Surprise

I was going through my reading list on blogger, and I saw my picture, I was like, uh, what, and then I remembered that a few months ago, Monika from BirthMom Buds Blog contacted me to be the spotlight blogger! And she told me that it would run on Oct 14, which is today, and I forgot, even though I knew it would happen, I just forgot…so go here and check it out, it’s just another little part of my story and journey as a birthmom.

5QF

Rules for 5QF: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post. Answer them, then watch for the linky post to appear tomorrow morning! Remember that this post is NOT the post with the linky list on it...that is tomorrow!
Oh, and remember to have fun!!!
Also, feel free to play along on Twitter! We've had some people do that in the past couple of weeks and it's a fun, different way to answer the questions!
Questions for Friday, October 7th: (Special thanks to @tarabuzz, @signingcharity,@gasfamily, @trooppetrie, and Sandy for their question suggestions! I would LOVE to link YOU in a future 5QF, so c'mon over to my community and offer up your best question suggestions! Or watch for my Twitter shout out on Thursdays, and offer up your questions that way! Don't forget to @5crookedhalos me and use hashtag #5QF if you go the Twitter route!)
1. What is your go to comfort food or sweet?
Comfort food – that’d be Ice cream. Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough is always a good one, and any mint chocolate chip is good too, or a good chocolate….
2. What is the most romantic place you've ever been to?
Ohau & Maui
3. What is your favorite thing about fall/Halloween?
My anniversary…and the fall colors, and foods…
4. How would you spend 24 hours alone?
Oh I get 24 hours to myself ALL the time now that my husband is deployed, even though I rarely ever spend 24 hours straight alone. But I usually watch stuff on my dvr, play around on FB, play the Sims 3, eat whenever and whatever I want. Go where ever I want, whenever I want. It’s quite amazing…
5. Does you husband bring you flowers? Are you the bring-me-flowers type of girl?
He has only done it twice, to date. Once when we were dating, and then recently to “celebrate” making it half way through this deployment. And I love flowers, so I think I am the bring-me-flowers type…

Needs and Wants

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart" - Skye Hardwick

This quote is from Birthmom Buds and it is just something that is so true.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother, I really feel like God wants me to be a mother, to raise children. But I know that the timing was off. I knew that what I had to offer a child at the time was not going to give my son everything he NEEDED, not so much what he wants, but what he needs. Sure I could have given him those things, but at what cost. Welfare and WIC and Foodstamps, crappy healthcare and even crappier childcare. Now, I’m not knocking those things, because I know that they’re needed, but those are temporary solutions to your problems, they’re not something that should be used long term. At least, in my opinion. I was on WIC when I was pregnant, so I’m really NOT against these programs. But I was only on it while I was pregnant, and then never went back on it. I was also drawing unemployment at one point, but that is temporary as well.

My son now has a roof, food, clothes, and two loving parents, and an awesome big brother. All of which I couldn’t really provide. Sure I had a roof and food and clothes, but what kind of childhood would he have had if I had raised him. He wouldn’t have known his father, as he didn’t want anything to do with him, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t force the guy to even pay child support, let alone force him to see the kid he didn’t want anything to do with.

It didn’t seem like a healthy choice for my son, battling it out in court with a guy who wanted nothing to do with him, and forcing this guy to pay for a child he wanted nothing to do with. I just can’t imagine the negative effects that would have had on him later in life.

I’m sure my son will have problems later in life, issues with the adoption, but I’d hope he’d realize that what I did, I did for him, and to give him a better life. And as much crap as I give the birthfather, I do hope that one day he comes around and realizes that this amazing little boy is his son, and will want to know him.

And I hope my son can see that I really did put his needs over my wants, because I really still feel like I did, to this day. I have no regrets about giving him a better life. And in turn, I gave myself a better life as well.

That hard part of your story…

I took a suicide prevention class last night. It was something they really wanted all the key callers to take. And I’m glad I took it, but it was SO hard to sit through, and it brought up so many memories and feelings, that I had to step out, and when I came back in I was like, I’m sorry, this is just too hard, and it is bringing up memories, and started crying. Nobody in that room knew my story. And I wanted to share, but I didn’t want to share either.

I can’t remember if I’ve told this part of my story here. I know I brought it up to a fellow birth mom blogger. She’s going through her own stuff, with the adoption, because it is way more recent than my adoption, and I really want to help. So I think last night it made it clear I needed to share this part of my story, again, if I already have.

So I’ve dealt with depression for years, been on and off anti-depressants and seeing a therapist and psychiatrist since I was a teenager. When I got pregnant I was off my meds, and out of therapy. I shouldn’t have been, but I was. But when I found out I was pregnant, and started to think about the adoption plan aspect, I knew I needed to get in to see my therapist pronto. So I spent the whole 9 months in therapy, I wasn’t on any medication, I honestly didn’t need it, and I didn’t want to subject that baby to that. But I knew that the minute he was born, I’d need something, I’d need help.

As soon as it was safe, they added anxiety meds to my IV, and I think even that night in the hospital I started Prozac.

When I got home, I went back to therapy and started taking medication regularly. But about a month after his birth, I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life. I didn’t want to go on with my life. So my therapist and psychiatrist put me on suicide watch for a weekend, and when that didn’t really help, they told me I needed to check myself into the mental hospital. As scary as that was for me, it was really the best thing for me. We got my medication fixed and I got coping skills. I spent maybe a week, but then I had to spend a few weeks doing intensive outpatient, and that also helped, gave me more coping skills, group therapy was also a part of the IOP. It helped, to focus on other’s problems, give them input, it helped to get their input.

I know I took some of my friends for granted during that time. And I really didn’t realize it until it was too late. I have a way of laughing about problems, or staying busy so I can’t think of what’s going on. I came off as faking and making light of what I was going through. But that was just my defense mechanism. I wish I could tell them I’m sorry. I wish they knew that I account them for a large majority of why I survived. I’d like to think they know. That some how they have always known.

I’m doing so much better than I was almost 3 years ago. Sure I’m still on medication, and sure I still see a psychiatrist and therapist, but I have a better outlook on life. And I’m dealing with things in a healthy way.

Officially Suck

I officially suck at blogging. I mean, hell, it’s almost been 2 months…

Not much is going on here, I’m super busy working and hanging out with friends. It sure does make the time go by so much faster.

I’m actually off work for a week or two, they’re on the mainland. So I’m catching up on sleep, and chores. But mostly sleep. I’ll try to catch up on blogging too.

Saturday will be 6 months down, 6 months to go in the deployment front. And the hubby sent me these wonderfully beautiful flowers to “celebrate” making it halfway through the deployment.

I’ve been thinking about the baby a lot lately too. But seeing as he’ll be 3 in a few months, he’s not so much a baby anymore is he…it’s so hard to imagine that it’ll be 3 years in December. I mean, it really doesn’t feel like it’s been that long.

I still miss him a lot, and I’m sure I will miss him for the rest of my life. Which I’m sure some people just don’t understand, because I don’t understand…I don’t know how I can miss him when I never really knew him or had him, you know. So it doesn’t make much sense that I miss him. But I guess, that’s just the miracle of childbirth, you carry this thing around with you for 9 months, and even though you try like hell not to get attached, you end up attached.