3 Years

It’s hard to believe that I went to bed 3 years ago with my son with me, and then woke up to go deliver him, and give him to his adoptive family.

That was a rough night, I was anxious about everything, but I was so ready to be done with the pregnancy, that I don’t think it really sunk in as to what I was really doing.

I knew I was going to go through with it, I never once questioned that. I didn’t necessarily want to give him to the adoptive family, but I knew that keeping him was not what was best for him, or myself.

The first few nights after the birth and placement were pretty rough. It didn’t dawn on me until after how much of an impact this had all taken on me, or would have taken on me. And it hit like a ton of bricks.

You know how people who have gone through a loss, especially an infant loss (or adoption), say that they wake up thinking they heard a baby? That didn’t really happen to me, it was more of an emptiness. I’d wake up feeling empty. My arms felt empty, my womb felt empty. I’d find myself rocking myself to sleep. Crying until I could no longer cry.

I’m just so glad that I’m not there, at that point any more. I miss him like crazy, and I think of him EVERY DAY! But I’m happy with my decision, and my life. I really wouldn’t want to change a thing. And I think that says a lot about where I’m at.

So happy birthday son. I love you and miss you so much!

Sinking

I feel myself sinking…slowing drifting into depression. Into the darkness.

This holiday season is fast approaching, and with that comes the 3rd birthday of my son, and the emptiness that I sometimes feel when it comes to him. It’s just not natural to carry a child for 9 months and give birth to a baby, and then proceed to go home empty handed and spend the rest of your life without them. I remember the first few weeks, luckily I never woke up in a panic thinking I heard him or afraid I’d miss a feeding. But I did feel empty, my arms felt empty. I’d rock myself to sleep, instead of an infant, because it felt so weird to be going to bed without him. I would cry myself to sleep, begging God to bring him back. Knowing that he was better off with his new family, and that I’d be better in time. Knowing that I did what was best for everyone involved. I gave the best gift to a family who could no longer have children, and I gave the best gift to my son - a mother, father and brother, 2 of those things I couldn’t give him, well, the brother part is something I could have eventually, but the dad part, sure I could have met someone to take the roll, but that void would have still been there, and he deserved to have a father, a loving father, a Godly father.  He will always know how much he is loved, and wanted.

But another reason I’m starting to feel a little depressed is because this will be the 1st Christmas without my husband home. It won’t be our first Thanksgiving apart, we spent our first Thanksgiving apart, and granted the circumstances are totally different, as he was in Hawaii and I was still home, it still stunk. But at least we got to spend last Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I’m going home to the mainland for Christmas. I’m not too excited about the traveling, but I’m looking forward to seeing friends and family. But it’s not going to be the same. By all accounts we’re lucky to have spent 2 Christmases in a row together, but it doesn’t make the fact that we’re not together any easier. And I just feel so bad for him, because he’s all alone, and I’ll be with friends and family…

I put on a good front for people, on the outside I look great, but inside, I’m slowly creeping inside myself. I know I have friends who won’t let that happen, and I’m so incredibly lucky.

So, to my friends and family, thanks in advanced. I love ya’ll more than anything!

National Adoption Awareness Month

I know I know, I’m 3 days late…but we all know what a horrible blogger I am…
I am going to try and do some blog post for Adoption Awareness Month. But again, we all know how bad I am at this…
I do know that I have some stuff I want to talk about. So I guess I’ll just start…Oh and if you have something you’d like me to talk about, just let me know!
A couple weeks ago I was in therapy, I’m down to just once a month with her and every 3 months w/ my psychiatrist.
My therapy sessions have become mostly a social visit, and if there is something bugging me, or something I want to talk about we’ll touch on it, but it’s mostly just us talking about anything and everything.
She did ask me last time if I thought of my son often.
The short answer is yes, every single day..
The long answer is yes, but not like I use to. It’s no longer a deeply sad thing. It can be from time to time, and as I’m sitting here writing this it is, but as I told my therapist, I give myself a time limit.
I learned that technique in the hospital, allow yourself to grieve or cry or think for a set amount of time, and then when that time is over, move on. It might not work for everyone, but it helps me. And I found myself not needing to set a time limit any more.
I think about him daily, he’s always on my heart. I miss him. But I know that he’s happy, healthy, safe, and doing well, and that makes me happy.
I also thought I’d link to my Adoption Story, it’s 2 parts…
Part 1
Part 2

Needs and Wants

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye Hardwick

This quote is from Birthmom Buds and it is just something that is so true.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I really feel like God wants me to be a mother, to raise children. But I know that the timing was off. I knew that what I had to offer a child at the time was not going to give my son everything he NEEDED, not so much what he wants, but what he needs. Sure I could have given him those things, but at what cost. Welfare and WIC and Foodstamps, crappy healthcare and even crappier childcare. Now, I’m not knocking those things, because I know that they’re needed, but those are temporary solutions to your problems, they’re not something that should be used long term. At least, in my opinion. I was on WIC when I was pregnant, so I’m really NOT against these programs. But I was only on it while I was pregnant, and then never went back on it. I was also drawing unemployment at one point, but that is temporary as well.

