Deployment número uno

My husband left a few days ago. He'll be gone a while, 12 months. I haven't really written about it much on here since this is mainly my adoption blog, but I figured I'd owe ya'll an explaination as to why I've not posted in a really long time.

So, back in March we went to the mainland, we were there for 2 weeks, and I really didn't have a computer to update one when I was there. We had a good trip. It was so stressful though. I'm glad to be back home. We spent time in Atlanta, Dahlonega, and Chattanooga. We saw everyone we could, and spent as much time with them as we could. It was hard to fit everything in but I think we did a pretty good job. I am not looking forward to another trip like that though, if I'm being honest. I told people I'd be back while the husband is deployed, but quite honestly, I don't know if I want to. I'm happy in Hawaii, and I'm comfortable here. Plus, flying to the mainland is SO expensive.

I'm doing a lot better with this than I thought I would, I have only really cried when he was getting on the bus, and other than that, I've been fine. That may make me sound like a heartless bitch, or that I don't care about him, but I do care, and I am not heartless, I just know that there is no use in crying for him when he isn't going to be able to do anything for you. I've gotten emails almost every day, and he's called a few times. It's hard though, because the internet where ever he is sucks, and there is a delay. We mostly email and skype IM. I've been keeping somewhat busy. I've been sick, so that makes it hard to stay super busy. I just mostly want to lay in bed and watch tv. And I don't know if it's because of the deployment or the illness. It could be both.

I've been missing my son lately too. It has been almost 5 months since I got an update, and I'm hoping I get one soon. It's suppose to be every 6 months, so I'm hoping for May. I know every time around the time I'm suppose to get an update I get upset, and think they won't send one, but I think that's just a fear all birth parents in semi-open adoption have. It's natural, if you think about it. Especially if it's been a while, I know for me, it's kind of like, did they forget about me, do they know it's time, I just hate the not knowing. And I hate not having control. I also hate the fact that they didn't acknowledge the package I sent them. A simple thank you note would be nice, or a little note saying they got it. I don't think they need to thank me for it. But just let me know you got it. Let me know you liked it, or let me know if he enjoyed the book I sent. I got the book for free, and I want to know that they use it, that they read it to him, and that I didn't win the book for nothing, that it could have gone to someone else, who would have used it. I guess I may never know, but I hope they at least tell me in the next update.

Day 8 of the challenge

Day 8 — Write a letter to: Your favorite internet friend
This is hands down, without a doubt, my favorite person in the world, not just internet friend, but real life best friend in the whole wide world, even though we've never met in person, MEL!!!


Dear BESTIE: (even though when Amy Farrah Fowler says it and it annoys the crap out of us, we're still BESTIES)
Thank you so much for all you've done for me over the years, I'm not so sure how long that is, as my memory is not good at all!! I do know that we've helped each other out through some difficult times, and although we hit a rough spot when I was pregnant, you still stood by me. And I thank you for that. I'm so glad we got through that, and are able to move forward. You are a remarkable woman, mother and friend! I love you and the bubbas like family, and I one day hope to wrap my arms around them! One day we will! 
I know you'll go far in life, you have come so far, and I'm so proud of you. I hope things work out with you and Dodger, I think he's a much better man for you than that jerk of a baby daddy. You're like a sister to me, and I love your kids like I will one day love my brother and sister's kids. I wish you all the best, and I hope to spend many more years being your friend! You are truly my best friend!

Tell me: A song that you know all the words to
(haha how funny, I used this song once before, but I do, I proved that the other night at a BBQ when we sang it on Karaoke!)





I want to know: The style you had 10 years ago.
Well, 10 years ago I had just started high school, and we had a dress code, so I had to wear khaki's and polo's, and I had just started wearing blue jeans a few years before that, up until maybe 5th grade I refused to wear denim. So at school, I would wear a polo shirt I got at either target, polo, walmart, I had a few from A&F, but most of the stuff came from cheaper stores. I bought khaki's at whatever store had them the cheapest, and I really wasn't that great looking. After school and weekends, I think I wore jeans and t-shirts mostly, I honestly don't remember. I just remember the dress code and what we had to wear at school. 

Show me A song to match your mood.

Day 7 of the challenge

Day 7 — Write a letter to: Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush


