Update en route

I guess his family didn't get my package before I moved, because they sent it to my father's house. So as soon as I get it, I will update you all!

1 year...

and 3 days because I'm a slacker....

Actually, just been pretty busy with my husband and Hawaii.

So some things that happened through the course of the year, all for me of course....

• 
  
  Had a baby, gave said baby up for adoption
• 
  
  Went to the Psych Hospital
• 
  
  Quit job at After School Program
• 
  
  Started Receptionist job
• 
  
  Met Steven
• 
  
  Got laid off from Receptionist job
• 
  
  Moved to Oklahoma, unoffically
• 
  
  Got engaged to Steven
• 
  
  Married Steven
• 
  
  Moved to Georgia for a month or so
• 
  
  Sent my husband to Hawaii without me a week after we got married
• 
  
  Moved to Hawaii

So I thought Thursday (his 1st birthday) was going to be just this aweful day and that I'd not want to do anything but lay in bed and cry. However, my husband is amazing and I didn't stay home alone at all. As a matter of a fact, he stayed home alone that night while I went to a coffee for fellow wives of guys in his unit. He asked me to tag along to work with him and I met the FRG liason and she was so nice and told me about the coffee and then later called to offer me a ride! But anyways, Steven had to go around to some home improvement stores to price plywood and the such for work, so we did that most of the afternoon. Then we came home and he did a powerpoint of the price for a bulletin board and since he can't email from home we had to go back to the office. I didn't wanna stay home alone, so I went along again. For some strange reason I've had this aweful tooth ache for almost a week now, and we were coming home and the FRG lady called to say I needed to bring a new Christmas ornament already wrapped. Well, at this point I was in so much pain that I was like, lets just go on home since we're so close and then run back to the PX. Another FRG group was outside the PX gift wrapping for donations, so that worked out great! I gave them some cash and bought a 1.49 ornament, since we were low on funds. Made it back to the house with a little while to spare. The FRG lady picked me up and we spent a couple hours at the coffee, and played Dirty Santa to exchange ornaments.

I got this super cute Turtle..there were two of them, and I just had to have it, so I stole it back from someone who didn't have a 'dead' ornament!

The ornament I brought got dropped and I felt so bad, and I meant to tell her where I got it, but forgot and plus I was so embarrassed that I only spent 1.49 on it...I'm sure nobody would have cared, and would have totally understood, bc they were all older and I think their husbands might be higher ranks, so they know where we're coming from, but still. PRIDE....oh well....

Anyways, I meant to write a blog on the baby's birthday, but time just slipt away. Steven and I have been tourist lately since we got the last bit of his TDY leave money. We also bought a Washer and Dryer, TV Stand and Dining Set...Pics to come once our household goods get here!

Fun Giveaway

So The Design Girl is having a give away - I found it through Christie! We each get an extra entry for posting our blog. It's a $15 store credit for a Digi Scrap Kit. Which are amazing and so much fun to play with! You can see her stuff here!

a sneak peek

Here's a little teaser of a few wedding pics. I'm hoping to meet with my friend Stephanie who took all our pictures next week to get the disk. We were very blessed to have someone take all our photos for free. I tried to get her to take money, but she insisted. I knew before the wedding that she was a gift from God but this just made it even more evident that she truly has a giving heart. Thank you Stephanie!

Getting ready to put my veil on...another blessing - it was a $200 veil that I got for less than $100 at David's Bridal...and my hair was done by another family friend!

My flowers were silk, and a family friend did them for a reduced price and the cost of materials...again, another blessing.

I am so very pleased with the way my cake turned out! We had a TON of compliments about it, and were truly blessed again with a friend of the family to do it for a reduced rate!

We wanted to have a Memorial for relatives who meant a lot to us, and our families. The smaller picture is of my Great-Grandparents on my mother's side...Gramps was a dear and died on Halloween a few years back. The bigger picture is Steven with his younger sister who died at 3 months old due to heart complications.

Well, I'll post more pictures and another blog about our big day, but Steven just called from Hawaii so I'm going to chat with him for a while and then go to bed.

National Adoption Awareness Month

This month is National Adoption Awareness Month. Last year I made a TON of graphics to show support. So I thought I would share them on here. If you want to use any of them just right click to save to your computer.

General:


Adoptive Parents:


Birth Mother:


Adoptee:


Adoptee Sibling:

















Hope you all enjoy them!
-Mandi

Mrs. Negley

So I'm offically Mrs. Negley! It'll be a week tomorrow. We went on our honeymoon and to Chattanooga without a comp. So I'm WAY behind on blogs and what not...I'm going to try to catch up later. We have to get Steven ready for Hawaii. He leaves on Sunday...I get to leave hopefully before Christmas, spending out first Christmas away would suck. But it won't be the last one we'd spend apart...

Anyways, just wanted to let ya'll know we're alive and well. I'll post some pictures from family members later!

Love ya'll!
Mandi

The countdown begins!

So, These are my wedding shoes! I'm very excited! Not only did I not spend a DIME on new shoes for my wedding, they MATCH perfectly with my colors! I was pretty bummed that my sister didn't want to wear pink, and is now wearing navy, but it looks good with my green and pink, so I'm not to upset. But Since we are very low on cash, I thought I'd use a pair of shoes I already had. I saw these at Payless about 8 months ago, and just HAD to get them. Not only are they my favorite color but they are super cute, and were on SALE! How could you said no? You just can't.