My son now has a roof, food, clothes, and two loving parents, and an awesome big brother. All of which I couldn’t really provide. Sure I had a roof and food and clothes, but what kind of childhood would he have had if I had raised him. He wouldn’t have known his father, as he didn’t want anything to do with him, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t force the guy to even pay child support, let alone force him to see the kid he didn’t want anything to do with.

It didn’t seem like a healthy choice for my son, battling it out in court with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him, and forcing this guy to pay for a child he wanted nothing to do with. I just can’t imagine the negative effects that would have had on him later in life.

I’m sure my son will have problems later in life, issues with the adoption, but I’d hope he’d realize that what I did, I did for him, and to give him a better life. And as much crap as I give the birthfather, I do hope that one day he comes around and realizes that this amazing little boy is his son, and will want to know him.

And I hope my son can see that I really did put his needs over my wants, because I really still feel like I did, to this day. I have no regrets about giving him a better life. And in turn, I gave myself a better life as well.

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

Officially Suck

I officially suck at blogging. I mean, hell, it’s almost been 2 months…

Not much is going on here, I’m super busy working and hanging out with friends. It sure does make the time go by so much faster.

I’m actually off work for a week or two, they’re on the mainland. So I’m catching up on sleep, and chores. But mostly sleep. I’ll try to catch up on blogging too.

Saturday will be 6 months down, 6 months to go in the deployment front. And the hubby sent me these wonderfully beautiful flowers to “celebrate” making it halfway through the deployment.

I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot lately too. But seeing as he’ll be 3 in a few months, he’s not so much a baby anymore is he…it’s so hard to imagine that it’ll be 3 years in December. I mean, it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.

I still miss him a lot, and I’m sure I will miss him for the rest of my life. Which I’m sure some people just don’t understand, because I don’t understand…I don’t know how I can miss him when I never really knew him or had him, you know. So it doesn’t make much sense that I miss him. But I guess, that’s just the miracle of childbirth, you carry this thing around with you for 9 months, and even though you try like hell not to get attached, you end up attached.

Deployment número uno

My husband left a few days ago. He'll be gone a while, 12 months. I haven't really written about it much on here since this is mainly my adoption blog, but I figured I'd owe ya'll an explaination as to why I've not posted in a really long time.

So, back in March we went to the mainland, we were there for 2 weeks, and I really didn't have a computer to update one when I was there. We had a good trip. It was so stressful though. I'm glad to be back home. We spent time in Atlanta, Dahlonega, and Chattanooga. We saw everyone we could, and spent as much time with them as we could. It was hard to fit everything in but I think we did a pretty good job. I am not looking forward to another trip like that though, if I'm being honest. I told people I'd be back while the husband is deployed, but quite honestly, I don't know if I want to. I'm happy in Hawaii, and I'm comfortable here. Plus, flying to the mainland is SO expensive.

I'm doing a lot better with this than I thought I would, I have only really cried when he was getting on the bus, and other than that, I've been fine. That may make me sound like a heartless bitch, or that I don't care about him, but I do care, and I am not heartless, I just know that there is no use in crying for him when he isn't going to be able to do anything for you. I've gotten emails almost every day, and he's called a few times. It's hard though, because the internet where ever he is sucks, and there is a delay. We mostly email and skype IM. I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've been sick, so that makes it hard to stay super busy. I just mostly want to lay in bed and watch tv. And I don't know if it's because of the deployment or the illness. It could be both.

I've been missing my son lately too. It has been almost 5 months since I got an update, and I'm hoping I get one soon. It's suppose to be every 6 months, so I'm hoping for May. I know every time around the time I'm suppose to get an update I get upset, and think they won't send one, but I think that's just a fear all birth parents in semi-open adoption have. It's natural, if you think about it. Especially if it's been a while, I know for me, it's kind of like, did they forget about me, do they know it's time, I just hate the not knowing. And I hate not having control. I also hate the fact that they didn't acknowledge the package I sent them. A simple thank you note would be nice, or a little note saying they got it. I don't think they need to thank me for it. But just let me know you got it. Let me know you liked it, or let me know if he enjoyed the book I sent. I got the book for free, and I want to know that they use it, that they read it to him, and that I didn't win the book for nothing, that it could have gone to someone else, who would have used it. I guess I may never know, but I hope they at least tell me in the next update.

