book I won from Kelsey, a christmas ornament I picked up, and the main reason it was so late in going out is because I decided to include some pictures from when I was a child, and the wedding and our first year here in Hawaii, and instead of using 1 hour, I did site to store on wal mart because it was so much cheaper than 1 hour or even to have them shipped here, it would have cost more than the pictures to ship them, and call me cheap, but I wasn't going to do that when I could have them shipped to the local wal mart for free....so I picked those up, and sent them along with a birthday card, a pretty long letter and then a note explaining why it was kind of late, I mean, I have no schedule as to when to send things, but they did send one to me between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I felt bad waiting. Anyways, they should get it next week. I hope they enjoy the book as much as I did, and I can't wait to get one for myself. The ornament I got was a cute little bear that was wearing a shirt that said "I <3 Hawaii" and I think he had a surf board, I can't remember. I thought it would be neat to give him an ornament from somewhere I lived, I think next year I'll send one from Tennessee or Georgia, but I don't know. His first ornament from me was Noah's Ark, because my mom wanted to give him my Noah's Ark music box, so I thought it was something neat to do. Last years was just a sugar cookie 2 with a bear....I was going to get the 3rd one this year, but I wanted something different. I'm sure I'm putting way to much thought into his ornaments, and I am sure right now he doesn't give a rats ass about them, lol...


The hubby will be able to talk again in 6 days, I can't wait....I haven't been having a hard time with it, until lately, the last couple days. He'll be home in just 2 weeks too :) Well, a little over 2 weeks. But either way, I miss him. I've tried not to complain, and I really don't feel like stating that I miss him is complaining. But if you think it is, then know that I don't mean it that way, and if you think it is complaining you can just skip this section...




Here is the poem put to music, it is quite touching...



So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure 
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore. 
But lately I've been thinking, 
Cause it's all I've had to do. 
And in my heart I feel that I 
Should give this child to you. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.


If you choose to tell him, 
If he wants to know, 
How the one who gave him life 
Could bear to let him go. 
Just tell him there were sleepless nights, 
I prayed and paced the floors, 
And knew the only peace I'd find, 
Was if this child was yours. 

And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours. 

This may not be the answer, 
For another girl like me. 
But I'm not on a soapbox, 
Saying how we all should be. 
I'm just trusting in my feelings, 
And I'm trusting God above, 
And I'm trusting you can give this baby 
Both his mothers' love. 
And maybe, you could tell your baby, 
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, 
By someone, who delivered your son, 
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

The inner workings of my mind...

I find it really hard to write when things are going well for me. The last few weeks have just been good for me. Nothing special about them, just good weeks. And I'm so grateful for them.

I think I did this growing up too, I started a journal when things weren't so great, and would write in it all the time, but then, once I was feeling better, or things were going well, I'd stop. I've done that now, with the journal I started for my son. The 1st year after he was born I wrote almost every day, I filled a WHOLE journal before his 1st birthday, but now that I've gotten a second one, I haven't written much in his 2nd year of life. I feel bad, I feel guilty when I don't write to him. And I know I should write to him NOW when I'm doing well, so he can see that side of me, but it is SO hard to just sit down and write. I did write the other night. And it felt good. But I have found myself doing the same thing with my blog. I need to sit down and write down some topics I want to write about, some things that I want to discuss. I started this blog for myself, as an outlet, and then I decided to take it in a whole different direction as a tool for other's to go to for help. I want to help people with it, but I can't help people if I don't write. But I can't seem to find the motivation to write when I'm doing well.

And I'm SO thankful to be doing better, and to have been doing better for more than a week. I hope it stays, but the reality of it is that it probably won't. It never stays long. So I feel like writing in my blog or journal is going to take away from the time I have to enjoy this period of time where I am happy. Which really is stupid.

And this is pretty much what goes on inside my head on a daily basis...it's a constant dialog of gosh I hope I'm happy tomorrow; geez what's causing this; what might cause me to be unhappy; when will this end; if I take the time to write in a journal or blog I might take away from my happy time; and so on and so on....

Anyways, I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a lot more, but I am going to try to do better at blogging, I am going to write down some ideas, and go from there. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment....