Well, I posted a picture on Facebook and of course my mother had to say something. But it's my wedding and I'll wear what shoes I want to wear! White shoes are so boring anyways! Granted I'm sure I'll want to take these off half way through, I'll push through the pain! Haha! I had a lot of positive feedback on Facebook about it, and Mom finally came around!

We went and bought our rings yesterday. Since he totalled his car, the insurance company bought it from him, and the money came just in time for us to get rings. We were going to only buy him a wedding band, and just use the engagement ring in the ceremony and wait to get my band. But he wanted to go ahead and get it for me! It matches the engagement ring GREAT! And his is Tungsten, it's the strongest medal that they make rings out of. I got the idea from my BFF who bought her hubby in the Army a Tungsten ring, and it wasn't really expensive. So I figured since he'll be going to Afganastan and Iraq at one point, and he's a man, I thought a strong metal would be the best one for him. And he likes it...it isn't too big, we'll have to send it off to get sized, but since we're getting married next Saturday we weren't able to do it just yet, so we're going to do it after the wedding. I might just send the reciept with him to Hawaii and have him do it there, since it takes about 2 weeks to get it in. And I'm sure there is a Kay's in Hawaii. At least I hope so...in order to keep my rings in warrenty I have to get them inspected every 6 months...

We are going to Hobby Lobby to look at cake toppers and the stuff for the sand ceremony. We were going to use flowers on top of the cake, but there was a huge miscommunication with that, and there aren't any extra flowers. If we don't find one we like I'm going to call the lady doing the cake and see if she'll just add dots to the top, to match the rest of the cake!

The flowers look great! His mom's best friend did them and she did a great job! We used silk flowers, and I'm so happy with the way they turned out. Gerbera Daisies and Orchids!

These are my flowers! (that's her son holding them so I could get a better look at the shape, haha..)

It has been very hard planning a wedding from Oklahoma, but I think everything is coming together!

-Mandi

8 Days

I can not believe I'm getting married a week from tomorrow.

I always dreamed I would one day get married. But then I got pregnant, and wasn't with the father of my child. So I did what I thought was best, and placed my child with a loving, caring family. After that my dream to get married died. But I met this great guy and all those dreams came back! And now,  in just 8 days my dream will become a reality!

I never in my life thought I'd find a guy like Steven. He's all I've ever wanted in a man, and SO much more! There are really no words to tell ya'll how much this man truly means to me.

God has blessed me so much. I could never repay Him for all he's blessed me with. I'm just so grateful!

I'd like to say Thank you! To God, and my family and friends, and my son's family.

Kinda bare...

I found a cute site that has a tut for putting your own backgrounds on Blogger. Well I made one using a free scrap kit I found online. I love it, I just can't get it big enough to fit on the background! I'm having to use my computer to design and my zip drive to move from my computer to Steven's computer, bc his is set up online. Kinda wish there was wireless here at the hotel. Oh well.

So, until I can figure it out, the layout will be bare....that was the point of this blog, bahaha!

Engagement Photos

Steven's buddy here in Fort Sill was so kind to take some pics of us...he's by no means a professional, and he used my Kodak EasyShare C743, which is by no means a professionals camera. We found this really cute little church on Post and the sun was just right. The wind however, was powerful and I definitely had a Marylin Monroe moment...I'm very glad his friend was looking away, he could have gotten an eyeful! We weren't very creative and we only took 10 pics, but I think we got the job done!

This has to be my favorite.

I told ya the wind was blowing just look at my hair flying, haha

I look kinda retarded but I was trying to keep my skirt down..I didn't think about the Oklahoma wind before I chose my outfit! haha

I am cracking up because my hair was falling in my face and wouldn't stay behind my ear, and he refused to kiss me since he was in uniform...and I'm sorry about the blinding white legs....ew

This is the one I gave to our mother's for our local papers...

It is so weird to think that our wedding is only 12 days away....there is still so much to do...

Invites!!

So I figured I'd post a How I did it blog on the invites! It was so easy, but time consuming and a little more expensive then I originally thought, but since we were running short on time, we did the DIY kit! I got the kits from this awesome site - Cards & Pockets, we used the Perfetto Pocketfold!

The kit includes the Pocketfold, Card stock for the invites and inserts, Invite Mat and mailing envelopes...you can get RSVP envelopes for extra, but we aren't doing RSVP since it is 2 weeks away...

This is my set up - I went ahead and put the address and return address labels on the envelopes! I think here I am printing the directions page - I had to feed the printer one page at a time...it was a long drawn out process....

It took me a minute to figure out how to get 2 direction inserts per card stock but I did it - getting 2 invites per page was just not going to work - and so I had to do 2 inserts per page in order to get more - and I even used a couple of the pages where they had messed up - but there was still some good space - haha

Here are all the pages I messed up - some of them got reused - I'm frugal...and didn't want to run out of paper or inserts! haha

Here is the invitation cut out - i trimmed it more and got rid of that green border...I made this and the direction  layout on PS CS4 - I got the font off of a font website and the brushes off of a brush website - which ones I have NO idea... but if you google I'm sure you can find many sites to get these things!

Here are the Pocketfolds w/ the invite mats and the stickers I used to seal the Pocketfolds & envelopes because I couldn't get some of them to seal..I was going to get some tape, but luckily got them all sealed! PHEW...

This is what the inside looks like - the colors are Watermelon (pink) and Clover (green) - the site matched perfectly with the David's Bridal colors in the same name!

Here it is sealed and ready for the envelope!