Today

*Disclaimer: This is MY blog, and these are MY thoughts, I'm in no way trying to make anyone feel bad or in no way want things to get back to the adoptive family. MY thoughts don't mean I'm not happy with them or that I hate them or don't love them, they are just MY feelings. And I think that I'm entitled to my feelings and should be able to write about them whenever and however I want to, and shouldn't have to feel as if I need to edit myself, so be warned, lol*

You know, yesterday was a pretty good day, seeing as it was my son's 2nd birthday, but today, well, that's a different story because today marks 2 years since I last held him and saw him in person, and well, I miss him. I didn't think I would be so shut out of his life, I never thought I'd be the birthmom who only gets letters and pictures every so often. See, I knew the family before I got pregnant, and I didn't think it was necessary to make a iron clad openness agreement. There was talk about a calendar of his milestones that she'd send me, and an official letter and pictures once a year, but I never thought they'd shut me out as much as they ended up doing in the end. I wish I had the knowledge then to make these things, and I hate that it is too late. I did email the attorney about a month after the birth to plea for more updates, and I asked for every 6 months, and they came up with every 3 months until he's 1 and then every 6 months til he's 4, and then yearly.

I know I'm lucky to even get updates, but it just stinks when you were thinking you'd have more than that. And it stinks when you feel as if you were just an incubator for this family, and they were saying things and doing things just so you'd give them your child. And since I'm being real here, that is how I felt a few months after the birth and adoption. I felt betrayed, I felt let down, I felt as if they used me. And that is a horrible feeling to feel when you're speaking of friends, and my son's parents. But it was how I felt at the time, and how I sometimes feel from time to time. Please don't tell me it's the Devil, because I think my thoughts are completely justified, and that would just piss me off. Please don't try to make me feel better, I'm not looking for that, nor am I looking for sympathy. I'm just simply putting it out there.

Everyone asks if I could go back what would I do differently, and well, I don't think that answering that question would necessarily mean I regret anything, but just that if I had known what I know now then there would be some things I'd do differently. For instance, I would have asked for time alone with my son. And that I'd be able to spend more time with him. I got to see him twice after he was born, and hold him twice, but if I could have held him longer, or spent more time with him, I think it would have been just that much more of a memory. But instead, there were 4 people visiting me, the adoptive mom and a nurse, and the nurse was very pushy about how he needed to go get tests, that could have waited a few more minutes. I did get to see him again that day, but it was as they were leaving the hospital, so it was rushed as well. Another thing I'd do differently is the openness agreement, I would have made sure I knew exactly what to expect from them after the birth, and in regards to our friendship on facebook and what not. Instead I just assumed things, and that ended up hurting me in the end. I kind of understand what they meant, but it was as if they weren't thinking about my feelings, but only theirs, and that sucked. They were so interested in how things were going before he was born, and how I was doing before he was born, it was almost as if they just didn't really care any more.

I'm quite lucky, I know. And I cherish the updates I get, and look forward to them. I love the adoptive family so much, and I'm so grateful to them for giving my son a life I just was not able to at the time, and they will always have a special place in my heart, as they tell me I will in theirs. It just is really hard sometimes. And I think that I just needed to write these feelings down and get them out there, so they're no longer lingering inside me. And it does feel a little better. It just will always hurt, and the day it stops hurting is the day I will want to curl up in a ball and die. I know that will never happen, and no matter what happens in my life I will always love my son, even when my husband and I start having our own children. And I know that even when I don't think about him, I still love him and won't ever forget him. But right now, he's almost always on the forefront of my mind, and the hole in my heart that longs for him is quite large, and nothing seems to cure that. I know time will, and time has helped, just not as much as I'd hope it would have.

Guilt

I talked with my therapist today about Guilt, well, she brought it up, but it makes sense.

It's not a secret how I got pregnant, and I still struggle with the fact that I put myself in that situation, and allowed myself to be so dumb. And I feel guilty. It'll be 2 years in December, and some days the guilt feels as strong as it did back then. There will be a few days where I won't feel guilty, but once I start thinking about it and dwelling on it, then it's just all downhill from there.

It's also not a secret that I never once said the reason for placing him for adoption was for myself, it was always what was best for him, but really, it was what was best for me too. And I feel guilty for thinking that, and I feel like I shouldn't move on and move forward, because somehow it means I'm forgetting. Even though I know that letting go of the guilt does not mean forgetting, and that forgiving myself for the situation is not forgetting. It's weird to describe and kind of makes me look stupid, but it's a fight between my logical brain and my illogical brain. I'm a smart person, or so I'm told, no that was a joke...I'm a smart person because I know that if I move forward with my life, and if I forgive myself and let go of the guilt then I won't forget my son, but I think when you're hurting you can't see it. But then again, I still knew that it wasn't true...

Anyways, I wrote a question over at my community on BlogFrog, I'm going to try and be more active on it, but we'll see, ha!

Oops

The last post was suppose to be a break up, which my friend, Holly, did last week or something. Not an apology and thank you, but it just went that direction, nothing wrong with that, but I just figured I'd do my break up now...