What's Your Advice for Teens?

I really am over the 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom thing, but there just wasn't anything on TV, so I got sucked in, and it was the Reunion show for the 2nd season. It seems that they have someone who choices adoption in every season. Which is great, that they show the struggles, but Lori, the one from Season 2 that placed was asked what she would say to Teens, she said to choice adoption.

Well, it got me thinking about what I would tell teens/young adults...and it isn't to choice adoption, or use contraception, but instead to NOT have sex, to wait until you're married and settled. BUT that if you do decide to have sex, then be on birth control AND use condoms. No teenager and young adult is ready for the responsibility a child brings. Even if you do make an adoption plan, and follow through with it.

You might feel like you're ready to have sex, but believe me, you're not. And the guy you're with just might not be there forever. And getting pregnant isn't going to make him stay, it might even push him away. Lucky for me, I didn't feel that way, I think cutting all communication with the father, and realizing that things weren't going to work out with us helped save me a lot of heartache, a different kind of heartache, but heartache nonetheless.

If you do find yourself in a situation where you are young and pregnant, then please, think about ALL your options. And seek the counsel of someone older and wiser, and who has been in your shoes. Talk to someone who had a child young, and kept it, then talk to someone who followed through with their adoption plan, even talk to someone who had an abortion. Educate yourself. Weigh ALL your options. Don't be afraid to talk to your parents.

Do research, and don't make any rash decisions. And if you're reading this, and find yourself in this situation, please don't hesitate to contact me.

National Adoption Awareness Month, revisited

Next month is National Adoption Awareness Month. A few years ago I made a TON of graphics to show support. So I thought I would share them on here, again, since the original post was made in Nov 2009. If you want to use any of them just right click to save to your computer, and please link back to give me credit, as I designed them.

General:


Adoptive Parents:


Birth Mother:


Adoptee:


Adoptee Sibling:


Letter to Adoptive Parents:




Letter to Birth Parents:




Adoption:

Adoption Awareness // Bloggers Unite

Adoption Awareness // Bloggers Unite

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Mother's Day Question Answered

Ronnie and Suzi @ New Languages, New Loves asked the following question, so I thought since Mother's Day is right around the corner I would touch on this subject!

Great post again. As we approach Mother's day, I often wonder what is the best way to acknowledge this day with our son's birth mom. If you are comfortable, I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

That is a GREAT question. It is a tough subject, and a very touchy subject. The thing about Birth Mother's is not every Birth Mother is the same. Some take things very hard, other's not so much. I know my parents and friends and family had no idea what to do for me on that day.

The one when I was pregnant my father bought me a teddy bear that was bare foot and had an ice cream cone w/ a pickle on top and her shirt said "bear foot and pregnant" it was super cute. He took his girlfriend and me to dinner (which I then threw up after ward since I had hyperemesis). The next Mother's Day he got me a gift card to Bath & Body Works and took us to lunch again, that I did not throw up after ward! My brother even wished me a happy Mother's Day.

From a stand point of my family and friends, I had a GREAT Mother's Day, but my adoptive family did not acknowledge me AT ALL. They even ended our Facebook friendship around that time, when they told me in Jan. they were going to end it then. So I got very upset about how that went down. We never talked about how holidays were going to go, or if we would even acknowledge them. I just figured they would want to pay some respect to me since if it weren't for me they wouldn't have him. We didn't even talk about our Facebook friendships when talking about how much contact. I just assumed they would continue to be my friends like they were before I had him. We talked daily, she would message me on Facebook daily asking me questions, and what have you. I felt like they used me as an incubator, and all they wanted was my child, and they could care less about me. That was a very low place for me, because I hated feeling that way, and I would like to believe I was wrong in thinking that. But I got over it. I moved on, and since they didn't do anything for me last year, I am not expecting anything this year.

Side note: I should be getting an update in June, seeing as he'll be 1 1/2, and I'm suppose to get an update every 6 months now.