And lastly the finished product - See the lovely American Flag stamp - NEVER send a man to get stamps for wedding invitations with out being specific in what kind of stamps you want...but I guess as he pointed out - he wanted a touch of 'him' on the invite - so we're paying tribute to his service in the Army...oh and the return address labels have a bride & groom on them, they're headless...didn't notice that til after I had printed out 2 pages of them! hahaha

(please excuse my pale white legs...those should become tanned and pretty once we are moved and settled in Hawaii for some time! Sorry to blind ya'll)

Army....

We went to work on Steven's Out Processing today. The Army gave him a list of things he has to do before he can PCS to Hawaii. Well, we first went to Transportation, we were going to get cleared and set up a pick up date for all our belongings. Well he left his orders in the Hotel room so we couldn't set up a date, and he wasn't in the system so he couldn't be cleared. The lady told us to go to Family Travel to see what all needs to be done for me to go with him. They said that the most important thing was to get married...duh - that way the Army will pay for me. But we've got to get married, get me in DEERS & get an ID card, and I have to get medically cleared. The latter part takes at least a month, maybe longer. I can't go to Hawaii until I'm cleared, and he doesn't have enough leave to wait for me to be cleared, so it looks like he'll be in Hawaii for at least 2 months before I can go. BOOOO! And we're not even sure if he'll be cleared to go in time. He only has 12 days of leave, which means he has to be in Hawaii by Nov. 8th. And if he can't get things taken care of then it'll be a while...it's so crazy...just another way the Army likes to screw you....

On a happier and lighter note - we got the invitations in the mail the other day, and we got paid today so we went and bought supplies for putting them together! I already glued 100 invite mats to the pocket folds, my fingers are watermelon pink from them! I'm going to print out the invitations and directions tomorrow while Steven is in class, he informed me that he will need the computer tomorrow after class. And we have to go to the freakin' commissary on pay day...neither one of us wanted to do it today, so we'll brave the storm tomorrow. I told him once we're in Hawaii we will be trying to do our grocery shopping a week after pay day as to avoid running out of food, money and having to deal with the crowds.

I'll post pictures when I'm finished! I can't wait to get them in the mail. I know, I know, they should have been mailed WEEKS ago, but with no job & money it makes it hard to get things. And when you didn't have more than 6 weeks to plan it makes it damn near impossible to do. Anyways, I'm gonna go do some stuff online...Steven got two new video games today and he's playing. I'm hoping he won't play for much longer, I'm tired and still not feeling real well.

Oklahoma where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain...

So yesterday I made the 907 mile drive all the way from Chattanooga, TN to Fort Sill, OK. 14 LONG hours in a car, alone, sick SUCKS.

But I made it safely and in one piece and not tooo late! I did however get lost on Post because I could NOT read the stupid road signs...They're brown w/ white wording and it was dark & raining and the signs are placed on the same thing as the lights. So I couldn't read the names of the roads until I was passing under them, if at all. You are not suppose to talk on your cell phone on post, but I was so lost I put it on speaker phone and called Steven. I also went either right at the speed limit or under it as to not get pulled over, and the phones backlight turned off, so they wouldn't see a light and be like, oh lets pull her over - hahaha...

We have to find some place to take my wedding dress to get altered. But there is a row of them right outside the gate, so we shouldn't have a problem. We'll take care of that tomorrow or Wednesday. We also have to wait until Wednesday to get things for the invitations, which all the supplies for the actual invititations are here and I didn't look at the white paper inserts but I'm sure everything is good. Everything else looks right. We have to get a paper cutter thing, glue and stamps..oh and ink and a USB cord for the printer. YAY! I was hoping to have them in the mail by Wednesday, but it'll be more like Thursday or Friday.

Anyways, just a little update - gonna chill out with the boy!

Love ya'll!
Mandi

New Blogger

So I've made a new blog, I'll still post on here, but I think it is important for Steven and I to have an outlet to update our family and friends about what is going on in our lives since we will be so far away from them. If you would like to follow us, here is the link: The Negley's in Hawaii

WOAH

OMG I'm such a slacker....not only have I slacked off on my online blog, but I've slacked on my journal to my son.

So much has happened! I'm extremely lucky and blessed and just wish I were better at this whole blog thing.

So the original wedding date was Nov. 14 2009, however - the Army is not giving Steven any extra leave, so when he does get back to Georgia he'll only have 14 1/2 days of leave. Not including travel days of course...So we moved it up to Oct. 31 - Halloween! Someone asked me yesterday if we were doing a themed wedding...uhhhh NO WAY....not my style at all...

We scaled down A LOT...only having 1 attendant each, his best friend and my half sister. We had 5 plus my half sister was a junior bridesmaid, but since my original MOH couldn't make it on Oct. 31 we decided to not have attendants, but then my mother was afraid my sister's feelings would be hurt if she weren't in it, so we decided to do a MOH and Best Man, so my sister is going to be the MOH...we're just going to skip on the flower girl and ring bearer.

I want to do the sand ceremony, so I need to look more into that and into getting stuff for it. And I've been meaning to talk to Steven, but I mentioned to his preacher that I want to do Communion also.

Steven is suppose to order our invites tonight or tomorrow....I'm using this site http://www.cardsandpockets.com/ and I was going to make the pocket fold card part myself, but since we don't have that much time left we ordering the Easy-Order Kits - which comes with the pocket fold, invite mat, invite paper, inserts, RSVP envelopes if you want, and mailing envelopes...We got them in my colors, the pocket folds are Clover green, the invite mat is Watermelon pink, and the inserts are Snow White and the mailing envelopes are Watermelon pink! I made the invite on Photo Shop CS4, along with a directions insert since most guests on my side are from out of town. I made the invite and directions insert the size I wanted it in inches on Photo Shop CS4 and put a border around them so I could easily cut them out!!!!