I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant...I never really agreed with what MTV was doing, I don't think there is anything glamorous about teen pregnancy and unwed pregnancy. But it happens, and I think it is something that should be brought up. I don't like how they continued to have Gary and Amber fighting in front of Leah, and I don't like that they didn't step in and stop it, or use their resources to get them help, because honestly, if someone is going to use physical violence on someone they claim to love, then they need help, something is wrong. I don't like how Gary would let his friend talk him into being rude to Amber when he was trying to do something nice for her. But I watched anyways...it was a guilty pleasure, not something I'm proud of, not something I'd go back and redo...

I couldn't believe Farrah's mom would hit her, and then have knives in her hand when the cops showed up and not think that was wrong. And I don't see how she didn't know how the death of the father of Sophia didn't effect Farrah...I don't care if they were broken up at the time, someone your daughter loved, and made a child with just died, don't you think it might effect her a little, couldn't you be a bit more sympathetic? I think there is hope for their relationship though, now that they are going to therapy, and I think it is great that the therapist stood up for Farrah and was like, dude shut your mouth and listen to your daughter, and stop trying to make it okay, when clearly it's not right now...

And I just don't even want to get into the Maci thing, she makes people from Chattanooga look bad. Especially with that horrible tan job...no, seriously though, it's just horrible...

But the MAIN reason I'm breaking up with Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant is because of the adoption storyline they've taken. Catelynn and Tyler are great people, and I think what they did was awesome, I mean, obviously, I chose what they did for my son, but it is just so hard for me to see/hear of people who have open relationships with their children that they placed for adoption. And I don't know if I will be able to handle it on the Finale, and so I'm going to fast forward, I've decided to watch it, since I've watched the whole season anyways, but I'll fast forward through the reunion part...then there is another girl, who was suppose to be on last season's 16 & Pregnant, but I've seen her for the new season, and she blogged about her experience with adoption and her decisions, and when she would get people who were trying to give her support she would bad mouth them or get smart with them, but there were people who were just rude to her. But the ones who were nice and trying to help her didn't deserve that, and I don't think it was fair to the adoptive parents or her daughter to flip flop back and forth with yes I'm going to adopt and no I'm not, I mean, she went so far as to give the child to them, and take her back not once, not twice, but I think three times. And that to me is just hurtful. It's one thing to not know what you want to do, and to realize that you've made a mistake, but a child is not a toy or a dog, and you can't just give it back every time things get hard. I'm half curious how they spin it, or show it, and I'm half curious to see what she ended up doing, because I stopped following her blog after the 2nd time of taking her and giving her back. I just couldn't stomach it any more, and I couldn't stomach the rude comments she was getting, and the rude stuff she was saying back to people.

If there is one thing I've learned, in adoption, and in life in general, it's that you honestly can't say what you would or wouldn't do until you've been put in the situation, and what works for me, might not work for you.

The 31 Days thing is on hold...*this is long and not nice*

For about a day, maybe...because I'm pissed...and here is why....

Because of my stupidity, I let my license expire, I admit, I knew full and well that my birthday was coming up and that my license was going to expire on said day, and that we would not be in town, so I thought about going and taking care of it. However, time got away from me. I have no idea how, but next thing I knew it was time to go to Maui, and no time to renew, so I have an expired license. And in the state of Hawaii if you have an out of state expired license you must take and pass the written exam and get a permit and then take the driving test to get a license. Well, there is really only 1 way to get a permit, you go to the office and stand in line, they open at 7:45am, and if you get there early enough you don't have to wait too long. And if you also get there early enough, if you pass the permit test, you can then get BACK in line and wait to see if you can even get a spot for the day to take the driving test....so....here is how today went....

