My name is Amanda, I'm a newlywed Army Wife. We recently moved to South Carolina from Hawaii. Before we met I had a son that I placed for adoption with friends who could not have any more children. We have a semi-open adoption. I hope to help other girls who have been in my situation get through it and make the best decision for her and her baby.
Some of the things are my husband, my best friend's little girl (who I call my niece), mix "tapes" from friends, scrapbooking, writing letters, children, E! TV! The beach, music, rainbows, family(not pictured), God, love, pretty skies, sleeping, disney movies, a bagel and coke in the morning, video chats with my husband(well, then boyfriend, ha), food, pretty things, and a whole bunch of other things!!
I can't wait to see what makes you happy! (Hop over to Kelly's Korner to join in the fun!)
Since today is our Friday, I figured I'd post this now, and besides, I think it's already Friday on the East Coast, ha!
Onto Five Question Friday, erm, Thursday, ha!
Rules for Five Question Friday: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then c'mon back to link up! If it floats your boat, you can even grab the blog hop code! I would love it if you'd link back to Mama M., but that's not a requirement! ;)
If you don't have a blog, but want to play along...feel free to answer the questions in the comments of my blog, or any blog along the way! And remember, the linky is always open til Sunday night...so any of you who are late to the game, can still play along! (Aren't I thoughtful?!!)
Questions for Friday, May 28th: (Special thanks to Lorilynne, Erin, Sandy, Kyrsten, and Renee for their question suggestions! If YOU wanna be linked in a future 5QF, c'mon over here, to my community and offer up your best question suggestions!)
1. Is there something you've always wanted to try but just can't muster up the courage to actually do yet?
I'd love to learn how to sew stuff, like bows, tutus, birth clothes, blankets, but I can't afford a sewing maching, and I think so many people are already making those things that I'd not make any money with it. But I do want to make my children stuff, so one day I hope to do it. 2. If you had $100 handed to you in cash without your significant other knowing about it, what would you spend it on?
Scrapbook stuff, letter writing stuff and pretty pens!!! and CHOCOLATE!!! 3. What was your favorite piece of playground equipment as a child?
Slides and Swings
4. Do you prefer a sweet or hearty breakfast?
Both?! Haha, depends on the mood, some days I like a bagel w/ cream cheese, or pop tarts, some days I like pancakes, some days muffins, some days cereal, some days eggs & bacon, oh and I love biscuits and gravy...
5. Are you a Neat Freak or a Messy Bessy?
I want to be a Neat Freak, but I'm a MESSY BESSY for sure!!!! I hate chores and house work, but I do it, and I don't really do a good job, but I get stuff done, I'm sure I could do better, and I try to do it better, but some days I just can't make myself do it.
Lately I have been so BLAH...some things are on my mind, that I don't know who to talk to about them. I'm afraid to mention it to anyone, I might bring it up tomorrow at my psych. but it's just so confusing, and I don't know if it would help or hinder.
I wish I could go into detail about what it is, but I'm just not ready. I also haven't had much to talk about lately. And I've gotten so behind on blogs, and and SIF's community that I feel so weird going back into there, but I think I need it. I think I might be able to talk to them about what is bothering me.
I think part of it is that I'm ashamed of how I got myself in the situation of having to choose between adoption and parenting that I just don't want to put it all out there because I don't want people to think ill of me. I am so scared of what people say about me behind my back, good or bad, I just hate to think people do talk about me. And I hate being in situations that make me vulnerable. I love hanging out with the people I've met here so far, but I am so scared of what they think of me, and what they'll think of me when they hear about my past. WHICH is silly because all the ones who know about my past have been nothing but NICE and LOVING and UNDERSTANDING. It all goes back to the tug of war my rational brain and irrational brain! Which is for a whole different blog post...
So I'm waiting for a friend to drop off her little boy for me to watch while they go on a dinner cruise, they're moving in a few weeks, so they want to go out and have a nice time and enjoy the island! They're taking the youngest since he's BF'd and a friend backed out for watching the oldest, so the LT and I are going to watch him. He's the best baby boy ever!! I'll have to tell you about him later, so I'm going to do 5QF for real quick!!!