Anyways, there is something you might be interested in....Not many people know about it, because it isn't a holiday that is recognized by a lot of people, but it's called Birth Mother's Day. Here is an article about it and when it is, and what it is. It doesn't really make sense to me when Birth Mother's Day is, because it says it is the Saturday before Mother's Day, so I don't know if they mean the week before, or the day before. I think it is the day before Mother's Day, because I found this list of Holidays(and it had a date by the holidays), you should take a look, there are some bizarre things going on in May. (Here is a link about Mother's Day)

Birth Mother's Day is just another way you can THANK your birth mother for the gift she gave you. She should be honored, and you should tell her often how grateful you are for what she's done.

The Triad and how you refer to all sides

I got a comment on "How to" part 2 from April @ Adopting our Third, I'm going to paste it in here, and link to her site, because it was a good question.

I've noticed that at times you call your child's adoptive parents "my adoptive parents." Some birth mothers find it offensive for adoptive parents to call their child's birth mother "my birth mother." What's your take on this?

I can't answer for ALL birth parents, but for me, it doesn't bother me at all. Since we were all friends before the adoption and since we have a lot of mutual friends we decided to use those terms to keep it private. That is not to say people didn't figured out who their birth mother was, and who I placed my son with. But we still keep that private. I think as time has gone by I don't mind them using my name now, but when I first got pregnant I was very ashamed, and felt very guilty. So I didn't want people to know, but as the pregnancy progressed, and I got sicker, more and more people found out. And they just put two and two together. I do get upset when people who I did not tell, or they did not tell, talks to others about our situation. I know there is one person who figured it out on their own, and was talking to people and telling them that I had a baby and gave it to my adoptive parents. I was not happy, and I don't think it is right for anyone to spread things around, even if they are true, that aren't theirs to spread. But that is a different blog, for a different day. Back to the topic at hand...

When they talk about the adoption, they will always say, "Please pray for OUR birth mother" and when I talk about them, I usually call them MY adoptive parents, sometimes THE adoptive parents. It just depends on my mood, and how I am feeling about it at the time. Sometimes I refer to them as the people who adopted my son. I try very hard not to use their names when telling people about it because I feel like that would be an invasion of privacy. But in telling my story, sometimes I feel like it is just easier to say their last name, because I did have 2 people mention asking the couple that did adopt him. (See how confusing that was, so to confuse people less, I'll say "The Red's" (not their last name, but an example...) Like I'll say, someone asked me if I had thought about "the Red's" and I will then go into why I had thought about them and why I didn't think they would be up for it. If that makes ANY sense, ha! I also try not to go into too much detail in as to why they choose adoption. It isn't my story to tell, but people will ask why they decided to adopt, and so I'll tell them that she is unable to get pregnant because she had her ovaries removed. I don't tell them why or how, just that they were removed. And I also tell people that they were thinking about adopting before she lost the ovaries, as they had always wanted 2 bio children and then to adopt. God just had other plans for them, seeing as they just have 1 bio child.

I'm going to take it one step further and touch on what we call the child. I call him MY son, because well, he is my flesh and blood, and even though I don't parent him, he will always carry my genes, and I feel like he will always be my son. They call him their son, because legally they are his parents, his guardians, so it just makes sense. Sometimes I have referred to him as OUR son. Because we all love him the same. Sometimes I get upset when I hear them say that he is their son, because it seems like they are forgetting who gave him life, but I know it isn't true, that they realize my part in our sons life. But that is something that I have to deal with. Again, these things are all on a case by case basis, and I can't talk for all birth mothers. But for me, I don't have any problem with what they refer to me as or what they call our son. And I hope they don't mind me calling them MY adoptive parents.  

I hope that answered the question, and please, if you have a question, don't hesitate to ask. I more than likely will answer you privately or post it as a blog, unless I don't feel comfortable answering, and then I will privately let you know that I got the question, but I don't feel comfortable answering right now.

Another thing April suggested is doing a "What TO Say to Birth Parents" - I am going to try to compile some things, but really I can't think of anything right now, and since so many people are different I think it would be hard to generalize that. But I may think of a way to do a post about what people have said to me that have helped. Or what you could say to ME to help. And not make it about just birth parents. Like I said, I'm not sure how that one is going to work, but just know I'm thinking about it, and appreciate the suggestion and questions. And if you have anything else you'd like to see on my blog I am totally open to suggestions.

