Friday, April 23, 2010

"How to" part 2

There are about 15 that I've come up with, so I'm doing them 5 at a time, so there is one more post after this, I appreciate all the comments and I am glad that I have helped some realize the errors of their ways! I honestly thought I was going to stop at 12 or 13, but I was able to think of a few more. So thanks for taking the time to read and comment!!!

6. Some people told me that I was a bad mother for even thinking about adoption. I’m here to tell you, that I am a great mother, who put her child’s needs before her own. I’m a great mother because I realized that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own, and that I couldn’t give him what he needed more than anything, a stable environment with a mother and a father. No matter how much I wanted to keep him, no matter how hard I tried, I could not give him what he so desperately deserves, a father.

7. Some people told me that legally the father has to pay, and that legally the father has to do this and that. YES, a father SHOULD pay and be a part of a child’s life. But I didn’t feel like battling a man who refused to believe this child was his, who refused to take the consequences of his actions. I’ve seen way too many people suffering and trying to get their dead beat baby daddy’s to pay child support, or spend time with their children. And I didn’t feel that was fair to put my son in that situation. I grew up in a broken home. I know the toll it had on me, and I could not imagine putting a child through that. The birth father stopped talking to me after I told him I was pregnant, and I only held onto his phone number so I would be able to get a hold of him if I needed him to sign papers. (And before someone jumps on me about that statement, I told him what I was planning on doing, and gave him PLENTY of chances to talk to me about this, so it’s not like I didn’t give him a choice, because I did….) And I did need him to sign the papers, and even when he met the lawyer to sign the papers giving up his rights (but didn’t say whether he was the father or not) he told him that it wasn’t his kid. And the lawyer said “probably not, but I still need your signature.” When the lawyer told me that, I laughed. Of course he wasn’t the father, because of course, since I slept with someone who wasn’t my boyfriend or my husband that must make me a slut, and that must mean this child could have 15 different fathers. Hello, this isn’t Maury. And I knew who the father was, I may have gotten myself in a bad situation, but I was not sleeping with multiple men. And I don’t need people asking me if I’m sure he’s the father, or he can’t be the father. Because I know who I slept with, and when I slept with them, and when I got pregnant.

8. I have never been asked, but I know some have been asked if they received any payment. I did get asked if they helped with my medical expenses. They did not. I know that in some situations adoptive parents will pay for the medical expenses of the birth mother, my adoptive parents did not. However, it is illegal for adoptive parents to outright give money to the birth parents. They can pay medical expenses, and I encourage you to ask for the help, I however, did not. Since I knew the adoptive parents fairly well, I didn’t feel right asking for them to pay for my medical bills. They did pay for the adoption counselor; however, the lady I decided to go with was NOT helpful. (I can touch on that later) I was brought up to never ask how much something cost, or how much someone gets paid. It is just rude. Just like you wouldn’t ask an adoptive parent how much their adoption cost, you should not ask a birth parent how much they received. Chances are they only received enough for medical expenses, if anything at all. I know some agencies will help birth parents with the medical costs. We went with a private attorney and therefore I was unable to receive any assistance from an agency. Some people when they ask about the medical expenses say things like, well, they should because they would more than likely have those same medical costs if they were pregnant themselves. Which may be true, however, I was very sick and in and out of the hospital, so I racked up quite a bit of medical costs, and all pregnancies are different, so who’s to say they would have had the same expenses as I did. There is no telling.

9. The most annoying one I got was people would thank me for choosing life. That is so annoying. I really have no words to argue that one though. I heard it every time someone heard my story, or heard what I was doing. It’s like, if you knew me AT ALL, then you would know that abortion was NOT an option for me. Even though I got pregnant out of wedlock doesn’t mean I am not a Christian and believe that a child is a child at conception, and that abortion is the killing of babies. Because guess what, I’m a Christian, I just strayed and made a mistake. But my son didn’t have to suffer because of my wrong doings. I am not in any way attacking anyone who has had an abortion at one time or another; I am merely stating what I believe. And why I didn’t go that path.

10. Nobody knows what the future holds, except God, so this next one is just DUMB. “You can always have more children later.” Well, possibly. But like I said, you’re not God. And only God knows the plans He has for me. Thanks for the vote of confidence though, I mean, I guess. That is just, ugh. That’s all I can think when this one comes to mind. Its like, are you trying to make me feel better, because you suck at it. First of all, how do you know that I will want children later, or that I will even be able to get pregnant again? There are several cases where birth mothers find themselves suffering from secondary infertility. So telling someone they will have a baby later could possibly hurt them later on in life, when they in fact cannot have another child. Again, it all boils down to thinking before you speak.



April said...

I hate when people say #10 to anyone who has lost a child. I wrote about a similar comment to a friend of mine in my miscarriage post.

When you are done with your what not to say post, it would be nice for you to share with us a list of what people SHOULD say to birthmothers.

Also, I've noticed that at times you call your child's adoptive parents "my adoptive parents." Some birthmothers find it offensive for adoptive parents to call their child's birthmother "my birthmother." What's your take on this?

Unknown said...

Thanks, Mandy. This is so important to know.