Rules for Five Question Friday: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog, answer them, then c'mon back to link up (on Friday, of course!). If you'd like, the blog hop code is available for you to grab! I would be a very grateful mama, if you'd link back to me, Mama M.!
If you don't have a blog, but want to play along...feel free to answer the questions in the comments of this post, or any blog along the blog hop way!
Questions for Friday, May 21st: (Special thanks to Pam, Jill, Liz, Erin, and Lula Lola for their question suggestions! Wanna be linked in a future 5QF? Head over to my community and offer up your best question suggestions! We need some freshening up over there...so I'd LOVE to see some new questions!!)
1. Do you have an iPhone and, if so, how do you get apps and what are your favorites?
No, but I have a Blackberry and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! I never really wanted an iPhone, but I've heard lots of good things about it, and I like the LT's iPod Touch, so I'm sure I would love the iPhone, but I'll stick with my Blackberry, especially since Verizon doesn't have iPhones yet.
2. What is your fondest memory of K-3rd grade?
Uhm, well, I wrote about this on the post where I got the award, in elementary school, a boy called me a "shrimp" and I pushed him down on the playground. Another thing I remember is having to walk to school in K & 1st and at one point I started walking by myself because my mom and brother got sick. I would walk home with the neighbor girl, and one day we went way out of our way, and got in trouble, and she scared me so much about Jay Walking because she told me that the guy she liked got arrested for doing it. Ha!
3. What makes you cringe at the thought of touching?
Moldy stuff, slimy stuff, hahaha
4. If you could have any celebrity show up on your doorstep who would it be and why?
oh geez, probably Ellen because she might be bringing me boatloads of cash!!! hahaha
5. What would you say is your best physical feature?
Probably my eyes, it's the only thing I really like about myself, at the moment.
So obviously from my title, I was awarded this awesome award! Robin over at Lolidots picked me as one of her 7, so now I'm going to have to come up with my own 7, CRAP....
Apparently she thinks I'm Versatile and enjoys late night comment convos with me, which goes both ways, you know, seeing as I enjoyed them as well!! (We'll have to do it again some time, not tonight because I'm paper macheing, but soon!!!)
Rules? Yep, there are rules. Share 7 things and give it to 7 peeps.
SO, my 7 things, ick, this is gonna be hard....or maybe not....we'll see!
1. I'm kinda stealing this first one from Robin, because, well I can relate, it's a slightly different story, but on the same lines....when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade some boy called me a "shrimp" on the playground, so I pushed him down, and I got in trouble, not him!
2. Another elementary story - in 4th grade I called my someone a "bitch" and she told the teacher and we had to sit in the hallway while she got my mom's phone number, and I had to tell my mom what I did, the first thing she said was, OMG you know how to spell that, and I said "Yea, I just learned, she told me how" - because if you know me, then you know I am NOT a speller....
3. (because we're on the subject, I'll give ya'll this one) Apparently I was a holy terror because in 8th grade, same person from #2, I wrote a note to her, and apparently it was a death threat, and we ended up in the principles office....
4. Let's get away from my mean spiritedness, shall we....I am in the middle of making paper mache letters to go on our walls, I'm feeling like I'm in elementary school again, that must be why the first 3 were about my childhood, ha!
5. I have been pen pals for SEVERAL years with a girl I met online, whom I've never met in person, but I feel closer to her than I do some of my friends who I know in person.
6. While my husband was in class during his training I would sit in the hotel room and play Fallout 3 on XBOX all day, he would come home and I'd be playing, and at one point, I was even farther along than he was, and out leveled him!
7. I'm in LOVE with my new friends babies, and enjoy spending time with them, so much so, my husband thinks I have a problem....
Those are 7 pretty random, and useless facts, and some of them I can't even believe I'm posting, like the first 3, so I'm going to publish this before I change my mind, ha!
Rules for Five Question Friday: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then come on back to link up! Grab the Linky Blog Hop code, if that's your kinda thing...and I'd be your best friend if you'd link back to Mama M.!
If you don't have a blog...start one now! Okay, okay...if you don't have a blog, but wanna play along, feel free to answer the questions in the comments of this post, or on any blog along the way!