I eventually made it back to Tennessee from Oklahoma - Sept 13...Steven drove me to Oklahoma City, I flew to Chicago O'Hare, it was RAINING so bad that my flight into O'Hare was late and I had 2 connectors to catch...luckily the gate attendant was super helpful and exchanged my 2 connections for a direct flight from O'Hare to Atlanta...granted it was a later flight and I had a 3+ hour lay over...but I didn't mind. However, Steven didn't have a great commute back. It had been raining all weekend, and it started raining pretty hard, and so he slowed down, and ended up hydroplaning. Luckily he wasn't hurt, and nobody else was hurt. Today is Oct. 2 and the insurance company is just not calling to tell him that the car is totalled. I can understand not knowing right after, and having to get the car apart, but this is like 3 weeks later...what was the car guy doing with his car for so long? Or what was the insurance company doing for 3 weeks? Anyways...this is pretty long, so I will continue this story later. Which will give me motivation to blog!

Love ya'll!

Guess What?!?!?!

I'm engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been in Oklahoma since the end of July, and have loved every moment! I'm ready to get home to start planning the wedding of my dreams! So far we have the location, someone to marry us, someone to do flowers, and our attendants! I even have the bridesmaid dresses picked out!!! I found a great deal on a beautiful dress on David's Bridal website for 80 bucks. I hope everyone is able to get their size, I would hate it if most of my bridesmaids already had the dress and one waited to long and their size was gone....that would suck. I told my maid of honor if that happened to her I'd just pick a special dress for her, but I don't want to have to many different dresses. Since my sister who is the junior bridesmaid is also having a different dress. Anyways, I have so much to think about and do. And very little time, less than 80 days. AHHHHH.....

Well, anyways, going to go snuggle with my honey!

-Mandi

Wrote this a while back...oops

I've been in Fort Sill, OK for 2 weeks now, and blogger doesn't really work on their internet, so I haven't been updating as much and I wrote this on the day I was flying out. A lot happened after I wrote this, like a major LAYOVER in Dallas, TX. But that is for another post because this one is long enough.....


Friday, July 31, 2009

So I’m sitting at the Atlanta Airport waiting on my 4:50pm flight to Dallas, TX and I’m on the floor because my gate is so packed from the Miami flight that has been delayed. As I sit here though, I have been people watching. And let me just say there are a lot of different people out there. And it got me thinking, what do people think when they look at me.

I obviously do not have the answer to the question; however I can think about what I want them to think. I’d like them to think that I’m a kind, caring person. That I’m not uglier than a toad and that I am not fatter than a hippo. I know I’m not the most fashionable girl, and I’m sitting here in torn jeans, pink flip flops and a pink Fudruckers shirt that says “Best Buns in Town” on the back. I’ve got my spring green Dell laptop on my lap and my carry on next to me and a Starbucks Java Chip Frappe that I’ve been nursing for a little while. I know that it shouldn’t matter what people think of me when they pass me, chances are they don’t even notice me since I’m on the floor in the corner almost. But it is something I think about. And something I am concerned with.

As I’m sitting here typing this, a family with a 2 year old little girl stood next to me. I happened to have some stickers in my bag, so I gave her one and talked with her. She’s on her way to Florida to see the Alligators; her mom told me she wanted to see them. How exciting! She has the cutest puppy with her too, his name is Noodles. I of course showed her Artie, my teddy bear in Camo!

I am writing this in Microsoft Word for a few reasons. One is because well, I’m cheap and broke and don’t see paying for internet when I’ll have it for free once I make it to Fort Sill, OK. Another is that I didn’t want to forget my thoughts and never write this blog. I tend to do that a lot, think “Oh hey, that would make a good blog” and then never write it down, and when I am at my blog I can not remember what it was I wanted to write.

I live in Chattanooga as most of you know, and it is much cheaper to fly out of either Nashville or Atlanta. So I asked my mother to drive me to Atlanta today. My mom grew up here and her parents still live here. My grandmother (Sweetie is what we call her) has not been doing real well, so I thought how nice would it be for us to stop by and see them on our way to the airport. I have not had a positive visit with my grandparents since I was a little girl. Sweetie is very hard to please, and is getting increasingly worse in her old age. They did find out that I am going to get married, my grandfather asked when my mother told him that we were going to visit on the way to the airport since I was going to visit Steven. So mom told him yes. I’m so glad I don’t have to tell them that now. While in Atlanta we went to the Varsity and ate. Gosh I love that place. If you are EVER in the Atlanta area you should go and get a chili dog w/ onions and onion rings. They are famous for their onion rings. Nice and greasy!

Mom dropped me off at the Check-In desk and I had a HUGE bag to check, well, Steven thought the bag was included in the price of the ticket, he thought wrong. I only had $7 bucks on me and so I had to call mom to turn around and make the horrific trek back to the airport to bring me money. Luckily my grandfather had given her some extra money. The lady at the check-in desk said I could carry it on, but I saw the thing were you check to see if it will fit and looking at it I noticed, it would NOT fit, and I had things in there that they would make me throw away if I were to carry it on. No thanks. So after waiting for mom to bring the money I finally got my bag checked and made it through the security check point with flying colors. So I am now waiting for my flight. I think there are 2 in front of mine, including this Miami one that just boarded. The next one is a flight to Chicago. It looks like mine MIGHT be delayed a few minutes because of it. We’ll see though.