"How to" part 3

Ok, this is the last post of the "How to" series - I did have someone ask to do a What TO say, so I'm going to work on that one. I think it will be much harder to come up with things because it really depends on a lot of things. But I will do my best to get that out there! And be looking for a FUN post later today, I figured ya'll would want something FUN after all this serious stuff!! =P

11. I was also told I would be able to move on with my life, and do things I might not have been able to do if I had kept him. That is very true; however, most people don’t think about that when they decide to place their child for adoption. I can tell you that my first thought was my son, I never thought about what it would be like for me after the adoption. I was an afterthought, and it never occurred to me what I’d be able to do once the adoption was settled. And I always say that if I hadn’t had gone through this then I wouldn’t be where I am today. But I never imagined how my life would be after I gave my son a better life. And it wasn’t an easy road for me. And I will continue to suffer from time to time. This leads into #12…


12. Nobody can prepare you for what it will be like after you sign those papers that say that child is no longer yours. And telling someone that it’s for the best and that you will be happy is kind of like #10, you have no idea what the future holds for birth parents. The road isn’t paved with smooth concrete; it’s paved with sharp rocks and curves. Please, don’t say it’s for the best. I know you think you are helping, but really, you’re not telling the birth parent anything they don’t already know. I wish someone had told me how bad it was going to hurt, leaving the hospital and going home empty handed. And some days I just don’t want the reminder that I left my heart with someone else. Because the truth is, I think about it every day. I have a HUGE hole in my heart, and no amount of words, love, talking, more children, NOTHING can fill that hole.

13. A lot of people like to think of us as selfless and wonderful, strong and brave, and tell us that we should feel good about our decision because we just made a family very happy. All of that is TRUE, but what about ME and MY FAMILY?! We suffered a loss, and all you can think of is the other family, and how HAPPY they are?! At the expense of mine. I get that you’re trying to make me feel better, but by saying that you are actually making me feel like chopped liver. Seriously, adoption was the hardest decision I have had to make, and it didn’t just affect me, it affected my family, and when you bring up the happiness the adoptive family is feeling it just stabs at that wound and makes it BLEED.

14. Some people like to think that since I’m in a semi-open adoption that I have a lot of contact with them. And I know people mean well when they ask me, but asking me if I’ve heard from them just reminds me that I can’t just pick up the phone and talk to him. If I hear from them, I will tell you. I will shout from the roof tops, and CHEER. Because I will know that he is actually doing really well, and is actually thriving in the new environment. But reminding me that I don’t have constant contact is just cruel. Even if you mean well. I will answer, and I usually don’t get mad when it is family or close friends who ask me. But if I don’t know you well enough, please don’t ask. It just takes me to a dark place.

15. This goes along with #11, with the whole, moving on thing. And I even had the adoptive family say it to me, but that they needed to not have as much contact so they could move on and that too much contact is “unhealthy.” Those words cut me SO deep. It was fairly early on after his birth, and since we had been friends before, and had become very close during my pregnancy, I thought it would continue. So people have told me that having contact isn’t healthy. But I beg to differ. I think it helps me; it makes me realize that I did make the right choice, and that he is better off. That isn’t to say that he would be miserable with me, because I’m sure we would have been just fine. But I LOVE hearing from them and I LOVE getting pictures of him, and seeing how happy and healthy he is. So my having some contact is not UNHEALTHY, but helps me move forward with my life, and helps me to heal. I also don’t think it is right to tell someone what is or is not healthy for them if you are not a doctor. And all my doctors have said limited contact is fine. So until you get a doctorate please keep those comments to yourself.

Ok, I think this is long enough(6 pages and 3,767 words), and some of them may seem like I’m repeating myself, and I think I might have in some cases, but it’s not being edited, and I’m going to leave it alone. I said I wasn’t going to edit it, and I have only a little, I’ve more added than changed things. But like I said in the first post, this is about what I have to say and not about how I said, remember? So, if there are mistakes, misspellings (which shouldn’t be since I wrote this in Word, even though I just noticed the new blogger posting page has a spell check…), coma splices or other grammatical errors, please look over them! I hope this helped ya’ll to understand some of what a birth parent goes through, and helps you to remember to think before you speak! Again, thanks for taking the time for reading this and I just want to thank Anna at Adoptive Momma of Two for linking to these posts, and allowing me the chance to educate. I’m thinking about doing other posts like this in the future, if you like stuff like this, or have questions, or things you’d like to see on my blog, please comment or email me, just put in the subject line my blog name and that way I won’t automatically send it to spam!!