Questions for Friday, May 14th: (Special thanks to: Pam, Renee, Sandy, Jill for their question suggestions and a random question drawn from my brand spankin' new deck of question cards! Wanna be linked in a future 5QF? Just c'mon over to her community and offer up your best question suggestion!)
1. Take your pick...date night, girls night out, or night out alone?
This is a tricky question, it wouldn't be night out alone, because I hate going places alone. So either date night or girls night. And it depends on my mood and what's going on at the moment. I love meeting up with the other wives from the Battalion, but I also LOVE spending nights out with the LT.
2. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
Nope, I can not. I've tried, sorry.
3. What is your favorite flower and why?
Gerber Daisies, because they are so pretty!!
4. If you could go back in time, what advice would you give yourself?
To not regret anything you've done, and to not wish your life away.
5. If you won the lottery, what is the very first thing you would do?
Pay off debts, no doubt!
Better late than never, sorry this wasn't written yesterday, but life got in the way, in a good way! So, Mama M. left the linky open for me, which I am SO grateful to her for. Thank you so much Mama M! You're truly an amazing person!
Happy Mother's Day!
It's the last day of the Mother's Day Mania! And of course Mama M. over at My Little Life has to get all emotional and such on Mother's Day. This one is going to be especially emotional for me because well, you'll see...Here's the topic: let's write a letter to our firstborn...the one's that made us "mama's" for the first time!
Enjoy your day!
Yesterday was Mother's Day, my 2nd one since you were born. It was much better than last year. Still hard, but better. Today however, you are 17 months old, and I find myself thinking of you every minute of the day today so far. My heart longs to hold you, and kiss you and love on you. I know that is not an option, and I am so grateful for your parents who give you all the love and protection you deserve.
The day you were born was the best and worse day of my life. I never imagined how hard it would be to leave a hospital without your child. But it was even harder to stay in the hospital without my child, knowing that you were not down the hall from me was so hard.
I know you are doing well with your new family, and I have no doubt that I did what was best for you. But that doesn't change the way it hurt. I never imagined the pain.
No matter what anyone tells you, just because I did not plan to get pregnant, and just because I made some bad decisions that led me to having you, I DO NOT REGRET YOU! I hope one day to give you a journal from your first year, so you can understand the true feelings I felt, and the exact circumstances to your conception. I think it's important you know exactly where you came from. I would rather you hear it from me, and nobody else.
I hope one day that we can talk, and you can understand how much I truly loved you! And how much I wanted so much more for you than I could give you at the time. I am so grateful to your parents for stepping in and taking you into their lives and hearts as one of their own. I am so blessed to know that they will love you and take care of you, and I am so blessed to know that you will have a wonderful older brother to look up to and be friends with, and to help you along the way. You are truly loved by so many people, not all children can say that they have 2 sets of families that love them. But just know that your biological family loves you more than you will ever know. It is true that some of them don't know about you, but I can totally tell you that the ones who do love you so much, and if they don't now, then they will once they realize what a great person you will become, and when they can truly understand why I did what I did. The ones who don't know about you only don't know for protection. Not because I was ashamed, but because I didn't want to hurt them more than I had hurt them already. I couldn't bare to put them through this, I had no idea how much this would hurt, but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But just know that it was the best thing to do.
Please remember that I love you and only wanted what was best for YOU. I never once thought that I'd be able to do the things I've done by putting you up for adoption, YOU were the only one I thought of in making my adoption plan, and you are still the only one I think about when I think about my decision.
Yes, I truly feel I wouldn't be where I am today had I raised you myself, but that doesn't mean I regret having you or giving you to your family. It just means that this is the path that I was able to take, and that it is how I feel. I'm a strong believer in not regretting things, because even if they weren't the best of circumstances, it made me who I am, and your decisions will make you who you are. Don't let your past get in the way of your future. And don't you ever regret anything, because you need to learn from your mistakes, and move forward, and look back on those things, and know that they made you the man you are going to be. I wouldn't be the woman I am if it hadn't been for things I did in my past.