6am - woke up, preheated the oven to make muffins for my wonderful friend who was going to take me and stay with me
6:15am - had muffins in the oven and was fixing my hair and dressing
7:15am - we were in line waiting for the doors to open...
7:45am - doors open, lines starts moving...
8:15ish am - I get to go in and try to get my permit, but they tell me that I have to get back in line to get my license, even though my license has only been expired for 1 month, when most places have a "grace period" (for lack of a better term) and I go off on them, walk out with out taking it
8:25am - I apologize to the them and pay for the permit test, take it and while I do that, my wonderful friend waits in line FOR me so I don't have to go to the end of the line....
9:00am - by the time all that is done it's already 9am, and we wait in line 30 min before it starts to move, and then finally it starts moving...
10:15am - got an appointment for 2pm....
between 10:30am and 1:30pm we hang out
1:30pm - get back to the DMV to wait to be called...
2pm - called to take the test....
2:20pm - crazy lady tells me I scored 40 points on a test I need 15 points on....apparently in the state of Hawaii you pull out into the intersection to make a left turn on green (when no arrow) and try to get yourself hit...I'm sorry, but I was scared to DEATH that I was going to kill the woman, so why the HELL would I pull out into an intersection in a bad part of town....WTF is wrong with these people.....I admit, some of the mistakes I made I know I made, like forgetting to look over my shoulder, yea, I knew I messed up, after I did it, I was like, SHIT (in my head), but come on...the roads are so bad there, and things aren't marked well, so how the hell am I to see the damn bike lane if it isn't clearly marked? And the STOP line in the parking lot at the DMV is so worn down I wouldn't have stopped if she hadn't of told me it was a stop line...and apparently, if the NOSE of your bumper is ON the stop line, you've CROSSED it, I wasn't aware that was a CRIME...my tires were behind it, the crazy lady LEANED out my window to look...this is one reason I do not like Hawaii, they hate white people....my friend brought up a good point, that her husband pointed out, because they don't like military, but he said that if it weren't for the military then there would be no island, so they should be thanking us! And I'd have to agree....so take that you stupid Hawaiians...
2:25pm - on the phone cussing at the husband, because really, what else are they good for ;) (totally kidding)
2:30pm - a guy who gives the test comes up to my car and asks if I've taken the test, I say yes, I failed, he then asks me what I'm doing (I have my phone to my ear that he can see) and I tell him I'm on the phone because it's ILLEGAL to talk on the phone in HAWAII WHILE YOU DRIVE, what the hell do you think I'm doing, I mean really.....
2:40pm - I call my husband back because NOW my phone won't charge, it started that last night, and I didn't think much of it, but when I plugged it into the car charger it didn't want to charge, unless the charger is in the hole JUST right....since when did my phone turn into a female?!?!

But on the bright side of all this, I have a permit for Hawaii, and all I have to do next time is go stand in line at 7am and HOPE I'm one of the first to get a driving test, and NOT be with the same lady and I'll pass, oh and I'll be sure to STOP in the middle of an intersection when  making a right turn, I mean, why not put the life of the person who can say whether I pass or fail in danger?!?!

Busy Bee Me

Man, since we got back from Maui I have been so busy. Seriously, I feel like I've not stopped...and I'm sure it will just keep going.

As ya'll know, I sprained my ankle in Maui, and so I had to go to the Quick Care to get it looked at, which they wanted to send me to an ortho, and so I had to go there, then I had to go to the dentist, and then go back to have a cavaity filled, and I had to have a phone session with my therapist since I can't drive, and I had group therapy the week before last, and an FRG meeting, and tomorrow another doctor's appt., and some where I have to go get my license, which might be a 2 trip thing if I can't get the driving test the same day I take the written test, which is just CRAP to me since I have a license, it's just expired, but whatever, I'll pass both...

So, I'm thinking about changing therapist, well, she's really my psych, but whatever...she's dropped the ball a few times, and I just think it's best to go elsewhere. I hate to change, especially since I've been with her since Jan/Feb...but like I said, she's dropped the ball...I'm going to tell her tomorrow if/when she calls for our phone session. Last week she forgot to call for our phone session, so I called the office, and she called back, at that point in time, I was willing to give her another chance, but she forgot to put in a medication for me, and she said she would...this is not the first time she has messed up a medication or prescription...I should have told her to put it in when she changed the dosage before we left for Maui, but I thought I'd have enough to get me through Maui and my next appt, and when I didn't, I told her, and she said she would, and since I can't drive, due to the whole no license thing, I asked a friend to take me by the pharmacy, only to be told that it wasn't in...and they could not get a hold of anyone at the office. Another thing that I want to achieve in changing is the whole group therapy aspect of my therapy plan. The week before last a member of the group got upset and threw a chair into a stack of other chairs, nobody was hurt, but I honestly did not feel safe at the time it happened, nor did I want to go back. (this is all I can say about it, since it did happen in a group therapy setting, and privacy and all that jazz) So that is really the main reason I called my psych last week, was to talk about what happened, and to set up an appt, since she had not called me to set one up...and we talked about it and she said she'd talk to the group leader, and would let me know. She talked to him, and he told her he was working on it, and she asked him to call me. He called me Monday to tell me he had a plan to insure our safety, but when I asked what he was planning to do he would not tell me, nor would he tell me if this person would be there, so I told him that if that person was there, then I would leave, but that I would try it. Well, I ended up not going because I just didn't feel like, and the hubby didn't get home in time, and we had a FRG meeting that night anyways. I haven't heard from anyone about group, and I'm thinking I'm going to go next week, but we'll see. I talked to a friend about it, and they suggested doing 5 minutes at a time, and if the person got angry to leave, so I think that is a logical way to deal with it, and might help with the anxiety of going. But to be honest, I just wasn't that impressed with the leaders attitude about it, nor did I like that he didn't explain what he was going to do to insure our safety, which next to trust is very important...don't you think?

