Saturday, February 7, 2009

bad day

I wanna be dead. I wanna just go away. I wanna just go to bed and never wake up again. This hurts sooooooooo bad.

I had been doing so well. I even checked myself into the local psych. hospital. Changed my meds up, got rid of suicidal thoughts, and now they're back. Just know that I wouldn't act out on them, and at this moment I haven't thought about how I would do it, but I have before, and those little thoughts keep coming to the surface. I think it might be because next week the baby will be 2 months old...I can't think of why I'm so upset and sad right now. I've had some real great days lately. I want to be better. I want to the pain to end, but it seems like no matter what I do it doesn't go away or end.


Emily Grace :) said...

it will get better. i promise. i had those thought before for years. they would come and go so don't worry it does get better. Hang in there and call me if you need to vent or just cry!

Mandi said...

Thank you, I love you.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. I wish there were something I could do to take it away.
I think starting a blog was a great idea. I started one to help me through a tuff situation, similar to yours. I learnt, and grew from it. I found many internet friends that helped me through the tuff times. Sometimes I felt they were the only ones that understood me.
I've invited them to your blog. (Hope you don't mind.) Many of them I'm sure will give you there heartfelt support through this very hard time in your life.
((HUGS MANDI)) My thoughts will be with you and I pray all is well.

Unknown said...

(Hi, I'm an adoptive mom who found you via Roni.)

I am so very sorry. I wish there were something I could say to make it better. For what it's worth, it makes sense to me that you're upset and sad--you miss your baby.

Do you have friends and family who can be with you right now? I will be praying for you, that you are surrounded by support and comfort as you grieve.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mandi. I know that we don't know each other but I am here from Roni's blog. I too am an adoptive mother but have a HUGE heart for you and so many other women who are feeling this pain that you are in right now. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I will be praying so much for you. I hope that this blog becomes a great outlet for you to heal, talk through things and let us encourage you through your good days and your bad. Please know that you are loved and that you don't have to go through this alone.

Anonymous said...

Roni again! :)
I was asked by Coco to send you her way. She has tried to comment but it didn't work for her.
Please go and visit her blog at
She relinguished her daughter about 16 years ago. She has written many great post on her experience. She's a great writter and I'm sure you will enjoy reading what she has to say.
I love Coco! She's a great person with a huge heart!