You don't know about this question now, but I'm sure you'll hear it a lot as you get older, it's "if you could go back in time and change anything, would you?" Well, the answer should be NO, if you take one thing I teach or tell you, this should be it. Your past molds you, and makes you the person you are meant to be. God never puts more on you than you can handle, and God never makes you walk alone. God wouldn't let you go through heartache for nothing, and He will always give you your hearts desire. It might not be on your timing, but it will happen. Please know that I love you, pray for you often, think about you daily and wouldn't change a thing about what led me to you.
Love, Your Birth Mother
This is was so hard to write, but once I started it just flowed. It's not meant to make sense to anyone but me, and it's not for anyone but me and my son, but it helped to write it down so much, and I just want to thank Mama M. again for allowing me time to get this done, and link up. I am so thankful for all the great ladies I've met in the blog world, and I am daily humbled by the comments that I get. If I can help ONE person who finds themselves in my shoes, then I've done what I've set out to do. And if I help more, than that's great too! This blog started out as something for me, but I'm trying to turn it into so much more now.
This weeks SUYL topic at Kelly's Korner is very exciting for me, I have dreamt of my children's names for YEARS, I have ones I wanted, but those are not going to be able to get used, as they aren't ones my husband likes. But I'll tell you ALL of them, and the ones we have picked out, for when we have kiddos, we aren't pregnant yet, and probably won't be for a while, but it's still fun to think about! :) Here is Kelly's post about her baby names, go back to it to link up and read around! I bet we'll all get some great ideas for names!
My first name is Sarah, it's a family name. I want to pass it on, so I've always said my first girl is going to be Sarah something...I have tons of middle names I liked, and wanted to use, but then I met my husband, and he wants to use Grace, Faith, Hope, Joy as middle names for girls. So, I don't like Sarah Grace alone, and I am all about double names, I came across Emmaline while watching Army Wives, and reading the Bridal Quartet by Nora Roberts, and FELL IN LOVE! So our first girl is going to be Sarah Emmaline Grace and we're going to call her Emmaline Grace. Now most of you know me, and most know my BEST FRIEND's name is Emily Grace, and I am in NO WAY taking her name, but I thought it would be neat to use her name, since we're so close! I can't even think of other girl names because I can't figure out what would be good with Faith, Hope, or Joy, but I'm sure if we need to figure something out, we will come up with something great!
So my husband's named after his father and his mom's brother who passed in infancy. William is a name we want to pass on, since it is a nice name, but we don't want to do a junior, even though I've always, secretly, loved the idea! So our first boy will be William, but we can't decide on a middle name. The husband wants to use William Robert and call him Billy Bob, but I've nixed that idea. NO WAY...the poor kid! Ha! We have PLENTY of time to come up with something. But I want to name my second boy James Alexander, that is the boys name I have always wanted to use, but I can wait. We might not have two boys, but if we do, I'm hoping to get James Alexander used!
Rules for Five Question Friday: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog, answer them, then c'mon back to link up! If you'd like, you can grab the Mcklinky blog hop code! I would be your best friend (small Twitter joke there) if you'd link back to me, Mama M.!
If you don't have a blog, feel free to answer the questions in the comments of this post, or any post along the way!
Questions for Friday, May 7th: (Thanks to Renee, Sandy, Erika, Pam, and Robin for their question suggestions! Wanna be linked in a future 5QF? Just c'mon over to my community and offer up your best question suggestions!)
1. What is your worst memory of your siblings?
Oh geez, my brother and I, wow, we were the poster children for sibling rivalry. We hated each other growing up. Fought ALL the time, I honestly can't think of a worse fight than the one we had right before I left for Hawaii. I love my brother dearly, but we don't get along, I'm not sure why, but we don't. I won't go into details, but it was a bad fight, one of our worse, because growing up, he would scream for mercy by saying "she's trying to kill me" (I'm the oldest, btw)
2. What was YOUR naughtiest childhood memory? (Must be something YOU did, no pawning it off on someone else!)
oh man, I had a MOUTH on me as a middle schooler. I got grounded in front of a friend for something, and to show off I told them to ground me for a year to see if I cared, lets just say, I CARED! They did it, and then I would just mouth off more and more, and they would ADD to the year. By the time I was in 8th grade my mother ungrounded me by saying "obviously this whole grounding thing isn't working" - uh, you think ;) haha
3. Where do you like to go to relax?
A book....oh you mean an actual location, I love getting a pedicure or manicure when I need to relax, but those are not in the budget, so now I just read, go for a drive, play online, cuddle with the hubs, or therapy, I leave therapy feeling SO relaxed!
