The inner workings of my mind...

I find it really hard to write when things are going well for me. The last few weeks have just been good for me. Nothing special about them, just good weeks. And I'm so grateful for them.

I think I did this growing up too, I started a journal when things weren't so great, and would write in it all the time, but then, once I was feeling better, or things were going well, I'd stop. I've done that now, with the journal I started for my son. The 1st year after he was born I wrote almost every day, I filled a WHOLE journal before his 1st birthday, but now that I've gotten a second one, I haven't written much in his 2nd year of life. I feel bad, I feel guilty when I don't write to him. And I know I should write to him NOW when I'm doing well, so he can see that side of me, but it is SO hard to just sit down and write. I did write the other night. And it felt good. But I have found myself doing the same thing with my blog. I need to sit down and write down some topics I want to write about, some things that I want to discuss. I started this blog for myself, as an outlet, and then I decided to take it in a whole different direction as a tool for other's to go to for help. I want to help people with it, but I can't help people if I don't write. But I can't seem to find the motivation to write when I'm doing well.

And I'm SO thankful to be doing better, and to have been doing better for more than a week. I hope it stays, but the reality of it is that it probably won't. It never stays long. So I feel like writing in my blog or journal is going to take away from the time I have to enjoy this period of time where I am happy. Which really is stupid.

And this is pretty much what goes on inside my head on a daily basis...it's a constant dialog of gosh I hope I'm happy tomorrow; geez what's causing this; what might cause me to be unhappy; when will this end; if I take the time to write in a journal or blog I might take away from my happy time; and so on and so on....

Anyways, I know I've said it before, and I'll probably say it a lot more, but I am going to try to do better at blogging, I am going to write down some ideas, and go from there. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to comment....

Journal

The adoptive parents gave me a basket of things at the hospital. One of those things was a journal. Maybe tomorrow I'll take pictures of the basket and journal and post them on here! It was truly a great gift!

So, I started a journal shortly after my son was born. I had been toying with this idea for a while, I've kept a journal off and on throughout my teenage years and in college. Before they gave me the journal I had thought about writing about my experience to my son.

I'm a pretty stubborn person, I came to realize that while pregnant - my old therapist told me that I was, and after looking back at how I handled certain things in my life, I had an epiphany - I AM STUBBORN.

I knew the adoption was going to be hard. I had expected that. I mean, who expects that handing over your only child would be a piece of cheesecake?(I've been reading a lot of The Pioneer Woman today!) I mean really - people are just DUMB if they think this is an easy way out. (That is another topic for another day mind you) Well, my stubborn self decided I didn't need to write to get through this, and that I didn't need to talk about my feelings.

BOY was I wrong, seeing as I ended up at Valley in January. (The local mental health hospital)

You see, half way through my pregnancy my therapist took a new job, and left me for a job that allowed her to work from home. Well she did set me up with my therapist now, and this is where my point comes in.(if I even have a point...) Up to a certain point, I can't really remember when, I never left her office with a dry eye. It was so foreign to me to cry in therapy. I hardly ever cried with my other therapist. I was almost ready to quit seeing this therapist because I didn't want to cry any more. HUGE MISTAKE! Glad I didn't make that one! She suggested I start a journal, so I told her about my idea about writing to him. And she thought it was a wonderful idea. I had heard about that idea a few years back. It's always easier to write to someone than just to write to nobody.

Well last night I wrote in my journal for the first time in over a month. I hadn't been doing a very good job at keeping it up. (big shocker there, huh) And I had been wanting to write in it on every 10th of the month, seeing as he was born on Dec. 10. Well this month I forgot, well I thought about it, but just neglected to for no other reason than I didn't know what to say. Not only was it his 7 month birthday but it was my 24th birthday. The last few entries in the journal I seem to be repeating myself. Telling him how sorry I am I haven't kept it up, and how I'll do better. And I really let that get to me last night because I was like, WOAH, those are empty promises and if he sees them as those then how are we going to have a positive reunion. We wouldn't.

Anyways, I'll get to what I was trying to tell you about now since this is clearly LONG enough. I decided (and told him in my entry last night) that I would no longer just write willy-nilly. I would however, choose ONE (or 2) things to write about and then close. So I haven't started yet, but I think I might start tonight, erm this morning. (3am much)

If you got to this point in the entry, thanks for reading. Sorry I was so long winded tonight.