Dear "sperm donor" - I haven't heard from you in 2 years, you sent what seemed to me as a half-hearted response to my email about our son. I find it very hard to believe that you really did care, or wanted to help me. And the fact that you didn't believe me about the child being yours just shows what a complete and total jerk you really are. Do you really think I had anything to gain by lying to you about a child I wasn't keeping? And the fact that you felt as if there was nothing you could offer me at the time pisses me off, you didn't give any support to me during the pregnancy, birth or placement. I don't mean monetary, I mean emotional. I never asked for money, I didn't even ask for emotional support. But a good man would have offered some, instead of pushing me aside, and telling me lies. Apparently you have a higher sperm count than you thought, and your poor gay friend was out a child, but here our 5 woman with a child that we didn't plan for.
You showed little disregard for me as a person, and only cared about covering your ass. Remember the email my friend sent to your then girlfriend, and the phone call you made to me, telling me to tell her it wasn't true. How low, I'm still so confused by that. Why wouldn't you have just come clean then. As much as I wanted to reach out to her and tell her it was true, I didn't. I'm not quite sure why I never told her, but I didn't. It wasn't for me to do, that was your mistake to tell her about. And I hope that it came back to bite you in your ass. 
And I don't doubt for a minute that there are other children, what I find hard to believe is that of the 4 other girls who claim to have had your child you didn't even know 2 of them. And hearing that you possibly have 4 other children around the same age as our son just solidifies my decision to have you sign over all rights and give him to another man who blows you out of the water. I couldn't have picked a better family for our son, and the fact that you will never know him is bittersweet. I hate that he'll never know what a truly awful human being you are, but I'm so glad he'll never know that as well. I don't plan on bad mouthing you to our son in the future, nor did I bad mouth you in the letter I wrote him before he was born that his parents have so he can read it. You might find that hard to believe, but I thought I'd let him make his own decisions about you. And who knows, years from his birth you might be a wonderful man, married and with children of your own. I hope that is the case, I hope you have seen the errors of your ways and I hope you one day find happiness. But I don't think you have yet.
I'm very happy with my life now, and I have a wonderful husband now, and he'll make a better father than  you will probably ever make. So thank you for being you, and giving me a  beautiful son.  

Tell me: A song that reminds you of a certain event


Our first dance at our reception - Boston's "Amanda" because my father told me that whoever I married had to learn this song by heart when he asked him if he could marry me. Lucky for Steven he didn't make him sing it, lol



I want to know: A photo that makes you happy.

this because it was the happiest day of my life, and it shows off my pretty flowers and shoes!

Tell me about Your dream wedding.

I thought I had my dream wedding all figured out, but my wedding with hubby was pretty good. It wasn't lavish or fancy, it was just family and very small. It's no secret that I would have wanted more, or done things somewhat differently, but I wouldn't change who I married, and I have decided that I no longer care how my wedding turned out, it's the marriage that matters. And I'm very happy with my husband and our life together. And that my friends, means more to me than any fancy wedding.  

Day 6 of the challenge..

Day 6 — Write a letter to: A stranger


To Everyone who has ever spoken ill of me and my decisions - because I can't think of a better way to express my disdain. I'm so tired of people thinking poorly of me because I have a son that I don't raise, that I did what I thought was best for him. And this is for those idiots who thought I only married my husband because I wanted to get my son back. Ya'll are all effing idiots. This is MY life and this is how I want to live it. Don't you think I've suffered enough from my mistakes, that I don't need ya'll going behind my back talking shit and saying things like that. First of all, ya'll are dumb and no nothing about adoptions. I can't change my mind. By the time I met my husband it was too late, by  the time we got married it was WAY too late. I only had 10 days to change my mind. Dec 11-21 2008, those were my dates to change my mind. After those 10 days there was no turning back. So way to show your stupidity.


For everyone who ever thought I was a bad person because of the adoption, think of it this way. I could have ended the pregnancy, terminated it, taken the life of an innocent child. Excuse me for having a few morals. Sure the way I got pregnant wasn't the best situation. I'm not proud of that, I don't regret it, but it was a mistake, one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. So, I don't need ya'll beating me up for my decisions because I already do that to myself. Enough for everyone, so I don't need ya'll to help me with that. 


I don't need to justify my actions to ANYONE, and I don't appreciate the way people put a bad stigma on adoption and birth parents. Enough already, this is the 21st century and things are a lot different now than they were a long time ago. It isn't as taboo as it was years ago, there might still be homes for unwed mothers, and people might still feel forced into adoption, but the majority of birth parents go into this freely and willingly.

Tell me: A song that reminds you of somewhere


This song reminds me of the Kappa Alpha house and all those Thursday night parties I went to when I was at Lambuth University! <3



I want to know: Your favorite music video.


This one was hard....right now though, and I don't watch music videos that much, but this one is a favorite right now



Show me A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet.

A Panda Bear

*image courtesy of swagbucks.com*

Day 5 of the challenge

Day 5 — Write a letter to: Your dreams
Dear dreams - I wish you would come true on your own, and would require little to no work from me. But that just isn't possible, now is it? Well, let's try to get something attainable, okay? Let's stop setting me up for failure, because I feel like you're trying to ruin my life...so if you could just stop, that'd be great! kthnxbye

Tell me: A song that reminds you of someone


"Dear God" Avenged Sevenfold - reminds of my hubby every time, and it's the ringtone that plays when he calls, and it's the ringback tone he hears...


I want to know: Your favorite quote.


"I’m gonna smile and make you think I’m happy, I’m gonna laugh, so you don’t see me cry, I’m gonna let you go in style, and if it kills me- I’m gonna SMILE :]"


I want to see A photo of yourself two years ago.

March 29, 2009
(almost exactly 2 years ago)