4. What was the last thing you won?
I haven't won anything in so long, I can't even remember, I am like the most unlucky person ever...haha
5. If you could be on a game show, which would you choose?
I don't know, something that would guarantee me going home with something, since my luck sucks, as stated above, ha! But I always wanted to go on The Price is Right!
I figured I'd participate in today's topic of Mother's Day Mania, because, well, I have a birth story. And it isn't amazing or wonderful or amazing, but it's unique, or well, not so much in the open adoption world, but it's mine, and it's great! Go see Mama M over at My Little Life to link up and see the other days of Mother's Day Mania!!
Let's start with the fact that my due date was Dec. 11, 2008, and that I had gestastional diabetes. About 2/3 through my pregnancy I switched doctors, I did not like my first doctor, he offered to adopt my son, and that was creepy. Plus he wasn't taking some of my concerns seriously and what have you. Besides, I had heard GREAT things about this midwife, and I was set on NOT doing a c-section, but that's for later, ha!
Because I had GD the midwife did not want me to go past my due date. So, with that being the case, I called the family and said, ok, well, I've had no change, but we're going to have a baby on or before Dec. 11 regardless, so you might as well come on up. I had a doctor's appointment on Monday, Dec. 8, and I thought it would be nice for the adoptive mom to come with me. But I freaked out at the last minute and called a friend FREAKING OUT asking her to meet me there. God love her, she had her WHOLE family packed in the car, and took time out to come with me, she was late, but she was there. I still look back and think about how blessed I really was, I just didn't see it then, and I took things for granted, and I hate that, but it was a bad time in my life. So, anyways, by the time I got to the doctor's office I was ok, not as freaked, and ready to get some news about when the baby would come. The midwife talked with us for a while, and then did a pelvic exam, and decided that I was too small to birth a child of what she thought was a 8 1/2 lbs baby. But to make sure she wasn't wrong, she took us over to the ultra sound room, and we got to see the little guy one more time in my belly, it was very special for the adoptive mom because she had never been around to see an ultra sound, but she had all the pictures. The midwife even gave us some 3D pics, all for free, I loved it! Anways, my midwife said while in the ultra sound room, lets give it another week. You should have seen the faces on the 3 of us in that room. My eyes bugged outta my head so far I think I might have knocked her down. I was like, WOAH WOAH WOAH...you said you didn't want me to go past my due date, AND the adoptive family is already in town, and they can't just come and go as they please. So she was like, OK lets do a c-section this week. So, since my due date was Thursday, Dec. 11, I thought it would be super neat to try and have him on Dec. 10, since my birthday is July 10, and my brother's is January 10, I just thought it was fitting. All worked out and I was able to go in on Dec. 10!
So, I'm chilling at home, waiting for Wednesday, and my old doctor's nurse called to see how I was doing, because I just left, with no reason, no explanation, and so I told her I felt more comfortable with a female, and that I wanted a midwife, but that it seems silly since I'm having a c-section, so my mid wife won't be able to delievery him. So she wished me luck, and then 5 min later called me back, saying that the original doctor wanted to do my c-section. I declined polietly with the excuse that we already had every thing set up. Besides, I was afraid he would try to get my child from me, and not give it to the adoptive family, and I was not going to have that.
So, I went to the hospital for a tour, and to talk to them about the situation, and what was happening. The adoptive mom wanted to be in the room, but I didn't think it was possible, but I asked, and of course they said yes, so I told her they said yes, but that I was going to have to think about it, and let her know the morning of, because I wasn't sure I'd want her there. And the hospital set up the other OR in case I couldn't handle the baby in the same room with me, they had 2 stations set up, and were ready to do what I wanted. It was great, they were wonderful, and I don't think I could have been luckier. So the morning of the delievery, I had a few people there with me, and they waited through the c-section, and were there for me. It was awesome. I allowed the adoptive mom to witness the birth, and I even kissed him and saw him right after he was born, which I was not planning on doing, but I wouldn't change that. I have pictures of me and him, and him and my dad, who I wanted in the room with me, and of me and the adoptive mom and baby, and of adoptive mom and baby. We got lots of them.