My ankle is doing so much better, it still hurts when I move it funny or sit on it...I'm known to sit Indian Style or whatever, so I can't do that with my ankle yet, but it's definietly easier to walk on. The ortho doctor said it would heal on it's own, but that if I wanted to go to physical therapy I certainly could, and he even put in a consult, but since I can't drive yet, I've put it off, I can't ask the hubby to take me, and I'm not going to ask a friend to drive to the hospital for that, it's just too far....so if I can get in to get my license soon I'm going to call and make an appt, I have a couple more weeks, the consult will be null 30 days after it's put in the computer.

I can't really think of whatelse I was going to bring up, but I'm sure I'll think of something later, I've got my 5 Question Friday all ready to go once Mama M. puts up the linky post tomorrow, I feel so outta the loop with 5QF since I haven't done it in weeks...oh well....

Group Therapy

My psych wants me to start going to group therapy, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Grouped help when I got out of Valley, but I felt like I had to go, that I wouldn't have been released if I didn't agree to go.

I'm going to go, give it the ole college try.

I'll write a post either tonight or tomorrow about how it went. Probably tomorrow because I'm going to my psych tomorrow too. So I'll probably just lump that post together.

I'm nervous and my anxiety is super high. Thank goodness for my anxiety medicine.

Don't Know How to Bring it Up

Lately I have been so BLAH...some things are on my mind, that I don't know who to talk to about them. I'm afraid to mention it to anyone, I might bring it up tomorrow at my psych. but it's just so confusing, and I don't know if it would help or hinder.

I wish I could go into detail about what it is, but I'm just not ready. I also haven't had much to talk about lately. And I've gotten so behind on blogs, and and SIF's community that I feel so weird going back into there, but I think I need it. I think I might be able to talk to them about what is bothering me.

I think part of it is that I'm ashamed of how I got myself in the situation of having to choose between adoption and parenting that I just don't want to put it all out there because I don't want people to think ill of me. I am so scared of what people say about me behind my back, good or bad, I just hate to think people do talk about me. And I hate being in situations that make me vulnerable. I love hanging out with the people I've met here so far, but I am so scared of what they think of me, and what they'll think of me when they hear about my past. WHICH is silly because all the ones who know about my past have been nothing but NICE and LOVING and UNDERSTANDING. It all goes back to the tug of war my rational brain and irrational brain! Which is for a whole different blog post...

WOW

I merely reposted the Adoption Awareness graphics so that the few new readers who have been touched by adoption could see them and snag them. I never imagined it would generate new readers or commenter's. I am in AWE! As I said on Twitter the other day "Is in awe of all the love I've gotten from reposting the adoption awareness graphics. I didn't expect that. Or do it for the attention. Thnx" I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. Wow, I really needed it. I have been having a very rough few days. And I'll get into them, after I post this picture of how I am thinking about getting my hair cut on Friday, it might be a little longer and definitely won't be blonde, hahaha


Ok, now back to how I've been feeling lately. I think that since it has been 4 months since I got an update that I am just feeling SO upset and unsure about things. I don't have a recent photo of him, I don't even have a picture from his first birthday because they sent my 1 year update before his birthday. I just don't know how I feel about it. I should be getting one in 2 months. Now that he's 1 it'll be every 6 months. And when he turns 4 it'll be yearly. I'm trying not to be picky, or selfish, and I'm so grateful that they do provide updates, but I would love more frequent ones, at least until he's a little older. The first few years they change so much, and he was so behind in things because of his illness. Like when I got my 1 year update, he hadn't started walking yet, and he was just Army crawling. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much, and I know it was my decision to give him a better life, but a part of me just misses him more than anything. I think all these feelings are normal, and I'm sure they are. But they still hurt and stink.

Apparently some people where afraid I would try to get him back once Steven and I married. Well, they're just stupid, that is not even possible. Even if we had all the money in the world, no judge would ever take a child from the home they've known for so long. Unless there was something going on inside that home, that was deemed unfit for a child. But he is in a loving and caring, stable environment. I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about what could be if I had met Steven sooner, or that it would be nice to raise my son with him. BUT that is not possible, and it definitely isn't in the best interest of my son. I don't regret my decision, and I don't wish I could change it. And for people to think that and not bring those fears to me is just stupid. And they should just leave well enough alone. I was really pissed off when I heard that. And I have no idea who all said it. But they are in no position to judge or tell me how to live or what to do. I hope they read this and realize how retarded they were for even thinking something like that. I hope they read this and see how much pain that caused me, and realize the stupidity of it. I mean, seriously. Someone I talked to about it, said they probably thought that because I refer to him as "my son" well, I'm here to tell you that no matter what I call him, they would probably still think that. And no matter what I call him it won't change the fact that he is MY SON, I carried him for 9 months, he is HALF me...just because I'm not parenting doesn't mean he is less my son or isn't my son. And just because I refer to him as my son doesn't mean that I'm not moving on or I'm living in the past. I think I've come a long way in the past 16 months.