Have a great day and next time you hear from me I will be comfortable in my fiancé’s hotel room!

Journal

The adoptive parents gave me a basket of things at the hospital. One of those things was a journal. Maybe tomorrow I'll take pictures of the basket and journal and post them on here! It was truly a great gift!

So, I started a journal shortly after my son was born. I had been toying with this idea for a while, I've kept a journal off and on throughout my teenage years and in college. Before they gave me the journal I had thought about writing about my experience to my son.

I'm a pretty stubborn person, I came to realize that while pregnant - my old therapist told me that I was, and after looking back at how I handled certain things in my life, I had an epiphany - I AM STUBBORN.

I knew the adoption was going to be hard. I had expected that. I mean, who expects that handing over your only child would be a piece of cheesecake?(I've been reading a lot of The Pioneer Woman today!) I mean really - people are just DUMB if they think this is an easy way out. (That is another topic for another day mind you) Well, my stubborn self decided I didn't need to write to get through this, and that I didn't need to talk about my feelings.

BOY was I wrong, seeing as I ended up at Valley in January. (The local mental health hospital)

You see, half way through my pregnancy my therapist took a new job, and left me for a job that allowed her to work from home. Well she did set me up with my therapist now, and this is where my point comes in.(if I even have a point...) Up to a certain point, I can't really remember when, I never left her office with a dry eye. It was so foreign to me to cry in therapy. I hardly ever cried with my other therapist. I was almost ready to quit seeing this therapist because I didn't want to cry any more. HUGE MISTAKE! Glad I didn't make that one! She suggested I start a journal, so I told her about my idea about writing to him. And she thought it was a wonderful idea. I had heard about that idea a few years back. It's always easier to write to someone than just to write to nobody.

Well last night I wrote in my journal for the first time in over a month. I hadn't been doing a very good job at keeping it up. (big shocker there, huh) And I had been wanting to write in it on every 10th of the month, seeing as he was born on Dec. 10. Well this month I forgot, well I thought about it, but just neglected to for no other reason than I didn't know what to say. Not only was it his 7 month birthday but it was my 24th birthday. The last few entries in the journal I seem to be repeating myself. Telling him how sorry I am I haven't kept it up, and how I'll do better. And I really let that get to me last night because I was like, WOAH, those are empty promises and if he sees them as those then how are we going to have a positive reunion. We wouldn't.

Anyways, I'll get to what I was trying to tell you about now since this is clearly LONG enough. I decided (and told him in my entry last night) that I would no longer just write willy-nilly. I would however, choose ONE (or 2) things to write about and then close. So I haven't started yet, but I think I might start tonight, erm this morning. (3am much)

If you got to this point in the entry, thanks for reading. Sorry I was so long winded tonight.

Show us your life - Wedding Dress Edition

A friend of mine, Christie did a thing from this site last month called Show Us Your Place Friday and now they're doing Show Us Your Life Fridays, the site is Kelly's Korner.

This week is Show Us Your Life - Wedding Dress

Well, I'm not married, but every little girl dreams of their wedding day and has a picture of their perfect dress. So if I could have any dress it would probably be this one I found the other day when looking around.



It's a Mori Lee by Madeline Gardner, I would probably loss the ribbon. Or exchange it for a pink or green one, seeing as I want my wedding colors to be pink and green.

Next week Kelly's Korner is doing wedding party - so I'll post the bridesmaids dresses and stuff I liked next week!

Ahhhhh

So I haven't updated in a while, not really sure why. Just haven't. A lot has happened since I posted last. I got laid off June 19, and have been looking for work ever since. I just can NOT find one. Nobody is hiring. And I filed for unemployment the following Monday (June 22) and have yet to receive a check. I went to the career center and asked about it. Apparently since I wasn't with my last company for a whole year they had to use my last job to draw from. Well the problem with that is the school system is slower than cream rising on butter and is holding up me getting money. My last pay check was June 25, and somehow I miscalculated and ended up overdrawing 310 bucks. And the bank is calling and calling and I just don't have the money. Even if I had put my birthday money in the bank I still would have been overdrawn. That's another thing that happened since my last post - I turned 24! woohoo...lost my insurance, GREAT! Now I have no money and no insurance and no way to get the meds I need so I don't end up in the hospital again. WOOHOOOO....Life rocks....The whole point of leaving the after school job was in order to get insurance once I turned 24. And they up and lay me off. And now there are no jobs whats so ever in Chattanooga.

Another lovely thing (sarcasm you see) that happened is Steven left for Oklahoma a few weeks ago. I miss him so very much. And if I don't get a job I'm going to go spend a week with him. A part of me does NOT want to get a job, but I sure do need it. Before Steven left for Oklahoma we went to visit my Grandparents in Virginia. We took a trip to DC while there because Steven had never been there and it had been many years since I was there. We had a great time, but it was a horribly short trip. I did get to see my bestest friend while up there. She and her hubs moved up to Fort Belvoir a few months ago, which is like 5 minutes from my grandparents house. So we all went to dinner with them, my grandparents and they also invited my Aunt, Uncle and 2 Cousins. So they got to meet my boyfriend! After we went to see them we went to his hometown and spent some time together. We spent the 4th of July with his family and shot off fireworks. It was a great time. But it was all too short. He'll be in Oklahoma until Oct. 27 and I guess he won't be getting home until the 28th or 29th. Then Dec. is when we go to Hawaii! I can NOT wait! I'm super excited!