"How to" part 2

There are about 15 that I've come up with, so I'm doing them 5 at a time, so there is one more post after this, I appreciate all the comments and I am glad that I have helped some realize the errors of their ways! I honestly thought I was going to stop at 12 or 13, but I was able to think of a few more. So thanks for taking the time to read and comment!!!

6. Some people told me that I was a bad mother for even thinking about adoption. I’m here to tell you, that I am a great mother, who put her child’s needs before her own. I’m a great mother because I realized that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own, and that I couldn’t give him what he needed more than anything, a stable environment with a mother and a father. No matter how much I wanted to keep him, no matter how hard I tried, I could not give him what he so desperately deserves, a father.


7. Some people told me that legally the father has to pay, and that legally the father has to do this and that. YES, a father SHOULD pay and be a part of a child’s life. But I didn’t feel like battling a man who refused to believe this child was his, who refused to take the consequences of his actions. I’ve seen way too many people suffering and trying to get their dead beat baby daddy’s to pay child support, or spend time with their children. And I didn’t feel that was fair to put my son in that situation. I grew up in a broken home. I know the toll it had on me, and I could not imagine putting a child through that. The birth father stopped talking to me after I told him I was pregnant, and I only held onto his phone number so I would be able to get a hold of him if I needed him to sign papers. (And before someone jumps on me about that statement, I told him what I was planning on doing, and gave him PLENTY of chances to talk to me about this, so it’s not like I didn’t give him a choice, because I did….) And I did need him to sign the papers, and even when he met the lawyer to sign the papers giving up his rights (but didn’t say whether he was the father or not) he told him that it wasn’t his kid. And the lawyer said “probably not, but I still need your signature.” When the lawyer told me that, I laughed. Of course he wasn’t the father, because of course, since I slept with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend or my husband that must make me a slut, and that must mean this child could have 15 different fathers. Hello, this isn’t Maury. And I knew who the father was, I may have gotten myself in a bad situation, but I was not sleeping with multiple men. And I don’t need people asking me if I’m sure he’s the father, or he can’t be the father. Because I know who I slept with, and when I slept with them, and when I got pregnant.

8. I have never been asked, but I know some have been asked if they received any payment. I did get asked if they helped with my medical expenses. They did not. I know that in some situations adoptive parents will pay for the medical expenses of the birth mother, my adoptive parents did not. However, it is illegal for adoptive parents to outright give money to the birth parents. They can pay medical expenses, and I encourage you to ask for the help, I however, did not. Since I knew the adoptive parents fairly well, I didn’t feel right asking for them to pay for my medical bills. They did pay for the adoption counselor; however, the lady I decided to go with was NOT helpful. (I can touch on that later) I was brought up to never ask how much something cost, or how much someone gets paid. It is just rude. Just like you wouldn’t ask an adoptive parent how much their adoption cost, you should not ask a birth parent how much they received. Chances are they only received enough for medical expenses, if anything at all. I know some agencies will help birth parents with the medical costs. We went with a private attorney and therefore I was unable to receive any assistance from an agency. Some people when they ask about the medical expenses say things like, well, they should because they would more than likely have those same medical costs if they were pregnant themselves. Which may be true, however, I was very sick and in and out of the hospital, so I racked up quite a bit of medical costs, and all pregnancies are different, so who’s to say they would have had the same expenses as I did. There is no telling.

9. The most annoying one I got was people would thank me for choosing life. That is so annoying. I really have no words to argue that one though. I heard it every time someone heard my story, or heard what I was doing. It’s like, if you knew me AT ALL, then you would know that abortion was NOT an option for me. Even though I got pregnant out of wedlock doesn’t mean I am not a Christian and believe that a child is a child at conception, and that abortion is the killing of babies. Because guess what, I’m a Christian, I just strayed and made a mistake. But my son didn’t have to suffer because of my wrong doings. I am not in any way attacking anyone who has had an abortion at one time or another; I am merely stating what I believe. And why I didn’t go that path.