I don't feel like I should justify things, or explain myself, but I do. And I don't like that feeling. I don't like feeling like I owe people an explanation, I don't feel like they deserve one. I don't know them well enough to think I need to explain things to them. I certainly wouldn't expect the same from them, if the roles were reversed. I realize that my situation is kind of scary for some people, and that people walk on egg shells around me, with things they say or do. But I think they should stop. If you feel the need to talk about me behind my back, then you should be able to say it to my face. I've always hated confrontation, but finding things out just hurts all the more, and makes me hate to be in group settings, or have friends, because I'm always worried they're talking about me when I'm not there. And crap like that just feeds on that fear. Makes it more real. I'm flattered that they think about me all the time, but at the same time, it's like, move on with your life. Your life isn't perfect, far from it. So concentrate on yourself, and I'll concentrate on me. KTHNXBYE....

There are so many people around here pregnant, especially in our Battalion, because they just got back from Iraq at the end of last year, so all deployment babies. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset seeing all the pregnant ladies and new borns. I am extremely happy for everyone who is expecting, don't take my being upset as unhappy for them, because I am super happy for them, but I just have baby fever pretty bad. My uterus tugs, and pulls and I just get this urge to have a baby. But we are waiting. I keep telling people, we rushed everything else, this is one thing where we can take our time! I mean, we've only been married 6 months this month, and have known each other 1 year, so we need time. Time to enjoy one another, and find our groove. I'm in no way prepared for a child, and I'm in way ready to get pregnant, but when you are surrounded by several pregnant woman, it's hard not to want to have one! Ha!

Ok, well, this is long enough, let me know what ya'll think about the hair cut, and I'll post pictures when I get it done! Again, I appreciate all the link love ya'll gave me from the repost I did, it meant the world to me!!

Irritable

I have been so stinking irritable for the last couple of days. The hubs asked yesterday if I was about start my period. I just go off at the drop of a hat, and I can't figure out why. I shouldn't start my period for another week. Since I'm on the patch, I can pretty much tell you when I'll start and when I'm not suppose to. Since you change it every Sunday (or whenever you want) and the week you don't wear one you're suppose to be on your period. Well, this is the last patch for the month. I changed it this morning. So I shouldn't start for a week. But I think I might just have PMS really bad for a week before I start. I've always been this way. Irritable around that time. And for the most part I can control it. But lately, I just can't. And every little thing is getting me mad. I hate feeling like this. But I just can't seem to get it under control.

I also have been having a hard time concentrating on things I enjoy. Like the community I joined. I find myself just half interested in it. I might just take a break from it, and come back in a day or two. I think some of it stems from the fact that I just feel so behind when I miss stuff for a day or so. Like yesterday, I didn't get a chance to check it until late yesterday (mostly by the time everyone else was gone) and I just felt overwhelmed with all I missed. I'm working on this and trying to figure it out.

My psych thinks that when I feel overwhelmed it is because I just don't want to do something. And that might be true on some things. But I want to chat on the community, I want to blog, I want to design stuff on Photo shop. But maybe I don't want to clean the house, or pick up trash, but I need to. And I know I should. Some times I do use being overwhelmed as an excuse. But for the most part. I don't know where to start with cleaning, and I don't know how to do it. I've gotten a lot of good advice, and I have been trying to get motivated to try it. I just can't. I don't know why. But I can't. We did get the bathroom cleaned, I just have to do the shower. Which I will later, because I'm about to go to another baby shower.

I haven't been sleeping well either. Last night I think since I had been out in the sun most the day I was just so tired that it didn't take long for my night time meds to work, but I just don't feel refreshed, or renewed now. I feel so tired. And I've felt like that for a few days now. I got super shaky and dizzy the other day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I ate and drank a coke, thinking that might help. And it did for a bit, but then I just felt that way again. And yesterday after we had been at the first baby shower, which was at the beach, it was so pretty. I just was so tired, I didn't want to do anything. We had stuff to do, and the hubs wanted me to drive, but I told him there was no way I could drive, I was just too tired. And he wanted to take forever in the store we went to, and I just wanted to go home.

Anyways, gonna get going, going to a baby shower! It won't be the last, we have so many pregnant ladies in my hubs battalion since they just got back from Iraq! I think there are only a select few of ladies who aren't pregnant within the battalion, and we are one of them, and we are hoping to stay that way for a while. We want to be more financially stable before we go and have a kid. And I want to have a routine down for the house, and keeping it clean, and what not. But we do want children, so bad. There was a 9 month old little girl at the baby shower yesterday, and watching the hubs hold her made me want one so bad, and I was like, are you sure you don't want one now, and he was like, yes...but he just looked SO good holding one. But we will wait. And when we do have kids, it'll be great!