6 months

It is so hard to believe it has been 6 months! It really seems like just yesterday I was going into the hospital to have him! The past 6 months has been a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs. Luckily the past few months has had more ups than downs. I'm handling things a lot better, and just going on with my life, the best I know how.

Steven *the boyfriend* and I are doing great! He hasn't talked to dad yet, but we're seriously considering getting married in November. He is being stationed in Hawaii and has asked me to go with him and so the only way I would move that far is if we got married, and things seem to be headed that direction! I'm so in love with him, and the feelings are very much mutual!

I got my second update on the baby a couple weekends ago, and I've been meaning to go to Target and get them put on a CD-Rom (I think they do that...) So I can have them on a disk so I can get copies because some of those pictures are just tooooo adorable to not make copies and enlargements of! I can't wait to get them on a disk so I can share them with you all! I've been truly blessed with all the support I've gotten from all my friends & fellow birth moms. It makes the journey so much easier knowing I'm not alone!

Thank you!

Woot Woot

So all my worrying was for nothing. I got my second update this weekend! He is doing pretty well. They moved, and are going to move again in July or August. They even asked for an update on me! I'll post a few pictures in a bit, I need to take pics of the pictures and upload them to my computer. They also had to spend 5 days in the hospital for acid reflux and weight loss. He apparently had lost too much and their new doctor was worried. All his tests and what not came back great, and he's almost 12 lbs. He's long and skinny with a huge ole head and big ole deep blue eyes!!!!!!

Betrayed

I feel so utterly betrayed. Like the family I placed with was telling me what I wanted to hear just to get my baby and now that they have him and it's final they don't have to do what they said.

They have recently taken me off their facebook accounts, and as June fastly approaches I'm starting to doubt I'll get my second update.

About a month after the birth they wrote me an email telling me they were cutting out communication.

A little background - they have been friends of mine for 3 years now. We have over 150 friends in common on facebook and got pretty close throughout my pregnancy.

I was up for hours last night worrying about whether I was going to get it and why they have decided to all of a sudden delete me and all sorts of other things.

I was going to leave her a nice email on Mother's Day but said to hell with that when I noticed they had deleted me from facebook. And she didn't even acknowledge me.

Mother's Day

So Mother's Day is in a week. I'm not looking forward to it for many reasons. One being my son is no longer with me, but another because my boyfriend leaves for Benning that day. And we just found out that we might not get to spend weekends together like we thought. Another reason is because it just happens to be his 5 month birthday too. I've tried to not let it bother me, and get me down, but there is just this overwhelming feeling of regret and sadness. I'm sitting at the boyfriends house alone, as he is out getting our tent and other stuff from the campsite. He let me stay behind, I kind of wish I had gone ahead with the others to go swimming, as now I'm just sitting and not doing anything. I guess I could shower and clean up from camping, but I'm feeling really lazy, or maybe it's just hung over.

The boyfriend's cousin has a nephew who is just a few months old. He is the most precious baby I've seen in a while, besides mine of course! Well the other night at the Mexican restaurant I held him. Steven was so proud of me for being able to hold him and not get upset. He was very surprised I wanted to hold him at all. But he was just to cute and snugly to pass up! Hahaha - he fell asleep on me and it was the best feeling in the whole world. For a moment it was almost as if I was holding my lil man again.

I also went and hung out with Lauren and her son, who is just a month younger than my lil man. It was the first time I saw him. He is precious too. I didn't know if I could handle it and afterwards I was kind of bummed out, but I think it went really well. I'm making progress I think.

I'm just not looking forward to Mother's Day....so much is happening on that day and I'm so sad about it all.

Updates

Things are going pretty well. I'm having more good days than bad days. Finally - but I'm sure I will always have bad days. Hopefully the good days will out number the bad days.

I have a new boyfriend. He lives 3 hours away and is in the Army. He's definitely the best ever. Totally different than the one I was dating before him, who I've not talked to in a long long time, thankfully. He decided someone who wasn't in his life was more deserving of him than I was, and for that I'm grateful. I was thinking of ditching him anyways, since he lied to me all the time. Steven in the new boyfriend, and he's going to Officer Basic in about a month and then Oklahoma in July and then he's off to Hawaii in December. He's for sure the sweetest boyfriend I've had in a long time and for that I'm grateful.

The adoption has been very hard on me, but I found someone who makes living bearable. And I found someone who would be super excited if/when my son comes back in my life!!!!!!

The Funk times a million

The funk I referred to was the depression. I would snap out of it, if you could snap your finger and be over it, but that doesn't work, believe me, I've tried. [yes i know some of you are picturing me doing it, and yes i did actually try...it was quite hilarious....you shoulda been there, lol]

The Funk

is getting worse.

I miss him

I miss my lil guy. I've never regretted anything in my life. Until now. I know deep down I did the right thing, but did I really. I wish I could see the future so I know for sure I did the right thing. He's too little to understand now and he's too little now to know any different, so I'm sure he's happy, but he'd be happy with me too. And what if he years down the road he hates me for what I did or didn't do. I couldn't live with myself he hates me. And what if his parents don't tell him that I did it because I loved him, what if they just let him hate me and don't tell him why I did what I did. I know the what if's are no where to be, but I am here and I don't know how to get outta them. I can't stop thinking about them.