10. Nobody knows what the future holds, except God, so this next one is just DUMB. “You can always have more children later.” Well, possibly. But like I said, you’re not God. And only God knows the plans He has for me. Thanks for the vote of confidence though, I mean, I guess. That is just, ugh. That’s all I can think when this one comes to mind. Its like, are you trying to make me feel better, because you suck at it. First of all, how do you know that I will want children later, or that I will even be able to get pregnant again? There are several cases where birth mothers find themselves suffering from secondary infertility. So telling someone they will have a baby later could possibly hurt them later on in life, when they in fact cannot have another child. Again, it all boils down to thinking before you speak.

"How to" part 1

So, I haven't added to the list today, but I will tomorrow before I add the rest of the things I want to say. Here are the first 5. Like I said yesterday, these are things that I've dealt with personally, and some I've heard of, and I've used my personal experience to explain how those things might make a birth parent feel.

Ok, on to the list of things NOT to say!


1. I got this A LOT, and I know other’s do too. And I’ll just tell you up front, that if it hadn’t been for people asking me if I had thought about so-and-so to adopt, I might not have picked the family I did. However, just because you know someone who knows someone who wants to adopt doesn’t mean you should tell the birth parent. Just because your best friend’s sister’s husband’s aunt and uncle’s child wants to adopt, doesn’t mean they should tell you about them. Only two people brought up the couple I ended up placing with, and I had already started thinking about them. But I had people tell me there was a lady who I worked with who wanted to adopt, and I was not comfortable placing with someone I would see every day, even though I picked an open adoption. I did not know I would be moving all the way across the country at the time, I did not feel that couple was a good fit. I also had my first OB ask to adopt my child, after he found out it was a boy. He has 4 girls, and I guess his wife had told him that she did not want to try again, so he saw a perfect chance to get his son. I changed doctors shortly after that conversation. I was very scared that he’d drug me and take my son from me, and I just went back to the days when girls were drugged and not able to see their children before signing the papers. And I couldn’t put myself in that situation, especially since the family I asked decided to adopt after all. How horrible would it have been if the doctor had done that? I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. So, if you know someone who wants to adopt, or know someone who knows someone, just keep it to yourself, chances are, if they are going through an agency, their profile will be shown to someone, and chances are they’ll get picked one day.

2. There was a mother at the school I worked at; she was a single mother of 2 children. She tried to talk me out of the adoption every time I saw her. It got exhausting trying to explain myself to her. Her reasoning for keeping him was that there was assistance, and food stamps and state insurance, and she would tell me these things like I didn’t already know there was assistance. I knew there was assistance, I was on WIC and food stamps, and for a while I had state insurance, until they screwed me over, and canceled it. But I didn’t want to rely on the government for the rest of my life. I didn’t want my child to be a “welfare baby,” it’s not that I thought there was anything wrong with that, I just wanted better for my son. Money wasn’t the only reason I wanted to place my son for adoption.

3. People also said things about how they weren’t that strong, or how they could never do something like that. You really can’t say things like that until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes. And what is right for me might not be right for you. But to say that to someone is not making them feel better about their choice, even if you mean it to. As a mother we want what is best for our children, and if you are a mother, than you know that. But if you aren’t a mother than you haven’t experienced that yet. And until you do, I wouldn’t go around saying how you couldn’t do something. Because if it is in the best interest of your child, you’ll do it. Would you really tell someone who had lost a child to death that you would never do that? Because I’m pretty sure nobody wants to know what it feels like to have a child die. And I’m not saying that adoption and death are related, just that saying things like not knowing if you could do something before being in that position is hurtful. And is insensitive.