"My son" vs. "the baby"

So last week I was talking with a lady who I admire and look up to. Not only as a wife but as a Christian and mother. So when this topic was brought up I listened and took it into consideration. I even prayed about it and talked to a close friend about it. And also remember I'm human and might have misunderstood what she was trying to say and it happened over a week ago so its a bit foggy.
The lady, we will call her Q because well 'Q' is a left out letter I think (along with 'X' and 'Z' but I'm getting off topic, ha). Ok so Q said that calling my son just that, 'my son' I was not distancing myself enough away from the situation and that in order to move on I should use some generic term like 'the baby' or whatever. Now before you go saying what does she know or how does she figure, believe me when I say she knows. And for privacy reasons and what have you I can't divulged that info. So here we go, she also said to think about it and not stop just because she said to. I am a logical person and realize different people cope in different ways. And she reminded me of that because she mentioned that what works for one won't work for others. Which is totally true. I mean, really. I honestly can sit(lay) here and tell you I have been thinking and praying over this issue since last Tuesday. And I think I'm finally able to publicly say that no matter what I call my son he will always be just that, my son.
His last name might be different and I might not be there for every little thing but he is half me. He carries on my mom and dads genetics. Not his adoptive parents genetics. Mine. And I don't think changing what I call him will make my life any different. He is who he is. Just like I am who I am. (popeye just popped in my head 'I yams what I yams' ha) ok so now that it is almost 2 hours since we laid down and the hubs is sound asleep on my shoulder while I write this on my phone, I think its ok for me to go to sleep. It feels good to not be fighting this alone...I guess, or whatever. I'm super sleepy now and making no sense. So its my cue to stop this post right now. So good night or good morning.
Amanda
(I'm praying this works since I'm emailing it to blogger from my phone, eeep)

WOW, 2 months, and a bad day

WOW is all I can really say to all the wonderful comments. They mean a lot and are a great encouragement, especially on a bad day. Thank you Emily, Roni, Heather, Maris, and Coco through Roni!!!!!

Everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong this morning and afternoon, but now I think things are ok. I got lost on the way back to a friend's house this morning, then I had to go to the bank to put a check in there so I could get gas, but the bank wasn't open yet, so I had to wait for my dad to bring me money because I was below empty. Luckily he doesn't work far from where I was and the gas station was just across the street from the bank. THEN I got to work and find out they closed schools early because of "severe weather" - which it is now sunny outside. We had a storm, but it lasted all of 30 minutes. Go figure, but I guess if they had not have closed schools early then the storm would have been much worse, but what gets me is that nobody called me. Nobody said, hey don't worry about driving 20 minutes to get to work just to turn around and drive 20 more minutes. What a waste of gas - ugh....I think all these little things got to me because yesterday was the 2 month birthday of the baby and I had a good day yesterday, so maybe my sub-conscience is trying to get me. The people at the outpatient want me to go back into inpatient, but I don't want to and I think I'll be ok. We'll see, I told them I wouldn't hurt myself, that I'd get help if I needed it and that I wanted to give it a few more days of work before I took such a serious step, again. I don't want to be a "repeat offender" but if I have to then I have to, but I don't think I have to or need too.

So, today 2 months ago I got to spend about an hour with my son and he went home from the hospital without me. It's kind of bittersweet, but more bitter than sweet. I miss him and can remember every moment of the time I had with him like it happened yesterday. I also can remember what I didn't do and what I wanted to do and what I wish I had done. I know those things are stupid to do and think, but I think them anyways. I'm going to run out and get a journal - another one. I'm going to journal to myself as well as the baby. I started the journal to the baby right before Christmas. My therapist and psychiatrist thought it would help. And it does. I've also had people tell me to journal to myself. Which is kind of what this is. Wow this is long, I'm sorry - Thanks again to the wonderful ladies who left me comments on my last one!!!

~Mandi

bad day

I wanna be dead. I wanna just go away. I wanna just go to bed and never wake up again. This hurts sooooooooo bad.

I had been doing so well. I even checked myself into the local psych. hospital. Changed my meds up, got rid of suicidal thoughts, and now they're back. Just know that I wouldn't act out on them, and at this moment I haven't thought about how I would do it, but I have before, and those little thoughts keep coming to the surface. I think it might be because next week the baby will be 2 months old...I can't think of why I'm so upset and sad right now. I've had some real great days lately. I want to be better. I want to the pain to end, but it seems like no matter what I do it doesn't go away or end.

Why I'm Here

My BFF Emily suggested I start a blogspot to write my feelings down in. I just recently placed a son up for adoption. I'm not here to get attention and I'm not here to say I was wronged or I was completely innocent, because Lord knows I'm not. I'm here to share my story with others. In hopes that it will touch someone's life and help them make the right decision for their children, whether it is adoption or raising the child. I want to be someone who others can come to and say, hey I need help. And I want to say to them, hey I'm here for you.