I wish I didn't have to work today, I want to just lay in bed all day. I didn't sleep well last night or the night before. I've even been taking my night time meds like I'm suppose to, plus some. Nothing seems to work. I don't get it. I NEED SLEEP or I'm going to die. And I'm not not sleeping because I'm napping, because I'm not. I go to bed at like 9 or 10 and toss and turn and have the worst dreams ever. They are freaking crazy, I have no clue what the heck they mean and I just can't get over it. I know that if I were sleeping I probably wouldn't be second guessing myself and regretting this, but I'm not sleeping. And the only thing I can think to do is take 3 sleeping pills instead of 1 because 1 doesn't do shit and 2 barely does anything. But if I take 3 I'll run out faster...I talked to my therapist about it, but she told me to give it a week, wtf...my other doctor would have been like, ok lets change your meds...not give it a week....sleep is the most important thing when you are depressed.

SHOPPING

This is for my Mel! I thought she'd appreciate my buys at Old Navy :)


2 of the 3 shirts I got


The other shirt I bought

A Cute Jacket, I really needed it....

Shoes I might take back, not sure what I'll wear them with, hahaha....

A bag!!!!!!

Let me just say...

that I am happy for the people who are pregnant. Do not take what I wrote the other day as me not being happy. It's just really hard on me right now.

baby fever

Everywhere I turn there are people who are pregnant, who have just had kids, and kids. I can't handle it any more. I'm in tears because I want to be one of the ones with a kid. I could just kick myself for giving mine up. What was I thinking. I know what I was thinking but I'm just in a real depressed mood right now. And it seems like every time I turn around someone else I know is engaged. I'm so sick of being single. I wanna settle down. Why haven't I found him yet?

Liars

I don't deal well with people lying to me. And I'm not the kind of person who will call you out because I don't like confrontation. But don't insult my intelligence, I wasn't born yesterday, I'm not dumb, and chances are I'm going to find out. Just like I found out about someone lying to me for who knows how long, for who knows what about, and for who knows why. I'm a pretty understanding person, and forgiving. But lying is unforgivable in my book. How am I going to be able to trust someone again if they lie to me, and not just once, but numerous times. I honestly don't know what is up with this person now. I can't believe this person had me fooled. Maybe I am dumb and born yesterday, but I'd like to think I wasn't and I'm not dumb. I can't believe this shit. And for someone who knows that I have trust issues to lie to me just makes things ten million times worse. I am dumbfounded and appalled at this blatant disrespect and I can't even come up with things to call it, but it is disrespectful. Here I was thinking this person was some decent person, and it turns out they weren't. They were just like every other person who has lied and hurt me. THANKS......

best laid plans

Why is it that the best laid plans always crumble?
Why is it when everything is going well things fall apart?
Why can people not see what is right in front of them?

I just don't understand. And I want to. I could scream right now. And not just for the sake of screaming, but scream at somebody. I've gotten things back on track with my life, I'm slowly moving forward. And then something wonderful comes into my life and then the next minute that wonderful is gone. And not just gone, but changed, like a totally different thing. Not what I thought it was. I sure got a couple answers yesterday I had been searching for. And they shocked the hell out of me. I never expected this to happen, and I didn't expect it to turn out this way either. I thought for sure it would have a happy ending, granted it still could, but I'm definitely not waiting around.

I started a new job. I love it. I love that it has nothing to do with kids. How horrible. I just can't be around them as much right now. Even though I was working with older kids they still some how reminded me of my son. I think it was the fact that I won't get to see my son grow up to be that age, and that I'll only get pictures and letters to show me how he's growing up. I don't second guess myself, I know I did the right thing. But I sure do kick myself for getting in this situation and I could castrate the man who put me here. I try not to hate him, and I don't think I hate him, but I have never in my life felt so much dislike towards another human being. Yes I know that I was to blame for the situation, yes I take responsibility for my actions, but it does take two to tango and well, I was not alone in my actions and I got the shit end of the stick, and here he is still with his girlfriend and not having to deal with the ramifications of OUR actions. People keep telling me he'll get his, but when. I think he should have to deal with it NOW like I'm having to deal with it, and like I'm going to have to deal with it the rest of my life. It's not fair. And I'm sure you're thinking, life isn't fair, and I know this. But this really isn't fair.

The goings on in MY life

I've met someone. I'm really happy about it and at the same time scared to death. After all I've been through in the past year I'm not ready for this. But for some reason my head and heart are telling me otherwise. We've not taken the next step, we're just friends who like one another, but I think I'll be ready sooner than I thought. Who knows. I just hope it doesn't end up like the last few relationships. And I personally don't see that happening.

I am doing outpatient at Valley after spending 8 days in inpatient. The whole adoption has really taken it's toll on me. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. I'm glad I did it, and I know I did the right thing, it just hurts like hell. I know the child is better off, but that doesn't change what I'm feeling or how I feel towards him. It was a little boy - he was 7lbs 9oz and 20 3/4 in long. He looks like his father who doesn't think it's his still - but that is neither here nor there.

I'm doing a lot better, and I really hope it has something to do with the new boy, but that it isn't the only thing making me happy right now. I don't want to have to have him in my life to be happy, and I'm so up and down that it is hard to tell what triggers my moods these days.

I'm thinking about going back to school in the Fall but I need to start saving money NOW...I think I'll go to UTC and finish my teaching degree. I thought about doing the 2+2 program at Chatt State, but idk about it. I'm going to have to really do some research and find out what I want to do and where I want to go.