4. Just because someone found them self unmarried and pregnant does NOT mean they are a bad person. They just found themselves in a bad place, people make mistakes. So please, don’t pass judgment. The only person who can judge another is God, and last time I checked He was still in Heaven. I know, for me, I was in a very dark place, I don’t know what led to that place, and I don’t know why I felt that way. But I made a mistake, I put myself in a situation that I shouldn’t have. And because of that situation, I wound up pregnant. I decided to have unprotected sex with someone who wasn’t my husband, and I think I’ve paid for that 10 fold. I don’t need you, and neither does any other birth mom, need you to tell us what horrible people we are. We already feel bad enough; and you telling us how horrible we are or what a horrible thing we’ve done is just making us feel even more like failures. And not all birth moms are unmarried, some of them are married, and their circumstances are different than the single birth moms, but that doesn’t make them a horrible person either. I don’t think I need to go into the reasons why a person chooses to put their child up for adoption; this isn’t that kind of post!

5. Something that people liked to tell me was that the pain gets better with time. I don’t want to hear that. And that is not always the case. I mean, yes, as time moved on, it got easier to handle. But it still hurts, and I’m still without my son. This is NOT something that we can sweep under the rug and just get over. We carried a child in our womb for 9 long months. Some of us had harder pregnancies than others, and we were invested in this little life, that won’t go away over night. Just like baby weight, you can’t expect to wake up one morning and get skinny, you have to work at it, and it takes time. Some days are better than others; some days are so unbearable you don’t want to get out of bed. Some days you are uber happy. It’s like a case of emotional bi-polar. Honest. One day I am just so happy and content with my decision, and then other days I feel like I made a mistake, or that I’ll never get better. I wouldn’t call it regret, but its close, and I like to play the “what if” game, which only ends up making me feel worse.

A "How to" Introduction, of sorts

So, I think it was last week, Anna, over at Adoptive Momma of Two wrote a guide about things you might want to stop and think about before you say them to someone who is dealing with infertility. So it got me thinking about things that people have said to me, and other birth parents that were just so insensitive and hurt so bad.

I actually have been told MANY things that have made me go “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!” Like these people just didn’t think before they spoke. So I’m going to give you some examples. So you can be more aware when you talk to a birth parent. The reasoning for not saying these things is all from MY personal experience and my personal feelings. But I think it will help ya’ll better understand how to handle a conversation with a birth parent.


I’m not telling you to walk on egg shells around us, but to think before you utter the stupid phrases that cut us so deep, and make us run for cover. You may mean well, but you could more than likely make things worse.

There was something about starting a blog that made me cringe, that is why I didn’t do it sooner. I was afraid of what people would say. I was scared of the backlash I might get, the negative comments I would have get. And I honestly haven’t had ANYONE say something negative to me on my blog, but I have had some negative comments on forums. And for the most part, I just let it slide. But I think it’s time someone wrote a “how to,” if you will, on what you shouldn’t say.

This is VERY personal for me, and I’ve put more of myself into this post than any other post, up to now. Even the ones that I tell you my story, this has opened up wounds I thought I had healed. It has taken me 2 days so far to write. And is more than likely going to be WELL over 2000 words. (I’m writing it in Word, so I have no spelling errors.) I also said I wasn’t going to edit it, but I changed my mind, and have already done so, and will probably read over it and change some things, take something out, but more than likely add something.) I’m going to do this in 3 posts. This will be the introduction of the “series,” for a lack of a better term, and then the next 2 posts will be the actual list of things I’ve compiled.

I am not a writer, and I never got good grades on papers, so please, have mercy on me! This is more about what I have to say, then HOW I write it.

Show Us Your Life Friday

Show Us Your Life - Your Ministry

Sorry this is so late in the day, but I hope it finds someone and is able to help others. I'm not the most knowledgable about Adoption and Birthmom things. But I want to help other girls who have been in my shoes make more of their lives after placement. My heart breaks for all the birthmothers out there who don't have the support system I did. I was very blessed to have such amazing friends and family. I've had my ups & downs, but that is normal in any situation, in any life. But I'd like to help someone decide on what to do if they are ever placed in a situation of parenting or adoption. I am wanting to be a sounding board for women who find themselves pregnant and alone. So, if you know someone who is struggling, please send them my way. I can try my best to listen, comfort and support. I might not know the answers to your questions or concerns, but I can sure do  my best to help you find it. Two heads are better than one, so they say!