After they wisked him away with adoptive mom, they set to work getting me all clean and ready for recovery. I didn't see my son again until the next day. If I had known then what I know now I would have wanted to spend WAY more time with him. I would have asked for alone time with him, but that wasn't what happened. And I had a room full of people when I saw him for the first time after his birth. And he didn't get to spend much time with me, I was so sad. But later that day, I went to his room and spent a few more minutes with him. I cried like a baby when I left him that time. The first night I slept alright, I asked for something to help me sleep, but I think it was an ok night because I knew he was just down the hall. The next night was horrible. Because he got to leave the hopsital, but I had to stay. And then there was the whole leaving the hospital without my son. It was so hard. The next weeks and months were so hard on me, and I got very depressed, but that is for another time. This is suppose to be about his birth. And so that is how my son entered the world.
He weighed 7lbs 9 oz., was 20 3/4 in long and was born at 10:02am
He weighed a lot less than what they thought he would, but that's ok, I wouldn't have changed anything about how he got here. And he actually only weighed 1 oz less than I did when I was born. I remember how much I weighed because it was the same as my birthday, 7/10, ha!
Last Mother's Day was pretty good, except for the fact that my adoptive family didn't send me a card or anything for Mother's Day. (Which I wasn't expecting, just thought it might be nice, you know) My family and friends made it quite enjoyable though, so that was good. I think people didn't know how to act, so I'll let ya know, just simply tell me Happy Mother's Day, and leave it at that. The thought counts, those 3 words, with maybe I love you, or something like that will do wonders! Again, another post for another time, ha!
Turns out AM's mother was getting sicker, and it turns out they were going through their own things. I was just too upset to see it, until now. I didn't even send AM a Mother's Day card.
Well, this year, since AM's mother passed last year(and as soon as I found out about it I sent a card expressing my sympathy and love), I thought it might be nice to send her a quick note, just saying Happy Mother's Day, thinking about you often, hope all is well, look forward to hearing from you and getting my update. Nothing too overbearing or rude, I wasn't trying to step on toes, or make them uncomfortable. I am getting anxious about my next update, I should get it in a couple months, and I am almost positive they will send it, but I just wanted to send a note, you know. It was so short, it said Hi, hope all is well, thank you, love you, give my love to the boys, and happy mother's day, looking forward to my next update. I think I might have put a sentence about doing well in Hawaii and enjoying married life. I'd hope they don't take it the wrong way, or think it's too intrusive. I really don't want to ruin my chances of getting that next update. I wasn't even implying I wanted it right now, just that I was looking forward to it, and enjoy them, ha...so we'll see, I am not expecting a card or anything in return, just thought it would be nice for me, as part of my healing. (which is another post on its own, ha)
I just figured since I'm in a better place, I would start sending a card for Mother's Day, and I will more than likely send a Father's Day card. I really wish I had done it last year because the AD will have gone above and beyond in almost 2 years what the Biofather couldn't have even managed in our son's life time, let alone a few short years. The AD is just an amazing guy, loves God, his wife and his boys, in that order (which is how it should be, btw). I don't know what his plans are now, but when we were talking about adoption he was wanting to become a Chaplin in one of the Armed Forces (I can't remember) and he wanted to get a degree from Seminary, and they both wanted to have the AM be able to stay home with the boys. Which is great! Anyways, this is about Mother's Day, not Father's Day, ha! But I think I did a pretty good job picking a family for my son. Sometimes I think that maybe my son wasn't ever meant to be mine, but the adoptive family's son. Like God used me as a surrogate. But I know that he is my son, he's my flesh and blood, I just think God gave him to me, so I could give him to the adoptive family. It helps me to move forward, and helps me to realize I did what was best.
It's late here now, and I'm going to go to bed, LT has been asleep for a few hours now, he has to get up at 3am, so he went to bed early. Thanks for letting me vent, ha!