Please just pray for me, for guidance and knowledge.

Exciting

I got my first update on Friday, what a wonderful Valentine's Day gift!!!! I'll post pictures later, they're not the best since I took pics of the pics, but I'm going to try to make a CD with the originals. But that made my weekend!!! Not to mention the boy!!!

Good Day

So Heather asked if I had seen my son since he left the hospital and the answer is no. I have a semi-open adoption where I'll just get updates and be able to send presents and updates on myself, but no visits. I have mixed feelings about that, but that is for another blog completely. And yes, Heather, journaling has seemed to help a lot.

Today has been so much better than yesterday. I hate to think it is because I've met a guy, but I think it might be. I met a guy. Through a friend. He is pretty great and we have a lot in common. I'll blog about him later, I'm having dinner with my dad tonight and hanging out and even though he's going to be busy doing his taxes, or whatever, I'd rather not be on the computer. And I think dinner might be almost ready.

So today has been a great day. It feels great to say that. I love it! Funny story time: So on my way to outpatient at Valley I spilled coke in my lap. Luckily I was only a minute down the road from my house and only spilled a little. I didn't get upset, pissed off, angry or anything. I was so proud of myself, it did not ruin my morning or my day. So here is how I spilled the coke. I had the can of coke between my legs to open it, after I opened it I came to a stop sign and BAM it tipped back and POW all over my lap - hahaha


I'm so glad today was a good day and I'm so glad I've met this guy. We don't know what we are right now, but we're both ok with that. I'm so comfortable around him and it feels just so natural.

Love ya'll -
Mandi

WOW, 2 months, and a bad day

WOW is all I can really say to all the wonderful comments. They mean a lot and are a great encouragement, especially on a bad day. Thank you Emily, Roni, Heather, Maris, and Coco through Roni!!!!!

Everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong this morning and afternoon, but now I think things are ok. I got lost on the way back to a friend's house this morning, then I had to go to the bank to put a check in there so I could get gas, but the bank wasn't open yet, so I had to wait for my dad to bring me money because I was below empty. Luckily he doesn't work far from where I was and the gas station was just across the street from the bank. THEN I got to work and find out they closed schools early because of "severe weather" - which it is now sunny outside. We had a storm, but it lasted all of 30 minutes. Go figure, but I guess if they had not have closed schools early then the storm would have been much worse, but what gets me is that nobody called me. Nobody said, hey don't worry about driving 20 minutes to get to work just to turn around and drive 20 more minutes. What a waste of gas - ugh....I think all these little things got to me because yesterday was the 2 month birthday of the baby and I had a good day yesterday, so maybe my sub-conscience is trying to get me. The people at the outpatient want me to go back into inpatient, but I don't want to and I think I'll be ok. We'll see, I told them I wouldn't hurt myself, that I'd get help if I needed it and that I wanted to give it a few more days of work before I took such a serious step, again. I don't want to be a "repeat offender" but if I have to then I have to, but I don't think I have to or need too.

So, today 2 months ago I got to spend about an hour with my son and he went home from the hospital without me. It's kind of bittersweet, but more bitter than sweet. I miss him and can remember every moment of the time I had with him like it happened yesterday. I also can remember what I didn't do and what I wanted to do and what I wish I had done. I know those things are stupid to do and think, but I think them anyways. I'm going to run out and get a journal - another one. I'm going to journal to myself as well as the baby. I started the journal to the baby right before Christmas. My therapist and psychiatrist thought it would help. And it does. I've also had people tell me to journal to myself. Which is kind of what this is. Wow this is long, I'm sorry - Thanks again to the wonderful ladies who left me comments on my last one!!!

~Mandi

bad day

I wanna be dead. I wanna just go away. I wanna just go to bed and never wake up again. This hurts sooooooooo bad.

I had been doing so well. I even checked myself into the local psych. hospital. Changed my meds up, got rid of suicidal thoughts, and now they're back. Just know that I wouldn't act out on them, and at this moment I haven't thought about how I would do it, but I have before, and those little thoughts keep coming to the surface. I think it might be because next week the baby will be 2 months old...I can't think of why I'm so upset and sad right now. I've had some real great days lately. I want to be better. I want to the pain to end, but it seems like no matter what I do it doesn't go away or end.

Why I'm Here

My BFF Emily suggested I start a blogspot to write my feelings down in. I just recently placed a son up for adoption. I'm not here to get attention and I'm not here to say I was wronged or I was completely innocent, because Lord knows I'm not. I'm here to share my story with others. In hopes that it will touch someone's life and help them make the right decision for their children, whether it is adoption or raising the child. I want to be someone who others can come to and say, hey I need help. And I want to say to them, hey I'm here for you.

A poem/song

This poem was turned to a song, and it describes what I want for my son.

So many wrong decisions in my past, I'm not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I've been thinking,
Cause it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I
Should give this child to you.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before, By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him,
If he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life
Could bear to let him go.
Just tell him there were sleepless nights,
I prayed and paced the floors,
And knew the only peace I'd find,
Was if this child was yours.

And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.

This may not be the answer,
For another girl like me.
But I'm not on a soapbox,
Saying how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings,
And I'm trusting God above,
And I'm trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers' love.
And maybe, you could tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he's been loved before,
By someone, who delivered your son,
From God's arms, to my arms, to yours.


This poem was based on the writings of a young birth mother, whom she shared with songwriter Michael McClean.

Here is a video with the song on it: